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“I CAN’T CALL THE POLICE – HE IS THE POLICE!”

By Terry Loving

“‘You shall not murder.   (Deuteronomy 5:17)

yX5yV.AuSt.5On April 26, 2003 Tacoma Police Chief David Brame fatally wounded his wife, Crystal, and then killed himself.”

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“…when a woman calls police to report domestic violence, her chances are at least two out of five that the officer who responds has recently beaten his own partner . . . and gotten away with it! It is in part this dynamic that has created “unequal justice” for domestic violence victims everywhere.”

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No other crime victim is so utterly trapped as the police officer’s domestic partner. She is threatened with death if she reports; dismissed as crazy in internal “investigations” that are little more than a closing of the ranks around the offender; and laughed off by district attorneys when asked when charges will be filed. For the rare woman who does break free, she finds herself hunted from house to house and state to state, afraid she will be arrested on a trumped-up crime, then “battered” again in family court, often to lose her children to the violent spouse. Some of these women have lived underground for years rather than risk almost certain death if her batterer finds her.”

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cop12n-2-web kicking woman

Abused women are encouraged to contact agencies that assist them during their crisis. When in immediate danger, they are advised to dial “911” and seek help from local law enforcement. When the police arrive at the scene in many cases, abusers are arrested especially when the abused shows visible signs of injury. The laws are changing for the most part where domestic abusers are arrested and prosecuted in spite of the protests of the abused.

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 Usually, the abused who seeks a domestic violence restraining order is granted one in a matter of minutes. But what happens when the abuser is a police officer himself? The wife of Milwaukee Police Officer Mark T. Lelinski experienced just how difficult it can be for abused wives to seek and win protection orders against their abusive husbands who work in a system that is designed to protect its citizens – regardless of who they are.

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“Every year, hundreds of domestic violence restraining orders are granted in Milwaukee County’s courts. In many cases, the hearings take 5 or 10 minutes. In the case against Milwaukee Police Officer Mark T. Lelinski, hearings stretched over more than eight hours on four different days.”

It is not uncommon for the responding officers to only speak with the officer accused of battery. Police officers are part of a “Brotherhood” that protects its own. In too many cases, no reports are written and the officers have a pow-wow on the front lawn, laughing and dismissing the severity of why the abused called for help in the first place. The abused is accused of being “crazy” or “hysterical” and having “blown things out of proportion.” The responding officers leave and the abused is left in an increasing dangerous situation.

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It is well documented that proving a case of domestic violence against a police officer is very difficult. The challenges are “unique” and abuse victims feel that the system fails them because their abusers are a part of that system they should be able to turn to for help. Mrs. Lelinski discovered to her dismay that the system was more concerned with the officer’s reputation, and the good of the department rather than the injustice she suffered at home.

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 Although the responding officers “did nothing,” and refused to testify against their fellow officer; the victim was first denied a protection order; a city attorney fought to keep the evidence out of court, Mrs. Lelinski was finally granted a two-year protection order for the sake the couple’s son. Because officer Lelinski was not convicted of a felony in Milwaukee, he was allowed to keep his job and his gun.

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On April 26, 2003 – David Brame shot his estranged wife Crystal in the parking lot of a Gig Harbor shopping plaza. Not only did Brame shoot himself in the head, he psychologically damaged their two children – they witnessed the shootings. At the time of this tragedy, 44 year-old David Brame was the Chief of Police in western Washington. Brame died 2-1/2 hours after his self-inflicted gunshot wound. The 45 caliber Glock semiautomatic was possibly his service weapon. Crystal Brame held on for seven days, and finally succumbed to a fatal wound to her head. Two more children were orphaned by domestic violence.

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 Their turbulent divorce had become public knowledge, and Crystal Brame “alleged spousal abuse and claimed Chief Brame pointed a gun at her and threatened to kill her.” On April 26, 2003, David Brame turned his threats into a harsh reality.

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 An alleged rape in the 80’s, and a recommendation that Brame not be hired as a result of a psychological evaluation in 1981 did not impede his rise to power. There were “other incidents” throughout Barme’s career that were red flags, but they were ignored. Asterisks surrounded his 1981 hiring; Brame took three psychological evaluations before he was deemed eligible. Few knew or noticed.

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 “He had a brother on the police force. He had a father on the police force. It’s the good old boy system. It’s the buddy system. It’s the blue code,” says John Hathaway, who grew up in East Tacoma, near Brame’s family.

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megan-graham beaten by copsHandicapped Woman Calls 911 During Brutal Beating by Cops

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Ray Corpuz, Tacoma’s city manager allegedly suppressed the rape charges against Chief Brame. The “cover up” by Corpuz protected Brame and Corpuz. Ray and his wife were involved in an insurance scam concerning a burglary at their home. Corpuz and Brame knew damaging information about one another, and they made a pact to keep silent.

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In the case of “Ross Mirkarimi, the San Francisco sheriff who was charged with three misdemeanor counts connected with accusations that he abused his wife” – fear spread far and wide.

“Advocates for battered women are reluctant to dive into domestic violence cases involving police for fear of alienating the agencies they rely upon for help in other abuse cases. Several local advocates declined to be interviewed for this article because of that concern, although more than a dozen publicly called Thursday for Mirkarimi to step aside temporarily while the case against him is resolved.”

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“The biggest problem for a woman reporting that she’s been abused by her police officer husband or boyfriend is that nobody believes you,” said Diane Wetendorf of Chicago, who wrote a nationally used victim handbook, “Police Domestic Violence.”

“If you do speak up, the police are very good at turning the accusations around,” Wetendorf said. “The women get terrified, too, so the crime is very under-reported. There is a legitimate fear of retaliation.”

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There are many good cops that strive to do the right thing on and off the job. On the other hand, power and control hungry men often pursue a career in law enforcement to satisfy their need for dominance. The use of and misuse of authority, the badge and the gun are more important to such men rather than the heart to help people in need.

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NYPD-Officer-Larry-DePrimo-a-standard-all-cops-should-strive-forhttp://christopherdiarmani.com/8811/police/great-police-officers/shocking-true-good-cops-exist/

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Several studies, according to Gandy and Wetendorf, indicate that women suffer domestic abuse in at least 40 percent of police officer families. For American women overall, the figure is 25 percent, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.”

“She said officers who abuse their wives or partners often are perverting the ‘continuum of force’ used in policing.”

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“They start out with command presence and voice to gain and maintain control, and if that doesn’t work, they go up the scale with an increasing amount of force until they get compliance,” Wetendorf said. “Unfortunately, these guys use the same technique with their wives and girlfriends. And some of them go from 0 to 60 right away.”

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“A big part of police culture is the code of silence,” she said. “The prosecutors depend on police for their cases, the police depend on each other – it’s a very insulated system.”

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Officer Mirkarimi stated that what happened in his home was “a family matter.” Fortunately, the laws are changing – slowly – but changing to view domestic violence as much more than a family squabble.

“San Francisco police spokesman Officer Albie Esparza said his department is as intolerant of domestic violence as anyone in the city.”

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“When you are sworn to protect and serve, you are held to a higher standard than the general public,” Esparza said. “If you are accused of domestic violence, you not only get your case in court, but you get an internal affairs investigation.”

“Whether it involves an officer from our agency or another agency, we take these accusations very seriously,” Esparza said. “You cannot change the way you do your job just because it’s another officer.”

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  Calculated Behavior

“Most victims ask if the abuser knows what he’s doing. The answer is “yes.” The police abuser, even more than a civilian abuser, knows exactly what he wants to accomplish and how to do it.”

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Training makes him dangerous

“A police officer’s training and professional status add extra levels of sophistication to his style of psychological and physical battering. It may be helpful for you to step back and see how his training and status intensify his abusive behavior in your relationship.”

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THE POLICE ARE OUT OF CONTROL!!!!

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The Police Are Still Out of Control

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In America, fear is growing that the police are getting out of control

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“And ye shall be betrayed both by parents, and brethren, and kinsfolks, and friends; and some of you shall they cause to be put to death.”

(Luke 21:16 – KJV)

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10 years later: Looking back at former Tacoma Police Chief David Brame

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  I Am Divorcing An Abusive Police Officer

“Mine started off as the dream guy. The most supported and loving man I had ever met. I told my family “I’m going to marry this guy”. As I am now in my 4th year of this relationship, it’s a complete nightmare. He doesn’t ke me visit my family, call them, or spend holidays or birthdays with them. I own the house we live in and he refuses to leave even though I’ve asked him to leave several times. When I say I’m going to call the cops he just laughs because they are all his buddies and won’t do anything to help me.”

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“My first lawyer told me to face the facts, my soon to be ex is a cop and he is going to win.”

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 “Last night was pretty much the last straw. A friend of his (another cop) hit me in the face joking around but I was so offended and caught off guard that I got upset and started crying. Well he flipped and told me I was being stupid and the argument between us was our fault because I chose to take the smack to the face the wrong way.”

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THE BROTHERHOOD

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Code of Silence

When an officer is in trouble on the job or in trouble with his wife or girlfriend at home, he counts on his buddies to cover for him. He gives them a story that explains why he “had to do” whatever he did. Whether or not they personally condone his behavior, they may rationalize his behavior, saying he was stressed out, under a lot of pressure, or quite simply, that he’s only human. They repeat his version of the story and they stick to that version. They put themselves on the line with their fellow officer. Whether testifying in court or smoothing things out at home, the rules are simple for them:

  • Say as little as possible.
  • Answer only the question asked.
  • Don’t give details.
  • Deny all accusations.
  • Say “I don’t remember, I didn’t see that, or I don’t know.”

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Seattle cops get free ride on domestic violence

“Cops who abuse their wives rarely pay the price.”

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Officer-Involved Domestic Violence

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How to Combat Officer-Involved Domestic Violence

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What can a woman do when her abuser IS the police?

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Muncie steps up fight against domestic violence

“One of the complaints that we had always heard was, ‘Well, I don’t have anywhere to go. I can’t get out of the house. My kids are there,'” Arnold said. “Now you can run to a fire station — you can drive to a fire station — and you’re going to be safe, you’re going to be warm.”

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YAHOO NEWS: The American Police State is the ‘New Normal’ (even the MSM cannot deny it anymore)

YAHOO NEWS: The American Police State is the ‘New Normal’

YAHOO NEWS: The American Police State is the ‘New Normal’ (even the MSM cannot deny it anymore)

– See more at: http://szaboservices.blogspot.com/2011/06/yahoo-news-american-police-state-is-new.html#sthash.UxNKSEja.dpuf

brutal_american_policehttp://szaboservices.blogspot.com/2011/06/yahoo-news-american-police-state-is-new.html

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http://www.lanejudson.com/2_Domestic_violence_bill_now_law.htm

New Washington State Law mandates that each law enforcement agency in the state must have an officer-involved domestic violence policy

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We can spread the word far and wide about the anguish Crystal suffered. We can convey the message to those who are still suffering in silence that they are not alone. And we can help prevent this tragedy from ever happening again. That would be Crystal’s greatest legacy.”

http://www.lanejudson.com/

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Officer-Involved Domestic Fatalities – LaneJudson.com

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YAHOO NEWS: The American Police State is the ‘New Normal’ – See more at: http://szaboservices.blogspot.com/2011/06/yahoo-news-american-police-state-is-new.html#sthash.UxNKSEja.dpuf
YAHOO NEWS: The American Police State is the ‘New Normal’ – See more at: http://szaboservices.blogspot.com/2011/06/yahoo-news-american-police-state-is-new.html#sthash.UxNKSEja.dpuf

http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

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No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org. – 2014
All rights reserved.

………………………………………Read more here: http://www.thenewstribune.com/david-brame/#storylink=cpy
 
4 Comments

Posted by on April 16, 2014 in Sociopaths And Psycopaths

 

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WHEN ABUSERS STALK THEIR PREY

By Terry Loving

stalking 1

“Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.”    (1 Peter 5:8)

I had an experience with stalking years ago that unnerved me – but not in a frightening way. One day I noticed a non-abusive ex riding past my house. It isn’t uncommon for a driver to not notice the “dead end” sign at the beginning of the street I lived on. In this case however, he knew the street had no outlet, and therefore he had a specific purpose in mind. This particular day I was sitting by the window watching the squirrels chase one another – I noticed my ex driving by. He drove to the dead end, turned around and drove slowly back the other way.

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At another time I was shopping at my neighborhood supermarket, turned to place fruit in my cart – and there he was – just standing behind me watching. I was surprised, but not afraid because he wasn’t an abuser, just someone who decided on the wrong woman and had regrets – oh well. Anyway, we greeted one another and I noticed the lonely loaf of bread in his cart. I supposed this was his way of not drawing attention to himself – just another shopper.

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I was a bit curious though – he did not live in my neighborhood. And I am certain that he passed many stores on the way home that sold a loaf of bread. He briefly indicated that his marriage was not going well, but he never said that he made a mistake in his choosing. Later I figured that he had, for why stalk me – an ex, ride past my house, and follow me to the supermarket? Did he leave with the loaf of bread? I do not know. At our departure, my mind was racing, wondering how I missed signs that I was being stalked – especially when he confessed after I told him I saw him riding past my house – “It’s not the first time.” WOW! Talk about feeling weird at the thought of him following me around.

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I missed the signs because I was not expecting this type of behavior from him. More so, I did not know what type of vehicle he drove until the day I saw him driving by. We crossed paths at a later time and he was driving yet another vehicle. This is one of the ways that abusers stalk their victims. They somehow obtain different vehicles, sometimes borrowed, and follow their victims. I thank God this wasn’t a domestic abuse situation for I could have been killed or seriously hurt by an avenging mad man. It happens every day in America – we just don’t hear much about it.

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Young female looking through window blinds at night.(shallow depth of field)

So what is stalking? The following is a legal definition:

“A person who intentionally and repeatedly follows or harasses another person and who makes a credible threat, either expressed or implied, with the intent to place that person in reasonable fear of death or serious bodily harm is guilty of the crime of stalking. A person may be charged with aggravated stalking if they commit the crime of stalking while subject to a temporary restraining order, injunction against trespass, or similar order.”

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“Stalkers target public figures or celebrities, children, and sometimes even complete strangers. But, in most cases, a stalker is someone you know and with whom you have had a relationship. Criminal statutes which can be used in an effort to deter stalking include laws against harassment and assault, as well as a specific stalking law.”

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From state to state, stalking laws may vary; however, the essence of the act itself is standard across state lines. Stalking is intentional and intended to make your life miserable, cause harm or death. Many abused women feel safe once the abuser has left the home – but are they really? You change your locks, install a security system, get a vicious dog, perhaps buy a gun – do all that is necessary to protect yourself at home. But what happens when you go to work, church services, the dentist or the supermarket? Are you safe? Many abused persons are not.

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In many cases there are connections such as children, a marriage, property and other avenues abusers use to maintain control over your life. Shared friends and family often serve as information portals for abusers to keep abreast of the events in the life of the abused. When the abused makes the decision to leave abuse, as difficult as it may be, leaving shared friends often becomes necessary. Some friends may side with the abuser and feed him information that the abused shared in confidence.

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I highly recommend watching STALKED: SOMEONE’S WATCHING on Netflix, and on Youtube there is a three-part training video free to law enforcement inspired by the stalking death of Peggy Klinke. Ms. Klinke was stalked and murdered by her ex-boyfriend in January 2003. Originally designed for educating law enforcement, it is noted that the training video can be utilized by any organization or individuals.

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One of the stalking myths in domestic situations especially is the belief that ignoring the stalker will cause he or she to just go away – not so. In Peggy Klinke’s situation, her abuser Patrick Kennedy was relentless in pursuing Peggy hoping to win her back. He would call her cell phone every day, all day, and even showed up at her doorstep with flowers and an engagement ring. Peggy was through with emotional and verbal abuse – she got out of a bad relationship – but she had no peace.

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Manipulative and smooth talking abusers like Patrick do not handle rejection well. When he found out Peggy was in a new relationship he started harassing and threatening her new boyfriend. His desperation intensified to a new level which included setting fire to the new boyfriend’s house. It was never proved that Patrick was responsible, but the couple knew he was the guilty party. This was a major turning point in Peggy’s life. She moved to another state to put distance between her and her dangerous stalker while awaiting his trial date for felony stalking. Her extensive documentation was enough to obtain a charge against Patrick.

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It is a fact that abused women are in more danger when they leave their abusers. Friends and relatives often help the abusers locate the abused as depicted in the movie “What’s Love Got to Do with It? Ike Turner bought Tina Turner’s mother a house, and probably gave her many other financial benefits over the years. In turn, she felt obligated to tell Ike where Tina was so he could bring her and the children home. In other cases, friends and family may be frightened and threatened harm if they did not tell where the abused is hiding.

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Stalking 6

Patrick hired a private detective to find Peggy, and boarded a plane from New Mexico to California to find her, and killed her in a murder-suicide six days before his trial.  Unless an abused woman takes on a completely new identity, she can be easily found – especially with the technology available today. “Assembly Bill 978 – also known as “Peggy’s Law” – makes it misdemeanor for anyone targeted by a domestic-violence restraining order to try to locate the victim by hiring a private investigator, using a friend or relative or any other “third-party means.”

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Abusive stalkers go to extremes to maintain some sort of control over their victims. They are known to plant GPS systems in the vehicles of the abused, and hack their computers.

“Three years before her estranged husband killed her, Sandra Bentley told friends that her computer was doing things she did not want.”

“The cursor would highlight words by itself. It floated over them and even changed them spontaneously. Documents she created and saved disappeared from memory. Folders stored in one file were altered and saved somewhere else, Sandra’s friend Charma Meek said.”

“He had established a ghost on her computer.”

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What happened with Sandra’s computer is a form of “Gaslighing” – designed to make you feel that you are losing your mind. In this case however, this was another way her abusive husband kept tabs on her. Sandra left her abuser when she found out what her husband was doing behind her back. She wasn’t losing her mind after all. Unfortunately, leaving changed the game plan to murder. Sandra’s husband ran her down with his car in the Walmart parking lot where she worked. He then shot himself in the head – never a thought about their children.

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 “Used to be, if a spouse ran away in the night, it was quite a bit of work to find her,” said Aaron Hughes, a computer forensics expert based in Houston. “Now a lot of people have access to things that they never even thought about before.” GPS in cellphones, tracking devices hidden in vehicles and intercepted text messages sent to friends and relatives can help abusers find their victims.”

“Often, people are not aware that they are being electronically monitored, said Kristine Soule, a Tarrant County assistant district attorney.”

“Unless the abuser does something to let the victim know, the victim may not know,” Soule said.”

“That was the case with Sandra for a long time, friends say.”

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Now here’s a scary thought:

“People accept cellphones and other personal electronics as gifts from those they are dating without knowing what software is on those devices, she said.”

“Sometimes the gift is a Trojan horse, Villareal said.”

“Many times, they give you a phone for Christmas, and then they know your every move. He can see every phone call that’s made,” she said.

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Stalking extends the abuse once suffered at home, for the physical and emotional symptoms are the same. Stalking causes many sleepless nights, anxiety, vomiting, headaches, exhaustion, and fear. The uneasiness stems from fear of what the abuser may do because she left him. Many survive stalking from an abusive ex, and countless others do not.

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As noted by Criminal Psychologist Dr. Michelle Ward:

“Stalkers are not your average criminal. They are master manipulators. They understand that their stalking behavior usually amounts to “He said, she said” in the eyes of the law. A victim needs to prove a pattern of harassment that the stalker can’t refute. Until then, nothing can be done.”

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woman stressed

Those words are not comforting. Peggy documented “200 pages” of stalking incidents concerning Patrick, but she never got the chance to present the evidence in court. At least she did what she could do to hopefully end the madness. If he had not killed her, perhaps he would have served jail time. But what happens when abusive stalkers are set free? Would the abused still have to look over their shoulders? Would the abuser’s anger intensify because they were incarcerated?

Dr. Ward also said this about Patrick:

“He’s really trying to stop it. Patrick is obviously torturing Peggy, but he too is being tortured. He’s being tortured by his own sick mind. He’s just really trying to stop it one way or another. Whether he hurts himself or he hurts her, he just wants it to end.”

Patrick ended both their lives.

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RED FLAG

Patrick rushed Peggy into a relationship, and they moved in together shortly after. She was in a state far from family and friends, and she did not have a support system. Once Patrick had her where he wanted her, he started with the emotional and verbal abuse. He began to tear Peggy down in order to establish power and control – and to feel good about himself. Patrick most likely suffered from self-esteem issues according to Dr. Ward, and he built himself up through the abuse. Leaving him was not an option. Patrick exhibited the cruel and evil mentality of abusers that kill:

“If I can’t have her, no one else will.”

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When abusers stalk their prey, it is with the intent to do harm. Tell someone; involve others that can look out for you. Document, document, document – even though this may not have helped others, it may help you. Don’t keep abuse a secret, it may cost you your life. Take your time getting to know a potential mate. Beware of men who come across as the most charming, helpful, thoughtful, sweetest man you ever met – test the spirits.

Peggy was killed six days before Patrick was to stand trial for felony stalking. Her documentation gave the authorities the ammunition they needed to bring charges.

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Every domestic violence case should be looked at as a potential stalking case.
When dating Peggy Klinke, Patrick Kennedy had shown the kind of aggressive, controlling behavior that is typical of stalkers. Years of study show that there are common signs before a violent attack, a hostage situation, a murder. And stalking is at the top of that list of signs.”

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Psalm 35:1

“Of David. Contend, LORD, with those who contend with me; fight against those who fight against me.”

Romans 8:35
“Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?”

Romans 2:9

“There will be trouble and distress for every human being who does evil: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile;”

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Proverbs 6:12-15

“A troublemaker and a villain, who goes about with a corrupt mouth,

who winks maliciously with his eye, signals with his feet

and motions with his fingers, who plots evil with deceit in his heart—

he always stirs up conflict. Therefore disaster will overtake him in an instant;

he will suddenly be destroyed—without remedy.”

NSAM………………………………………..

Proverbs 6:16-19

There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him:

haughty eyes,

a lying tongue,

hands that shed innocent blood,

a heart that devises wicked schemes,

feet that are quick to rush into evil,

a false witness who pours out lies

and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.

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How to Protect Yourself From A Stalker

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Female Stalkers, Part 1: What is Stalking and Can Men Be Stalked by Women?

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Computers and Cellphones are Another Way Many Abusers Stalk Their Victims, Experts Say

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Are You Being Stalked? 19 Ways to Protect Yourself From a Stalker

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How to prevent or defend against online stalking

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Stalking Goes High Tech (and How to Protect Yourself)

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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND COHABITATION

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Prayer-Request2Please click on picture to submit a prayer request.

http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org. – 2013
All rights reserved.

 
4 Comments

Posted by on June 12, 2013 in LEAVING ABUSE

 

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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE – THE DEATH OF A CHILD

By Terry Loving

child-in-coffinTrain up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6

“Then said he unto the disciples, It is impossible but that offences will come: but woe unto him, through whom they come! It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.” Luke 17:1-2

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In homes where domestic violence occurs, fear, instability, and confusion replace the love, comfort, and nurturing children need. These children live in constant fear of physical harm from the person who is supposed to care for and protect them. They may feel guilt at loving the abuser or blame themselves for causing the violence. “Domestic Violence, Understanding a Community Problem,” National Woman Abuse Prevention Fund.”

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PLEASE NOTE: No matter what – abusers are still responsible for their violence and abuse.

I post a lot about the abuse of women, and I have also written about the not so exposed fact that men can and do suffer domestic abuse – yes, it happens. I would like to spend time talking about the children that live in violent homes, the “silent witnesses” to the evil tyranny that destroys many innocent lives.

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 We know that children die in violent homes – fathers, boyfriends, mothers, girlfriends, family members, friends – all at some point have caused the death of a child during a domestic violence incident. Domestic-suicides are on the rise, and sadly children are killed just because they are in the home – no other reason – they are innocent, but often found guilty by association. I personally know of a sweet 9-year old boy who was murdered along with his mother by her live-in boyfriend. The child was watching cartoons, and had done nothing wrong. His mother’s abuser called him “a momma’s boy.”

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Today, I want to focus on the death of children that are still living. Some label what happens to abused children as a “death of the spirit,” and rightly so. Even though the child who constantly witnesses violence and perhaps suffers abuse directly is growing up physically, their inner core – their innocent free spirit is murdered, and they spend their entire lives trying to unsuccessfully resurrect the dead child. They spend their lives in confusion and pain – left unto themselves to put the pieces of their shattered souls together to make sense of what they endured.

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One of the reasons that I held off writing this post, is the fact that I cannot speak for the children without disclosing my own painful experiences – they have shaped my life – and not in many positive ways. Not only are my experiences traumatic, but they are embarrassing, humiliating, sinful, evil, shameful and have caused relationship confusion over the course of my life.

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Perhaps much of the same scenario is within abusive homes without the presence of alcohol or drugs – from my standpoint however, I can only speak about a home filled with alcoholism and violence. My two brothers and I suffered in many ways – for me – unspeakable horror.

Disciplining Children through Beating

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For the women who are desperately trying to leave abuse, I commend you and please do not take offense to what I have written. Many of you are not alcoholics, poor, uneducated and selfish – my mother was all of these and more.It is my belief that if we are going to expose the horrors of domestic violence and abuse, we have to cover all areas. This evil comes in many forms and the perpetrators can be male or female.

I do not look down on my mother because of her lack of education and her constant poverty – but know this, alcoholism creates and exasperates poverty in many cases. I say my mother was “selfish” because she had many options to leave abuse, get help for her alcoholism, place her children in safe care, but she chose none of these options when presented. Alcoholism is an extremely selfish “disease” as it has been labeled. The Bible does not see this lifestyle as a “disease.”

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Proverbs 20:1 “Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise.”

Isaiah 5:11 “Woe to those who rise early in the morning to run after their drinks, who stay up late at night till they are inflamed with wine.”

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Children immersed in a culture of violence become insecure and lack an inner conscience that holds respect for others. They are easily discouraged and have low self-esteem. They live without hope. From such a life comes confusion, hostility and violence.” Roger Toogood, ASW/ACSW Executive Director, Children’s Home Society of Minnesota

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 CHILD_ABUSE_by_COR_IESU

There are many abused women who suffer abuse at the hands of one man for years. And there are others who continually find themselves in one abusive relationship after another – this is the case with my mother. She was not married to either of her abusers, and separated from my father whom she was married to. I never heard of my father abusing her, however, he had an alcohol problem as well. He left my two brothers and me when I was 3-years old.

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As an adult, I cannot understand why she allowed herself to be treated so badly. Out of all of her siblings, she was the only one that I know of beaten by violent men. Many of the men in our generation were alcoholics, and only one uncle was violent when he drank his poison of choice. I never heard of my mother being mistreated as a child, although her father left when she was young as well. I tried to connect the dots, but she is the only one who lived this way constantly.

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“Approximately one third of the men counseled for battering are professional men who are well respected in their jobs and in their communities. These have included doctors, physiologists, lawyers, ministers and business executives.” David Adams, “Identifying the Assaultive Husband in Court: You Be the Judge.” Boston Bar Journal, July/August, 1989.

 drunk-women

 Many times my brothers and I were hungry. I can remember going to bed hungry, getting up hoping there was breakfast at least, and going to school on the same empty stomach that I went to sleep on the previous night. There was no shortage of alcohol, only food. I can still see myself getting off the school bus with fingers crossed that there would be food at home – sometimes there was, and many times not. This is one of the atrocities of domestic violence and alcoholism.

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The wars at home are forever pressed in my mind. I can still see and hear that little girl screaming, “LEAVE MY MOMMY ALONE!” I can still hear the sounds of glass breaking, body slamming, screaming, and see ever still the sight of blood. I was in my thirties when I stopped having nightmares, and at the age of 61, I still have flashbacks and painful memories that haunt me and they will never go away.

foodad_hungrgychildren

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My brothers grew up and learned to abuse their wives. My oldest brother’s wife left him, and he abused a girlfriend that took his life. He was an alcoholic as well. Our home was a haven for anyone, young or old who desired to drink, smoke cigarettes and party. My other brother became a Christian and ceased to abuse his wife, they are still together – he refused to bail like my father did. I cannot say much more about him for he is still alive.

 

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Children often times rely on the abusers for food and shelter, but secretly wish they would disappear or die. I hated to see my mother’s abusers come home, and yet – I was glad to see any signs of hope that we would eat. If the abuser decided to stay away, especially when he got paid and my mother did not have money, we starved. During bouts of hunger I learned false pride. I had one or two friends then, and when I was offered food at their home I would kindly say, “I’m OK.” They knew I was hungry but they did not press the issue if I refused.

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We constantly moved due to evictions of non-payment of rent. We moved so much our family members called us “Gypsies.” I never understood that as a child. In the 60’s and 70’s, the Constable would plaster a bright orange eviction notice on the brick wall outside of the house. Everyone that passed by knew we were being kicked out. Often times we would have to bathe in cold water, and wash clothes in the bathtub. When the water went cold, and the food was scarce trouble was on the horizon.

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eviction

I was molested in the first or second grade – I cannot remember which. My mother had a job at the time, and she trusted one of her boyfriends to watch me because I was home from school with a cold. The memory is so vivid that I can still see the teddy bears on my pajamas. This was my first introduction to the male anatomy. I never told my mother because the devil threatened to “kill her.” Of course I believed him – why not – he beat her bloody, why not kill her too?

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Worst of all, my own mother betrayed me for alcohol. She got drunk with no money, and I paid the price. I wrote the details in my book – one that I have been too ashamed to publish – but asking God to give me strength if it will help someone else.

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I was always ashamed to bring friends home, which is why I had one or two. I would mostly go to visit at their home. I hated for anyone to see my mother drunk and I was very embarrassed. Our home was embarrassing as well – it looked like a war zone, and very dismal.

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HEALTH Alcohol 074058

I have given you the short version of some of the things I suffered as a child. I can tell you straight up, children witnessing domestic violence will kill the child that was meant to laugh and play like children should. I was never a child. I had to cook, clean, take care of the home and an alcoholic mother. I do not have fun child-hood memories that children should have. I mostly remember wars, betrayal and things I will take to my grave.

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 “Survivors of domestic violence face high rates of depression, sleep disturbances, anxiety, flashbacks, and other emotional distress.”  http://www.safehorizon.org/index/what-we-do-2/domestic-violence–abuse-53/domestic-violence-the-facts-195.html

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All of the above is true – survivors carry a ton of weight and the “flashbacks” never cease. I can watch a movie, read a book, work my ministry and my mind will click with another horrible memory. The sad part is, I struggle with my feelings towards my mother. The Bible admonishes us to forgive so that we ourselves can be forgiven. The problem is this, I will remember something, get angry, cry, and forgive – but the cycle continues to a point that I despise her over and over again. We did not have to go through her messed up life. She was selfish, and claimed to love her children, but she did not. Again, if you do not fit into this category please do not take my pain personally. Do all you can to not allow your own children to suffer and repeat the cycle of domestic violence and abuse.

depression

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I saved the statistics until last because I needed to make this post more personal. I have adult friends that have suffered and shared, but others who act like they were not affected – I do not believe that.

Another thing that bothers me is this – when children grow up under these circumstances, family members especially, neighbors and sometimes friends never consider the source. They will say things like, “Don’t let your daughter hang out with her,” or “He was a mean little boy.” They never say, “Man, they sure messed those kids up!” Domestic violence and abuse will kill your children literally and spiritually. Get out if you can!

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Save your children! You owe them that much and more. If not, they will pass on family dysfunction to the next generation. Every area of their lives will be affected, trust me – I know.

Don’t let your children die!

Ignoring the consequences of exposure to violence on children can negatively impact their cognitive development as well as their emotional and physical health (Edleson, 1999). Complicating these risks and negative impacts is the fact that these children are at higher risk for child maltreatment, with estimates indicating that as many as 70% of children exposed to domestic violence are also victims of child maltreatment (Fantuzzo & Mohr, (1999)

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COMMENT ON VIDEO

“I grew up in a home where I would have to fight my father to allow my mother to get away. There were times where I had to get my bb gun at 11-12 years old and aim at my father just to get his attention. The fights my parents had were bad, they dealt a damage to one another all the time but my dad had the advantage. Idk.. stuff like this just never leaves. Theres not a day that goes by where I dont stop thinking about it and this is 6-7 years later. No child should grow up in a home with violence.

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COMMENT ON VIDEO

“Some parents shouldn’t be parents at all. I was abused by a borderline personality disorder (look up the movie Mommie Dearest) mother and a father that enabled her behavior and many times participated in the humiliation, beatings, lies along with physical and mental abuse. My sisters and I suffer in our adulthood and we’ll continue suffering until the day we die. This type of pain never goes away.”

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COMMENT ON VIDEO

“i think i suffer a different degree of PTSD. Domestic verbal abuse and parents would argue all the time. But after all of that stopped my mother dies in a car accident. I still remember the day, songs i heard, games i played, book i read, and the warrant officer who told me the bad news. PTSD is hell in your brain. I cant socialize, have fun, and be an amusing human like i used to. it’s like half of your soul dies. time can heal it as it’s doing for me. but there will always be a scar.”

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5 Ways Domestic Violence Causes Harm to Children

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“Children may exhibit emotional problems, cry excessively, or be withdrawn or shy. Children may have difficulty making friends or have fear of adults. Children may suffer from depression and excessive absences from school. Children may use violence for solving problems at school and home. Children may be at greater risk of being a runaway, being suicidal, or committing criminal acts as juveniles and adults. Children who are experiencing stress may show it in different ways, including difficulty in sleeping, bedwetting, over-achieving, behavior problems, withdrawing, stomach aches, headaches and/or diarrhea.”

“Children who grow up in violent homes have much higher risks of becoming drug or alcohol abusers or being involved in abusive relationships, as a batterer or a victim. Children do not have to be abused themselves in order to be impacted by violence in the home.”    http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/effects.htm

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Parenting after Separating from Your Abusive Ex — by Dr George Simon Jr

“Remember that you have no power over the nature and quality of the relationship your children will have with your ex. And it’s extremely counterproductive to carry out a covert war against your abusive ex through your children. It will only demonize you in their eyes and invite them to over-idealize their character-deficient other parent. Instead, focus intently on the nature of your own relationship with them.”

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Effects of Domestic Violence on Children

“It was reported in 1992 that 63% of children between the ages of 11 and 20 who were in prison, were there because they killed their mother’s batterer.”

“Do statistics like this startle you? Do they make you think about the kind of situation the child must have been in to even think of murder as a solution? Sadly more children than you might think live in homes where domestic violence occurs on a regular basis.”

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Child Protection in Families Experiencing Domestic Violence

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PTSD in Children and Adolescents

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Post-traumatic Stress in Children and Adolescents Exposed to Family Violence: I. Overview and Issues

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Women, Domestic Violence, and Posttraumatic Stress

Disorder (PTSD)*

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Child murder by mothers: patterns and prevention

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RISKS POSED TO CHILDREN FROM VIOLENT HOMES

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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND ALCOHOL

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THE THINGS WE DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT

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Domestic Violence: A Power Struggle With Lasting Consequences

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http://emily.last-memories.com/

“Child Abuse is real. It’s not something in fairy tales, or songs. It happens every day. Children cannot fight the real life monsters in their life, it’s our job as human beings with hearts to do it for them. We have to stop being silent and covering up. We must take a stand. We must continue the fight to stop child abuse. It’s too late to change what happened to Emily but let her story be a reminder to you, that we have to put an end to child abuse. For Emily, for the future of our children.”

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Alcohol is one of Satan’s tools of destruction. The book of Wisdom warns of becoming partakers and shows the results:

“Who has woe? Who has sorrow?
Who has contentions? Who has complaining?
Who has wounds without cause?
Who has redness of eyes?
Those who linger long over wine,
Those who go to taste mixed wine.
Do not look on the wine when it is red,
When it sparkles in the cup,
When it goes down smoothly;
At last it bites like a serpent
And stings like a viper.
Your eyes will see strange things
And your mind will utter perverse things,
And you will be like one who lies down in the middle of
the sea,
Or one who lies down on top of a mast.
They struck me, but I did not become ill;
They beat me, but I did not know it.
When shall I awake?
I will seek another drink.”

(Proverbs 23:29-35)

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“Child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime.”
– Herbert Ward

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bastard out of carolina

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com

“This fine but shocking drama (which Ted Turner paid for and then refused to show on his cable outfits), based on the novel by Dorothy Allison, concerns extensive abuse endured by a girl (Jena Malone) at the hands of her stepfather (Ron Eldard), while her mother (Jennifer Jason Leigh) looks the other way. Anjelica Huston made her directorial debut with this film and demonstrates that talent also runs in the family when behind the camera. Difficult to watch but mitigated by Huston’s intelligent approach and sense of balance–as well as outstanding performances–this is a significant film best left to the most mature audiences. –Tom Keogh”

What’s more, Bone’s mother has to choose between her daughter and the man she loves.

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009-2013
All rights reserved.

 
8 Comments

Posted by on April 29, 2013 in PROTECTING CHILDREN FROM ABUSE

 

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THE BULLY IN YOUR BED

By Terry Loving

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

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THE BULLY PROJECT is a much needed endeavor to shed light on bullying amongst young people.  Numerous children suffer in silence for they are ashamed to tell anyone what is happening to them at school, on the playground, and in various social settings.

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While reading the information on The Bully Project’s website, it stood out that the dynamics of bullying are closely related to domestic abuse. There are slight variations such as children verses adults, and home verses school settings. However, the characteristics of the bully and abuser are very similar, and exact in many cases. The same goes for the victims of bullies; they closely mirror victims of domestic abuse, in character and suffering.

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I conclude therefore, the same bullies on the playground may grow up to terrorize their wives, girlfriends, and other companions. Their children may be on the receiving end of a child bully now fully grown, possessing the same hatefulness that slammed an innocent child’s head in a locker when he was 10-years old.

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One of the project’s goal is to have “Parents play a vital role in supporting their kids, promoting upstander rather than bystander behavior, and teaching and modeling empathy in the home.” The latter part is where bullying begins, “in the home.” If Johnny sees a father or boyfriend beating his mother constantly, he more than likely will mimic the behavior. Not all children who witness domestic abuse will become violent abusers. However, they will be affected negatively in some way just the same.

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Many abused women sleep beside a bully every night – “a tormentor, oppressor, aggressor, persecutor, tyrant, and intimidator.” The actions in the home are no different than what bullies exhibit in the classroom and other public places. School yard bullies “intimidate, terrorize, persecute, torment, frighten, oppress, browbeat, and harass.” Could we not say the same about domestic abusers?

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According to The Bully Project, the definition of “bully” “varies” – but most people agree that bullying amounts to:

  1. AN IMBALANCE OF POWER: people who bully use their power to control or harm and the people being bullied may have a hard time defending themselves.
  2. INTENT TO CAUSE HARM: actions done by accident are not bullying; the person bullying has a goal to cause harm.
  3. REPETITION: incidents of bullying happen to the same person over and over by the same person or group.

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Now, can you honestly read the above and conclude that domestic abusers are not BULLIES? ABUSERS ARE BULLIES! Many adult bullies were once playground bullies. I will say it again, ABUSERS ARE BULLIES! Even the types of bullying listed fit the motive operandi of domestic abusers:

  1. VERBAL: name calling and teasing
  2. SOCIAL: spreading rumors, leaving people out on purpose, break up friendships.
  3. PHYSICAL: hitting, punching, and shoving.
  4. CYBERBULLYING: using the Internet, mobile phones, or other digital technologies to harm others.

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One of the quotes on their site from “Kelby” states:

“You can always count on something happening when you’re walking down the hall at school…”

In domestic violence situations, the abused “can always count on something happening” as well. The “honeymoon stage” is not a reliable predictor of the imminent violence, however, there is usually calm before a storm.

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In addition, “Bullying often does not happen in an isolated context, with a single tormentor and victim.” This is the opposite view of domestic abuse. The abused usually have a “single tormentor” and most always are the “victim.” There may be exceptions where different cultures and families side with the abusers, and gang up on the abused – physically and mentally. But the norm is the abused are “isolated” from support and live with a bully in secret. Another similarity is, “… the person being bullied does not know how or does not have the power to make it stop.” The abused seek answers to this dilemma every day through prayer, Internet research, talking to trusted confidants and the like.

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Bullying causes many young people to become depressed and withdrawn. We hear stories all the time about the bullied teen that committed suicide. What we do not hear often is the number of abused persons who kill themselves for they see no other way out of domestic terrorism. The Bully Project also states that “Over 13 million American kids will be bullied this year…” Domestic abuse is a worldwide epidemic!

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Lastly, “empathy” is mentioned as a key ingredient to ending bullying. This can also be said for domestic violence. When we learn to treat others with understanding, compassion, and caring about the feelings of another, then and only then will we see progress. If children witness hatred, abuse and violence in their homes, how can they know to treat others with kindness? Another reason why some kids are so angry is the fact that they are abused themselves.

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Ephesians 6:4 teaches – “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” Many children grow up in hellish environments with an abusive caregiver short circuiting their development with abuse. The helplessness they feel is often transferred to their peers or siblings. The little abusers often grow up to be big abusers – weighing more, taller, more powerful – and capable of much more damage to others.

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Barnes’ Notes on the Bible

“And ye fathers – A command addressed particularly to “fathers,” because they are at the head of the family, and its government is especially committed to them. The object of the apostle here is, to show parents that their commands should be such that they can be easily obeyed, or such as are entirely reasonable and proper. If children are required to “obey,” it is but reasonable that the commands of the parent should be such that they can be obeyed, or such that the child shall not be discouraged in his attempt to obey.”

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“Provoke not your children to wrath – That is, by unreasonable commands; by needless severity; by the manifestation of anger. So govern them, and so punish them – if punishment is necessary – that they shall not lose their confidence in you, but shall love you. The apostle here has hit on the very danger to which parents are most exposed in the government of their children. It is that of souring their temper; of making them feel that the parent is under the influence of anger, and that it is right for them to be so too. This is done:

(1) when the commands of a parent are unreasonable and severe. The spirit of a child then becomes irritated, and he is “discouraged;” Colossians 3:21.

(2) when a parent is evidently “excited” when he punishes a child. The child then feels:

(a) that if his “father” is angry, it is not wrong for him to be angry; and,

(b) the very fact of anger in a parent kindles anger in his bosom – just as it does when two men are contending.”

The opposite is permissive parenting. There are parents who see no wrong in much of anything their child does. Therefore, if there are no consequences at home, a bully will not expect them elsewhere.

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Proverbs 19:18 “Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.”

Proverbs 22:15 “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.”

Proverbs 23:13 “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.”

Proverbs 23:14 “Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.”

Proverbs 29:15 “The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.”

NOTE: The above scriptures are not referring to physical abuse – beatings with ironing cords, sticks, bats, or any type of abusive corrections.

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The bully that sleeps beside you at night may have been angered and hurt by a parent or caregiver. Or, he or she has lived a life of entitlement, and therefore expects everyone to bow to their every whim. Yes, children are influenced by society – peer pressure, movies, television, and a host of other inventions of the devil. However, it is within our homes that we breed little terrorist who become tomorrow’s abusers.

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The only way parents are going to promote “empathy” in the home is with the Word of God.

American King James Version
“All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:”

The Bully Project is a wonderful idea. Surely it will take a village for “bystanders” to become “upstanders.” However without changed hearts, and walking in a new direction – spiritually – this and many other efforts to cease violence within our society may prove to be in vain. I am not putting their efforts down, but I am emphasizing the teaching of God’s Word in our homes and our church environments. Our heavenly Father is no longer welcome in our schools; therefore Christian parents especially are responsible for the spiritual wellbeing of their children.

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We have a whole generation of young people lost and out of control. It seems like people are making babies, and leaving them to fend for themselves. The “village” is gone; Christian parenting is falling by the wayside; the sensuality of the world has captured the hearts and minds of our young; the devil is killing kids with drugs and alcohol; teen pregnancy is now a badge of honor; domestic violence is warping young minds and short circuiting their God given potential – and our churches for the most part preach prosperity to a dying world – why?

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The next time you watch the bully in your bed slumber, remember that it is not your fault that he or she is the way they are. Someone failed them somewhere along the line, and it was not you. The mold was set, the die cast long before your paths crossed. Your bully could have been a terror on the playground, threw chairs in kindergarten, or broke his little sister’s arm – but he is still without excuse for what he does to you. The bully in your bed is responsible for his actions – and no one else. YOU  the abused – CANNOT “FIX” A BULLY!

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Many children grow up with violence and abuse, but they choose not to do unto others what has been done to them. Violence is a choice – from the bully on the playground to the bully in your life. ABUSERS ARE BULLIES! Make no mistake about it. Get help – get free.

Peace.

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Video Of Bully Victim Casey Heynes Bodyslamming His Bully

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Study: Schoolyard Bullies Four Times More Likely to Abuse Spouses as Adults

“Research does indicate that in many cases, the bullies are getting their behavior from somewhere. They have witnessed like behavior,” said Warner. “One of the biggest risk factors is their environment.”

“The study also found a link between “bullying others at school and perpetration of IPV (intimate partner violence].”

“It was the latest study to indicate that many bullies do not outgrow their aggression. Past research has shown that bullies are at a higher risk of bullying their own kids, losing a job, and getting involved in the criminal justice system.”

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Bullies face prosecution in domestic violence crackdown

“Men who bully or abuse their partners in a “controlling” fashion could face criminal charges under a shake-up of domestic violence laws being planned by ministers.”

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Violence in the Family by Deborah Carpenter with Christopher J. Ferguson, Ph.D.

…”what if what the little girl sees is mommy yelling at the bank teller, insulting the grocery clerk, and badmouthing the other moms in the playgroup? And what if the young boy sees his father berating his mother, insulting the dinner she’s made, and tossing his fork across the room after he pronounces the evening meal disgusting and inedible? What if these kids witness more severe forms of domestic violence? What then?”

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Bullying is Domestic Violence At Work

The abuser is on the payroll!

“In 98% of domestic violence cases, the perpetrator is the man. In bullying, the majority of abusers, 62%, are male; women are famously perpetrators, too. So, regardless of gender, the bully-abuser dehumanizes her or his prey. She can have such contempt for the target that she refuses to grant even the minimal respect due to a fellow human being. Dehumanization enables the severe mistreatment. When the recipient is not seen as an equal, it is easy to denigrate, belittle and humiliate. The target is a lesser-than object not deserving decent treatment.”

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Domestic Violence and the Holocaust — 10 Similarities

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Movie Review: Bully – Uncovering The Desperate Cries For Help

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How does a Child become a Bully?

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Police handcuff Ga. kindergartner for tantrum

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stopbullying.gov

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THE BULLY ROUNDUP

“Bullies aren’t all big and muscle-y. Bullies come in all shapes and sizes — and it’s not like you can tell who they are by what they look like. You can only tell a bully by their actions — they make themselves feel powerful by threatening, embarrassing, or hurting others. If you have ever been around a bully or been picked on by a bully, you know how hurtful they can be. But, there are things you can do to stay out of a bully’s way.”

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BULLYING AMONG GIRLS

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The ABCs of Bullying
Addressing, Blocking, and Curbing School Aggression

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Bullying in America’s schools

(This link has many videos to view on bullying)

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Domestic Violence class for Bullies

“Bullies in school who bully other children are guilty of domestic abuse.”

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NJ bully’s paralyzing punch nets $4.2M settlement

“Sawyer was punched in the abdomen at school on May 16, 2006, dropping him to his knees. When he came home that day he complained of pain in his back but otherwise felt fine, his father, Joel Rosenstein, told The Record of Woodland Park.

Two days later, the seventh-grader let out a scream in his bedroom.

“We picked him up and called an ambulance,” the father told the newspaper. “He hasn’t walked since.”

The blow had caused a clot in a major artery that supplies blood to his spine, leaving him paralyzed from the waist down from what his attorney described as an “incredibly rare” injury.

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“This action-packed family film stars Steve Austin as Dan Barnes, a former pro boxer who retired after growing weary of his violent existence. Now a school janitor, Dan tries to help a new student, Matthew Miller (Daniel Magder), who is being targeted by bullies. While Matthew learns how to box and stand up to his tormenters, one of whom is the school boxing champ, Dan’s newfound role as a teacher helps him come to terms with his tumultuous past.”     http://movies.netflix.com/movie/Knockout/70170176

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‘Bye dad’: Last words of boy who was bullied at school for months before he leapt off motorway bridge

By Daily Mail Reporter
UPDATED:03:24 EST, 21 May 2010

“A quiet, studious and sensitive youngster, despite being an ‘exemplary’ pupil, school prefect and destined to study computing and business at university, the youngster told his father the school had ‘ruined my life’ then ran to a bridge over the M6 motorway and leapt over the side.”

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Can a Kid Be a Psychopath?

“I’ve always said that Michael will grow up to be either a Nobel Prize winner or a serial killer,” his mother, Anne, tells Jennifer Kahn in a recent shocking New York Times Magazine article. At age 9, her son has an extreme temper, lashing out violently and deliberately and showing no empathy or remorse. He’s intelligent, cold, calculating, and explosive. “It takes a toll,” she says, explaining her comment. “There’s not a lot of joy and happiness in raising Michael.”

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Some healing for woman bullied as a teen

“A woman who was bullied mercilessly in high school 25 years ago has gotten some closure from a class reunion page on Facebook.”

“Lynda Frederick, a graduate of Orange Glen High in Escondido, Calif., in 1987, posted a heartbreaking poem about her experience on her school’s 25th class reunion page.”

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Florida Mom Arrested for Choking 14-Year-Old Bully Offers Advice to Parents

“They have all these anti-bully laws but, when it comes down to it, it falls on deaf ears.”

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http://spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 20092012
All rights reserved.

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1 Comment

Posted by on April 15, 2012 in VIOLENCE AMONG US

 

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“Is It Possible To Not Be An Abuser If You Hit Once?”

By Terry Loving

Titus 2:6  “Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled.”

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Psalm 37:8 “Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret–it leads only to evil.”

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Clarke’s Commentary on the Bible

“Husbands, love your wives. Be not bitter against them – Wherever bitterness is, there love is wanting. And where love is wanting in the married life, there is hell upon earth.”

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The title of this post is a search term used to reach my site. It is a very good question, and I will try to tackle it in an honest and Biblical manner. You only hit her once, and now you wonder if that makes you an abuser. Well, first of all, we will define the words “abuse” and “abuser” to answer this question.

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Abuse

2. to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way:

3. to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about; revile; malign.

4. to commit sexual assault upon. 1

a·buser n.

Synonyms: abuse, misuse, mistreat, ill-treat, maltreat
These verbs mean to treat wrongfully or harmfully. Abuse applies to injurious or improper treatment:

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Noun1.abuser – someone who abuses

maltreater, offender, wrongdoer – a person who transgresses moral or civil law 2

 maltreat  (mælˈtriːt)   — vb ( tr ) to treat badly, cruelly, or inconsiderately  3

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Think about this for a moment. If you are sick and your doctor prescribes medication, and you take it only as directed, you are not abusing your meds. However, if you take more than prescribed, and decide to use the drugs as a means of getting high instead of getting well – you are abusing your prescription medication – especially if you drink alcohol to enhance the high.

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What you are doing in this case is going beyond the boundaries of what is prescribed. The boundaries are there for your protection, and your well-being. The operative word here is “boundaries.” When you physically assault someone – even if it is the first time – you have trespassed “boundaries.” The abused may or may not have expressed “boundaries” early in the relationship such as, no hitting, no cheating, no neglect and the like. However, even unspoken “boundaries” can be trespassed by way of human mistreatment – that is frowned upon by our supposed civilized society.

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 In light of the above definitions, ask yourself if you treated someone in a “harmful, injurious, or offensive way.” Did you “speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about” this person? Did you “commit sexual assault upon?” Did you “revile” (berate, insult) or “malign” (do evil) to someone who did not deserve such treatment? If you are an honest person, by now you should have the answer to the question as to whether or not you abused someone.

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Most abusers are noted for habitual mistreatment of others, and over time their injustice increases. Most abusers will not submit to therapy, God or repent for their evil deeds. Most abusers feel justified in their anger, and view their mates especially as their “property” – to treat them as they see fit. Most abusers falsely believe that God gave them the authoritative right to treat their mates with harshness, if they don’t “do what they are told.” Which are you?

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Hitting someone in anger is never justified. You stumbled, but still chose to use violence as a means of settling a dispute. Whether you will be known as an abuser, or someone who made a terrible mistake is up to you. If you fail to practice self-control, and neglect seeking the cause of your anger – and dealing with it effectively – then yes, you will become a habitual abuser. You can stop it now, or you can allow Satan to convince you that you are justified in your actions, and continue to hurt the one you claim to love.

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Whether you will be known as an abuser, live a life as an abuser – is totally a decision you will have to make – starting right now! If you hit someone once – that is not a good thing – and you can seek help before you ruin lives – including your own. Every human being possesses the ability to become angry, it is how you handle anger that makes the difference. Some things are not worth getting angry over, and it is never cool to hit.

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So, “Is it possible to not be an abuser if you hit once?” It is possible to not continue living this way. However, you did abuse someone, and you must own that. People tend to think that if you did not bloody a nose, break bones, or black eyes – you did not abuse. Wrong! Abuse is exhibited in many forms including verbal, economic, spiritual and emotional. You abused someone, even if you hit them only once. Repent to God, and the abused. Strive for self-control:

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2Peter 1:5-11

“Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For he who lacks these qualities is blind or short-sighted, having forgotten his purification from his former sins. Therefore, brethren, be all the more diligent to make certain about His calling and choosing you; for as long as you practice these things, you will never stumble; for in this way the entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will be abundantly supplied to you.”

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 If you need help, do not be afraid to seek it. Falling on your knees and repenting is the first step. Acknowledge your wrong-doing, and seek godly ways to never commit this sin again. Abusing others places you in the position of transgressing a moral law, as well as God’s law. Ask yourself this, do you want your legacy to be tainted with abuse of innocent persons? When you stand before God in the Judgment, how will you plead – innocent or guilty? What possible justifications will you offer your Creator?

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What excuses will you offer the abused? Remember this, abuse is a choice. Will you choose to stop it now, or continue on this destructive path? Is abusing someone the way you choose to get love, when you are actually destroying what your heart desires? No one loves an abuser, they are just afraid – and eventually will find a way to get away from you. Is this what you want? Only you, the one who hit once can make a character choice in the right direction. Only you are to blame for how you treat other human beings, made in the image of Almighty God. Only you can make the choice today to never hit again – what do you choose?

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Colossians 3:19 “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.”

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.”

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“A man of violence entices his neighbor And leads him in a way that is not good.”

Psalm 9:12 “For he who avenges blood remembers; he does not ignore the cry of the afflicted.”

New American Standard Bible (©1995)

“Do not sharply rebuke an older man, but rather appeal to him as a father, to the younger men as brothers, the older women as mothers, and the younger women as sisters, in all purity.”

Colossians 3:8 “But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.”

Jamieson-Fausset-Brown Bible Commentary

19. (Eph 5:22-33.)

…”be not bitter-ill-tempered and provoking. Many who are polite abroad, are rude and bitter at home because they are not afraid to be so there.”

Gill’s Exposition of the Entire Bible

Husbands, love your wives,…. See Gill on Ephesians 5:25.

“and be not bitter against them; turning love into hatred of their persons; ruling with rigour, and in a tyrannical manner; behaving towards them in a morose, churlish, and ill natured way; giving them either bitter words, or blows, and denying them their affection, care, provision, protection, and assistance, but using them as servants, or worse. All which is barbarous, brutish, and unchristian, and utterly unbecoming the Gospel.”

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I Said I Was Sorry

by Mark Gungor on October 5th, 2009

“I hear tales all the time of men who have done hurtful things—huge things like having an affair or smaller things like saying something very mean and spiteful—and then they say, “I’m sorry” and expect it all to go away. When it doesn’t these guys get upset and throw it back on their wives because his wife “can’t get over it”. It just doesn’t work that way for women. Men need to learn that pushing her to “move on” isn’t the answer. The answer is for you to own the problem that you created.”

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The Danger Assessment

The Danger Assessment helps to determine the level of danger an abused woman has of being killed by her intimate partner. It is free and available to the public. Using the Danger Assessment requires the weighted scoring and interpretation that is provided after completing the training. The Danger Assessment is available in a variety of languages.

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009-2012
All rights reserved.

 
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Posted by on December 21, 2011 in EXCUSES FOR VIOLENCE/ABUSE

 

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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND ABUSE SERMONS

By Terry Loving

Many abused persons pray in vain for their church leadership to speak out about domestic violence. Unfortunately, most ministers avoid the subject, and those who do – briefly – touch on it,  most times give wrong advice to the abused. I have yet to sit on a pew and breathe in a sermon concerning violence in the home – especially Christian homes. The one time I did hear a minister mention this evil, he quickly moved on to other business. He stated in anger, “A 200 pound man beating on a 100 pound woman is shameful – it ought not be.” And that was the end of it.

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 I came across a web site that has several “audio” sermons about domestic abuse. I found twenty-one sermons concerning this topic that you may be interested in. I will list the titles and descriptions and let them speak for themselves. As I discover more helpful sermons video or audio – I will post them. Please note: I am not personally endorsing any particular minister or institution. However, truth and helpful information is what I research.

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Sin of Abuse Exposed by the Light of Christ

 The nature of sin and in particular the deceptiveness of sin operates behind the scenes, in the darkness, undetected – just as the Bible warns us. How often have we read a news report of some person who just “went off” and committed some horrendous crime? Everything appears well in this family in a typical family in a typical suburban neighborhood. Then the father kills his whole family and then himself. Or he robs a bank, etc. People are shocked – they have been deceived. This man’s life has been a masquerade.

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Worship Me, or Else – The Abuser’s Command

 The abusive, controlling, power-craving person does not walk with humility. He is NOT characterized by gentleness or patience or forebearance, nor does he seek the unity of the Spirit.

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More Weapons in the Abuser’s Arsenal

 One aspect of sin is that it feeds on power and control. When things are going “well” in a relationship, the abuser’s control and power are really not very evident. There even appears to be a pleasant, co-equal relationship, and the abuser hates this. He then launches his surprise attack, at least in part to remind his victim and himself that HE is in control. Sin in its very nature is malevolent.

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Bow Down – The Abuser’s Command

 An abuser almost never does anything that he himself considers morally unacceptable. He may hide what he does because he thinks other people would disagree with it, but he feels justified inside.

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The Deception of the Abuser

The road we are on is evidenced by the fruit of our lives. Similarly, REAL REPENTANCE is evidenced by a radical change in the fruit our lives are producing because it necessarily and inevitably entails a change in our way!

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The Abuser Wants You to Make Much of Him

 The false teacher, the abusive man, hates the freedom we have in Christ. He introduces his own “gospel,” therefore, to shut us out from that freedom so that we can then be made his slaves. He becomes, you might say, our “priest” through whom we must go and whose dictates we must obey if we are to get set right with God.

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The Abuser and Satan’s Devices

Sin is darkness. Evil craves and thrives upon secrecy and hiddeness. The wicked man exerts great energy and elaborate devices to make sure most people only see his mask.

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Domestic Violence Awareness Embroidered Patch
(click on patch to see more)

The Deeds of the Flesh Evidenced in the Abuser

 Let’s illustrate the relationship sins from what we have learned so far about the abusive man – thereby helping us to see more clearly what these deeds of the flesh are that are opposed to the Spirit.

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The Abuser as a Servant of Righteousness

 “There is something in us, something in our sinful flesh, that is drawn to the powerful, to the controlling, to the abusing man. Deceived as to his true nature by his disguise, we seem to view him as someone to follow, someone who knows better than us what is good for us, someone who can even tell us what we are thinking and what our motives are.”

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                                                             The Abuser Provokes His Children to Wrath        

 Every father here no doubt must confess that far too many times we have been guilty of this very thing in regard to our children. Rather than instructing them and discipling them as the Lord instructs and disciplines us, we have exasperated and frustrated them to anger so that they despair of even trying to do right.

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 The Abuser Provokes His Children to Wrath – Pt 2

 Fathers do not provoke your children to anger. What are some things required in order to be a good parent to a child? What is this raising up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord? It is, of course, loving Christ ourselves and modeling that love of Christ to our children.

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 No Abuser is Hidden From His Sight

God sees us and knows us better than we know ourselves. NOTHING is hidden from Him. He knows the motives behind all that we do and say and He knows the heart of the abuser as well.

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Sinfulness of Sin Denied by the Abuser

 Sinner minimize their sin. They minimize the sinfulness of sin. They minimize the effects of sin. They minimize their own responsibility and culpability for their sin and the abuser blames it on others.

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Dealing With the Abuser

 Sanballat is a very good picture of the abusive, controlling, entitled man. You see his mindset. You see his tactics. Deception. Fear. Mockery. Slander of the victim to cause others to think the victim is the real problem.

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 Dealing With the Abuser – Part 2

 Every real Christian whose heart is set on following Christ faithfully IS going to meet the abuser – the Sanballats and the Tobiahs. Satan is there and he sends his emissaries…

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Dealing With the Abuser – First Deal With Yourself

 Before you can properly deal with your abuser’s sin, you must examine yourself. You must ask yourself such things as, ‘Why did I choose an abusive spouse/partner?’ ‘Why have I been putting up with his abuse?’ ‘How have I been enabling him in his abuse?’

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 Dealing With the Abuser – He is a Trespasser

 Just as locks and doors and property lines, proper manners and security clearances are all concerned with setting boundaries and providing proper means of granting selected people permission to cross those boundaries. Our lives are filled with boundaries against which we must not trespass. Boundaries are GOOD and necessary in a fallen world.

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The Abuser as Jezebel – Women as Abusers

 All through this series we have reminded ourselves that though we use ‘he’ as the pronoun for the abuser (since in the great majority of cases the abuser is the man in the marriage) nevertheless women are sinners as well and women can be abusers. If you have lived on this earth very long at all, you have no doubt met some. Jezebel was clearly an abusive, power-hungry, controlling woman who had a profound sense of entitlement and justification to use whatever means necessary to obtain the power and control she believed she was entitled to.

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 Abuse and the Doctrine of Headship and Submission

 Headship, as we will see in our examination of 1 Peter 3 and Ephesians 5, is not something that means a wife is bound to obey her husband’s every whim. The husband is to lead his wife “in the Lord,” and this does not mean that a wife is obligated to take abusive behavior as her lot.

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 Abuse and the Doctrine of Headship & Submission Pt 2

 In this study of themethods, mentality, deceptions and damage of the abusive man, certain elements of the Danvers Statement jump out at us. Headship and submission in marriage NEVER commands a person to “follow a human authority into sin.”

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 Abuse and Doctrine of Headship & Submission – Pt 3

 We have come to the last message in this series on Abuse and Domestic Violence which we have also called The Psychology of Sin, because in studying the mindset of the abusive person, we find ourselves gaining real insight into the very nature of sin.

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I applaud Pastor Jeff Crippen

Let us pray for more strong servants of our Lord to speak out about domestic abuse.

http://www.sermonaudio.com/main.asp

UPDATE: 10/29/11 – I have listened to several of Pastor Jeff Crippen’s sermons on abuse, and I highly recommend his teaching on this topic. I plan to listen to all of the sermons in this series. Finally! A preacher gets it.

Pastor Crippen’s blog

A CRY FOR JUSTICE

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A CRY FOR JUSTICE BOOK

Pastor Crippen and Anna Wood – THANK YOU!

http://cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com/

A Cry for Justice: How the Evil of Domestic Abuse Hides in Your Church

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Domestic violence sermon: Be safe and well. Peace. Joy. Courage.

“Welcome to America the brutal.”

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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE – Taking On The Dark Side (Dominic Smart)

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

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No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.

 
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Posted by on October 19, 2011 in Preaching The Pure Word Of God!

 

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WITNESSING ABUSE – WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

By Terry Loving

GOD’S WORD® Translation (©1995)
“Save [us] with your powerful hand, and answer us so that those who are dear to you may be rescued.”

If you saw someone being abused, would you help them?

The ABC television show “What Would You Do? – stages scenarios to record the reactions of people watching drama unfold. The unsuspecting witnesses to the scenes may or may not get involved. For those who choose to get involved in staged couples violence, what would cause them to do so?

Could it be that their convictions concerning violence against women stirs up courage to help the abused woman? In the case of a man being hit by a girlfriend, do most people feel that “he must have done something to deserve it? Therefore, they keep walking without a word – is this a case of violence bias?

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If a poll was taken concerning this subject, responses would vary – “Yes, I would get involved.” “In a heartbeat!” “Without a doubt.” “No, it is not my business.” “I would be afraid to get involved.”

In many instances, reluctance to get involved would stem from the appearance of the abuser. Meaning, if the abuser was tough looking, thuggish, or crazed, many people would not feel comfortable getting involved. Some may call the police once at a safe distance, and others would just talk about it with friends like they just saw a violent movie.

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What if the abused was not a stranger? What if you heard your neighbor being beaten, screaming for help behind closed doors? Would you knock on her door? Call the police? Or turn up the volume on your TV and pretend that all is well? How would you feel the next day seeing the abused battered and bruised? Would you feel guilty for not trying to help her in any way? Would you find a time when she is alone and have a chat with her – give her the Domestic Violence Hotline number? Would you wave to the abuser as you have always done – trying to not show your displeasure?

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If the abused is a family member – daughter, mother, son, father, sister, brother – any relation – what would you do? Would you step to the abuser and try to stop the violence? Would you try to get your loved one safely away from the abuse? And what if the abused does not feel comfortable in leaving at that time? What would you do?

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We can ponder these questions within our minds; however, what we would actually do remains to be seen. In many cultures, family members stand by idly and watch the violence take place. Because a wife is considered her husbands “property,” loved ones feel it is not their place to step in. They may counsel the abused woman to “be a better wife” when the beating is over. But in essence, they stood by and allowed a crime to unfold.

Now I ask this question – “What would you desire others to do on your behalf?” What would you want family members to do to help you? Would you expect strangers, or neighbors to be there for you? If you screamed loud enough for your neighbors to hear you, would you at least expect them to call the police? If your family stepped in to help you, would you accept their assistance?

As you watch the following videos, point out the person that would most likely respond the way you would have. Even if you call the police on behalf of the abused, that is better than doing nothing.

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Teen Couple Fights: Would You Intervene?

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Woman Beats Boyfriend: What Would You Do?

Will people stop a woman abusing a man? “Primetime” hired actors to find out.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

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CHRISTIAN SUFFERING-IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE GOD’S WILL?

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OCTOBER IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH

 “DO SOMETHING!”

http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.

 
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Posted by on October 11, 2011 in SPEAK UP! SPEAK OUT!

 

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