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IS A HUMBLE MAN A WEAK MAN?

By Terry Loving

“Do not be called leaders; for One is your Leader, that is, Christ. “But the greatest among you shall be your servant. “Whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted.”

Matthew 23:10-12

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“He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?”

(Michah 6:8)

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“Ultimately, societies must challenge the impossible-to-achieve demands of manhood and the patriarchal structures that underpin these demands.  We need to redefine notions of manhood and find alternative masculine identities that are not destructive to women and men alike.  This is a long-term prospect but it starts by changing the way we – both women and men – raise boys to be men.” 1

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While researching information as to why many men and young males put so much effort into acquiring a tough persona, I came across the following question:

What is the difference between a “bad boy” and a “thug?”

One commenter stated that the difference was “a misdemeanor” verses “a felony.” Meaning, the “bad boy” would most likely commit crimes that amounted to misdemeanors such as tagging a wall; disorderly conduct; reckless driving and public intoxication. Of course this would depend on the jurisdiction in which these crimes were committed.

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 The “thug” is more likely to commit a felony such as murder, assault, battery, and false imprisonment, etc. A felony charge is a more serious charge that usually results in longer jail time, and in many cases, the death penalty.  Again, this depends on the jurisdiction. Another commenter defined ex-President Bill Clinton as a “bad boy” siting his involvement with Monica Lewinsky. It was noted that “bad boys” cheat on their mates, but thugs likewise – right?

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 It is also said that, “Women are drawn to “bad boys” like a moth to a flame? Why?

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 To confuse this issue further, another Author penned an article explaining The Difference Between A Thug And A Gangster.

“Where gangsters were gentleman criminals, a thug was a negative term used for murderers, rapists and thieves. To be a thug meant you carried the stigma of being shady, ruthless and dangerously criminal. A gang of thugs are not gangsters, they are a gang. Unlike gangster, thug is not romanticized in the English language no matter how much these rappers try to tell you different. Some women have adapted the word as almost a term of endearment for the “bad boys” that they pursue. I guess being referred to as a thug feels a bit better than being called a “bad boy” but let’s be real here, it’s the exact same thing. Thugs are not gangsters, thugs are bad boys – ie: they are guys playing “dress-up” to look the part of a thug. Real thugs will shoot you, rob you, rape you and they do get locked up. Turn on the show Gangland, or Gang Nation and you will see true thugs. Most of these women claiming to “like thugs” could not handle a real thug. They like bad boys, so let’s stop with the facade.”

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 Is it any wonder that men are confused concerning their masculinity? They don’t know whether to choose to imitate Al Capone (a gangster), a thug like those in the movie Goodfellas, or the bad boys in the movie Bad Boys starring Sean Penn. On the other hand, men and young males who exhibit any sort of humility are accused of being “soft,” “momma’s boys,” “weak.” “sissified,” and just plain cowardly. Our society raises boys to not show their emotions, especially crying. They are taught to “man-up” at a young age, and are expected as adults to be the bread winners, macho in their homes, and never to back down from a fight with another male.

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“Violence against women is closely linked to the rigid norms that define what it is to be a man.  Worldwide there is a dominant model of manhood; men are taught to aspire to and judge themselves based on this ideal. Men are expected to be financially independent, become husbands and fathers, be the primary income earner for the family, be achievers in the eyes of peers, and be in control and exert authority.  These salient norms of manhood are perpetuated by societies, communities, peers, families and women themselves – and take on more extreme forms in some cultures.”

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DeeboDEEBO – Neighborhood thug in the movie “Friday”

“But for most men, particularly poor men, there is a huge gap between these expectations and what they can achieve. In the face of chronic poverty, inequality, exclusion, jobless economies, many men feel they don’t measure up.  How then, do these men prove themselves as men?  All too often it is through the use of force and violence – and female partners are easy targets.  Such behavior is often the only way for many men to wield power in societies where they are made to feel powerless and useless.  This is the hard reality that remains unacknowledged or misunderstood in much of the discussion on gender violence today.” 2

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I love bad boys

Men may feel “they don’t measure up” in many situations, but how does violence prove manhood? How does forcing women to be under their control make a man feel powerful? Why does a man have to wear a label such as “Alpha-Male,” “macho,” “thug,” “bad boy,” or “gangster” to prove he is a man? Chronic poverty, inequality, exclusion, and jobless economies no doubt have a negative impact on any culture, but why beat the woman who is standing by your side? Is she not suffering the effects as well? Why rape your children, especially little girls and justify this behavior as a way of exhibiting so-called manhood? If a man feels that violence and abuse raises the bar of his manhood, he deceives only himself.

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“In reality there is perhaps not one of our natural passions so hard to subdue as pride. Disguise it, struggle with it, beat it down, stifle it, mortify it as much as one pleases, it is still alive, and will every now and then peep out and show itself…For even if I could conceive that I had completely overcome it, I should probably be proud of my humility.”Benjamin Franklin

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“When pride comes, then comes dishonor, But with the humble is wisdom.” Proverbs 11:2

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If a male lacks vision and guidance as to what a “real” man is, he should look to Jesus Christ as the ultimate example of true manhood. Jesus was the humblest man who ever walked the earth. And yet, the most powerful!

“Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS.  Matthew ll:29

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It is said of Jesus Christ:

… “he humbled himself: by becoming man, and by various outward actions in his life; as subjection to his parents, working at the trade of a carpenter, conversing with the meanest of men, washing his disciples’ feet, &c. and the whole of his deportment both to God and man, his compliance with his Father’s will, though disagreeable to flesh and blood, his behaviour towards his enemies, and his forbearance of his disciples, showed him to be of a meek and humble spirit; he humbled himself both to God and man:”

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… “and became obedient unto death, or “until death”; for he was obedient from the cradle to the cross, to God, to men, to his earthly parents, and to magistrates; he was obedient to the ceremonial law, to circumcision, the passover, &c. to the moral law, to all the precepts of it, which he punctually fulfilled; and to the penalty of it, death, which he voluntarily and cheerfully bore, in the room and stead of his people:”   Gill’s Exposition of the Entire Bible

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“Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.” James 4:10

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“Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord,…. Which is done, when men, before the Lord, and from their hearts, and in the sincerity of their souls, acknowledge their meanness and unworthiness, their vileness, sinfulness, and wretchedness, and implore the grace and mercy of God in Christ, as did Abraham, Jacob, Job, Isaiah, Paul, and the publican; and when they walk humbly with God, acknowledging they can do nothing without him; owning their dependence on his grace, and ascribing all they have, and are, unto it:

and he shall lift you up; this is God’s usual way to lift up the meek, and exalt those that humble themselves; he lifts them from the dunghill, to set them among princes; he gives them a place, and a name in his house, better than sons and daughters; he adorns them with his grace; he clothes them with the righteousness of his Son, he grants them nearness to himself; and at last will introduce them into his kingdom and glory.” Gill’s Exposition of the Entire Bible

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The power and control men desire is of the world, limited and self-projected. Gangs who claim neighborhoods as if they built them themselves have limited control over their freedom for they dare not venture onto enemy turf. The thugs function within a small radius compared to the rest of the world, and most likely depend upon drug sales for a living. They sell death to each other, and kill for little to no reason. In the sense of the word “freedom,” they are not free.

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“So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:36

“Christ spoke of spiritual liberty; but carnal hearts feel no other grievances than those that molest the body, and distress their worldly affairs. Talk to them of their liberty and property, tell them of waste committed upon their lands, or damage done to their houses, and they understand you very well; but speak of the bondage of sin, captivity to Satan, and liberty by Christ; tell of wrong done to their precious souls, and the hazard of their eternal welfare, then you bring strange things to their ears. Jesus plainly reminded them, that the man who practised any sin, was, in fact, a slave to that sin, which was the case with most of them. Christ in the gospel offers us freedom, he has power to do this, and those whom Christ makes free are really so.” Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary

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The violent are slaves to violence. Abusers are slaves to abuse. True freedom begins with humility. A humble man is not a weak man. Jesus Christ was not a weak man A weak man will beat a woman, but cower down to another man. Weak men have no honor. Only the humble man is truly a strong man, especially one in Christ Jesus.

“And Jesus came and spake unto them, saying, All power is given unto me in heaven and in earth.”

Matthew 28:18

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“The fear of the LORD is the instruction for wisdom, And before honor comes humility.”

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Man seeks honor from his deeds whether good or evil. Our society celebrates those who live ungodly lives, and commit all manner of sin. How in the world George Zimmerman achieved celebrity status is beyond me. This person has not one ounce of humility even after taking the life of another. I guess he feels more like a man after being arrested for crimes against others and recklessness. “ Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.”

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Some people, especially the rich and famous give to charities and sometimes help individuals. That is a good thing. Sadly, they often desire the praise of the world, instead of humbly doing good deeds in silence.

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“Beware of practicing your righteousness before men to be noticed by them; otherwise you have no reward with your Father who is in heaven.” Matthew 6:1

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The lack of humility and dishonor of her God is the ruin of a nation.

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“Although a wicked person who commits a hundred crimes may live a long time, I know that it will go better with those who fear God, who are reverent before him.” Ecclesiastes 8:12

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For evildoers will be cut off,
But those who wait for the L
ORD, they will inherit the land.

10Yet a little while and the wicked man will be no more;
And you will look carefully for his place and he will not be there.

11But the humble will inherit the land
And will delight themselves in abundant prosperity.

Psalm 37:9-11

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la-me-1113-spiderman-fun 162180.ME.1112.spiderman-funeralToo often, this is how the quest for power ends.

“For My hand made all these things, Thus all these things came into being,” declares the LORD. “But to this one I will look, To him who is humble and contrite of spirit, and who trembles at My word.” Isaiah 66:2

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1 Peter 5:5

“You younger men, likewise, be subject to your elders; and all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE.”

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 1http://www.worldbank.org/en/news/opinion/2013/11/25/missing-men-violence-against-women

2 http://www.worldbank.org/en/news/opinion/2013/11/25/missing-men-violence-against-women

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Become a Better Man: Humility is a Strength and Trait of A Real Man

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Humility: The Quiet Trait That Everyone Will Notice

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The Truest Expression of a Man. What Validates You?

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How To Be A Man – 8 Traits Of Real Men

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Honor God, Honor Others and Honor Yourself

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What is Manliness?

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DALLAS MEN AGAINST ABUSE

What It Takes to Be A Man

A man never hits a woman.
A man speaks out against domestic abuse.
A man teaches his daughter how men should treat her and that she should never allow herself to be abused. Not once.
A man teaches his sons to respect women.

TESTIMONIALS

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Respect for women

http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2014
All rights reserved.

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Posted by on February 7, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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OCTOBER – DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH ACTIVITIES

By Terry Loving

Domestic-Violence-Awareness2013

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Another foundation that shares the month of October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month – both causes are equally important.

The first awareness month was in Oct. 1987, which is the same year the national toll-free hotline began. The month was created out of the first Day of Unity observed in Oct. 1981 by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. The Day of Unity grew into a week of activities to spread awareness of domestic violence.

This post is dedicated to listing events and links that highlight activities going on this month. For the most part, the events happen yearly. If there is an important event that you would like to add to this post, please feel free to do so in the comment section. The list will be updated when I find more useful links.

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REMEMBER AND ACT!

Click here to submit a name for the Remember My Name project electronically.

THE REMEMBER AND ACT VIRTUAL MEMORIAL: 1996-2008

NCADV honors those who have lost their lives to domestic violence. Please click here to enter the memorial.

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GRU, SafeHomes kick off Domestic Violence Awareness Month

“It’s so often that (domestic violence victims) leave everything behind,” she said. “We don’t want to just house them and put them back out there.”

“We want to give them the tools and the things they need to be independent and self-sufficient.”

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Save lives and help the environment–donate your unwanted cell phones and digital electronics to NCADV.

Accepted Items:
• Any cell phone in any condition and their accessories (most wanted: Iphones and Blackberries, but we will take what you have!)
• Laptops
• Mp3 Players
• Digital Cameras
• Video Game Systems

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Domestic Violence Awareness Month Kicks Off At LOVE Park

“City Council Members were presented with an award for their successful efforts to open another shelter to help the thousands in this situation. That 100 bed shelter is set to open in the spring. Verizon has donated equipment and funds over the years.”

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Domestic Violence Awareness Project Events

A listing of events in different areas of the US.

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Futures Without ViolenceMonth Events

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Good and bad news in Jacksonville area as Domestic Violence Awareness Month launches

Dan Scanlan: (904) 359-4549

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH EVENTS AND INFORMATION:

Here are some of the October events in the area to promote Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

■ A “Take Back the Night” March and Candlelight Vigil was Tuesday at the University of North Florida.

■ 19th annual Barbara Ann Campbell Memorial Breakfast, 7:30 to 9 a.m. Thursday, Hyatt Regency Jacksonville Riverfront Hotel, www.hubbardhouse.org.

Thrill the World, 9 p.m. Oct. 26, an attempt to break the record for zombies dancing to “Thriller,” www.thrilltheworld.com.

■ Quigley House Purple Ribbon Golf Tournament, 1 p.m. Oct. 17, Fleming Island Golf Club, 2260 Town Center Blvd., www.quigleyhouse.org.

■ Micah’s Place Appreciation and Awareness Breakfast, 7:30 a.m. Wednesday, Fernandina Beach Golf Course, 2800 Bill Melton Road, www.micahsplace.org.

■ Betty Griffin House Candlelight Vigil, 7 p.m. Thursday, St. Augustine’s Plaza de la Constitucion

■ Betty Griffin House Runway to Safety Fashion Show, 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. Oct. 29, Marriott Sawgrass, 1000 PGA Tour Blvd., Ponte Vedra Beach, www.bettygriffinhouse.org.

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Women In Distress of Broward County, INC

  • Clerk of Courts“Be Aware” event 11:30am – 1:00pm Topic: “Stalking” to be held in the Jury Room at  201 SE 6th St. for more information & RSVP please contact Tgreen@browardclerk.org.
  • Florida Bar Association – “Domestic Violence CLE” 8:15am – 4:45pm on Wednesday, October 9th at the Hyatt Pier 66 in Ft. Lauderdale. For more information contact the Florida Bar Association. Click here.
  • Jewish Federation of Broward – Luncheon & Fashion Show – Sunday, October 20th, 2013 for the 8th Annual KOLOT Luncheon & Fashion Show at the Signature Grand, Davie. Click here for more information.
  • NOVA University – Documentary Screening and Q&A titled “No Way Out But One” from 2:00 pm- 4:00 pm & 5:30 pm-7:30 pm on Wednesday, October 23rd in Knight Auditorium located in the DeSantis Building.  Click here for more information.
  • General Federation of Women’s Clubs – “United Against Domestic Violence” A Taste of Italy Event” to be held at Gino’s Italian Market, Friday, October 25th at 7:00 pm- 5729 Johnson Street, Hollywood, FL. Mozzarella making demo, pasta stations, wine tasting, and more. Click here for more Information.

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Events planned for Domestic Violence Awareness month

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Mecklenburg County  NC Women’s Commission

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VIGIL

The Annual Candlelight Vigil will be held 6:15p, Thurs., Oct. 24th, 2013 at John Dam Plaza in Richland, WA.

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VIGIL EVENTS

Candlelight Vigil  – Melrose Alliance Against Violence

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The Children’s Advocacy Center

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YWCA DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH ACTIVITIES

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Domestic Violence Vigil Set for October 8

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Empowerment Weekend Offers Domestic Violence Victims ‘SAFE’ Events This Month

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Walk a Mile in Her Shoes® Official Walk Event Calendar

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Delaware Coalition Against Domestic Violence

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Upcoming Trainings, Webinars and Events Around the Country

Walk for the cure left footThis image © BritLivie-Handcrafted-Jewels 2013

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Shelter organizes domestic violence awareness events

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South Carolina Department of Social Services

APPROVED BATTERER INTERVENTION PROGRAMS

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WOMEN AGAINST ABUSE – Advocacy In Action

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MEN-CAN © Rally hosted by Lutheran Settlement House

October 05, 2013 at 10:30 am – Freedom Christian Bible Fellowship Church at 6100 West Columbia Ave. Phila. PA, 19151

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SAFE HOMES of Orange County

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A SOCIAL JUSTICE ISSUEThis image © BritLivie-Handcrafted-Jewels 2013

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org. – 2013

All rights reserved.

 
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Posted by on October 2, 2013 in SPEAK UP! SPEAK OUT!

 

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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE – THE DEATH OF A CHILD

By Terry Loving

child-in-coffinTrain up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6

“Then said he unto the disciples, It is impossible but that offences will come: but woe unto him, through whom they come! It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.” Luke 17:1-2

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In homes where domestic violence occurs, fear, instability, and confusion replace the love, comfort, and nurturing children need. These children live in constant fear of physical harm from the person who is supposed to care for and protect them. They may feel guilt at loving the abuser or blame themselves for causing the violence. “Domestic Violence, Understanding a Community Problem,” National Woman Abuse Prevention Fund.”

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PLEASE NOTE: No matter what – abusers are still responsible for their violence and abuse.

I post a lot about the abuse of women, and I have also written about the not so exposed fact that men can and do suffer domestic abuse – yes, it happens. I would like to spend time talking about the children that live in violent homes, the “silent witnesses” to the evil tyranny that destroys many innocent lives.

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 We know that children die in violent homes – fathers, boyfriends, mothers, girlfriends, family members, friends – all at some point have caused the death of a child during a domestic violence incident. Domestic-suicides are on the rise, and sadly children are killed just because they are in the home – no other reason – they are innocent, but often found guilty by association. I personally know of a sweet 9-year old boy who was murdered along with his mother by her live-in boyfriend. The child was watching cartoons, and had done nothing wrong. His mother’s abuser called him “a momma’s boy.”

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Today, I want to focus on the death of children that are still living. Some label what happens to abused children as a “death of the spirit,” and rightly so. Even though the child who constantly witnesses violence and perhaps suffers abuse directly is growing up physically, their inner core – their innocent free spirit is murdered, and they spend their entire lives trying to unsuccessfully resurrect the dead child. They spend their lives in confusion and pain – left unto themselves to put the pieces of their shattered souls together to make sense of what they endured.

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One of the reasons that I held off writing this post, is the fact that I cannot speak for the children without disclosing my own painful experiences – they have shaped my life – and not in many positive ways. Not only are my experiences traumatic, but they are embarrassing, humiliating, sinful, evil, shameful and have caused relationship confusion over the course of my life.

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Perhaps much of the same scenario is within abusive homes without the presence of alcohol or drugs – from my standpoint however, I can only speak about a home filled with alcoholism and violence. My two brothers and I suffered in many ways – for me – unspeakable horror.

Disciplining Children through Beating

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For the women who are desperately trying to leave abuse, I commend you and please do not take offense to what I have written. Many of you are not alcoholics, poor, uneducated and selfish – my mother was all of these and more.It is my belief that if we are going to expose the horrors of domestic violence and abuse, we have to cover all areas. This evil comes in many forms and the perpetrators can be male or female.

I do not look down on my mother because of her lack of education and her constant poverty – but know this, alcoholism creates and exasperates poverty in many cases. I say my mother was “selfish” because she had many options to leave abuse, get help for her alcoholism, place her children in safe care, but she chose none of these options when presented. Alcoholism is an extremely selfish “disease” as it has been labeled. The Bible does not see this lifestyle as a “disease.”

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Proverbs 20:1 “Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise.”

Isaiah 5:11 “Woe to those who rise early in the morning to run after their drinks, who stay up late at night till they are inflamed with wine.”

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Children immersed in a culture of violence become insecure and lack an inner conscience that holds respect for others. They are easily discouraged and have low self-esteem. They live without hope. From such a life comes confusion, hostility and violence.” Roger Toogood, ASW/ACSW Executive Director, Children’s Home Society of Minnesota

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There are many abused women who suffer abuse at the hands of one man for years. And there are others who continually find themselves in one abusive relationship after another – this is the case with my mother. She was not married to either of her abusers, and separated from my father whom she was married to. I never heard of my father abusing her, however, he had an alcohol problem as well. He left my two brothers and me when I was 3-years old.

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As an adult, I cannot understand why she allowed herself to be treated so badly. Out of all of her siblings, she was the only one that I know of beaten by violent men. Many of the men in our generation were alcoholics, and only one uncle was violent when he drank his poison of choice. I never heard of my mother being mistreated as a child, although her father left when she was young as well. I tried to connect the dots, but she is the only one who lived this way constantly.

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“Approximately one third of the men counseled for battering are professional men who are well respected in their jobs and in their communities. These have included doctors, physiologists, lawyers, ministers and business executives.” David Adams, “Identifying the Assaultive Husband in Court: You Be the Judge.” Boston Bar Journal, July/August, 1989.

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 Many times my brothers and I were hungry. I can remember going to bed hungry, getting up hoping there was breakfast at least, and going to school on the same empty stomach that I went to sleep on the previous night. There was no shortage of alcohol, only food. I can still see myself getting off the school bus with fingers crossed that there would be food at home – sometimes there was, and many times not. This is one of the atrocities of domestic violence and alcoholism.

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The wars at home are forever pressed in my mind. I can still see and hear that little girl screaming, “LEAVE MY MOMMY ALONE!” I can still hear the sounds of glass breaking, body slamming, screaming, and see ever still the sight of blood. I was in my thirties when I stopped having nightmares, and at the age of 61, I still have flashbacks and painful memories that haunt me and they will never go away.

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My brothers grew up and learned to abuse their wives. My oldest brother’s wife left him, and he abused a girlfriend that took his life. He was an alcoholic as well. Our home was a haven for anyone, young or old who desired to drink, smoke cigarettes and party. My other brother became a Christian and ceased to abuse his wife, they are still together – he refused to bail like my father did. I cannot say much more about him for he is still alive.

 

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Children often times rely on the abusers for food and shelter, but secretly wish they would disappear or die. I hated to see my mother’s abusers come home, and yet – I was glad to see any signs of hope that we would eat. If the abuser decided to stay away, especially when he got paid and my mother did not have money, we starved. During bouts of hunger I learned false pride. I had one or two friends then, and when I was offered food at their home I would kindly say, “I’m OK.” They knew I was hungry but they did not press the issue if I refused.

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We constantly moved due to evictions of non-payment of rent. We moved so much our family members called us “Gypsies.” I never understood that as a child. In the 60’s and 70’s, the Constable would plaster a bright orange eviction notice on the brick wall outside of the house. Everyone that passed by knew we were being kicked out. Often times we would have to bathe in cold water, and wash clothes in the bathtub. When the water went cold, and the food was scarce trouble was on the horizon.

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I was molested in the first or second grade – I cannot remember which. My mother had a job at the time, and she trusted one of her boyfriends to watch me because I was home from school with a cold. The memory is so vivid that I can still see the teddy bears on my pajamas. This was my first introduction to the male anatomy. I never told my mother because the devil threatened to “kill her.” Of course I believed him – why not – he beat her bloody, why not kill her too?

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Worst of all, my own mother betrayed me for alcohol. She got drunk with no money, and I paid the price. I wrote the details in my book – one that I have been too ashamed to publish – but asking God to give me strength if it will help someone else.

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I was always ashamed to bring friends home, which is why I had one or two. I would mostly go to visit at their home. I hated for anyone to see my mother drunk and I was very embarrassed. Our home was embarrassing as well – it looked like a war zone, and very dismal.

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I have given you the short version of some of the things I suffered as a child. I can tell you straight up, children witnessing domestic violence will kill the child that was meant to laugh and play like children should. I was never a child. I had to cook, clean, take care of the home and an alcoholic mother. I do not have fun child-hood memories that children should have. I mostly remember wars, betrayal and things I will take to my grave.

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 “Survivors of domestic violence face high rates of depression, sleep disturbances, anxiety, flashbacks, and other emotional distress.”  http://www.safehorizon.org/index/what-we-do-2/domestic-violence–abuse-53/domestic-violence-the-facts-195.html

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All of the above is true – survivors carry a ton of weight and the “flashbacks” never cease. I can watch a movie, read a book, work my ministry and my mind will click with another horrible memory. The sad part is, I struggle with my feelings towards my mother. The Bible admonishes us to forgive so that we ourselves can be forgiven. The problem is this, I will remember something, get angry, cry, and forgive – but the cycle continues to a point that I despise her over and over again. We did not have to go through her messed up life. She was selfish, and claimed to love her children, but she did not. Again, if you do not fit into this category please do not take my pain personally. Do all you can to not allow your own children to suffer and repeat the cycle of domestic violence and abuse.

depression

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I saved the statistics until last because I needed to make this post more personal. I have adult friends that have suffered and shared, but others who act like they were not affected – I do not believe that.

Another thing that bothers me is this – when children grow up under these circumstances, family members especially, neighbors and sometimes friends never consider the source. They will say things like, “Don’t let your daughter hang out with her,” or “He was a mean little boy.” They never say, “Man, they sure messed those kids up!” Domestic violence and abuse will kill your children literally and spiritually. Get out if you can!

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Save your children! You owe them that much and more. If not, they will pass on family dysfunction to the next generation. Every area of their lives will be affected, trust me – I know.

Don’t let your children die!

Ignoring the consequences of exposure to violence on children can negatively impact their cognitive development as well as their emotional and physical health (Edleson, 1999). Complicating these risks and negative impacts is the fact that these children are at higher risk for child maltreatment, with estimates indicating that as many as 70% of children exposed to domestic violence are also victims of child maltreatment (Fantuzzo & Mohr, (1999)

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COMMENT ON VIDEO

“I grew up in a home where I would have to fight my father to allow my mother to get away. There were times where I had to get my bb gun at 11-12 years old and aim at my father just to get his attention. The fights my parents had were bad, they dealt a damage to one another all the time but my dad had the advantage. Idk.. stuff like this just never leaves. Theres not a day that goes by where I dont stop thinking about it and this is 6-7 years later. No child should grow up in a home with violence.

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COMMENT ON VIDEO

“Some parents shouldn’t be parents at all. I was abused by a borderline personality disorder (look up the movie Mommie Dearest) mother and a father that enabled her behavior and many times participated in the humiliation, beatings, lies along with physical and mental abuse. My sisters and I suffer in our adulthood and we’ll continue suffering until the day we die. This type of pain never goes away.”

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COMMENT ON VIDEO

“i think i suffer a different degree of PTSD. Domestic verbal abuse and parents would argue all the time. But after all of that stopped my mother dies in a car accident. I still remember the day, songs i heard, games i played, book i read, and the warrant officer who told me the bad news. PTSD is hell in your brain. I cant socialize, have fun, and be an amusing human like i used to. it’s like half of your soul dies. time can heal it as it’s doing for me. but there will always be a scar.”

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5 Ways Domestic Violence Causes Harm to Children

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“Children may exhibit emotional problems, cry excessively, or be withdrawn or shy. Children may have difficulty making friends or have fear of adults. Children may suffer from depression and excessive absences from school. Children may use violence for solving problems at school and home. Children may be at greater risk of being a runaway, being suicidal, or committing criminal acts as juveniles and adults. Children who are experiencing stress may show it in different ways, including difficulty in sleeping, bedwetting, over-achieving, behavior problems, withdrawing, stomach aches, headaches and/or diarrhea.”

“Children who grow up in violent homes have much higher risks of becoming drug or alcohol abusers or being involved in abusive relationships, as a batterer or a victim. Children do not have to be abused themselves in order to be impacted by violence in the home.”    http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/effects.htm

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Parenting after Separating from Your Abusive Ex — by Dr George Simon Jr

“Remember that you have no power over the nature and quality of the relationship your children will have with your ex. And it’s extremely counterproductive to carry out a covert war against your abusive ex through your children. It will only demonize you in their eyes and invite them to over-idealize their character-deficient other parent. Instead, focus intently on the nature of your own relationship with them.”

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Effects of Domestic Violence on Children

“It was reported in 1992 that 63% of children between the ages of 11 and 20 who were in prison, were there because they killed their mother’s batterer.”

“Do statistics like this startle you? Do they make you think about the kind of situation the child must have been in to even think of murder as a solution? Sadly more children than you might think live in homes where domestic violence occurs on a regular basis.”

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Child Protection in Families Experiencing Domestic Violence

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PTSD in Children and Adolescents

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Post-traumatic Stress in Children and Adolescents Exposed to Family Violence: I. Overview and Issues

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Women, Domestic Violence, and Posttraumatic Stress

Disorder (PTSD)*

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Child murder by mothers: patterns and prevention

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RISKS POSED TO CHILDREN FROM VIOLENT HOMES

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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND ALCOHOL

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THE THINGS WE DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT

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Domestic Violence: A Power Struggle With Lasting Consequences

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http://emily.last-memories.com/

“Child Abuse is real. It’s not something in fairy tales, or songs. It happens every day. Children cannot fight the real life monsters in their life, it’s our job as human beings with hearts to do it for them. We have to stop being silent and covering up. We must take a stand. We must continue the fight to stop child abuse. It’s too late to change what happened to Emily but let her story be a reminder to you, that we have to put an end to child abuse. For Emily, for the future of our children.”

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Alcohol is one of Satan’s tools of destruction. The book of Wisdom warns of becoming partakers and shows the results:

“Who has woe? Who has sorrow?
Who has contentions? Who has complaining?
Who has wounds without cause?
Who has redness of eyes?
Those who linger long over wine,
Those who go to taste mixed wine.
Do not look on the wine when it is red,
When it sparkles in the cup,
When it goes down smoothly;
At last it bites like a serpent
And stings like a viper.
Your eyes will see strange things
And your mind will utter perverse things,
And you will be like one who lies down in the middle of
the sea,
Or one who lies down on top of a mast.
They struck me, but I did not become ill;
They beat me, but I did not know it.
When shall I awake?
I will seek another drink.”

(Proverbs 23:29-35)

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“Child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime.”
– Herbert Ward

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bastard out of carolina

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com

“This fine but shocking drama (which Ted Turner paid for and then refused to show on his cable outfits), based on the novel by Dorothy Allison, concerns extensive abuse endured by a girl (Jena Malone) at the hands of her stepfather (Ron Eldard), while her mother (Jennifer Jason Leigh) looks the other way. Anjelica Huston made her directorial debut with this film and demonstrates that talent also runs in the family when behind the camera. Difficult to watch but mitigated by Huston’s intelligent approach and sense of balance–as well as outstanding performances–this is a significant film best left to the most mature audiences. –Tom Keogh”

What’s more, Bone’s mother has to choose between her daughter and the man she loves.

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009-2013
All rights reserved.

 
8 Comments

Posted by on April 29, 2013 in PROTECTING CHILDREN FROM ABUSE

 

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DOMESTIC ABUSE – AN AMAZING STORY OF SURVIVAL

Book Review

From the moment I started reading this book, I could not put it down. I read it entirely, cover to cover in one sitting. When I finished, all I could say was, “Wow!” It captured my senses as though I was living that nightmare with Ivette. I felt every pain, hit, punch, kick, frustration, and incidence of betrayal – especially from her mother.  I cried when her little one died, and hurt for her daughter Victoria as though I was witnessing my own mother’s abuse through her eyes. God is truly with Ivette, and saved her for “such a time as this” – to speak out against domestic violence and abuse.

If you are raising a teenage daughter – or son – counseling teens about abuse, or a teen hiding the abuse from your family and friends, this book is for you. Ivette’s true story is powerful, engaging, and needful for those who do not truly understand the dynamics of domestic violence – it is often complicated. After reading this book, never again will you ask, “Why doesn’t she leave?”

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Ivette Attaud, a Harlem, New York native and former Fort Bragg army wife, has been a survivor of domestic violence and abuse for over twenty years. Having survived an abusive dating relationship and marriage to a Staff Sergeant in the Army, she managed to break the chains of her abuser. After years of extreme violence, abuse, a suicide attempt, a violent physical assault while pregnant with twins that resulted in the death of one of her daughters and a broken shoulder, Ivette left with her two surviving daughters and returned to New York.

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 It is rare that I will read a book in one day. I read Ivette’s book in a matter of hours. Even when I stopped to fix dinner, I had to bring it to the dinner table and read more of her life’s journey of violence and abuse. Not often will a book, besides the Bible – engage my mind so that I lose track of time. The experience was like watching a nail biting movie – I was rooting for the main character, Ivette – while wishing the antagonist, her husband, Victor – would fall off the face of the earth. Not that I wish bad things to happen to people – I just wanted him to go away and leave her alone – he made her life a miserable hell.

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 If I were raising a young teen today, male or female – especially female – we would read this book together and discuss it. It isn’t enough to educate your teenage daughters. This book will prove that parents need to reach their young sons as well before they start dating. Unfortunately, both Victor and Ivette had mothers who condoned his negative and abusive behavior, which led him to believe that he was right in his wrong-doing.

For those of you who are in abusive relationships, you will benefit from Ivette’s experience as well. Allow her pain to be the catalyst the will strengthen you to find a way out of your abusive relationship.

There is no catch to this review. I don’t have an affiliate link, nor shall I gain monetarily in any way by promoting MY LIFE, MY SOUL. It was powerful enough to touch my soul, and it is my hope, that you will allow this magnificent experience move you to help set the captive free.

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http://www.mylifemysoul.com/

Ivette Attaud Book Trailer

To download a free preview of the book:

TEEN DATING AND VIOLENCE

LOVE IS RESPECT

CHOOSE RESPECT!

WHAT IF YOUR TEEN IS EXPERIENCING DATING VIOLENCE?

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.

 
5 Comments

Posted by on May 24, 2011 in SURVIVING DOMESTIC ABUSE

 

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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND THE DISABLED

By Terry Loving

One has to be lower than low to abuse anyone, especially someone who is disabled. Living with physical or other types of disabling bodily ailments is tough enough. Yet, many who suffer in their bodies must also endure violence and abuse from their mates, caregivers, and evil hearts that just don’t care. Unfortunately, no one is exempt, men, women, children – abuse does not discriminate.

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We hear much about domestic violence and abuse, but rarely do we acknowledge that disabled women suffer abuse much longer, and more frequently than non-disabled women. In fact, injuries that the disabled suffer tend to be more severe in nature.

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Disabled women are twice as likely to experience domestic violence than non-disabled women (1995 British Crime Survey, also confirmed by data from other countries). They are also likely to experience abuse over a longer period of time and to suffer more severe injuries as a result of the violence.” 1

Ok, I just stated this fact, but you needed to hear from the source for yourselves.

Many agencies that help battered women have not incorporated accessibility needs for battered disabled women. For most agencies, disability accommodations are new territory, and they weren’t prepared for the great need that they now face. No one could have predicted the epidemic of domestic violence that our society faces daily. Therefore, there is still much to be done to assist the many that flee from this atrocity. Even those who provide “disability-related services” are ill-prepared to “deal with issues of abuse.”

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Imagine a woman needing a wheelchair to get around, and her abuser denies her access to it. Or withholding much needed medications, or not assisting with dressing or bathing, eating, and things the disabled cannot do for themselves. The disabled are more vulnerable to abuse, for in most cases they totally depend on their abusers for survival. Physical limitations also make it much more difficult to leave the hell they must endure daily.

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One study noted – “Women with disabilities experienced all types of abuse (emotional, physical, or sexual) for significantly longer periods of time than women without disabilities.”  The risk factors for abuse are the same as they are for non-disabled women. Often times it is difficult for non-disabled women to escape the violence and abuse. Escape is much more problematic for the disabled. Many are on fixed incomes, and cannot work, or they have limited abilities such as mobility or other barriers.

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Most abusers socially isolate the abused, forbidding them to have friends or contact with family. They will purposely move the unsuspecting far away from support, family and friends to establish complete control. In the case of the disabled, their limitation to connect with others is often their disability. Deaf women feel lost in a hearing world, especially when there is no one to communicate with them via sign language – except their abusers.

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Children are also vulnerable to abuse from their siblings. Often, the non-disabled brothers and sisters resent having to include their disabled sibling in their everyday lives. If they are given the task of care giving while mother runs errands, they are often resentful and abuse the helpless child. I repeat, abuse does not discriminate – anyone can be abused by those we least expect it from.

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If you are disabled and abused, please know that there is hope for you. There are agencies that are now recognizing the issue of accessibility, and accommodations to help you move life forward. There is much room for advocacy in this area, and who knows – perhaps you are the one that God will use to bring this matter before the world. Don’t give up. Whatever information that I find that will help you, I will post it.

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By the way, I understand the trial of having a disability that affects every area of life. I am hearing impaired, and I know what it is like to be excluded by friends, family and society in general. I know the pain of being shunned, laughed at, made fun of, and treated badly due to a disability that I never expected would be a part of my life. I also have physical limitations due to an accident. But my God is ever so good to me. I praise Him through the pain and trials, and keep moving. I look forward to heaven someday, but in the meantime – I use the gifts He has bestowed upon me to help others.

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Many people think that life is all about them – their comfort, material possessions and having a good time. I have learned through many hardships that God uses them all to shape and mold us to conform to the likeness of His image. If only we tried to do that much, the world would be a better place. I have a heart for the things of God, and my love reaches out to all who are abused – especially the most vulnerable. In a way I can thank those who excluded me; it caused me to draw closer to my Heavenly Father. I don’t regret that at all. Don’t give up!

Peace

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1 http://www.bcm.edu/crowd/national_study/ABUSE.htm

DISABLED ABUSE RESOURCES

Disabled Women & Abuse

Domestic Violence & Disabled Women

www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission. © Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009 All rights reserved.

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4 Comments

Posted by on May 17, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Domestic Violence – SIN BY SILENCE

By Terry Loving

“PRISON IS SAFER THAN THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE”

This post is hard for me, and yet vital to the cause of ending domestic violence and abuse. The woman who stabbed my brother to death didn’t get any time for it – only five years’ probation.  How she got away with pre-meditated murder, I will never know. But that is a tragic story for another time.

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It is no secret that women, who kill their abusers, receive harsher prison time than men who kill women. Why is the system the way it is?  For starters – men oversee the system. This post is not about judging the rationale behind the killings; I wasn’t there when they happened. My intent is to shed light on the fact that the violence can drive one to do what they later regret, and it further destroys the family structure. The children are the silent victims that have to grow up without both parents in many cases, and the cycle often expands across generations.

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It is my hope and prayer that this post will hit home, and cause many to rethink staying in abusive situations. Those who can should leave before it is too late. Numerous women will remain in prison for the rest of their lives – while too many men who murdered women are walking free among us.

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“From behind prison walls, Sin by Silence reveals the lives of extraordinary women who advocate for a future free from domestic violence.”

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“I may be in prison, but I can be a mouthpiece for ladies out there that don’t have a voice and have no where to go. Open your mouth and tell someone! Don’t stop until someone hears you. Shout it from the rooftops! Don’t stop!

http://www.sinbysilence.com/

http://www.sinbysilence.com/blog/

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Saint Valentines’ Day Massacre

http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org/id19.html

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“Some abusers call the police to have their partners arrested and use arrest as an additional tool of power and control (NCDBW, 2001).”

“Women arrested for harming others. Arrest and incarceration can result when women try to protect or defend themselves and their children from abuse, as well as when they cannot protect their children. Arrests of women for domestic violence assaults have increased since mandatory and pro-arrest laws and policies have been implemented…”

http://snow.vawnet.org/applied-research-papers/print-document.php?doc_id=412&find_type=Consequences

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.

 
7 Comments

Posted by on March 13, 2011 in THE ABUSED IMPRISONED

 

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AFTER THE VIOLENCE – THEY HAD SEX

By Terry Loving

It was another night of violence – body slamming – glass breaking – yelling – punching – the same scenario,  every time. Except this time, something was different.

My mother wasn’t sitting on the couch nursing her wounds. Maybe she didn’t get hurt that badly this time? Someone did – the sounds of violence were too intense for no harm done. Something was different though – it was quiet – too quiet – did someone die? Hopefully, it wasn’t my mother. What would we do? Where would we go? It was quiet, too quiet.

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As I slowly crept to the closed bedroom door, I heard moaning. Someone was still alive. Did my mother need a doctor? Was she bleeding like the last time? I was afraid to open the door – but I had to know if my mother needed help. My hands were shaking, but I forced them to turn the knob, and open the bedroom door. It was a “No-No” to open the grown-ups bedroom door without permission – but this was an emergency – my emergency – I had to find out if my mother was still alive.

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Nothing could have prepared my young mind for the confusion I experienced that day. My mother was alive, hurt, but alive. Her abuser was in the same position that he was always – on top – they were having sex. I stood there for just a moment trying to take it in. I wasn’t interested in the act itself – but the explanation. How could she take a beating like that, and they have sex afterward? I was a kid then, I can’t remember my age – but I knew that what was happening wasn’t something that was supposed to happen. Sex?? How??

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A friend of mine confided in me that his parents had sex after the violence as well. Ike Turner and many other abusers expect/demand sex after they beat their victims senseless. For abusers this is the icing on the violence, a coming down after a building up. For the victim, this is forced sex, humiliation, torture, adding insult to injury, and in many cases – marital rape.

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As a child, I could not understand why my mother would allow it. As an adult, I realize that she had no choice. Why face another beating when you are already bleeding and broken – just give in and survive. And that is what sex after a beat-down amounts to – survival. No one can convince me that a battered woman enjoys sex after physical abuse. Personally, I had a hard time being intimate with my ex-husband after his verbal tirades. In fact, I didn’t. So, I know that this isn’t sex that is enjoyed. If so, then both abuser and the abused have serious issues.

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If you are living with violence and abuse – sexual abuse – it won’t be long before you are an empty shell. You will be among the walking dead, soul-less, and you will have nothing left. I pray for your strength to get out of the hellish life you are living, seek help. If you stay, there are only two roads that will lead your life – anger and revenge – depression, and possibly suicide – either way – death. You are worth much more than that to God. He loves you. You are worthy of love and respect no matter what you have gone through. Honor yourself – live!

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NATIONAL CENTER  – on Domestic and Sexual Violence

http://www.ncdsv.org/

SIGNS OF ABUSE AND ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

MENTAL HEALTH RESOURCES

http://www.findcounseling.com/journal/domestic-violence/sexual-abuse.html

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“My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold and my refuge; My savior, You save me from violence.” (2 Samuel 22:3 – NASB)

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org


No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.

 
16 Comments

Posted by on October 20, 2010 in SEX AND THE BATTERED WOMAN

 

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