RSS

Tag Archives: People

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND THE DISABLED

By Terry Loving

One has to be lower than low to abuse anyone, especially someone who is disabled. Living with physical or other types of disabling bodily ailments is tough enough. Yet, many who suffer in their bodies must also endure violence and abuse from their mates, caregivers, and evil hearts that just don’t care. Unfortunately, no one is exempt, men, women, children – abuse does not discriminate.

…………………………………….

We hear much about domestic violence and abuse, but rarely do we acknowledge that disabled women suffer abuse much longer, and more frequently than non-disabled women. In fact, injuries that the disabled suffer tend to be more severe in nature.

…………………………………….

Disabled women are twice as likely to experience domestic violence than non-disabled women (1995 British Crime Survey, also confirmed by data from other countries). They are also likely to experience abuse over a longer period of time and to suffer more severe injuries as a result of the violence.” 1

Ok, I just stated this fact, but you needed to hear from the source for yourselves.

Many agencies that help battered women have not incorporated accessibility needs for battered disabled women. For most agencies, disability accommodations are new territory, and they weren’t prepared for the great need that they now face. No one could have predicted the epidemic of domestic violence that our society faces daily. Therefore, there is still much to be done to assist the many that flee from this atrocity. Even those who provide “disability-related services” are ill-prepared to “deal with issues of abuse.”

…………………………………….

Imagine a woman needing a wheelchair to get around, and her abuser denies her access to it. Or withholding much needed medications, or not assisting with dressing or bathing, eating, and things the disabled cannot do for themselves. The disabled are more vulnerable to abuse, for in most cases they totally depend on their abusers for survival. Physical limitations also make it much more difficult to leave the hell they must endure daily.

…………………………………….

One study noted – “Women with disabilities experienced all types of abuse (emotional, physical, or sexual) for significantly longer periods of time than women without disabilities.”  The risk factors for abuse are the same as they are for non-disabled women. Often times it is difficult for non-disabled women to escape the violence and abuse. Escape is much more problematic for the disabled. Many are on fixed incomes, and cannot work, or they have limited abilities such as mobility or other barriers.

…………………………………….

Most abusers socially isolate the abused, forbidding them to have friends or contact with family. They will purposely move the unsuspecting far away from support, family and friends to establish complete control. In the case of the disabled, their limitation to connect with others is often their disability. Deaf women feel lost in a hearing world, especially when there is no one to communicate with them via sign language – except their abusers.

…………………………………….

Children are also vulnerable to abuse from their siblings. Often, the non-disabled brothers and sisters resent having to include their disabled sibling in their everyday lives. If they are given the task of care giving while mother runs errands, they are often resentful and abuse the helpless child. I repeat, abuse does not discriminate – anyone can be abused by those we least expect it from.

…………………………………….

If you are disabled and abused, please know that there is hope for you. There are agencies that are now recognizing the issue of accessibility, and accommodations to help you move life forward. There is much room for advocacy in this area, and who knows – perhaps you are the one that God will use to bring this matter before the world. Don’t give up. Whatever information that I find that will help you, I will post it.

…………………………………….

By the way, I understand the trial of having a disability that affects every area of life. I am hearing impaired, and I know what it is like to be excluded by friends, family and society in general. I know the pain of being shunned, laughed at, made fun of, and treated badly due to a disability that I never expected would be a part of my life. I also have physical limitations due to an accident. But my God is ever so good to me. I praise Him through the pain and trials, and keep moving. I look forward to heaven someday, but in the meantime – I use the gifts He has bestowed upon me to help others.

…………………………………….

Many people think that life is all about them – their comfort, material possessions and having a good time. I have learned through many hardships that God uses them all to shape and mold us to conform to the likeness of His image. If only we tried to do that much, the world would be a better place. I have a heart for the things of God, and my love reaches out to all who are abused – especially the most vulnerable. In a way I can thank those who excluded me; it caused me to draw closer to my Heavenly Father. I don’t regret that at all. Don’t give up!

Peace

…………………………………….

1 http://www.bcm.edu/crowd/national_study/ABUSE.htm

DISABLED ABUSE RESOURCES

Disabled Women & Abuse

Domestic Violence & Disabled Women

www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission. © Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009 All rights reserved.

Protected by Copyscape Web Plagiarism Detector

Advertisements
 
4 Comments

Posted by on May 17, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Home Is Where The Hurt Is

Grandville : Cent Proverbes

Image via Wikipedia

Home. What comes to your mind when you think of the word home? Should this not be a place where you can get away from it all? Leave the cares of the world behind and retreat to that special place? Does a warm feeling come over you when you travel towards home – excited that you are going to a place that you love? Does home represent a place where you can finally be yourself, after putting on a front for co-workers all week? Is it a place where you are accepted, and free to express yourself? Is your home governed by the Will of God, or the depths of hell?

For too many, the latter is the case – hell is unleashed in their homes – daily. If you have ever wondered what it is like to experience hell on earth, ask a person trapped by domestic violence and abuse. Better yet, ask me – been there. It is a feeling like no other – being  afraid to go home. I have experienced the dread both as a child and as an adult. School, playing outside, and visiting family was my escape as a child. Church services, employment, and visiting friends helped me to stomach going home as an adult. As a child I feared coming home to a dead mother. As an adult, I feared going to jail, as I vowed not to live my mother’s life – alcoholism, violence and abuse.

………………………………………

When my verbally abusive, ex-husband was not at home – super! Life was somewhat normal for my children and I, except for the constant knot in my stomach. I am sure the kids felt their own sense of anxiety; mostly they just tried to be kids. When it was time for my ex to arrive home, the knot in my stomach worsened, and I would always feel like I was going to vomit. Everyone was always on alert for criticism, and braced for the yelling when something was found amiss. It was tough for imperfect people to try to live perfect lives just to please a tyrant. No matter the effort, it was always in vain.

I can only imagine the intensified, hellish environment endured when there are no outside interests. I would have lost my mind if I didn’t have a job to go to, or other activities outside of the home to divert my attention. Even if the trade-off is financial security, I cannot see any woman allowing herself to be beaten so that she can maintain a certain lifestyle – it happens though – frequently.

………………………………………

Out of the five years of marriage, the last four were my reasons for seeking a divorce. I didn’t want to go to jail, and have my kids taken away from me. Mind you, I am not a violent person, however, I am aware of that “something” deep inside of me that may cause me to snap. I can’t put a name to it, but I know it is there. Some may label it PTSD, I imagine that is possible, especially after all that I have endured. After witnessing my mother and so many women being beat down to nothing, I made up my mind as a child that I was not going to live that way. If it meant that I would have no man in my life at all, so be it! The one year anniversary was the beginning of things going downhill quickly. I knew I had to leave, soon.

I want to share a fictional story with you. Reason being, it depicts the lives of many abused women who are trapped. The story is so real it touched my heart. It is my hope that those who cannot understand why a woman would stay in a hellish situation will also read the story. There is a part one, and part two, as well as mature audience subject matter. After reading this story of a once strong woman stripped of her self-worth, please share your comments on this post. There may be other women who can benefit from your experiences.

http://www.kathrynjaneway2000.com/WhenHomeIsWhereTheHurtIs1.html

………………………………………

Home should be a safe haven for all people. It is a sad day when love is no longer found at home.

Here is another article worth reading:

“Mary never knew what would trigger her husband’s rages. One evening he spotted rotting lettuce in the refrigerator. Furious, the Charlotte, N.C., bank executive threw her to the floor and jammed her head into the vegetable bin. Tami first found out about the dark side of her husband, a young California minister, when she placed a cassette into the tape player backward. Suddenly livid, he grabbed her by the hair and threw her against the wall. Recalls Sue Ellen, whose college-professor lover left her with broken bones in her face, hand and foot: “I was like a wounded animal. I crawled into a hole. It was so horrible I couldn’t believe it.”

………………………………………
Better a bit of dry bread in peace, than a house full of feasting and violent behaviour.
Proverbs 17:1 – (Bible In Basic English Version)
**
Better is a dish of vegetables where love is than a fattened ox served with hatred.
Proverbs 15:17 – (NASB)
**
WHEN IT’S TIME TO LEAVE – Resources
………………………………………

VIOLENCE IN OUR HOMES

………………………………………

KEEPING OUR HOMES SAFE

THE SHADE TREE – Sheltering women, their children and pets.

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on August 11, 2010 in It's A Family Thing

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

HE HAS A NEW LOVE-AND IT HURTS!

 

Married Couple

Image via Wikipedia

By Terry Loving

He beat you, said all kinds of terrible things to and about you; threw you down the stairs; stressed you out to the point of you getting ill; lied to you about everything; made your life so miserable that you want to die, and yet – you are jealous that he has another woman. After all that you have suffered, you would think that you’d be happy that some other woman has taken that maniac off of your hands. Instead, you lie awake at night, thinking about your ex-abuser and his new love.

……………………………………….

Whether a relationship ends on equal terms, or because of violence and abuse, we always wonder about the new love in the life of our ex. Even if we have moved on, remarried and are reasonably happy with our new lives, the curiosity is still there. A past memory may bring to mind a romantic picnic, or a memorable family holiday. In the case of domestic violence and abuse, the curiosity concerning the new love interest may serve to intensify the painful memories that we try so hard to forget. The bully is gone, moved on with someone new – and you can’t do the same, why?

……………………………………….

The abused have many reasons why they feel emotionally, mentally and perhaps spiritually attached to an ex-abuser. For one thing, it took years to get beat down to not loving yourself, and it will take years to heal and learn to set healthy boundaries. In my case, it took me a long time to just like myself, for I spent many quiet moments wondering – “What did I do?” “What did I say?” “Where did I miss the signs?” “Why doesn’t he love me?” “Why did he bloody my nose?” “Can I ever do enough?” “How in the world did I get into this mess?”

……………………………………….

If the new woman is perceived to be prettier, younger, has a nice body, or other physical attributes that we zone in on, you start to compare, and jealousy rears its ugly head. You the abused, are left in a mess in every way; barely getting out of bed in the morning, and now you have to experience a slap in the face – again. You thought about moving to a new neighborhood, but your finances are in shambles. When you ex got fired from his job, you took care of everything, including him. And now you are financially broke and broken hearted.

……………………………………….

Don’t be fooled by what you see on the outside. The abuser hasn’t changed his ways, just partners. In time –unfortunately – his new love will see him for what he is – violent and out of control. There is no need, nor is it recommended that you should warn her of the dangers of dating him – she won’t listen. Rest assured that the perpetrator has convinced the new woman in his life that his former girl-friend, (you) were nothing but “trouble.” Think about it, do you honestly believe that he will tell her that the relationship ended because he tired of using and abusing you – and he needed fresh meat? You are not a challenge anymore. He beat you down so low that you don’t even fight back, verbally or otherwise. In his eyes, “You are no fun!”

……………………………………….

Here’s the real truth. One of the reasons that your abuser mistreated you is because you could not fix all that is wrong with him. As expectations go, new couples are high on the possibility that they have found the person who will complete them. Only God can complete human beings, for He made us. Disappointment sets in when the fantasy wears off, and true personas emerge – hence the violence and abuse.

……………………………………….

It does no good to needlessly worry your mind with false notions that the new woman will be treated much better than you were. Give it time, and she will be a prisoner of tainted love just as you were. And know this; marriage will only trap her in a hell that you should be grateful to God that you escaped. Instead of leaving notes on her car or finding other ways to warn her, pray for her – she may not make it out alive as you have.

Most of all get some help! The sooner you find healing for yourself, the quicker you will get over your abuser. You will never forget the awful experiences, but you will be able to move on – if that is your desire.

……………………………………….

The more you fantasize about your ex-abuser and his new love, the more you will make yourself sick. The sicker you are, the less productive you will be, and they will move on while you are still stuck. In fact, you will hinder your own progress to turn your life around. Be happy; be glad; REJOICE! You are free! You no longer have to endure abuse from a sick mind and perverted heart. He has found another unsuspecting soul to destroy from the inside out. In time, you will heal if you allow God to provide the healing balm that your soul is crying out for.

……………………………………….

Whatever you and your ex used to do together, find something else to do. You must renew your mind, and change your routine. Spend your precious brain power on positive ways to change your life, and not on wishing what could have happened in the relationship. Wishful thinking just keeps you stuck, angry, disappointed, and down on your-self. LET IT GO! Replace every negative thought with a positive. Don’t hang around people who feel sorry for themselves, or people who need to make you feel bad so that they can feel good.

……………………………………….

Most of all PRAY! Ask God for help to overcome your pain. The blood of our Lord cleanses us spiritually, and renews our spirits in Him. This world is passing away, and the only important thing in life is preparing to spend eternity somewhere. Don’t let the devil throw you off track and miss heaven. Loneliness may hurt for a while, but at least you will live.

“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”

(Romans 12:2)

You can do it with the help of Jesus Christ.

DO YOU REALLY MISS HIM?

………………………………

http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.

 

 
5 Comments

Posted by on August 9, 2010 in LEAVING ABUSE

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

STINK-STINK ALL GONE!

The first words I heard my eldest grand-daughter speak were, “Stink-stink all gone!” I had just changed her pamper, and she repeated what I had said to her. Needless to say, I marveled at those cute words coming from her precious lips.

While cleaning my house one day, I thought about those words and how they may relate to the pain of life that we often experience. When we are going through heavy trials and tribulations, it doesn’t feel good, and we want them all gone – get to the other side – and feel good again. We want the  “Stink-stink all gone” – NOW! Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could wrap the stink of our lives in a soiled pamper and discard it forever? It would be nice to put our stinky troubles behind us that easily – but would we really learn anything from our mistakes?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The stink of violence, abuse, molestation, murder, and many other social ills plague our minds and hearts daily; causing many to despair of life itself. A woman enduring domestic violence and abuse lives with the stink of dominance and control – day after day. If she is fortunate to survive and free herself from the violence, the painful stink will be a part of her life forever.

Since we cannot run away from our memories, and the triggers that remind us of the stink we desire to forget, how do we move on? How do the abused get on with life, and put the abuse behind them? Is it easy to feel good about yourself ever again – if you ever did in the first place? Is it possible for children who witnessed domestic violence to live “normal” lives? By the way, what exactly is “normal?”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

As a survivor of domestic violence, spiritual abuse, economic injustice and growing up with violent drunks, I can honestly admit, the road to recovery isn’t an easy one. By the Grace of God, each day I strive to learn more about myself and my feelings, and try to put the stink behind me. I have also concluded that the stink of child molestation will never leave me, however, I believe that God can transform the “stink-stink” of my past, and trade me beauty for ashes:

“He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of the LORD’s favor has come, and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.” (Isaiah 61:2 – New Living Translation)

”To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.” (Isaiah 61:1 – King James Version)

And what is the key? “Blessed is the man [or woman] who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD.” (Jeremiah 17:7 – New American Standard Bible)

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The only way to the other side of the stink is by trusting God. But know this; you can’t trust the God of heaven if you don’t know anything about Him. By reading His Word – the Holy Bible, this is where we learn His true heart; and His desire for an intimate relationship with each and every one of us. Start with the Psalms, and see how King David learned to lean on and trust Almighty God:

“I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.” (Psalm 91:2 – KJV)

It took me a while to learn to trust God. Growing up in my mother’s house, I could trust no one – not even the woman who gave birth to me – she betrayed me for alcohol. My trust in God led me to search online for a place where I could pour out my heart, and receive the healing that my heavenly Father was offering to me. Adult children of alcoholics, abused, neglected and betrayed adult children need a safe place to heal – a place where they can speak of the horrible things that happened to them without judgment. I have found such a place, ACOA.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

In my safe place, I am allowed to wallow in the ashes of mourning for as long as I need to. The pain is very deep, and it won’t be overnight that it will heal. And yet, I can taste the “beauty” that is replacing the “ashes”. I can honestly say that I am experiencing God’s Divine favor; I leave my enemies to His care. By forgiving them, I open the door to my own forgiveness, and ability to move on. And let me just say this, forgiveness doesn’t mean that you have to continue to deal with those who hurt you. You can love from a distance. But we must ask forgiveness for any pain we may have caused as well.

It is God’s desire that we experience “the oil of joy.” We live in a fallen world, but even so, we can experience the joy of the Lord. I don’t believe this pertains to shouting, singing, dancing and jumping over church house pews. No, this joy is a joy that is deep within our souls – a joy that testifies with our spirits that “it is well” with our souls. This is a joy that reminds our souls that a better day is coming. And that we have so much to look forward to on the other side of life.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

We can trade in “the spirit of heaviness,” knowing that “the garment of praise” testifies inwardly that we have come to know our Redeemer. It is through the blood of Christ that God plants “trees of righteousness” for His glory. Our inner healing may seem a long way off, but know that our heavenly Father is faithful.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. (Matthew 5:4 – New American Standard Version)

Whatever the source of our “stink-stink,” God is in control. He isn’t the cause of the violence and abuse, or other sufferings, however, He can heal our wounds and set our feet on higher ground. We can’t change the hearts or actions of other people; we can only change our own course in life. And what better Guide down the dark avenues of this world than our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Why not give Him your stink today, and allow Him to make something beautiful of your life? All things are possible, but you must believe!

God bless you.

www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on July 31, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,