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WHY ABUSED MEN DON’T SPEAK OUT

By Terry Loving

Proverbs 21:9 “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.”

Proverbs 21:19 “Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.”

New International Version (©1984)
“A foolish son is his father’s ruin, and a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping.”

Proverbs 27:15 “A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day;”

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It is widely documented that more women than men suffer abuse. Perhaps this is the reason why more shelters are geared towards assisting woman and their children, rather than shelters for men.  During my research on this topic, I have discovered that men who suffer abuse do not readily report their plight to authorities. Why? Because our society has differentiated gender roles to imply – women are dainty and delicate, while men are rough, tough, and masculine. Therefore, if there is an issue of domestic violence and abuse, society tends to side with the women – after all, how could it be possible that a “dainty” woman can successfully abuse a much stronger male?

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It happens.

Not because the female aggressor is physically stronger than the man that she is abusing, but because he won’t hit her back. Many men are raised to never strike a female, regardless of what she does. Some men may view this mentality as absurd, and look upon the male victim as a “wuss.” The abused man is chided, ridiculed, and laughed at when he seeks help from authorities, and our court system does not place much value upon his complaints. In many cases, the tables are turned when an abused man calls the police. He may have held his aggressive mate by the arms to keep her from striking him further, but often times the police arrest him as the aggressor in the matter. Too often abused men find no relief through our court system, and they are left to feel the same shame that abused women often experience.

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Even though this blog has many posts that refer to the abuse of women and children, men can be, and are often abused by women as well. In order to eradicate the evil of domestic violence and abuse, both sides of the equation must be acknowledged. If we are to establish peace in our homes, we must shine a light on all components of domestic violence. Acknowledging the fact that men are abused is not a taking of sides, feminist verses chauvinist. It is a matter of justice for all. Isn’t that one of the privileges of being an American, “Liberty and justice for all?”

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As long as male verses female, strong verses weak, evil verses good, rich verses poor exist – we will never experience harmony in our world. We will continue to raise our children to view others based on skin color, gender, economic status, religious differences, and everything but “made in the image of God.” Women who verbally and physically abuse their mates are no different from men who do the same. Children are taught family dysfunction no matter who does the hitting – mommy or daddy.

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Why abused men don’t speak out? Because they are not believed when they reach out for help, it is the same frustration that abused women feel. Men are laughed at, women are told to “stop pushing his buttons.” Many “macho” guys feel that if a woman is big enough to hit, she is big enough to get hit back. It has been said that some women strike first because they “want to get hit.” Due to low self-esteem and abuse she suffered growing up, she may feel that getting beaten is all that she deserves. Really, she needs counseling and much help with her beliefs.

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The Effects of Husband Abuse

“Men who experience domestic violence can experience serious, long-term effects on their mental health. Emotional abuse can take a serious toll on a man’s psyche, resulting in depression or low self-esteem.”

“Male domestic abuse doesn’t go away if it’s ignored. Sometimes abused husbands stay in the marriage because they think it won’t happen again – similar to abused wives.”

“We know that many women may have trouble leaving abusive relationships, especially if they’re caring for young children and not working outside the home,” said Dr. Reid. “We were surprised to find that most men in abusive relationships also stay, through multiple episodes, for years.”1

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Regardless of who commits acts of violence and abuse in the home, the children will see, listen, and learn negative behaviors from both parents. If only people were more like Jesus, servants to one another, we would have less abuse in our homes. If we placed more emphasis on out doing one another in serving one another, we would eliminate the selfishness which is the foundation of domestic violence. Also, statistics may determine that violence against women is more prevalent and brutal – however, all violence is sinful. Violent and abusive homes produce more victims and perpetrators for the next generation.

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The true Cycle of Violence involves training our children to hit and abuse innocent people that they will come in contact with. It is no longer just a concern that they will grow up to be violent, young children today are angry and violent – shooting and killing – and guess where they learned such behaviors? – At home.

Until proven otherwise, every complaint of abuse should be taken seriously. No one should have to live this way.

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GALATIANS 5:19-21

“Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.”

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New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“It is better to live in a desert land Than with a contentious and vexing woman.”

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HELP FOR MEN WHO SUFFER ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS

When Men Are the Victims of Abuse

“Don’t believe it happens? Let Ron Mattocks tell you how his wife mentally abused him and how it ruined his social life, his career, and left him ready to commit suicide. Then find out how he turned things around.”

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RESOURCE LIST – SAFE FOR ALL.ORG

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FREE ONLINE SUPPORT GROUP

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Android Phone Angry Wife Game App: Women Abusing Men as Sport

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SHRINK4MEN

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Why do we stay?

“Understanding why men stay in abusive relationships or remain silent…”

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A.A.R.D.V.A.R.C.
An Abuse, Rape, and Domestic Violence Aid and Resource Collection

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Battered Men – The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence

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MALE VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND ABUSIVE WOMEN

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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE-When She Hits Him First

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Erin Pizzey

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WHY ABUSED MEN DON’T TELL

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Sexual Violence Against Men – Still a Taboo Subject

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WomenAbusingMen.org

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DadsRights.org

1Read more at Suite101: Husband Abuse: Men Experience Domestic Violence: How Domestic Violence Affects a Man’s Health & Self-Image | Suite101.com http://l-pawlik-kienlen.suite101.com/emotional-physical-husband-abuse-a55472#ixzz1Zm0tCUuB

Colin Henderson's winning design will be displ...

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

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No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.

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Posted by on October 3, 2011 in SPEAK UP! SPEAK OUT!

 

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GOD HATES DIVORCE – And VIOLENCE! – Part 1

By Terry Loving

“Better is a dry morsel and quietness therewith, than an house full of feasting with strife.” Proverbs 17:1

“Men will find that their wrong conduct in their families springs from selfishness, which disregards the welfare and happiness of others, when opposed to their own passions and fancies. It is wearisome to God to hear people justify themselves in wicked practices. Those who think God can be a friend to sin, affront him, and deceive themselves. The scoffers said, Where is the God of judgement? but the day of the Lord will come.” 1

“The LORD tests the righteous and the wicked, And the one who loves violence His soul hates.” (Psalm 11:5)

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Often times, it is the violence and abuse that leads to divorce. One commits violence, one may divorce because of it. God hates divorce – God hates violence – who committed the greater sin? Sin is sin – but who offends God the most in this situation?

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Ultimately, the abused must make a decision, stay or leave. Pastoral advice concerning domestic violence varies, however, abused women are often counseled to remain in the home – endure the abuse – submit more – learn to cook better – don’t set him off – and accept the abuse as the Will of God. This of course will never be proven in the Word of God – therefore, this teaching is the will of man. God will “test” the righteous, but never will he tempt us to sin. Violence is sin.

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Further, this erroneous spiritual advice sheds light on scriptural contractions – not on God’s part – but that of man. Jesus gave sight to the blind – healed the sick – raised the dead – defended the poor – strengthened the weak – and most of all – died on the cross for all while we were yet “sinners.” Christ could have informed a Samaritan woman that His race didn’t associate with her kind – in fact; the Jews intensely hated the Samaritans. He knew that she was a lost soul, and He had great concern for her immortal well-being. He asked her for a drink to commence the discourse, and set her free from her sins. Does this sound like a Savior who would sanction violence and abuse against women – more so, those who He desired to save?

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The Bible is often misquoted to suggest that God has given husbands free reign over their wives. Man often turns the beautiful, Divine institution of marriage into a prison whereby men are the cruel wardens – supposedly – blessed by God to rule with tyranny. In reality, this fallacy stems from human error, not Biblical mandates. Familial and societal mind conditioning also play a very important part in the misconception that women are inferior to men in the sight of God.

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Wives are joint heirs with their husbands – positioned in Christ – to receive the manifold blessings and spiritual inheritance promised by God. Listening to the wrong spiritual advice however, leaves one with the impression that God only cares about the well-being and “supremacy” of men – who He has given the right to treat their loved ones any way they see fit. This notion is straight from the pits of hell. Why would Jesus heal the wounded, then give men permission to use violence and abuse against their wives – who would eventually become the wounded? He didn’t.

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Yes, God established a spiritual hierarchy of leadership – God – Christ – man –woman and children. However, Christian men especially, tend to be ignorant of the spiritual umbrella of submission. Meaning, submission does not apply only to the wife. But that is a topic for another time. In the meantime if you desire, you can read my other post on “submission” here – http://spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org/id27.html.

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Back to the violence – God hates it! And the Bible has plenty to say concerning violent men. Even though I will refer to “men” in this post, the hatred of violence applies to violent women as well. God hates violence no matter who is dishing it out. However, the Bible speaks more of the violence of men, who are considered to be in the same class as the “ungodly.” Even if a man claims to be of Christ, his violent actions are that of lawlessness. One cannot claim to be a Christian and violent at the same time.

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“The LORD tests the righteous and the wicked, And the one who loves violence His soul hates.” (NASB)

“The LORD trieth the righteous: but the wicked and him that loveth violence his soul hateth.” (KJV)

How can God sanction violence against women, when the Word says His very “soul hateth him that loveth violence?” To the core of His being, God hates violence and those who are violent. Hot tempered men stir up dissensions, start fights, and love to quarrel. Proverbs 22:4 warns us to make no friendship, not to associate with, or show ourselves friendly with hot tempered men. This warning should be taken to heart when desiring a mate. I ignored my ex-husband’s hot temper before marriage, for it was always directed at others. It was just a matter of time before his verbal lava spewed in my direction.

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At this point, I realize the need to break up this subject into separate parts. Part Two will address more of the violence; MALACHAI 2:16; and wrestling with the decision to divorce an abuser.

GOD IS NOT A RESPECTER OF PERSONS

GOD HATES DIVORCE – And VIOLENCE! – Part 2

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

1http://bible.cc/malachi/2-16.htm

NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE REGISTRY

“It’s time for all to date responsibly, know who you are dating and what secrets lie in their past. We help you foster greater awareness of your dating choices! This Knowledge will Save Your Life!!!”

http://www.domesticviolencedatabase.org/default-db.asp

DATE RESPONSIBLY

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No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.


 
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Posted by on March 28, 2011 in DOMESTIC VIOLENCE/DIVORCE

 

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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE-When She Hits Him First

By Terry Loving

The recent murder of Bobby Tilman shed light on a subject – in my mind – that is often overlooked – females striking males. Tilman attended a house party where a “fight broke out between two females and two males…one of the females hit a male.”1 If the male who was “slapped” had not allowed his inner rage to kill a man, his perceived self-control may have been commendable. If he pats himself on the back and says, “At least I didn’t hit a woman,” his self-praise is worthless.

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I have personally known women who struck the first blow, sometimes involving knives, bricks, and anything that was close by. Some of the women were just as tough as their men, and fought like men who bled, and lived to fight another day. These women would bleed from busted lips, cuts on their faces and body, but they stayed in these destructive relationships until death took one or the other – due to ill-health or violence. One woman was told by her doctor, “You should have left a long time ago.”

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The news articles that I have read didn’t mention why the female at the party slapped the male. Perhaps the public will be enlightened as the trial of the four accused murderers commences. At this point it can only be assumed that something was said to offend the female, or her body was touched purposely – or accidentally in a manner that displeased her. We will have to wait and see.

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(DID SHE REALLY THINK SHE COULD BEAT THIS MAN? And who are they representing – certainly not God!)

AN EMBARRASSMENT TO THE BODY OF CHRIST!!!!!

In either case, women have been slapping men for centuries. Usually when a male is slapped, he offended the female in such a way that she felt her honor was attacked. One thing for sure in the case of Bobby Tilman’s murder is this – the slap triggered anger – the anger needed an outlet – and “…the next man that walked by…” was the scapegoat.

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It is my hope that we all learn a valuable lesson concerning what happened in Douglasville – violence solves nothing. When a female hits first, she is contributing to the violence in our society as much as the male who hits her back. And what are we teaching our children? When daddy says something wrong, “slap him?” When mommy makes a mistake – “beat her?” When you go to a party, take a gun – “just in case?” If someone looks at you wrong, “kill them?”

“The LORD tests the righteous and the wicked, And the one who loves violence His soul hates.”   (Psalm 11:5- NASB)

1 THE SENSELESS MURDER OF BOBBY TILMAN

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WHY ABUSED MEN DON’T SPEAK OUT

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10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully

by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

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ABUSIVE WOMEN

(Click link for more)

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Getting Past Justifying Abuse

HEART 2 HEART – SUPPORT NETWORK AND SELF-HELP DATABASE FOR MEN

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE!

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VIOLENCE BEGETS VIOLENCE

Amber Portwood with boyfriend Gary Shirley

“‘TEEN MOM’ star charged with domestic violence felonies.”

“According to police documents, on August 14, 2009, Portwood shoved Shirley against a wall, slapped him on the face and choked him,” Carroll said. “The incident was witnessed by the couple’s 1-year-old child who sat in a child seat on a nearby bed.”


http://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/celebrity.news.gossip/11/18/teen.mom.charged/index.html?hpt=T2

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TEEN MOM COULD LOSE HER DAUGHTER

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Working with Violent Women

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“THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT!”

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Mom slaps referee during daughter’s soccer game in Forsyth County

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Forgetting birthday gift gets man slapped and woman put in jail

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Controversial app lets you beat up your boyfriend

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boyfriend-trainer-top630

THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES NO MATTER WHO DOES THE HITTING.

http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.

 
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Posted by on November 17, 2010 in EXCUSES FOR VIOLENCE/ABUSE

 

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