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“I CAN’T CALL THE POLICE – HE IS THE POLICE!”

By Terry Loving

“‘You shall not murder.   (Deuteronomy 5:17)

yX5yV.AuSt.5On April 26, 2003 Tacoma Police Chief David Brame fatally wounded his wife, Crystal, and then killed himself.”

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“…when a woman calls police to report domestic violence, her chances are at least two out of five that the officer who responds has recently beaten his own partner . . . and gotten away with it! It is in part this dynamic that has created “unequal justice” for domestic violence victims everywhere.”

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No other crime victim is so utterly trapped as the police officer’s domestic partner. She is threatened with death if she reports; dismissed as crazy in internal “investigations” that are little more than a closing of the ranks around the offender; and laughed off by district attorneys when asked when charges will be filed. For the rare woman who does break free, she finds herself hunted from house to house and state to state, afraid she will be arrested on a trumped-up crime, then “battered” again in family court, often to lose her children to the violent spouse. Some of these women have lived underground for years rather than risk almost certain death if her batterer finds her.”

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Abused women are encouraged to contact agencies that assist them during their crisis. When in immediate danger, they are advised to dial “911” and seek help from local law enforcement. When the police arrive at the scene in many cases, abusers are arrested especially when the abused shows visible signs of injury. The laws are changing for the most part where domestic abusers are arrested and prosecuted in spite of the protests of the abused.

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 Usually, the abused who seeks a domestic violence restraining order is granted one in a matter of minutes. But what happens when the abuser is a police officer himself? The wife of Milwaukee Police Officer Mark T. Lelinski experienced just how difficult it can be for abused wives to seek and win protection orders against their abusive husbands who work in a system that is designed to protect its citizens – regardless of who they are.

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“Every year, hundreds of domestic violence restraining orders are granted in Milwaukee County’s courts. In many cases, the hearings take 5 or 10 minutes. In the case against Milwaukee Police Officer Mark T. Lelinski, hearings stretched over more than eight hours on four different days.”

It is not uncommon for the responding officers to only speak with the officer accused of battery. Police officers are part of a “Brotherhood” that protects its own. In too many cases, no reports are written and the officers have a pow-wow on the front lawn, laughing and dismissing the severity of why the abused called for help in the first place. The abused is accused of being “crazy” or “hysterical” and having “blown things out of proportion.” The responding officers leave and the abused is left in an increasing dangerous situation.

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It is well documented that proving a case of domestic violence against a police officer is very difficult. The challenges are “unique” and abuse victims feel that the system fails them because their abusers are a part of that system they should be able to turn to for help. Mrs. Lelinski discovered to her dismay that the system was more concerned with the officer’s reputation, and the good of the department rather than the injustice she suffered at home.

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 Although the responding officers “did nothing,” and refused to testify against their fellow officer; the victim was first denied a protection order; a city attorney fought to keep the evidence out of court, Mrs. Lelinski was finally granted a two-year protection order for the sake the couple’s son. Because officer Lelinski was not convicted of a felony in Milwaukee, he was allowed to keep his job and his gun.

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On April 26, 2003 – David Brame shot his estranged wife Crystal in the parking lot of a Gig Harbor shopping plaza. Not only did Brame shoot himself in the head, he psychologically damaged their two children – they witnessed the shootings. At the time of this tragedy, 44 year-old David Brame was the Chief of Police in western Washington. Brame died 2-1/2 hours after his self-inflicted gunshot wound. The 45 caliber Glock semiautomatic was possibly his service weapon. Crystal Brame held on for seven days, and finally succumbed to a fatal wound to her head. Two more children were orphaned by domestic violence.

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 Their turbulent divorce had become public knowledge, and Crystal Brame “alleged spousal abuse and claimed Chief Brame pointed a gun at her and threatened to kill her.” On April 26, 2003, David Brame turned his threats into a harsh reality.

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 An alleged rape in the 80’s, and a recommendation that Brame not be hired as a result of a psychological evaluation in 1981 did not impede his rise to power. There were “other incidents” throughout Barme’s career that were red flags, but they were ignored. Asterisks surrounded his 1981 hiring; Brame took three psychological evaluations before he was deemed eligible. Few knew or noticed.

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 “He had a brother on the police force. He had a father on the police force. It’s the good old boy system. It’s the buddy system. It’s the blue code,” says John Hathaway, who grew up in East Tacoma, near Brame’s family.

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megan-graham beaten by copsHandicapped Woman Calls 911 During Brutal Beating by Cops

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Ray Corpuz, Tacoma’s city manager allegedly suppressed the rape charges against Chief Brame. The “cover up” by Corpuz protected Brame and Corpuz. Ray and his wife were involved in an insurance scam concerning a burglary at their home. Corpuz and Brame knew damaging information about one another, and they made a pact to keep silent.

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In the case of “Ross Mirkarimi, the San Francisco sheriff who was charged with three misdemeanor counts connected with accusations that he abused his wife” – fear spread far and wide.

“Advocates for battered women are reluctant to dive into domestic violence cases involving police for fear of alienating the agencies they rely upon for help in other abuse cases. Several local advocates declined to be interviewed for this article because of that concern, although more than a dozen publicly called Thursday for Mirkarimi to step aside temporarily while the case against him is resolved.”

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“The biggest problem for a woman reporting that she’s been abused by her police officer husband or boyfriend is that nobody believes you,” said Diane Wetendorf of Chicago, who wrote a nationally used victim handbook, “Police Domestic Violence.”

“If you do speak up, the police are very good at turning the accusations around,” Wetendorf said. “The women get terrified, too, so the crime is very under-reported. There is a legitimate fear of retaliation.”

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There are many good cops that strive to do the right thing on and off the job. On the other hand, power and control hungry men often pursue a career in law enforcement to satisfy their need for dominance. The use of and misuse of authority, the badge and the gun are more important to such men rather than the heart to help people in need.

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NYPD-Officer-Larry-DePrimo-a-standard-all-cops-should-strive-forhttp://christopherdiarmani.com/8811/police/great-police-officers/shocking-true-good-cops-exist/

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Several studies, according to Gandy and Wetendorf, indicate that women suffer domestic abuse in at least 40 percent of police officer families. For American women overall, the figure is 25 percent, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.”

“She said officers who abuse their wives or partners often are perverting the ‘continuum of force’ used in policing.”

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“They start out with command presence and voice to gain and maintain control, and if that doesn’t work, they go up the scale with an increasing amount of force until they get compliance,” Wetendorf said. “Unfortunately, these guys use the same technique with their wives and girlfriends. And some of them go from 0 to 60 right away.”

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“A big part of police culture is the code of silence,” she said. “The prosecutors depend on police for their cases, the police depend on each other – it’s a very insulated system.”

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Officer Mirkarimi stated that what happened in his home was “a family matter.” Fortunately, the laws are changing – slowly – but changing to view domestic violence as much more than a family squabble.

“San Francisco police spokesman Officer Albie Esparza said his department is as intolerant of domestic violence as anyone in the city.”

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“When you are sworn to protect and serve, you are held to a higher standard than the general public,” Esparza said. “If you are accused of domestic violence, you not only get your case in court, but you get an internal affairs investigation.”

“Whether it involves an officer from our agency or another agency, we take these accusations very seriously,” Esparza said. “You cannot change the way you do your job just because it’s another officer.”

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  Calculated Behavior

“Most victims ask if the abuser knows what he’s doing. The answer is “yes.” The police abuser, even more than a civilian abuser, knows exactly what he wants to accomplish and how to do it.”

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Training makes him dangerous

“A police officer’s training and professional status add extra levels of sophistication to his style of psychological and physical battering. It may be helpful for you to step back and see how his training and status intensify his abusive behavior in your relationship.”

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THE POLICE ARE OUT OF CONTROL!!!!

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The Police Are Still Out of Control

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In America, fear is growing that the police are getting out of control

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“And ye shall be betrayed both by parents, and brethren, and kinsfolks, and friends; and some of you shall they cause to be put to death.”

(Luke 21:16 – KJV)

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10 years later: Looking back at former Tacoma Police Chief David Brame

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  I Am Divorcing An Abusive Police Officer

“Mine started off as the dream guy. The most supported and loving man I had ever met. I told my family “I’m going to marry this guy”. As I am now in my 4th year of this relationship, it’s a complete nightmare. He doesn’t ke me visit my family, call them, or spend holidays or birthdays with them. I own the house we live in and he refuses to leave even though I’ve asked him to leave several times. When I say I’m going to call the cops he just laughs because they are all his buddies and won’t do anything to help me.”

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“My first lawyer told me to face the facts, my soon to be ex is a cop and he is going to win.”

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 “Last night was pretty much the last straw. A friend of his (another cop) hit me in the face joking around but I was so offended and caught off guard that I got upset and started crying. Well he flipped and told me I was being stupid and the argument between us was our fault because I chose to take the smack to the face the wrong way.”

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THE BROTHERHOOD

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Code of Silence

When an officer is in trouble on the job or in trouble with his wife or girlfriend at home, he counts on his buddies to cover for him. He gives them a story that explains why he “had to do” whatever he did. Whether or not they personally condone his behavior, they may rationalize his behavior, saying he was stressed out, under a lot of pressure, or quite simply, that he’s only human. They repeat his version of the story and they stick to that version. They put themselves on the line with their fellow officer. Whether testifying in court or smoothing things out at home, the rules are simple for them:

  • Say as little as possible.
  • Answer only the question asked.
  • Don’t give details.
  • Deny all accusations.
  • Say “I don’t remember, I didn’t see that, or I don’t know.”

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Seattle cops get free ride on domestic violence

“Cops who abuse their wives rarely pay the price.”

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Officer-Involved Domestic Violence

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How to Combat Officer-Involved Domestic Violence

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What can a woman do when her abuser IS the police?

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Muncie steps up fight against domestic violence

“One of the complaints that we had always heard was, ‘Well, I don’t have anywhere to go. I can’t get out of the house. My kids are there,'” Arnold said. “Now you can run to a fire station — you can drive to a fire station — and you’re going to be safe, you’re going to be warm.”

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YAHOO NEWS: The American Police State is the ‘New Normal’ (even the MSM cannot deny it anymore)

YAHOO NEWS: The American Police State is the ‘New Normal’

YAHOO NEWS: The American Police State is the ‘New Normal’ (even the MSM cannot deny it anymore)

– See more at: http://szaboservices.blogspot.com/2011/06/yahoo-news-american-police-state-is-new.html#sthash.UxNKSEja.dpuf

brutal_american_policehttp://szaboservices.blogspot.com/2011/06/yahoo-news-american-police-state-is-new.html

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http://www.lanejudson.com/2_Domestic_violence_bill_now_law.htm

New Washington State Law mandates that each law enforcement agency in the state must have an officer-involved domestic violence policy

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We can spread the word far and wide about the anguish Crystal suffered. We can convey the message to those who are still suffering in silence that they are not alone. And we can help prevent this tragedy from ever happening again. That would be Crystal’s greatest legacy.”

http://www.lanejudson.com/

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Officer-Involved Domestic Fatalities – LaneJudson.com

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YAHOO NEWS: The American Police State is the ‘New Normal’ – See more at: http://szaboservices.blogspot.com/2011/06/yahoo-news-american-police-state-is-new.html#sthash.UxNKSEja.dpuf
YAHOO NEWS: The American Police State is the ‘New Normal’ – See more at: http://szaboservices.blogspot.com/2011/06/yahoo-news-american-police-state-is-new.html#sthash.UxNKSEja.dpuf

http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

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No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org. – 2014
All rights reserved.

………………………………………Read more here: http://www.thenewstribune.com/david-brame/#storylink=cpy
 
4 Comments

Posted by on April 16, 2014 in Sociopaths And Psycopaths

 

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DO ABUSERS HAVE A CONSCIENCE?

By Terry Loving

The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith. Timothy 1:5

A CRY FOR JUSTICE BOOK

“And herein do I exercise myself – And this very tenet is a pledge for my good behavior; for as I believe there will be a resurrection, both of the just and unjust, and that every man shall be judged for the deeds done in the body, so I exercise myself day and night, that I may have a conscience void of offense toward God and toward men.

Toward God – In entertaining no opinion contrary to his truth; and in offering no worship contrary to his dignity, purity, and excellence.

Toward men – In doing nothing to them that I would not, on a change of circumstances, they should do to me; and in withholding nothing by which I might comfort and serve them.” 1

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“Abusive people have dysfunctional or even non-functioning consciences. In contrast, their victims have very active consciences. And the abuser uses this to his advantage. He can, without any hesitation or remorse, insinuate a horrid charge against her, making her feel the pangs of her own conscience, and causing her to wonder if she really is guilty.” 2

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Most have heard the saying, “Let your conscience be your guide.” When making decisions in life, “normal” thinking people rely on their inner voice to decide what actions they should take. Depending upon the level of maturity, a person with high morals, integrity, ethics and the like will usually make decisions they can live with. In other words, the choices they make in life would be those that do not keep them awake at night torturing their minds with guilt. After making their final decision they are able to live with themselves knowing they made the right choice – no harm done.

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1 John 3:21
“Beloved, if our heart condemn us not, then have we confidence toward God.”

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The abuser’s decision-making process is much different. Their decisions are not based upon what is right, just, fair, moral, ethical, nor do they consider the feelings of others. Life is all about the abuser and their comfort and well-being. It is within the avenues of power and control as well as entitlement that the abuser establishes a domain of terror. He feels justified.

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The word conscience is defined as:

[kon-shuhns] Show IPA

noun

1. the inner sense of what is right or wrong in one’s conduct or motives, impelling one toward right action: to follow the dictates of conscience.

2. the complex of ethical and moral principles that controls or inhibits the actions or thoughts of an individual.

3. an inhibiting sense of what is prudent: I’d eat another piece of pie but my conscience would bother me. 3

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Pastor Jeff Crippen beautifully explains in his book – A CRY FOR JUSTICE how we assume that abusers must be “weighed down” by their horrid actions toward others. Normally, non-abusive souls would agonize over wrongs committed towards others, and seek to make amends. Because we would feel bad inside, we naturally think that others would feel the same – not so with abusers. In fact, Jeff explains how abusers use our assumptions against us as they play the “victim.” The abuser’s deeds do not weigh heavy upon them, for they are functioning in what they perceive as a normal way of life. They are oblivious to the real pain they cause others because they do not care – life is all about the abuser – no one else – not even God.

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In the absence of a “healthy” conscience, abusers can beat the daylights out of their victims, and minutes later take the family out for an ice cream cone. His family, especially his spouse is his personal property to do with them as he sees fit. The beatings or verbal put downs in his mind are his God-given right to keep his family in line. After all, God made him the head, and all beneath him must submit or face dire consequences. Is there any remorse for the abuse? Never! Entitlement and false justification do not produce such emotions.

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Abusers lack empathy which is why they can bloody your face and throw you a towel in disgust – “Clean yourself up, you are a mess!” Your bloody wounds are only an issue when you no longer look “pretty.” After all, he is the only man that is allowed to look at you. They will never admit fault for your pain, because you – according to them – “Brought it on yourself!” Abusers are very capable of fake empathy, especially when the abused threatens to leave them. The false tears only serve to melt the heart of the abused, and the cycle of torture will repeat itself. This is how the crazy making stage begins.

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Abusers who claim to be Christians pretend holiness, and yet – they have no conscience – not in the sense of what we define as “normal.” 1Timothy 4:2 speaks of “hypocrites” and “liars” that have a conscience that has been “seared with a hot iron.” Verses 1-5 gives us a clear picture of the spiritual apostasy that shall take place in these “latter days” – the Christian age. According to various views of Bible commentaries, a conscience “seared with a hot iron” can also be applied to the conscience of abusers, especially those who call themselves Christians.

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Can we not safely say that abusers in our places of worship have “departed from the faith?” The foundation of the “faith” that Jesus ministered is based on love. It is not possible that abusers are following Christ, but their own hypocritical self-imposed doctrine of hate. They are incapable of the agape love that we should have for one another. Agape love possesses compassion for the plight of others as well as; empathy; true love; it is selfless, sacrificial, unconditional love that abusers do not possess.

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“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” John 3:16

“He that loves not knows not God; for God is love.” 1 John 4:8

“A new commandment I give to you, That you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another.”  John 13:34-35

“Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.”  1 Corinthians 13:1-13

The consciences of abusers are senseless and unfeeling as flesh that has been cauterized. “The sensitiveness of their consciences is destroyed by the brand of the devil.”  People’s New Testament

domestic-abuse

“The metaphor is from the practice of branding slaves or criminals, the latter on the brow. These deceivers are not acting under delusion, but deliberately, and against their conscience. They wear the form of godliness, and contradict their profession by their crooked conduct (2 Timothy 3:5). The brand is not on their brow, but on their conscience. Comp.” Titus 1:15; Titus 3:11Vincent’s Word Studies

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“To the pure, all things are pure; but to those who are defiled and unbelieving, nothing is pure, but both their mind and their conscience are defiled.” (Titus 1:15)

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Jeff also notes a “degree of abuse” that ranges from “remarkably selfish” to “narcissistic,” “sociopaths” to “psychopaths.” When abusers reach the sociopath or psychopath levels, many people view the abusers as having no conscience at all. However, Pastor Crippen maintains that abusers do have a conscience, but they are “dysfunctional.” They possess not the normal means of inner conviction which keeps our passions for wrong in check.

When the searing of the conscience takes place, no one can say for sure. What we can know is the fact that abusers “speak lies in hypocrisy,” they are senseless, and unfeeling:

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 “Such a conscience exists in a mind that will practice delusion without concern; that will carry on a vast system of fraud without wincing; that will incarcerate, scourge, or burn the innocent without compassion; and that will practice gross enormities, and indulge in sensual gratifications under the mask of piety.”  Barnes’ Notes on the Bible

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The Sociopath Next Door

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I highly recommend A CRY FOR JUSTICE for many reasons. It opened my eyes to a darker side of abusers, and their cunning ways. This book took my understanding of abuse much deeper, and I could feel the essence of evil more acutely as I read each page. It is a must read for those who desire to counsel the abused, and for church leaders who need to educate themselves concerning this atrocity that is hidden within our houses of worship. In addition, I also recommend this book for self-study as well as group Bible study.

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The main reason I applaud this work is the fact that Pastor Crippen isn’t afraid to “call a spade a spade.” He says what needs to be said, and isn’t concerned as many other pastors are about stepping on toes. There is no arrogance in his preaching  and teaching against domestic abuse, for he understands that the Christian church is under spiritual attack, and the people of God have been silent and ignorant for too long. The last place on earth we should witness abuse is in our houses of worship, and our Christian homes.

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It is important to understand the many faces of abusers and how they deceive us. Jeff also covers topics such as, “Why the Church Covers Up Abuse,” “Dealing With Abusers,” “The Abuser’s Use of Shame and Fear” and much more. He also covers “The Devastating Effects of Abuse on Children.” Personally, I am one who is suffering, and will most likely continue to suffer those “devastating effects.” They are very real!

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Pastor Crippen and Anna Wood – THANK YOU!

http://cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com/

A Cry for Justice: How the Evil of Domestic Abuse Hides in Your Church

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Conscience (36 Occurrences)

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http://www.sociopathworld.com/

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Profile of the Sociopath

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Charmer/ Abusers and their ‘Prey’

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   An Interview with Martha Stout

How do you spot a sociopath?

“A sociopath has no conscience, no ability to feel shame, guilt or remorse. Since 1 in 25 ordinary Americans is a sociopath, you almost certainly know one or more than one already. How can you recognize him or her?”

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Potentially Abusive Personalities: Some Red Flags – by Dr. George Simon, Jr.

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 1 Clarke’s Commentary on the Bible

2 A CRY FOR JUSTICE – The Abuser’s Use of Shame and Fear – 89

 3 Chicago Manual Style (CMS):conscience. Dictionary.com. Dictionary.com Unabridged. Random House, Inc. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/conscience (accessed: April 14, 2013).

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009-2013
All rights reserved.

 
15 Comments

Posted by on April 14, 2013 in Sociopaths And Psycopaths

 

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THE BULLY IN YOUR BED

By Terry Loving

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

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THE BULLY PROJECT is a much needed endeavor to shed light on bullying amongst young people.  Numerous children suffer in silence for they are ashamed to tell anyone what is happening to them at school, on the playground, and in various social settings.

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While reading the information on The Bully Project’s website, it stood out that the dynamics of bullying are closely related to domestic abuse. There are slight variations such as children verses adults, and home verses school settings. However, the characteristics of the bully and abuser are very similar, and exact in many cases. The same goes for the victims of bullies; they closely mirror victims of domestic abuse, in character and suffering.

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I conclude therefore, the same bullies on the playground may grow up to terrorize their wives, girlfriends, and other companions. Their children may be on the receiving end of a child bully now fully grown, possessing the same hatefulness that slammed an innocent child’s head in a locker when he was 10-years old.

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One of the project’s goal is to have “Parents play a vital role in supporting their kids, promoting upstander rather than bystander behavior, and teaching and modeling empathy in the home.” The latter part is where bullying begins, “in the home.” If Johnny sees a father or boyfriend beating his mother constantly, he more than likely will mimic the behavior. Not all children who witness domestic abuse will become violent abusers. However, they will be affected negatively in some way just the same.

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Many abused women sleep beside a bully every night – “a tormentor, oppressor, aggressor, persecutor, tyrant, and intimidator.” The actions in the home are no different than what bullies exhibit in the classroom and other public places. School yard bullies “intimidate, terrorize, persecute, torment, frighten, oppress, browbeat, and harass.” Could we not say the same about domestic abusers?

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According to The Bully Project, the definition of “bully” “varies” – but most people agree that bullying amounts to:

  1. AN IMBALANCE OF POWER: people who bully use their power to control or harm and the people being bullied may have a hard time defending themselves.
  2. INTENT TO CAUSE HARM: actions done by accident are not bullying; the person bullying has a goal to cause harm.
  3. REPETITION: incidents of bullying happen to the same person over and over by the same person or group.

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Now, can you honestly read the above and conclude that domestic abusers are not BULLIES? ABUSERS ARE BULLIES! Many adult bullies were once playground bullies. I will say it again, ABUSERS ARE BULLIES! Even the types of bullying listed fit the motive operandi of domestic abusers:

  1. VERBAL: name calling and teasing
  2. SOCIAL: spreading rumors, leaving people out on purpose, break up friendships.
  3. PHYSICAL: hitting, punching, and shoving.
  4. CYBERBULLYING: using the Internet, mobile phones, or other digital technologies to harm others.

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One of the quotes on their site from “Kelby” states:

“You can always count on something happening when you’re walking down the hall at school…”

In domestic violence situations, the abused “can always count on something happening” as well. The “honeymoon stage” is not a reliable predictor of the imminent violence, however, there is usually calm before a storm.

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In addition, “Bullying often does not happen in an isolated context, with a single tormentor and victim.” This is the opposite view of domestic abuse. The abused usually have a “single tormentor” and most always are the “victim.” There may be exceptions where different cultures and families side with the abusers, and gang up on the abused – physically and mentally. But the norm is the abused are “isolated” from support and live with a bully in secret. Another similarity is, “… the person being bullied does not know how or does not have the power to make it stop.” The abused seek answers to this dilemma every day through prayer, Internet research, talking to trusted confidants and the like.

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Bullying causes many young people to become depressed and withdrawn. We hear stories all the time about the bullied teen that committed suicide. What we do not hear often is the number of abused persons who kill themselves for they see no other way out of domestic terrorism. The Bully Project also states that “Over 13 million American kids will be bullied this year…” Domestic abuse is a worldwide epidemic!

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Lastly, “empathy” is mentioned as a key ingredient to ending bullying. This can also be said for domestic violence. When we learn to treat others with understanding, compassion, and caring about the feelings of another, then and only then will we see progress. If children witness hatred, abuse and violence in their homes, how can they know to treat others with kindness? Another reason why some kids are so angry is the fact that they are abused themselves.

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Ephesians 6:4 teaches – “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” Many children grow up in hellish environments with an abusive caregiver short circuiting their development with abuse. The helplessness they feel is often transferred to their peers or siblings. The little abusers often grow up to be big abusers – weighing more, taller, more powerful – and capable of much more damage to others.

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Barnes’ Notes on the Bible

“And ye fathers – A command addressed particularly to “fathers,” because they are at the head of the family, and its government is especially committed to them. The object of the apostle here is, to show parents that their commands should be such that they can be easily obeyed, or such as are entirely reasonable and proper. If children are required to “obey,” it is but reasonable that the commands of the parent should be such that they can be obeyed, or such that the child shall not be discouraged in his attempt to obey.”

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“Provoke not your children to wrath – That is, by unreasonable commands; by needless severity; by the manifestation of anger. So govern them, and so punish them – if punishment is necessary – that they shall not lose their confidence in you, but shall love you. The apostle here has hit on the very danger to which parents are most exposed in the government of their children. It is that of souring their temper; of making them feel that the parent is under the influence of anger, and that it is right for them to be so too. This is done:

(1) when the commands of a parent are unreasonable and severe. The spirit of a child then becomes irritated, and he is “discouraged;” Colossians 3:21.

(2) when a parent is evidently “excited” when he punishes a child. The child then feels:

(a) that if his “father” is angry, it is not wrong for him to be angry; and,

(b) the very fact of anger in a parent kindles anger in his bosom – just as it does when two men are contending.”

The opposite is permissive parenting. There are parents who see no wrong in much of anything their child does. Therefore, if there are no consequences at home, a bully will not expect them elsewhere.

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Proverbs 19:18 “Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.”

Proverbs 22:15 “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.”

Proverbs 23:13 “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.”

Proverbs 23:14 “Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.”

Proverbs 29:15 “The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.”

NOTE: The above scriptures are not referring to physical abuse – beatings with ironing cords, sticks, bats, or any type of abusive corrections.

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The bully that sleeps beside you at night may have been angered and hurt by a parent or caregiver. Or, he or she has lived a life of entitlement, and therefore expects everyone to bow to their every whim. Yes, children are influenced by society – peer pressure, movies, television, and a host of other inventions of the devil. However, it is within our homes that we breed little terrorist who become tomorrow’s abusers.

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The only way parents are going to promote “empathy” in the home is with the Word of God.

American King James Version
“All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:”

The Bully Project is a wonderful idea. Surely it will take a village for “bystanders” to become “upstanders.” However without changed hearts, and walking in a new direction – spiritually – this and many other efforts to cease violence within our society may prove to be in vain. I am not putting their efforts down, but I am emphasizing the teaching of God’s Word in our homes and our church environments. Our heavenly Father is no longer welcome in our schools; therefore Christian parents especially are responsible for the spiritual wellbeing of their children.

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We have a whole generation of young people lost and out of control. It seems like people are making babies, and leaving them to fend for themselves. The “village” is gone; Christian parenting is falling by the wayside; the sensuality of the world has captured the hearts and minds of our young; the devil is killing kids with drugs and alcohol; teen pregnancy is now a badge of honor; domestic violence is warping young minds and short circuiting their God given potential – and our churches for the most part preach prosperity to a dying world – why?

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The next time you watch the bully in your bed slumber, remember that it is not your fault that he or she is the way they are. Someone failed them somewhere along the line, and it was not you. The mold was set, the die cast long before your paths crossed. Your bully could have been a terror on the playground, threw chairs in kindergarten, or broke his little sister’s arm – but he is still without excuse for what he does to you. The bully in your bed is responsible for his actions – and no one else. YOU  the abused – CANNOT “FIX” A BULLY!

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Many children grow up with violence and abuse, but they choose not to do unto others what has been done to them. Violence is a choice – from the bully on the playground to the bully in your life. ABUSERS ARE BULLIES! Make no mistake about it. Get help – get free.

Peace.

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Video Of Bully Victim Casey Heynes Bodyslamming His Bully

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Study: Schoolyard Bullies Four Times More Likely to Abuse Spouses as Adults

“Research does indicate that in many cases, the bullies are getting their behavior from somewhere. They have witnessed like behavior,” said Warner. “One of the biggest risk factors is their environment.”

“The study also found a link between “bullying others at school and perpetration of IPV (intimate partner violence].”

“It was the latest study to indicate that many bullies do not outgrow their aggression. Past research has shown that bullies are at a higher risk of bullying their own kids, losing a job, and getting involved in the criminal justice system.”

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Bullies face prosecution in domestic violence crackdown

“Men who bully or abuse their partners in a “controlling” fashion could face criminal charges under a shake-up of domestic violence laws being planned by ministers.”

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Violence in the Family by Deborah Carpenter with Christopher J. Ferguson, Ph.D.

…”what if what the little girl sees is mommy yelling at the bank teller, insulting the grocery clerk, and badmouthing the other moms in the playgroup? And what if the young boy sees his father berating his mother, insulting the dinner she’s made, and tossing his fork across the room after he pronounces the evening meal disgusting and inedible? What if these kids witness more severe forms of domestic violence? What then?”

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Bullying is Domestic Violence At Work

The abuser is on the payroll!

“In 98% of domestic violence cases, the perpetrator is the man. In bullying, the majority of abusers, 62%, are male; women are famously perpetrators, too. So, regardless of gender, the bully-abuser dehumanizes her or his prey. She can have such contempt for the target that she refuses to grant even the minimal respect due to a fellow human being. Dehumanization enables the severe mistreatment. When the recipient is not seen as an equal, it is easy to denigrate, belittle and humiliate. The target is a lesser-than object not deserving decent treatment.”

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Domestic Violence and the Holocaust — 10 Similarities

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Movie Review: Bully – Uncovering The Desperate Cries For Help

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How does a Child become a Bully?

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Police handcuff Ga. kindergartner for tantrum

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stopbullying.gov

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THE BULLY ROUNDUP

“Bullies aren’t all big and muscle-y. Bullies come in all shapes and sizes — and it’s not like you can tell who they are by what they look like. You can only tell a bully by their actions — they make themselves feel powerful by threatening, embarrassing, or hurting others. If you have ever been around a bully or been picked on by a bully, you know how hurtful they can be. But, there are things you can do to stay out of a bully’s way.”

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BULLYING AMONG GIRLS

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The ABCs of Bullying
Addressing, Blocking, and Curbing School Aggression

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Bullying in America’s schools

(This link has many videos to view on bullying)

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Domestic Violence class for Bullies

“Bullies in school who bully other children are guilty of domestic abuse.”

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NJ bully’s paralyzing punch nets $4.2M settlement

“Sawyer was punched in the abdomen at school on May 16, 2006, dropping him to his knees. When he came home that day he complained of pain in his back but otherwise felt fine, his father, Joel Rosenstein, told The Record of Woodland Park.

Two days later, the seventh-grader let out a scream in his bedroom.

“We picked him up and called an ambulance,” the father told the newspaper. “He hasn’t walked since.”

The blow had caused a clot in a major artery that supplies blood to his spine, leaving him paralyzed from the waist down from what his attorney described as an “incredibly rare” injury.

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“This action-packed family film stars Steve Austin as Dan Barnes, a former pro boxer who retired after growing weary of his violent existence. Now a school janitor, Dan tries to help a new student, Matthew Miller (Daniel Magder), who is being targeted by bullies. While Matthew learns how to box and stand up to his tormenters, one of whom is the school boxing champ, Dan’s newfound role as a teacher helps him come to terms with his tumultuous past.”     http://movies.netflix.com/movie/Knockout/70170176

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‘Bye dad’: Last words of boy who was bullied at school for months before he leapt off motorway bridge

By Daily Mail Reporter
UPDATED:03:24 EST, 21 May 2010

“A quiet, studious and sensitive youngster, despite being an ‘exemplary’ pupil, school prefect and destined to study computing and business at university, the youngster told his father the school had ‘ruined my life’ then ran to a bridge over the M6 motorway and leapt over the side.”

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Can a Kid Be a Psychopath?

“I’ve always said that Michael will grow up to be either a Nobel Prize winner or a serial killer,” his mother, Anne, tells Jennifer Kahn in a recent shocking New York Times Magazine article. At age 9, her son has an extreme temper, lashing out violently and deliberately and showing no empathy or remorse. He’s intelligent, cold, calculating, and explosive. “It takes a toll,” she says, explaining her comment. “There’s not a lot of joy and happiness in raising Michael.”

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Some healing for woman bullied as a teen

“A woman who was bullied mercilessly in high school 25 years ago has gotten some closure from a class reunion page on Facebook.”

“Lynda Frederick, a graduate of Orange Glen High in Escondido, Calif., in 1987, posted a heartbreaking poem about her experience on her school’s 25th class reunion page.”

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Florida Mom Arrested for Choking 14-Year-Old Bully Offers Advice to Parents

“They have all these anti-bully laws but, when it comes down to it, it falls on deaf ears.”

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http://spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 20092012
All rights reserved.

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1 Comment

Posted by on April 15, 2012 in VIOLENCE AMONG US

 

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I APOLOGIZED, NOW LET’S MOVE ON!

By Terry Loving

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“But because of your stubbornness and unrepentant heart you are storing up wrath for yourself in the day of wrath and revelation of the righteous judgment of God…”

2 Corinthians 5:10

“For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.”

NOTE: This post refers to both male and female abusers.

You dished out abuse for years, and now you expect that all will be forgiven and forgotten because you apologized. Never mind that you broke bones, smashed faces into walls, verbally abused – you said you were “sorry” and that should be the end of it. You had a revelation that you were losing control, so you decided to “change” – even if only to regain what you felt that you were losing. OK, benefit of the doubt – you may truly be on the path to real change, and now you are desperate to show your abused loved one that you are ready to be a better person. But something is wrong – your efforts are shunned – ignored – unwanted, and this makes you angry all over again.

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Your spouse no longer desires sex with you. Your boyfriend doesn’t return your phone calls. Your girlfriend avoids you, runs in another direction when she sees you coming. Your frustration mounts, you dish out ultimatums in hopes of holding onto your relationship, and all the while you are further alienating the love of your life – causing more fear than hope within their hearts. You messed up, and now after all is said and done; you expect that a few days, weeks, even months is enough to prove that you have truly changed.

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You expect the infidelities to be overlooked – the ugly words you spewed forth to vanish into thin air – the mistreatment to be treated as a mistake – and the beatings to prove how much you really care. You committed some of the vilest acts with your loved one, and yet – you say, “I love you.” After years of abuse, you are now ready to change, and you cannot understand why your spouse or partner won’t believe you. They are ready to walk out the door – you are ready to build up what you tore down – choosing to ignore the damage that was done on all accounts.

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Every day you make promises to never hit her anymore. You promise to never verbally abuse anymore. You promise to never abuse the children anymore. You promise to listen more. You promise to not publicly embarrass her anymore. You come home at night now – even help around the house. You dust off some of the broken promises made in the past, now desperately trying to make them a reality. And yet, your efforts seem to be in vain – “Why?” – You ask in confusion.

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Let me give it to your straight – no human being is built for abuse. You can kick a dog around for so long and eventually it will turn on you. Even animals have feelings. You ignored her feelings, her pain, her complaints, and her humanity – and now you expect things to be “normal” all because you apologized. It doesn’t work that way. When you expect, even demand that the abused partner should be ready to “move on” because you say so; you are still operating from a selfish heart.

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No human can see inside of your mind to know if you have really changed. And if you just wake up one day and announce, “I’ve changed!” – You are only deluding yourself. Change involves more than words, and repentance takes time to witness through actions and time. Abusers close the door to positive dialogue after they inflict hurt of any kind. Emotional walls are difficult to penetrate when a person has been betrayed by violence and abuse. And in most cases, infidelities are a huge part of domestic violence. For some reason, abusers feel entitled to cheat, and expect their mates to easily forgive and forget. Worst yet, abusers expect the abused to keep silent when they discover cheating. If not, many are beaten just for bringing up the subject.

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Once you erase a person’s personality, you are no longer dealing with the same person that you first met. You now sleep next to an empty shell – a damaged soul – a person who has lost all dignity and self-respect, one who even have thoughts of suicide just to escape your madness. You are now dealing with a person who struggles with esteem issues, guilt, and who often feels worthless – even to God. When you tell the abused, “I apologized, now let’s move on,” you are telling them that their feelings about themselves are accurate. You selfishly berate the unique person that God intended for them to be, and erroneously expect them to rejoice all because you apologized.

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How sincere was your apology anyway? Did you specifically apologize for slapping your wife? Or did you just say, “I am sorry for what happened?” Did you apologize for calling her a “fat pig,” or did you blame your wife for your outburst? I recently confronted an ex-friend concerning some hurtful things she said to me – one who in times past accused me of being “too sensitive.” Even though I told her specific wrongs, she dismissed them, never apologized for the hurt. Instead, she said, “I forgive you.” And to further add insult, she emailed me a sermon from Joyce Myers, which had nothing to do with being sorrowful for the things she said, and the demise of the friendship. Go figure.

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From that incident, I am convinced that many people do not possess genuine capabilities to recognize the pain they cause. Personally, I’d rather be “sensitive” than hard hearted and cold. Abusers do that you know, accuse you of being “too sensitive” when you cannot receive their abuse. When abusers lose control over one they often abused to make themselves feel better, they use guilt as a way of connecting with the abused for another round of evil intent.

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When you apologize for your abuse, and you do not seek counseling, or some type of accountability to another person, you are sending the message that your words should be good enough. In part, it was your words that caused the destruction of the relationship, so how do you figure that the abused should believe you now? Abused people cannot just “move on!” It takes time, change from both parties, healing, new directions, repentance, and a host of other actions that will not make a difference over-night.

Most of all, without God, and repenting to our Heavenly Father – first – there will be no change. In many cases, there will be no forgiveness. When your mate moves on, seeks others that accept them, and possibly seek other relationships – remember – your actions caused the divide. Whatever happens next – divorce – separation – loss of family, etc. is something that should have been thought out before the abuse started. If someone means that much to you, why would you hurt them in the first place?

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Domestic Violence Awareness Embroidered Patches
(click on picture for more)

When the abused arise from the ashes of pain, they are often stronger, wiser, and unafraid to go in another direction. Some of you abusers may truly be sorrowful for the pain you have caused, but there may come a time when you will have to let the wounded go. You cannot empty a soul, and fill it up again. Only God can do that. It would be wise to accept the fact that you are an abuser, and seek help. Attending church services and reading the Bible is not enough. Some of you do that for show. Only time, effort on your part to seek a heart change and God’s grace can truly change you. It begins with true repentance. How much are you willing to lose to ultimately gain?

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Can an abusive mate CHANGE
through only Bible study and prayer?

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Healing From Domestic Abuse – Do You Need the Abuser’s Apology for You to Heal?

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How Do I Stop Abusing My Wife

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SHOULD I FORGIVE MY ABUSER?

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WHAT’S GOOD ABOUT ANGER?

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The Batterer Is Responsible

“Even in the heat of anger, batterers make the choice to hit. They do not go “crazy” or “lose control”, but know who to hit, where to hit, when to hit, and how hard to hit, to accomplish their goals. Men in domestic violence treatment groups, when they are honest with themselves, admit they use arguments or stress as an excuse to use abusive tactics to control their partner.”

Proverbs 17:22 “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“A joyful heart makes a cheerful face, But when the heart is sad, the spirit is broken.”

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I Said I Was Sorry

by Mark Gungor on October 5th, 2009

“I hear tales all the time of men who have done hurtful things—huge things like having an affair or smaller things like saying something very mean and spiteful—and then they say, “I’m sorry” and expect it all to go away. When it doesn’t these guys get upset and throw it back on their wives because his wife “can’t get over it”. It just doesn’t work that way for women. Men need to learn that pushing her to “move on” isn’t the answer. The answer is for you to own the problem that you created.”

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http://spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.


 
1 Comment

Posted by on July 25, 2011 in LIES AND DECEPTION

 

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DO YOU REALLY MISS HIM?

By Terry Loving

He almost killed you, and yet – you miss him. Your mind says, “RUN!” But your emotions are very much connected to your abuser, and you waver between leaving him alone, or taking him back. He apologizes, cries, and begs for another chance. The mirror doesn’t lie – you are scarred and bruised, but you miss him so much that you are willing to forgive and take him back.

WHY??????

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Once you have sex with someone, a strong spiritual, physical, and emotional bond is born. There is an attachment that is hard to break, and separation leaves a void within your soul. Sex created a bond that God intended to be shared within marriage. God created sex, and it was given not only for procreation, but to seal the bond of marriage – till death do you part. When you have sex with someone, you give a part of your soul to another. The best analogy of closeness I can give is that of mother and child. Mother and child bond during pregnancy for a lifetime. Even if parents mistreat or neglect their children, that bond will always be there.

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When women express that they miss their abusers, not only do they miss the intimacy, they miss the “thought” of that person – and what they could be if they were not abusive. Meaning, what you really miss is what you imagine in your mind how you would like things to be. Think about it, do you really miss the punches, slaps, kicks, chocking, verbal abuse, and whatever else your abuser dishes out? Unless you are a masochist, I would think not.

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When you are in love with love itself, it is difficult to separate fact from fiction. Women were created with nurturing emotions so that we would love and care for our offspring. Somewhere along the way, many women have lost that inner nurturing, and exhibit coldness towards their children. God made women to be the nurturers in the home. We are the central glue that holds things together. So it is no surprise that we try to make peace when we are abused.

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Many women will speak of their abusers as “having a heart” underneath their tirades and violence. We are forever looking for the good, while trying to ignore the bad behaviors. We want to believe so badly that an abuser can change, that we give them second, third, fourth and perhaps fifth chances before we run out the door – if we make it out alive.

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We also have a tendency to live in the past within our minds. If the abuser was nice at first, that is what our minds hold onto, and our hearts long to go back to when things weren’t so bad. But that rarely happens. Once the lion is out of the cage, he seeks to devour.

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So I ask again, “Do you really miss him?” Or, are you holding onto that tainted fairy tale in the back of your mind? Lonely women in particular will allow their emotions to focus on their loneliness, and conclude that they cannot live without a man – their abusers in particular. When compromise is set in motion, loneliness, and not the pure and simple facts – he makes your life a miserable hell – you are suckered into taking him back. Abusers rarely change. No matter how much he cries fake tears, pleads your return, and promises not to hit you again, it is all in vain.

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You cannot love away abuse. You cannot do enough to make him stop mistreating you. Some people are evil and that is a fact. And please understand that witnessing violence, or being abused as a child is no excuse for domestic violence and abuse. Violence is a choice. Just because my parents were alcoholics doesn’t mean I have to follow in their footsteps. And I did not.

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The next time you find yourself missing your abuser, after you have escaped with your life – and possibly the lives of your children – be honest with yourself. Take out a sheet of paper and write down what you miss about your abuser, and be honest enough to admit the truth. The things that you write down, ask yourself if you could really have them again. Ask yourself if your abuser has truly repented, sought help, gave his life to God – and is now living a changed life – without you. If he cannot live a repented, changed life without you – claiming that your coming back to him will be the catalyst for change – RUN FAR AND FAST!

Abuse rarely stops.

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“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

John 8:32

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SEX MAKES YOU STUPID

YOU MISS HIM BECAUSE YOU LOVE HIM –

BUT HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU!

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RT 365 DAYS OF LOVE: DAY 284 ~ THE 5 PILLARS OF MANHOOD (HOW MEN SHOULD LOVE & RESPECT WOMEN) by Jaeson Ma

“Women don’t want nice guys or good boys, women want men on a mission, men on adventure, men who are dangerous. This is why many women are drawn to bad boys because bad boys live with a sense of risk, danger, mystery and unknown. Men were created to live fearless and to live by faith. But if you walk into a church today what you find are a bunch of boys playing with their toys, working at predictable jobs, and living boring lives. It’s sad, but most guys get their sense of adventure from playing video games or watching TV, what happened to our men?”

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Antonio – “I had erased her personality.”

Winner of seven Goya Awards, including Best Picture, Director, Lead Actor and Actress, Iciar Bollain’s raw drama exposes the hard truths about domestic abuse. With her son in tow, battered wife Pilar (Laia Marull) finally flees her violent husband, Antonio (Luis Tosar), taking asylum at her sister Ana’s (Candela Peña) home. Free from the clutches of her abusive husband, Pilar struggles to start a new life; problem is, she still loves Antonio.

Cast: Laia Marull, Luis Tosar
Director: Icíar Bollaín
Genre:  Foreign
Format:  DVD and streaming

http://www.netflix.com/Movie/Take-My-Eyes/70027136

YOU CAN READ MORE REVIEWS ON AMAZON

“Some people reading the title to this movie may mistakenly think this is a macabre and grotesque tale of spousal abuse. It is not. Rather, it shows exceptionally and sympathetically the struggles and loves of different types of people involved in these types of abuses. There are scenes where, even though we despise Antonio’s abuse of Pilar, we still understand her love for him. Any movie that can emotionally convey something that complex and real is worth studying carefully.”

“Even though I don’t usually like sub-titles – this one is worth it! I showed it at my Batterer’s Intervention Group for Men and they gave it a thumb up too!”

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NOTE: I watched this movie last night, 06/25/11, and it is still with me. This is one of the best honest and raw portrayals of domestic abuse that I have ever seen. What I like most about this movie is that fact that it includes a counseling program where you witness the other side of the abuse – the mind of the batterer. No Amazon or Netflix links here, just recommending a movie that will help with understanding the dynamics of domestic violence. And it is definitely RAW!

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

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Help! I Still Love My Abuser!

“Why do I continue to feel love for this person that abused me?  I DON’T miss the abuse, but I do miss the good times we had… I still cry sometimes because I miss what I thought we had.  Is this normal?”

Loss of a Relationship

“When you give up a partner, you give up a lifestyle as well. You give up shared friends, shared activities, as well give up the comfort of being half of a couple. You knew there was someone around; maybe you saw each other or chatted daily. You knew you would have something to do or someone to be with on Saturday night. Even if you stayed home alone on Saturday night, you knew someone was there. You had a partner. Your life changes when you break up with your partner. All of this takes some getting used to. It takes time to regroup and rebuild.”

(click on above link to read more)

How to Finally Stop Obsessing Over Your Ex

I am not a fan of COSMO – however, the tips make sense.

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HE HAS A NEW LOVE AND IT HURTS!

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“He beats me up… but I always forgive him”

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“My boyfriend tried to beat me should I forgive him?”

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“my husband beat me”

NOTE: Leaving abuse is never easy. You will carry your feelings with you – and the love that is hiding beneath the mistreatment. You may think it is gone, but there may come a time you will reflect on the good in the relationship, and you will begin to miss your abuser. Don’t be fooled by your feelings. Just because you feel love for your abuser, it doesn’t mean they feel the same. Your feelings can drive you back to the abuse, but nothing will change – it will only get worst, especially when you leave and go back.

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Domestic Violence Against Women: How to Spot Abusive Men when Dating

Is Your Date an Abuser? Learn the Signs Before It’s Too Late

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ABUSE SUPPORT

“Why do we stay or come back to our abuser? I want to ask us that question…..  Here is some reason I think We Stayed.. We stay cause we are told where are you going you have nowhere to go, or who wants you.. how you going to pay bills you can’t make it on your own…  We are scare that if we do leave that they would hurt us so we fear for our lives or our kids lives…. They tell us it our fault that they abuse us we ask for it if we didn’t make them mad, or whatever reason they give us…We come back cause they always say “I’m sorry” I didn’t mean to do it or say but baby you know you made me mad and I’m sorry and it will never happen again…We don’t think or want to believe the very one we love is hurting us.

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Connie Defends Husband’s Behavior… After He Shot Her

                            

 

SLEEPING WITH A KNIFE UNDER THE BED

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US woman becomes hero for battered wives in China

…”she has changed the locks on her apartment. Last week, her husband sent her an angry text message: “In America you should be killed by your husband with gun. This is real American way. You’re so lucky to be in China!”

Later, he wrote, more succinctly, “Kill you!”

Yet when asked if she still loves him, she says she is not sure.

“I hate what he has done to me and our family … but I cannot say that I hate him,” she says. “Maybe the better question is not do you love him, but does love mean accepting and forgiving someone’s violence?

“For me, it does not.”

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Why Men Abuse Women

“Tony says it felt like he “blacked out” during the abuse. “You don’t understand what’s going on,” he says. “I completely own up to [what I did], but in that rage, it’s like your brain wires, they aren’t clicking.”

“He says being in an abusive relationship is like being in a drug addiction. “It becomes like your bond in the sense that the woman is like cocaine inside of that relationship. That’s the only connection you have, because there’s no real love,” he says. “In order to overcome it, it’s almost like you have to separate, go to rehab, move out of the dope house and never come back.”

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.

Protected by Copyscape Web Plagiarism Detector

 
21 Comments

Posted by on May 25, 2011 in LEAVING ABUSE

 

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THE STING OF VERBAL ABUSE




“And the tongue is a fire,

the very world of iniquity;

the tongue is set among our members as that which defiles the entire body,

and sets on fire the course of our life, and is set on fire by hell.”

(James 3:6-NASB)

My original intent was to create a PDF for downloads. However, that is proving to be time consuming, especially learning how to design a booklet at the same time. Sooooo, I am breaking up the project into sections to post on my web site.

The main reason that patience is not winning this endeavor, is the urgency of the information that is needed. It is my desire to quickly get this vital information to those who are suffering from verbal abuse, and don’t understand what is happening to them.

Each chapter when completed will have a title and link for your review. Eventually, it is my hope to have a finished product to download. I guess that is what happens to Writers who wear all the hats – writing, book design etc.

Anyone desiring this information on verbal abuse may click on the link below. This topic will be updated on a regular basis. There is so much information to share especially from the Word of God. So, please be patient as I gather everything that I can to help you.

If you care to comment on this information, you may come back to this post and have your say.

Here is the link:

http://spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org/id110.html

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UPDATE TO POST – 1/10/11

“JESUS WAS VERBALLY ABUSED”

http://spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org/id114.html

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UPDATE TO POST – 02/17/11

“WHAT IS VERBAL ABUSE?”

http://spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org/id115.html

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No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.

 
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Posted by on January 4, 2011 in VERBAL ABUSE

 

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Violence And Abuse – “You Asked For It?”

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By Terry Loving

I was reading a post written by a woman who was verbally abused, cheated on, and totally beat down by her non-Christian husband. Being a Christian herself, she felt that her disobedience to God – “Do not be unequally yoked…” – brought on the abuse – her punishment for marrying a worldly man. The part of her admission that really caught my attention was, “I asked for what I got.” I don’t agree – totally – with this poor soul, for it sounds like God is punishing her with adultery, violence and abuse. That is not the God that I have learned to love, and the Father that I serve.

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Many people including myself have stated, “If I knew what I know now….” – they would have made more suitable choices in life. It would be wonderful if we could avoid catastrophes’ in life by glancing into the future, but God didn’t fashion us that way. By the way fortune tellers, stop lying to the people. You are robbing them blind, and babbling lies. Now, back to my point; we may have overt or subtle clues warning of possible danger, but physical and emotional neediness causes us to ignore the red flags, especially in relationships.

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I do believe that God will allow us to make our mistakes, especially when we don’t heed His Word, and His warnings. As I research articles and the comment sections, countless people don’t believe in God anyway.  And those who do often find it hard to resist temptation in a world that reeks of evil, and shouts, “You are nothing” if you don’t have a mate, a new car, this brand, that brand, designer clothing, live in a certain area, or have enough money to show off your life-style. No one wants to feel like a “nobody,” so society dictates what it will take to make you feel like a “somebody.” We tend to overlook the obvious negatives when choosing mates in order to feel whole.

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When we place our human needs and desires above God’s wisdom, we often find ourselves in dire predicaments. No one “asks” to be abused or violated in any way. We trade in wisdom for emotionalism, and buy into the idea of “happily ever after.” Our free will is often misconstrued as power to change others. Women especially think they can love away the flaws of damaged men. Been there done that – what a fallacy.

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“Unequally yoked?” – we can be in many ways, especially spiritually.  1Corinthians 6:14 says there is no fellowship between “believers” and “unbelievers;” “light with darkness;” “righteousness” and “wickedness” have nothing in common. “How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness?”  “How can light live with darkness?” (New Living Translation)

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This can also be said of those with “unregenerate” hearts – “1. Not spiritually renewed or reformed; not repentant; Sinful; dissolute. Not reconciled to change; unreconstructed – stubborn; obstinate.”1 In this case, unregenerate hearts applies to abusers in church houses that refuse to acknowledge their violent and abusive ways, and repent. Their sins are “stored up and kept on record” for the Day of Judgment (Hosea 13:12; Romans 2:5)

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In conclusion, no one “asks” for a punch in the mouth; broken bones; verbal abuse; or any kind of mistreatment. I am sure abused individuals would run the other way if they had witnessed their abusers doing to others what is now being done to them. If only they could step outside of their bodies to see that abuse is injustice no matter who it happens to. God is not looking down from heaven saying, “See, that’s what you get!” No, He gives us wisdom through His Word to avoid certain people, and dangerous situations – Divine Providence. It grieves His heart when we don’t listen to His direction. Some people view His guidance as “spiritual slavery.” Of course that is what Satan wants you to think so that you will turn away from salvation. God’s laws are for our protection because He loves us, and knows what is down those dark roads that we are tempted to travel.

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Obeying God’s Word offers peace for our lives, and true freedom. It is man that has turned worship of Jehovah inside out, calling evil good and good evil. Satan has been a liar and a deceiver from the beginning, “Did God really say…?” 2 Staying in violent and abusive situations is not God’s Will for our lives. NO, NO! God called Abraham a “friend,” and Jesus had so much compassion for the people that He “wept.” (James 2:23; 2 Chronicles 20:7; John 11:35)

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You didn’t ask for violence and abuse my sister/brother. It is up to you to seek God for strength and courage to change your own lives. Beat down people are in no position to build up the Kingdom of God. What is more important? Yes, the Bible warns us that “Indeed, all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted,” (2 Timothy 3:12). But this is what is expected from the “world.” Not within our Christian homes.

“Confidence in an unfaithful man is painful and vexatious; when we put any stress on him, he not only fails, but makes us feel for it.”

“It is better to be alone, than to be joined to one who is a hinderance to the comfort of life. Heaven is a country afar off;”

“When the righteous are led into sin, it is as hurtful as if the public fountains were poisoned.”

“The man who has no command over his anger, is easily robbed of peace.”3

“It is better to live in a corner of the roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.”  (Proverbs 25:24)

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1 http://www.thefreedictionary.com/unregenerate

2 Genesis 3:1

3 http://bible.cc/proverbs/25-24.htm

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

NOTE: Be careful of “tips” in books and on the internet concerning how to deal with verbal abuse.

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.

 
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Posted by on October 18, 2010 in Home

 

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