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THE BULLY IN YOUR BED

By Terry Loving

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

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THE BULLY PROJECT is a much needed endeavor to shed light on bullying amongst young people.  Numerous children suffer in silence for they are ashamed to tell anyone what is happening to them at school, on the playground, and in various social settings.

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While reading the information on The Bully Project’s website, it stood out that the dynamics of bullying are closely related to domestic abuse. There are slight variations such as children verses adults, and home verses school settings. However, the characteristics of the bully and abuser are very similar, and exact in many cases. The same goes for the victims of bullies; they closely mirror victims of domestic abuse, in character and suffering.

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I conclude therefore, the same bullies on the playground may grow up to terrorize their wives, girlfriends, and other companions. Their children may be on the receiving end of a child bully now fully grown, possessing the same hatefulness that slammed an innocent child’s head in a locker when he was 10-years old.

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One of the project’s goal is to have “Parents play a vital role in supporting their kids, promoting upstander rather than bystander behavior, and teaching and modeling empathy in the home.” The latter part is where bullying begins, “in the home.” If Johnny sees a father or boyfriend beating his mother constantly, he more than likely will mimic the behavior. Not all children who witness domestic abuse will become violent abusers. However, they will be affected negatively in some way just the same.

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Many abused women sleep beside a bully every night – “a tormentor, oppressor, aggressor, persecutor, tyrant, and intimidator.” The actions in the home are no different than what bullies exhibit in the classroom and other public places. School yard bullies “intimidate, terrorize, persecute, torment, frighten, oppress, browbeat, and harass.” Could we not say the same about domestic abusers?

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According to The Bully Project, the definition of “bully” “varies” – but most people agree that bullying amounts to:

  1. AN IMBALANCE OF POWER: people who bully use their power to control or harm and the people being bullied may have a hard time defending themselves.
  2. INTENT TO CAUSE HARM: actions done by accident are not bullying; the person bullying has a goal to cause harm.
  3. REPETITION: incidents of bullying happen to the same person over and over by the same person or group.

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Now, can you honestly read the above and conclude that domestic abusers are not BULLIES? ABUSERS ARE BULLIES! Many adult bullies were once playground bullies. I will say it again, ABUSERS ARE BULLIES! Even the types of bullying listed fit the motive operandi of domestic abusers:

  1. VERBAL: name calling and teasing
  2. SOCIAL: spreading rumors, leaving people out on purpose, break up friendships.
  3. PHYSICAL: hitting, punching, and shoving.
  4. CYBERBULLYING: using the Internet, mobile phones, or other digital technologies to harm others.

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One of the quotes on their site from “Kelby” states:

“You can always count on something happening when you’re walking down the hall at school…”

In domestic violence situations, the abused “can always count on something happening” as well. The “honeymoon stage” is not a reliable predictor of the imminent violence, however, there is usually calm before a storm.

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In addition, “Bullying often does not happen in an isolated context, with a single tormentor and victim.” This is the opposite view of domestic abuse. The abused usually have a “single tormentor” and most always are the “victim.” There may be exceptions where different cultures and families side with the abusers, and gang up on the abused – physically and mentally. But the norm is the abused are “isolated” from support and live with a bully in secret. Another similarity is, “… the person being bullied does not know how or does not have the power to make it stop.” The abused seek answers to this dilemma every day through prayer, Internet research, talking to trusted confidants and the like.

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Bullying causes many young people to become depressed and withdrawn. We hear stories all the time about the bullied teen that committed suicide. What we do not hear often is the number of abused persons who kill themselves for they see no other way out of domestic terrorism. The Bully Project also states that “Over 13 million American kids will be bullied this year…” Domestic abuse is a worldwide epidemic!

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Lastly, “empathy” is mentioned as a key ingredient to ending bullying. This can also be said for domestic violence. When we learn to treat others with understanding, compassion, and caring about the feelings of another, then and only then will we see progress. If children witness hatred, abuse and violence in their homes, how can they know to treat others with kindness? Another reason why some kids are so angry is the fact that they are abused themselves.

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Ephesians 6:4 teaches – “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” Many children grow up in hellish environments with an abusive caregiver short circuiting their development with abuse. The helplessness they feel is often transferred to their peers or siblings. The little abusers often grow up to be big abusers – weighing more, taller, more powerful – and capable of much more damage to others.

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Barnes’ Notes on the Bible

“And ye fathers – A command addressed particularly to “fathers,” because they are at the head of the family, and its government is especially committed to them. The object of the apostle here is, to show parents that their commands should be such that they can be easily obeyed, or such as are entirely reasonable and proper. If children are required to “obey,” it is but reasonable that the commands of the parent should be such that they can be obeyed, or such that the child shall not be discouraged in his attempt to obey.”

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“Provoke not your children to wrath – That is, by unreasonable commands; by needless severity; by the manifestation of anger. So govern them, and so punish them – if punishment is necessary – that they shall not lose their confidence in you, but shall love you. The apostle here has hit on the very danger to which parents are most exposed in the government of their children. It is that of souring their temper; of making them feel that the parent is under the influence of anger, and that it is right for them to be so too. This is done:

(1) when the commands of a parent are unreasonable and severe. The spirit of a child then becomes irritated, and he is “discouraged;” Colossians 3:21.

(2) when a parent is evidently “excited” when he punishes a child. The child then feels:

(a) that if his “father” is angry, it is not wrong for him to be angry; and,

(b) the very fact of anger in a parent kindles anger in his bosom – just as it does when two men are contending.”

The opposite is permissive parenting. There are parents who see no wrong in much of anything their child does. Therefore, if there are no consequences at home, a bully will not expect them elsewhere.

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Proverbs 19:18 “Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.”

Proverbs 22:15 “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.”

Proverbs 23:13 “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.”

Proverbs 23:14 “Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.”

Proverbs 29:15 “The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.”

NOTE: The above scriptures are not referring to physical abuse – beatings with ironing cords, sticks, bats, or any type of abusive corrections.

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The bully that sleeps beside you at night may have been angered and hurt by a parent or caregiver. Or, he or she has lived a life of entitlement, and therefore expects everyone to bow to their every whim. Yes, children are influenced by society – peer pressure, movies, television, and a host of other inventions of the devil. However, it is within our homes that we breed little terrorist who become tomorrow’s abusers.

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The only way parents are going to promote “empathy” in the home is with the Word of God.

American King James Version
“All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:”

The Bully Project is a wonderful idea. Surely it will take a village for “bystanders” to become “upstanders.” However without changed hearts, and walking in a new direction – spiritually – this and many other efforts to cease violence within our society may prove to be in vain. I am not putting their efforts down, but I am emphasizing the teaching of God’s Word in our homes and our church environments. Our heavenly Father is no longer welcome in our schools; therefore Christian parents especially are responsible for the spiritual wellbeing of their children.

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We have a whole generation of young people lost and out of control. It seems like people are making babies, and leaving them to fend for themselves. The “village” is gone; Christian parenting is falling by the wayside; the sensuality of the world has captured the hearts and minds of our young; the devil is killing kids with drugs and alcohol; teen pregnancy is now a badge of honor; domestic violence is warping young minds and short circuiting their God given potential – and our churches for the most part preach prosperity to a dying world – why?

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The next time you watch the bully in your bed slumber, remember that it is not your fault that he or she is the way they are. Someone failed them somewhere along the line, and it was not you. The mold was set, the die cast long before your paths crossed. Your bully could have been a terror on the playground, threw chairs in kindergarten, or broke his little sister’s arm – but he is still without excuse for what he does to you. The bully in your bed is responsible for his actions – and no one else. YOU  the abused – CANNOT “FIX” A BULLY!

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Many children grow up with violence and abuse, but they choose not to do unto others what has been done to them. Violence is a choice – from the bully on the playground to the bully in your life. ABUSERS ARE BULLIES! Make no mistake about it. Get help – get free.

Peace.

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Video Of Bully Victim Casey Heynes Bodyslamming His Bully

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Study: Schoolyard Bullies Four Times More Likely to Abuse Spouses as Adults

“Research does indicate that in many cases, the bullies are getting their behavior from somewhere. They have witnessed like behavior,” said Warner. “One of the biggest risk factors is their environment.”

“The study also found a link between “bullying others at school and perpetration of IPV (intimate partner violence].”

“It was the latest study to indicate that many bullies do not outgrow their aggression. Past research has shown that bullies are at a higher risk of bullying their own kids, losing a job, and getting involved in the criminal justice system.”

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Bullies face prosecution in domestic violence crackdown

“Men who bully or abuse their partners in a “controlling” fashion could face criminal charges under a shake-up of domestic violence laws being planned by ministers.”

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Violence in the Family by Deborah Carpenter with Christopher J. Ferguson, Ph.D.

…”what if what the little girl sees is mommy yelling at the bank teller, insulting the grocery clerk, and badmouthing the other moms in the playgroup? And what if the young boy sees his father berating his mother, insulting the dinner she’s made, and tossing his fork across the room after he pronounces the evening meal disgusting and inedible? What if these kids witness more severe forms of domestic violence? What then?”

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Bullying is Domestic Violence At Work

The abuser is on the payroll!

“In 98% of domestic violence cases, the perpetrator is the man. In bullying, the majority of abusers, 62%, are male; women are famously perpetrators, too. So, regardless of gender, the bully-abuser dehumanizes her or his prey. She can have such contempt for the target that she refuses to grant even the minimal respect due to a fellow human being. Dehumanization enables the severe mistreatment. When the recipient is not seen as an equal, it is easy to denigrate, belittle and humiliate. The target is a lesser-than object not deserving decent treatment.”

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Domestic Violence and the Holocaust — 10 Similarities

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Movie Review: Bully – Uncovering The Desperate Cries For Help

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How does a Child become a Bully?

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Police handcuff Ga. kindergartner for tantrum

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stopbullying.gov

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THE BULLY ROUNDUP

“Bullies aren’t all big and muscle-y. Bullies come in all shapes and sizes — and it’s not like you can tell who they are by what they look like. You can only tell a bully by their actions — they make themselves feel powerful by threatening, embarrassing, or hurting others. If you have ever been around a bully or been picked on by a bully, you know how hurtful they can be. But, there are things you can do to stay out of a bully’s way.”

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BULLYING AMONG GIRLS

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The ABCs of Bullying
Addressing, Blocking, and Curbing School Aggression

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Bullying in America’s schools

(This link has many videos to view on bullying)

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Domestic Violence class for Bullies

“Bullies in school who bully other children are guilty of domestic abuse.”

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NJ bully’s paralyzing punch nets $4.2M settlement

“Sawyer was punched in the abdomen at school on May 16, 2006, dropping him to his knees. When he came home that day he complained of pain in his back but otherwise felt fine, his father, Joel Rosenstein, told The Record of Woodland Park.

Two days later, the seventh-grader let out a scream in his bedroom.

“We picked him up and called an ambulance,” the father told the newspaper. “He hasn’t walked since.”

The blow had caused a clot in a major artery that supplies blood to his spine, leaving him paralyzed from the waist down from what his attorney described as an “incredibly rare” injury.

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“This action-packed family film stars Steve Austin as Dan Barnes, a former pro boxer who retired after growing weary of his violent existence. Now a school janitor, Dan tries to help a new student, Matthew Miller (Daniel Magder), who is being targeted by bullies. While Matthew learns how to box and stand up to his tormenters, one of whom is the school boxing champ, Dan’s newfound role as a teacher helps him come to terms with his tumultuous past.”     http://movies.netflix.com/movie/Knockout/70170176

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‘Bye dad’: Last words of boy who was bullied at school for months before he leapt off motorway bridge

By Daily Mail Reporter
UPDATED:03:24 EST, 21 May 2010

“A quiet, studious and sensitive youngster, despite being an ‘exemplary’ pupil, school prefect and destined to study computing and business at university, the youngster told his father the school had ‘ruined my life’ then ran to a bridge over the M6 motorway and leapt over the side.”

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Can a Kid Be a Psychopath?

“I’ve always said that Michael will grow up to be either a Nobel Prize winner or a serial killer,” his mother, Anne, tells Jennifer Kahn in a recent shocking New York Times Magazine article. At age 9, her son has an extreme temper, lashing out violently and deliberately and showing no empathy or remorse. He’s intelligent, cold, calculating, and explosive. “It takes a toll,” she says, explaining her comment. “There’s not a lot of joy and happiness in raising Michael.”

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Some healing for woman bullied as a teen

“A woman who was bullied mercilessly in high school 25 years ago has gotten some closure from a class reunion page on Facebook.”

“Lynda Frederick, a graduate of Orange Glen High in Escondido, Calif., in 1987, posted a heartbreaking poem about her experience on her school’s 25th class reunion page.”

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Florida Mom Arrested for Choking 14-Year-Old Bully Offers Advice to Parents

“They have all these anti-bully laws but, when it comes down to it, it falls on deaf ears.”

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http://spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 20092012
All rights reserved.

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Posted by on April 15, 2012 in VIOLENCE AMONG US

 

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DO BATTERER COUNSELING PROGRAMS WORK?

Cover of

Cover of The Batterer: A Psychological Profile

By Terry Loving

“Critics say the problem with the programs is that they ignore research linking domestic violence to substance abuse and psychological problems, such as attachment disorders, traced to childhood abuse or neglect.”

“But the protocol stresses that substance abuse is not the cause of domestic violence. And it prohibits the programs from stressing therapy, including couples counseling, as treatment.

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I suspect many abused women would happily remain with the men that beat them if they could just get some help and change. Not every abused man or woman desires to end their marriage or relationship. There are a lot of “good” qualities that their abusers possess – according to the abused – thus, it is difficult to view their abusers as total jerks that take pleasure in hurting them.

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As well as our religious institutions, many mental health agencies are ill-equipped to deal with the onslaught of abusers within our society. Often times, a judge may order an abuser to attend domestic violence and abuse programs. But do they really rehabilitate violent tempers, and bring peace to homicidal-raging souls? Do the programs address inner pain, childhood abuse, substance abuse, spiritual issues, and financial problems – in other words – the full dynamics of what makes up a person’s complete character? Can these programs promise that a batterer will not repeat the violence that landed him in jail in the first place?

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I am not knocking the hard work that many professionals and religious folk utilize to change violent and abusive behaviors – I just want to know if their methods work. Are there any testimonials that other batterers can be encouraged by to know that change is possible for them as well? Does one size fit all? What will it take for change? Have any batterers gone back to being violent and abusive after attending a program?

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“The stakes are high: One large study found that the most important reason for a victim to take an abuser back was his decision to attend one of these intervention programs.” 1

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“Peter Diessel fidgeted as he sat at a table with other men who had physically abused women. It was his latest attempt to change behavior that stretches back 18 years. His problem, he told the group, had surfaced shortly after his honeymoon.”

“That’s when I started getting abusive,” Diessel said later, recalling the moment when he first violently laid hands on his wife.”

“Diessel, 42, a long-married suburban businessman, has sought a variety of professional help. He said substance-abuse treatment made him stop physically abusing his wife.

But their relationship hasn’t improved, even with couples counseling and his involvement in the Rolling Meadows program, which he signed up for at her urging.

“Changing the way you think, you perceive, you react, is very difficult,” he said.

His wife, Denise, said their relationship has gotten worse since Diessel entered the batterer intervention program. She doubts any treatment can improve their relationship.

“I’m starting to think there’s no hope,” she said.” 2

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The above quote brings out a very good point. Can a couple go back to “happily ever after” once the batterer completes a mandated/volunteer program? According to “Denise,” their relationship had gotten “worst” although her husband stopped hitting her. Could it be that much damage was done to the relationship? Love diminished? Could it be that the husband – once enlightened – was consumed with guilt for his actions? Could it be that the abused will always be on guard – and never able to freely be themselves in the relationship again due to fear?

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If couples counseling possibly places the abused at risk for more abuse, when does the abused get to tell their story? How will the batterer know how the abused really feels? If they get separate counseling, will the issues that plague their relationship get resolved? Both are in need of some type of counseling, but it is often dangerous for the abused to expose events of the violence and abuse beyond closed doors. How does the healing begin?

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“At the recent gathering in Rolling Meadows, the men ranged in age from the early 20s to middle-age. They sat around a table while the female facilitators prodded them to discuss conflict in their relationships. Some were eager to share; others stared at the ceiling or picked at their nails.”

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If Christians believe that the Word of God is life changing, and I for one believe it is – then why aren’t there more Christian churches involved with eliminating domestic violence and abuse from our society? Could it be that most religious bodies haven’t figured out how to combat this evil amongst them first? Concerning the religious institutions that are on the front lines, are they effective? If not, why not?

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Once a batterer enters a program, will he be honest concerning his feelings and his actions? Will he man-up and admit that he has a problem – or does he see the cause of his anger issues outside of himself? It is no secret that abusers will lie and makes excuses for their behavior. Not only will they lie to their partners, but to society – and even to themselves. Here are some of the lies they tell, and excuses for violence and abuse:

  • “I just need to be understood.”
  • “I had a bad childhood.”
  • “I can’t control it.”
  • “I get angry.”
  • “She fights too.”
  • “She pushes my buttons.”
  • “If I don’t control her, she will control me.”
  • “My smashing things isn’t abusive, it’s venting.”
  • “I have a lot of stress in my life.”
  • “I just have an anger management problem.”
  • “I just have a problem when I drink or use drugs.”3

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In conclusion, domestic violence is not a mental health issue. If mental health professionals were to conclude such findings, then they serve to justify every flimsy excuse for this atrocity. Domestic violence is a SIN issue, and the sooner our society recognizes this fact, the sooner we will be able to put together the necessary all-encompassing programs that will address the needs of those who are violent and abusive. Perhaps there will be more agencies working together with faith-based institutions.

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I don’t believe that addressing the abusive adult, and ignoring the childhood that shapes a person is beneficial. Also, one cannot force God and spiritual beliefs upon another, yet – how can we leave out the spiritual side of mankind when addressing social ills? We didn’t magically appear upon the earth and poof, here we are – we were created by an awesome Creator. How can we ignore the soul when it is a part of our created bodies?

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New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

New International Version (©1984)
The soul who sins is the one who will die. The son will not share the guilt of the father, nor will the father share the guilt of the son. The righteousness of the righteous man will be credited to him, and the wickedness of the wicked will be charged against him.

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New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“The person who sins will die. The son will not bear the punishment for the father’s iniquity, nor will the father bear the punishment for the son’s iniquity; the righteousness of the righteous will be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked will be upon himself.

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Our souls are responsible for thought, actions, decisions, feelings, anger, sadness, happiness, ego and our characters. The Bible says the “soul who sins” is basically saying, the “person” who sins “will die.” So, unless batterer counseling and intervention programs include the spiritual side of mankind, they won’t be effective – at least in the long run. There will be some who will cease to batter; however, this is not the norm. Even if the battering stops, many soul issues with go unaddressed, and the possibility of the battering returning is quite possible.

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God fashioned us to be humans that have a physical body that houses our spirit (eternal side), and our souls that are groomed, taught, sinned against, trained, and possess all of our feelings and actions. How can we ignore such a vital part of rehabilitation? Domestic violence counseling will fail, not because the programs are no good, but because they lack all of the major components that address the whole of the abusers. The power to change begins with repentance – repenting to a Holy God, and acknowledging wrong. When we agree with God that we have sinned, only then can we open our arms to change – and the healing will commence. What we learn, we can un-learn. It may take time, but, with God – all things are possible.

REPENTANCE = ACCOUNTABILITY

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1 http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-abusers-02-jan02,0,1147422.story

2 http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-abusers-02-jan02,0,1147422.story?page=2

3 http://www.acadv.org/abusers.html

http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

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“Even in programs considered to be successful, only a small percentage of men who batter will ever stop abusing.”Lundy Bancroft

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NEW YORK MODEL FOR BATTERER PROGRAMS

“It’s NOT What You Think!”

“Men can change. However, batterer programs are not an effective vehicle.”

“…batterer programs don’t reliably work. At best, results are inconclusive. And those programs that purport to achieve some individual change indicate, by their own admission that “successes” are few and far between. What batterer programs do give, unfortunately, is a false sense of security that a man will be fixed simply because he is enrolled in a program.”

“Focusing on ‘fixing,’ ‘treating’ or ‘rehabilitating’ men who are abusive inevitably detracts energy and resources better placed on changing systems, social norms and community response efforts.”

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“Treatment’ or ‘rehabilitation’ suggests individual pathology.
The NY Model does not define domestic violence as an individual pathology but rather as a manifestation of sexism, deeply rooted in the history, law and culture of the United States. Furthermore, centuries of patriarchy have defined men’s relationship to women in terms of ownership and entitlement, making it men’s right and responsibility to control the woman who is “his,” and to use a wide array of strategies to do so.”

THE RAVE PROJECT ONLINE LEARNING

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IS HE REALLY GOING TO CHANGE THIS TIME?

Couples Counseling Won’t Stop His Violence

“Your partner may try to get you to go to couples counseling, telling you that you both have a problem and should work on it together. Couples counseling is never appropriate when one partner is choosing to use violence against the other. You do not have a “relationship” problem that needs to be addressed – he is using violence and coercion to get what he wants. Couples counseling can only work when both partners feel free to express their issues, concerns and desires freely. If one partner exerts power and control over the other, there is no basis for counseling that is free from fear and intimidation.”

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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN THE COURT SYSTEM

AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT TO EXPECT

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EMERGE

Because Wanting to Stop is NOT Enough

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SEXISM

Another hurdle to overcome.

WHEN SHE HITS HIM FIRST

THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES NO MATTER WHO DOES THE HITTING.

Emotional Abuse: Why Anger Management Didn’t Work

Learning to Unclench Their Fists

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.

 
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Posted by on July 12, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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GOD HATES DIVORCE – And VIOLENCE! – Part 2

By Terry Loving

“Better a bit of dry bread in peace, than a house full of feasting and violent behaviour.”  Proverbs 17:1

MALACHAI 2:16

The most misused, misunderstood, and misquoted verse in the Bible concerning God’s hatred of divorce. God hates violence more than He hates divorce, for it kills and destroys those who were created in His image. Misuse of scripture turns the abused away from God – causing many to be eternally lost. I ask again, which is the greater sin?

For days this topic stirred within my soul. I knew there was a real truth out there somewhere, and today, PRAISE GOD – the Holy Spirit led me to it. Below are the links to a four part series titled:

“When Love Hurts: Understanding and Healing Domestic Abuse, When Abuse is Worse than Divorce”

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Listen to the stories of the abused. Hear bold and humbled ministers of God speak the truth about abuse and divorce. The misunderstood scripture, Malachi 2:16 will be explained and provide true Biblical clarity. Yes, marriage is precious in the sight of God. However, it is NOT His will that the abused honor Him by submitting to beat downs and mistreatment. Abusers refuse to submit to the Will of God, and sin as a result – “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church.” This is not a request. It is the Will of God.

OK, here are the links to the best resource I have found on this subject. Please be patient, as they are about 26-30 minutes long. It will be worth your time invested – I promise you!

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“When a bride takes her vows, she doesn’t expect violence to mark her marriage. But sadly, for some that is the case. It’s probable that you know someone who is the victim of verbal or physical abuse: a neighbor, a daughter, a sister, or a friend. This powerful 4-part series pulls back the curtain on the dark secret of abuse and offers hope and help to those caught in its painful cycle.”

When Love Hurts: Understanding and Healing Domestic Abuse, When Abuse is Worse than Divorce, Part I

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When Love Hurts: Understanding and Healing Domestic Abuse, When Submission is Misused, Part II

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When Love Hurts: Understanding and Healing Domestic Abuse, When Apologies are Dangerous, Part III

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When Love Hurts: Understanding and Healing Domestic Abuse, When the Church is Needed Most, Part IV

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“So when a daughter, sister, or friend tells a personal story of marital abuse, we need to be careful. Let’s believe them until we have reason not to. And if their plight is real, they don’t need to be told again about headship, submission, forgiveness, and the threat of losing church membership. They need to know that the God of Moses and Jesus cares not only about marital permanence, but also for those who are caught in abuse that is worse than protective separation and divorce.”

Father in heaven, forgive us for multiplying the pain of those who are living with abusively hard-hearted spouses. Please give us the wisdom we need to offer help and consolation to those who are grieving lost hopes and dreams. –Mart De Haan

http://www.rbc.org/bible-study/been-thinking-about/2007/10/01/column.aspx

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GOD HATES DIVORCE – And VIOLENCE! – Part 1

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NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE REGISTRY

“It’s time for all to date responsibly, know who you are  dating and what secrets lie in their past. We help you foster greater awareness of your dating choices! This Knowledge will Save Your Life!!!”

http://www.domesticviolencedatabase.org/default-db.asp

DATE RESPONSIBLY

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The Danger Assessment

The Danger Assessment helps to determine the level of danger an abused woman has of being killed by her intimate partner. It is free and available to the public. Using the Danger Assessment requires the weighted scoring and interpretation that is provided after completing the training. The Danger Assessment is available in a variety of languages.

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org


No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.

 
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Posted by on March 30, 2011 in DOMESTIC VIOLENCE/DIVORCE

 

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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE-When She Hits Him First

By Terry Loving

The recent murder of Bobby Tilman shed light on a subject – in my mind – that is often overlooked – females striking males. Tilman attended a house party where a “fight broke out between two females and two males…one of the females hit a male.”1 If the male who was “slapped” had not allowed his inner rage to kill a man, his perceived self-control may have been commendable. If he pats himself on the back and says, “At least I didn’t hit a woman,” his self-praise is worthless.

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I have personally known women who struck the first blow, sometimes involving knives, bricks, and anything that was close by. Some of the women were just as tough as their men, and fought like men who bled, and lived to fight another day. These women would bleed from busted lips, cuts on their faces and body, but they stayed in these destructive relationships until death took one or the other – due to ill-health or violence. One woman was told by her doctor, “You should have left a long time ago.”

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The news articles that I have read didn’t mention why the female at the party slapped the male. Perhaps the public will be enlightened as the trial of the four accused murderers commences. At this point it can only be assumed that something was said to offend the female, or her body was touched purposely – or accidentally in a manner that displeased her. We will have to wait and see.

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(DID SHE REALLY THINK SHE COULD BEAT THIS MAN? And who are they representing – certainly not God!)

AN EMBARRASSMENT TO THE BODY OF CHRIST!!!!!

In either case, women have been slapping men for centuries. Usually when a male is slapped, he offended the female in such a way that she felt her honor was attacked. One thing for sure in the case of Bobby Tilman’s murder is this – the slap triggered anger – the anger needed an outlet – and “…the next man that walked by…” was the scapegoat.

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It is my hope that we all learn a valuable lesson concerning what happened in Douglasville – violence solves nothing. When a female hits first, she is contributing to the violence in our society as much as the male who hits her back. And what are we teaching our children? When daddy says something wrong, “slap him?” When mommy makes a mistake – “beat her?” When you go to a party, take a gun – “just in case?” If someone looks at you wrong, “kill them?”

“The LORD tests the righteous and the wicked, And the one who loves violence His soul hates.”   (Psalm 11:5- NASB)

1 THE SENSELESS MURDER OF BOBBY TILMAN

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WHY ABUSED MEN DON’T SPEAK OUT

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10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully

by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

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ABUSIVE WOMEN

(Click link for more)

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Getting Past Justifying Abuse

HEART 2 HEART – SUPPORT NETWORK AND SELF-HELP DATABASE FOR MEN

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE!

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VIOLENCE BEGETS VIOLENCE

Amber Portwood with boyfriend Gary Shirley

“‘TEEN MOM’ star charged with domestic violence felonies.”

“According to police documents, on August 14, 2009, Portwood shoved Shirley against a wall, slapped him on the face and choked him,” Carroll said. “The incident was witnessed by the couple’s 1-year-old child who sat in a child seat on a nearby bed.”


http://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/celebrity.news.gossip/11/18/teen.mom.charged/index.html?hpt=T2

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TEEN MOM COULD LOSE HER DAUGHTER

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Working with Violent Women

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“THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT!”

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Mom slaps referee during daughter’s soccer game in Forsyth County

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Forgetting birthday gift gets man slapped and woman put in jail

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Controversial app lets you beat up your boyfriend

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boyfriend-trainer-top630

THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES NO MATTER WHO DOES THE HITTING.

http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

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© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.

 
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Posted by on November 17, 2010 in EXCUSES FOR VIOLENCE/ABUSE

 

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