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MOVIES ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

By Terry Loving

“And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power,

and the glory, for ever. Amen”. (Matthew 6:13)

hotlineOctober is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Another foundation that shares the month of October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month – both causes are equally important.

The first awareness month was in Oct. 1987, which is the same year the national toll-free hotline began. The month was created out of the first Day of Unity observed in Oct. 1981 by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. The Day of Unity grew into a week of activities to spread awareness of domestic violence.

This year (2014), I will be listing movies about abuse and domestic violence. Please be mindful that this is Hollywood, and many of the movies will be rated “R”. Even so, there are many truths that are spoken and displayed throughout many of the movies.

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SLING BLADE

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“25 Years after committing an unthinkable crime, a quiet man named Karl (Thornton) finally returns home. Once there, he’s befriended by a fatherless boy and his mother. But when his new-found peace is shattered by the mother’s abusive boyfriend, Karl is suddenly placed on a collision course with his past!”

This movie possibly answers many questions concerning abused women such as, “Why does she stay?” “Why won’t she leave?” Linda is a woman like many others who stay for the “good times.” Known as the “honeymoon stage,” this is a period of calm and false security in abusive relationships. On the other hand, Linda feels trapped by the threat of death if she leaves her boyfriend Doyle Hargraves. She convinces her traumatized son that it is best to “bide our time,” thus hoping for a day when it is safe to get away from Doyle. In addition, Linda is hoping that perhaps her abuser will tire of her and leave on his own. Unfortunately, that never happened as Doyle dug his heels in deeper by pledging to move in with Linda and her son and be the “head” of the household.

Linda’s son Frank Wheatley – “I ain’t never gonna be happy now!”

Karl Childers – “You will be happy.”

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THE UNSPOKEN TRUTH

The Unspoken Truth

 “Made for television, The Unspoken Truth is the factual story of Brianne Hawkins (Lea Thompson), who after enduring a lifetime of abuse at the hands of her family marries the even more abusive Clay Hawkins (James Marshall). Given to beating his wife at the slightest provocation, Clay finally goes completely over the edge when he shoots and kills a man who had the temerity to speak to Brianne without Clay’s permission. Thinking quickly for a change, Clay persuades Brianne to take the rap for the killing, whereupon she complicity (if not willingly) concocts an elaborate story as to how she shot the man accidentally. Not only do the authorities refuse to swallow this fabrication, but they end up sending both Clay and Brianne to prison for life! Only when the future of her daughter, Lily (Karis Paige Bryant), is jeopardized does the long-suffering Brianne finally work up the courage to fight for her freedom and her long-denied fundamental rights as a human being. A shocking mid-film revelation elevates this story from the usual battered-wife TV-movie syndrome. Filmed on location in Austin, TX, The Unspoken Truth originally aired September 24, 1995, on NBC. ~ Hal Erickson, Rovi”

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THE COLOR PURPLE

The Color Purple

“Based on the Pulitzer Prize-winning novel by Alice Walker, The Color Purple spans the years 1909 to 1949, relating the life of Celie (Whoopi Goldberg), a Southern black woman virtually sold into a life of servitude to her brutal husband, sharecropper Albert (Danny Glover). Celie pours out her innermost thoughts in letter form to her sister Nettie (Akousa Busia), but Albert has been hiding the letters Nettie writes back, allowing Celie to assume that Nettie is dead. Finally, Celie finds a champion in the don’t-take-no-guff Sofia (Oprah Winfrey), the wife of Glover’s son from a previous marriage. Alas, Sofia is “humbled” when she is beaten into submission by angry whites. Later, Celie is able to forge a strong friendship with Albert’s mistress Shug (Margaret Avery). Emboldened by this, Celie begins rifling through her husband’s belongings and finds Nettie’s letters. Able at last to stand up to her husband, Celie leaves him to search for a new life on her own. A major box-office hit, The Color Purple was nominated for eleven Oscars. The film was co-produced by Quincy Jones, who also wrote the score. ~ Hal Erickson, Rovi”

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WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?

Whats Love Got To Do With It

“What’s Love Got to Do With It? is the filmed biography of R&B/pop singer Tina Turner (Angela Bassett), documenting her efforts to break away from her abusive husband Ike (Laurence Fishburne). After a few scenes detailing Tina’s life as a young singer in Nutbush, TN, she’s discovered by Ike Turner, an already established songwriter, guitarist, and record producer. Ike takes Tina under his wing and makes her a star, but her fame makes him jealous and abusive, and she has to struggle to break free of his domination. ~ Stephen Thomas Erlewine, Rovi”

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THE ABDUCTION

The Abduction

“While their marriage may have started off happily, Kate now finds that her police officer husband Paul has grown more unstable and abusive with each passing year. At long last, she leaves him and tries to start a new life for herself. Paul, however, has become obsessed with the thought of getting Kate back, and starts stalking her. Matters come to a head when he takes her hostage and threatens to kill her. Will she get out of this alive, or will it end in tragedy?”

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THE BURNING BED

The Burning Bed

“An abused battered wife has had enough of husband beating up on her. Everywhere she turns for help, there’s not much anyone will do. After he rapes her one night, she sets the bed on fire with him in it asleep.”

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TAKE MY EYES

Take my eyes

“Spanish actress/author/filmmaker Icíar Bollaín writes and directs the family drama Te Doy Mis Ojos (Take My Eyes), co-written by Alicia Luna. Pilar (Laia Marull) leaves her abusive husband, Antonio (Luis Tosar), during the middle of winter in Toledo, Spain. She and her son, Juan (Nicolás Fernández Luna), go to live with her sister Ana (Candela Peña). While supportive, Ana doesn’t fully understand Pilar’s situation. Pilar’s mother, Aurora (Rosa María Sardà), refuses to acknowledge the problem. Antonio is desperate to win back Pilar. He sends her constant presents and even attends therapy sessions in order to work through his anger. Meanwhile, Pilar gets a job at an art museum and tries to restart her life. Take My Eyes won several awards at the San Sebastian Film Festival before making its U.S. premiere at the Sundance Film Festival in 2004. ~ Andrea LeVasseur, Rovi”

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A Cry for Help The Tracey Thurman Story

A cry for help

“Tracy Thurman was married to a man who abused her. But he continues to harass her after she gets a restraining order, and the police do little to help. When he brutally beats her and slashes her throat in front of police, she sues the city and the police department for failing to protect her.”

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PROVOKED: A TRUE STORY

Provoked

“It’s the true story of a Punjabi woman named Kiranjit Ahluwalia who leaves India to marry a London-based guy, only to be badly abused. She ends up in prison for murdering her abusive husband.”

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MEN DON’T TELL (1993)

Men_Don't_Tell_1993_Film_Advert_CBS

“This movie shows another side to spousal abuse that not too many people thought is possible–the husband being abused and the wife the abuser.”

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BLACK and BLUE

Black and blue

“After a woman’s husband beats and abuses her, she and her son join the witness protection program and move away secretly.”

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UNFORGIVABLE 1996

Unforgivable 1996

“John Ritter plays a family man who puts his wife through domestic violence and his children through emotional torture. After leaving his family and almost killing his new girlfriend in one of his rages, he is ordered to seek professional help through an innovative therapy program or go to jail.”

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Cries Unheard: The Donna Yaklich Story (1994)

Cries Unheard The Donna Yaklich Story 1994

“Donna Yaklich meets Dennis the policeman and thinks she might have found a good relationship. But Dennis is obsessed with weight-lifting and uses steroids, which make him aggressive and abusive. Getting out of the relationship isn’t easy as Dennis isn’t willing to let her go, and Donna’s options are narrowed down to one remaining alternative.”

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SHATTERED DREAMS

Shattered Dreams

“Charlotte marries John. Things seem ok; John has a good job and he’s going up in the world, working for the government. But every so often he loses his temper and Charlotte gets the brunt of his anger. During the 18 year course of their marriage, there are at least 8 incidents of physical abuse and countless of mental. Charlotte’s family and friends tell her to leave John but she keeps going back, most likely because he has convinced her that she would be nothing without him. It finally explodes in a big divorce battle balancing on the cases of abuse.”

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LIES OF THE HEART

Lies of the heart“This is the fact-based made-for-TV movie of Laurie Kellog, who was accused of the murder of her husband Bruce in May 1992, told in flashbacks while she’s waiting for her judgment. When she was 16 she met the 15 years older Bruce Kellog, a charming guy, and moved in with him shortly after. What she didn’t know was that he “bought” her from her stepfather for 500 bucks. First she’s happy to serve him, but not long and Bruce shows his real face.”

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DANGEROUS INTENTIONS

Dangerous Intentions

“A man stalks his wife and child when they leave for an abused women’s shelter.”

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SLEEPING with the DEVIL

sleeping_with_the_devil-1370357961

“Professional nurse Rebecca Dubrovich (Shannen Doherty) is swept off her feet by charming millionaire Dick Strang (Tim Matheson), and the two begin a passionate romance. Only when it is too late does Rebecca discover that Strang has, to put it mildly, a dark side: He’s a bigamist, a control freak, a pathological liar, and a vicious sadist. Breaking off the relationship, Rebecca is subsequently stalked by the obsessive Strang, who ultimately injures her so severely that she is confined to a wheelchair. During her painful recovery period, Rebecca falls in love with orthopedic surgeon Jerrold Petrofsky (David Bowe), and ultimately dedicates her life to helping other victims of abusive relationships. Based on a true story previously dramatized on the television anthology Unsolved Mysteries and then released in book form, the made-for-TV Sleeping with the Devil originally aired April 22, 1997 on CBS. ~ Hal Erickson, Rovi”

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ENOUGH

ENOUGH“Working class waitress Slim finds her life transformed when she marries wealthy contractor Mitch. She settles into an idyllic suburban life and seems to have everything she wants: loving husband, beautiful home, and Gracie, an adorable 5-year-old daughter. Her dream is shattered when she discovers her husband is anything but perfect. His abusive behavior forces her to go on the run, eluding an increasingly obsessive Mitch and his lethal henchmen. When, despite Slim’s efforts to make a new life, Mitch finds her and threatens her again, she puts Gracie in safe keeping, toughens herself mentally and physically and sets out to prove to Mitch she’s had enough.”

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FAMILY of STRANGERS

FAMILY OF STRANGERS

“Julie must disclose her family’s medical history before undergoing major surgery, but when she questions her family, she discovers that she was adopted and later, that her conception was the product of a rape.”

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NO ONE WOULD TELL

NO ONE WOULD TELL

“Shy sixteen-year-old Stacy Collins can’t believe that the most popular guy in school, an attractive athlete named Bobby Tennison, is interested in her. At first she is flattered by his constant attention, but then he becomes possessive and jealous-telling her who she can speak to and what she can wear. Threats escalate into violence when Bobby thinks Stacy has stepped out of line. Soon she is walking on egg shells and living in fear. Having seen the tell-tale bruises, Stacy’s best friend convinces her to break things off with Bobby-but in a moment of weakness, Stacy goes to meet him.”

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ONCE WERE WARRIORS

ONCE WERE WARRIORS

“A family descended from Maori warriors is bedeviled by a violent father and the societal problems of being treated as outcasts.”

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SIN by SILENCE

Sin_by_Silence_film_poster

“Inside the California Institution for Women, the first inmate initiated and led group in U.S. prison history, shatters the misconceptions of domestic violence.

Convicted Women Against Abuse (CWAA) was created in 1989 to help women inside prison break the silence about abuse and learn more about what they needed to do to help others stop the cycle of violence.

Instead of fighting a system that does not fully comprehend the complexities of abuse, the women of CWAA led an initiative to help educate the system. Through careful orchestration of letter writing campaigns, media coverage, and senate hearings a movement was born and laws for battered women were changed. And for the founder of CWAA, the flicker of hope begins to grow as her possible freedom, after 26 years in prison, lies moments away.”

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Bastard out of Carolina on AllMovie

BASTARD OUT OF CAROLINA

“Bastard out of Carolina was the first novel published by author Dorothy Allison. The book, which is semi-autobiographical in nature, is set in Allison’s hometown of Greenville, South Carolina. Narrated by Ruth Anne “Bone” Boatwright, the primary conflict occurs between Bone and her mother’s husband, Glen.

The novel examines the expectations of gender and mother–child relationships, and explores the roles of these characters in the future. Conditions of class, race, sexuality and gender play out in Bone’s life and her relationships with others.

The book was adapted into a film in 1996.”

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Site that lists pages of movies with domestic abuse themes.
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Let us continue to pray for those who suffer the evil of domestic violence and abuse, and assist when and where we can.
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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2014
All rights reserved.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on October 3, 2014 in Domestic Violence Awareness

 

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WHEN ABUSERS STALK THEIR PREY

By Terry Loving

stalking 1

“Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.”    (1 Peter 5:8)

I had an experience with stalking years ago that unnerved me – but not in a frightening way. One day I noticed a non-abusive ex riding past my house. It isn’t uncommon for a driver to not notice the “dead end” sign at the beginning of the street I lived on. In this case however, he knew the street had no outlet, and therefore he had a specific purpose in mind. This particular day I was sitting by the window watching the squirrels chase one another – I noticed my ex driving by. He drove to the dead end, turned around and drove slowly back the other way.

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At another time I was shopping at my neighborhood supermarket, turned to place fruit in my cart – and there he was – just standing behind me watching. I was surprised, but not afraid because he wasn’t an abuser, just someone who decided on the wrong woman and had regrets – oh well. Anyway, we greeted one another and I noticed the lonely loaf of bread in his cart. I supposed this was his way of not drawing attention to himself – just another shopper.

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stalking 2

I was a bit curious though – he did not live in my neighborhood. And I am certain that he passed many stores on the way home that sold a loaf of bread. He briefly indicated that his marriage was not going well, but he never said that he made a mistake in his choosing. Later I figured that he had, for why stalk me – an ex, ride past my house, and follow me to the supermarket? Did he leave with the loaf of bread? I do not know. At our departure, my mind was racing, wondering how I missed signs that I was being stalked – especially when he confessed after I told him I saw him riding past my house – “It’s not the first time.” WOW! Talk about feeling weird at the thought of him following me around.

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I missed the signs because I was not expecting this type of behavior from him. More so, I did not know what type of vehicle he drove until the day I saw him driving by. We crossed paths at a later time and he was driving yet another vehicle. This is one of the ways that abusers stalk their victims. They somehow obtain different vehicles, sometimes borrowed, and follow their victims. I thank God this wasn’t a domestic abuse situation for I could have been killed or seriously hurt by an avenging mad man. It happens every day in America – we just don’t hear much about it.

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Young female looking through window blinds at night.(shallow depth of field)

So what is stalking? The following is a legal definition:

“A person who intentionally and repeatedly follows or harasses another person and who makes a credible threat, either expressed or implied, with the intent to place that person in reasonable fear of death or serious bodily harm is guilty of the crime of stalking. A person may be charged with aggravated stalking if they commit the crime of stalking while subject to a temporary restraining order, injunction against trespass, or similar order.”

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“Stalkers target public figures or celebrities, children, and sometimes even complete strangers. But, in most cases, a stalker is someone you know and with whom you have had a relationship. Criminal statutes which can be used in an effort to deter stalking include laws against harassment and assault, as well as a specific stalking law.”

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From state to state, stalking laws may vary; however, the essence of the act itself is standard across state lines. Stalking is intentional and intended to make your life miserable, cause harm or death. Many abused women feel safe once the abuser has left the home – but are they really? You change your locks, install a security system, get a vicious dog, perhaps buy a gun – do all that is necessary to protect yourself at home. But what happens when you go to work, church services, the dentist or the supermarket? Are you safe? Many abused persons are not.

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stalking 4

In many cases there are connections such as children, a marriage, property and other avenues abusers use to maintain control over your life. Shared friends and family often serve as information portals for abusers to keep abreast of the events in the life of the abused. When the abused makes the decision to leave abuse, as difficult as it may be, leaving shared friends often becomes necessary. Some friends may side with the abuser and feed him information that the abused shared in confidence.

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I highly recommend watching STALKED: SOMEONE’S WATCHING on Netflix, and on Youtube there is a three-part training video free to law enforcement inspired by the stalking death of Peggy Klinke. Ms. Klinke was stalked and murdered by her ex-boyfriend in January 2003. Originally designed for educating law enforcement, it is noted that the training video can be utilized by any organization or individuals.

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One of the stalking myths in domestic situations especially is the belief that ignoring the stalker will cause he or she to just go away – not so. In Peggy Klinke’s situation, her abuser Patrick Kennedy was relentless in pursuing Peggy hoping to win her back. He would call her cell phone every day, all day, and even showed up at her doorstep with flowers and an engagement ring. Peggy was through with emotional and verbal abuse – she got out of a bad relationship – but she had no peace.

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stalking 5

Manipulative and smooth talking abusers like Patrick do not handle rejection well. When he found out Peggy was in a new relationship he started harassing and threatening her new boyfriend. His desperation intensified to a new level which included setting fire to the new boyfriend’s house. It was never proved that Patrick was responsible, but the couple knew he was the guilty party. This was a major turning point in Peggy’s life. She moved to another state to put distance between her and her dangerous stalker while awaiting his trial date for felony stalking. Her extensive documentation was enough to obtain a charge against Patrick.

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It is a fact that abused women are in more danger when they leave their abusers. Friends and relatives often help the abusers locate the abused as depicted in the movie “What’s Love Got to Do with It? Ike Turner bought Tina Turner’s mother a house, and probably gave her many other financial benefits over the years. In turn, she felt obligated to tell Ike where Tina was so he could bring her and the children home. In other cases, friends and family may be frightened and threatened harm if they did not tell where the abused is hiding.

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Stalking 6

Patrick hired a private detective to find Peggy, and boarded a plane from New Mexico to California to find her, and killed her in a murder-suicide six days before his trial.  Unless an abused woman takes on a completely new identity, she can be easily found – especially with the technology available today. “Assembly Bill 978 – also known as “Peggy’s Law” – makes it misdemeanor for anyone targeted by a domestic-violence restraining order to try to locate the victim by hiring a private investigator, using a friend or relative or any other “third-party means.”

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Abusive stalkers go to extremes to maintain some sort of control over their victims. They are known to plant GPS systems in the vehicles of the abused, and hack their computers.

“Three years before her estranged husband killed her, Sandra Bentley told friends that her computer was doing things she did not want.”

“The cursor would highlight words by itself. It floated over them and even changed them spontaneously. Documents she created and saved disappeared from memory. Folders stored in one file were altered and saved somewhere else, Sandra’s friend Charma Meek said.”

“He had established a ghost on her computer.”

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stalking 9

What happened with Sandra’s computer is a form of “Gaslighing” – designed to make you feel that you are losing your mind. In this case however, this was another way her abusive husband kept tabs on her. Sandra left her abuser when she found out what her husband was doing behind her back. She wasn’t losing her mind after all. Unfortunately, leaving changed the game plan to murder. Sandra’s husband ran her down with his car in the Walmart parking lot where she worked. He then shot himself in the head – never a thought about their children.

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 “Used to be, if a spouse ran away in the night, it was quite a bit of work to find her,” said Aaron Hughes, a computer forensics expert based in Houston. “Now a lot of people have access to things that they never even thought about before.” GPS in cellphones, tracking devices hidden in vehicles and intercepted text messages sent to friends and relatives can help abusers find their victims.”

“Often, people are not aware that they are being electronically monitored, said Kristine Soule, a Tarrant County assistant district attorney.”

“Unless the abuser does something to let the victim know, the victim may not know,” Soule said.”

“That was the case with Sandra for a long time, friends say.”

stalking 8

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Now here’s a scary thought:

“People accept cellphones and other personal electronics as gifts from those they are dating without knowing what software is on those devices, she said.”

“Sometimes the gift is a Trojan horse, Villareal said.”

“Many times, they give you a phone for Christmas, and then they know your every move. He can see every phone call that’s made,” she said.

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Stalking extends the abuse once suffered at home, for the physical and emotional symptoms are the same. Stalking causes many sleepless nights, anxiety, vomiting, headaches, exhaustion, and fear. The uneasiness stems from fear of what the abuser may do because she left him. Many survive stalking from an abusive ex, and countless others do not.

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As noted by Criminal Psychologist Dr. Michelle Ward:

“Stalkers are not your average criminal. They are master manipulators. They understand that their stalking behavior usually amounts to “He said, she said” in the eyes of the law. A victim needs to prove a pattern of harassment that the stalker can’t refute. Until then, nothing can be done.”

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woman stressed

Those words are not comforting. Peggy documented “200 pages” of stalking incidents concerning Patrick, but she never got the chance to present the evidence in court. At least she did what she could do to hopefully end the madness. If he had not killed her, perhaps he would have served jail time. But what happens when abusive stalkers are set free? Would the abused still have to look over their shoulders? Would the abuser’s anger intensify because they were incarcerated?

Dr. Ward also said this about Patrick:

“He’s really trying to stop it. Patrick is obviously torturing Peggy, but he too is being tortured. He’s being tortured by his own sick mind. He’s just really trying to stop it one way or another. Whether he hurts himself or he hurts her, he just wants it to end.”

Patrick ended both their lives.

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RED FLAG

Patrick rushed Peggy into a relationship, and they moved in together shortly after. She was in a state far from family and friends, and she did not have a support system. Once Patrick had her where he wanted her, he started with the emotional and verbal abuse. He began to tear Peggy down in order to establish power and control – and to feel good about himself. Patrick most likely suffered from self-esteem issues according to Dr. Ward, and he built himself up through the abuse. Leaving him was not an option. Patrick exhibited the cruel and evil mentality of abusers that kill:

“If I can’t have her, no one else will.”

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When abusers stalk their prey, it is with the intent to do harm. Tell someone; involve others that can look out for you. Document, document, document – even though this may not have helped others, it may help you. Don’t keep abuse a secret, it may cost you your life. Take your time getting to know a potential mate. Beware of men who come across as the most charming, helpful, thoughtful, sweetest man you ever met – test the spirits.

Peggy was killed six days before Patrick was to stand trial for felony stalking. Her documentation gave the authorities the ammunition they needed to bring charges.

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Every domestic violence case should be looked at as a potential stalking case.
When dating Peggy Klinke, Patrick Kennedy had shown the kind of aggressive, controlling behavior that is typical of stalkers. Years of study show that there are common signs before a violent attack, a hostage situation, a murder. And stalking is at the top of that list of signs.”

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Psalm 35:1

“Of David. Contend, LORD, with those who contend with me; fight against those who fight against me.”

Romans 8:35
“Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?”

Romans 2:9

“There will be trouble and distress for every human being who does evil: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile;”

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Proverbs 6:12-15

“A troublemaker and a villain, who goes about with a corrupt mouth,

who winks maliciously with his eye, signals with his feet

and motions with his fingers, who plots evil with deceit in his heart—

he always stirs up conflict. Therefore disaster will overtake him in an instant;

he will suddenly be destroyed—without remedy.”

NSAM………………………………………..

Proverbs 6:16-19

There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him:

haughty eyes,

a lying tongue,

hands that shed innocent blood,

a heart that devises wicked schemes,

feet that are quick to rush into evil,

a false witness who pours out lies

and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.

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How to Protect Yourself From A Stalker

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Female Stalkers, Part 1: What is Stalking and Can Men Be Stalked by Women?

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Computers and Cellphones are Another Way Many Abusers Stalk Their Victims, Experts Say

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Are You Being Stalked? 19 Ways to Protect Yourself From a Stalker

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How to prevent or defend against online stalking

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Stalking Goes High Tech (and How to Protect Yourself)

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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND COHABITATION

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Prayer-Request2Please click on picture to submit a prayer request.

http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org. – 2013
All rights reserved.

 
4 Comments

Posted by on June 12, 2013 in LEAVING ABUSE

 

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HE BEATS ME – BUT HE IS A GOOD MAN!

By Terry Loving

New International Version (©1984)
“The LORD examines the righteous, but the wicked and those who love violence his soul hates.”

You have probably heard the saying that “a good man is hard to find.” Ask any woman who is seeking a mate, and she will tell you one of the qualities required is the man must be a “good” man. I wonder though, would most women know a “good” man if they did find him? What does a “good” man look like? How does he carry himself? Is there some sort of standard by which a man’s character can be measured?

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I have read several posts where the abused women claimed their abusers are “good” men. Here is an un-edited example:

“i’de like to know if a man will stop abuse and i am scared. i am not physically strong and i don’t shout back. i just keep quiet. its happened 3 times now, first in december with a shove, then over easter in the car, he pushed me against the window and wanted to drive us into a wall, i asked him if i could drive, he got out and walked into the bush. we communicated via our phones. when he came back i had to drive slowly, as he wanted to jump out the car, and over bridges. he swore at me in the car all the way home, calling me a bitch and a whore and no man will ever accept me. saturday night he beat me and kicked me for 6 hours. continually….. he is a good man…. we love each other, but i am afraid!

Comment #8 (Posted by Lynette Hoy)”

http://www.counselcareconnection.org/articles/45/1/How-Do-I-Stop-Abusing-My-Wife/Page1.html

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A “good” man would not treat anyone this way – especially a woman he claims to love. Beating and kicking her for “6 hours” proves that this man is evil. Because this woman is afraid of her abuser, she chooses to “keep quiet” which gives the abuser the sense that his actions are allowed. In some warped way, he probably concludes that this woman “likes” how he treats her, or she would do something about it instead of suffering in silence.

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She states that she is “afraid” and “scared” – she should be. This man will only progress to worst abuse, perhaps even kill her one day. She may love him, but he surely does not love her. The problem with this situation is that neither party has any concept of real love. If they did, she would not be suffering abuse, and he would not be dishing it out.

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The main objective of this post is to show from a Biblical stand point what a “good” man should represent. Mind you, everyone has their little quirks, habits, preferences and the like. Not every couple will agree with each other all the time. When blending two backgrounds into a relationship, differences may sometimes clash and cause friction in the home. However, spiritual maturity in both partners will ultimately level out disagreements and restore peace.

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If a man is a “good” man, he will understand and practice Biblical principles that will keep his home in spiritual balance. He will exercise leadership with love, patience, wisdom, and godly direction. Otherwise, he will rule with tyranny and abuse those whom God has blessed him with to be a part of his life and family.

So what is a “good” man? Let us seek the Word of God.

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Gill’s Exposition of the Entire Bible

“A good man, out of the good treasure of the heart,…. “A good man”, is a regenerated man, one that is renewed by the Spirit of God, a believer in Christ, a sincere lover of him, and one that follows him, wheresoever he goes, and who has the grace of God implanted in him: for “the good treasure the heart”, is not what he is naturally possessed of, but what is put into him: and is no other than the superabundant grace of God, or that grace for grace, which he has received out of Christ’s fullness, and the rich experience of it he is blessed with:”

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New International Version (©1984)
“The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.”

New Living Translation (©2007)
“A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart.”

33“A tree is identified by its fruit. If a tree is good, its fruit will be good. If a tree is bad, its fruit will be bad. 34You brood of snakes! How could evil men like you speak what is good and right? For whatever is in your heart determines what you say. 35A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. 36And I tell you this, you must give an account on judgment day for every idle word you speak. 37The words you say will either acquit you or condemn you.”

http://nlt.scripturetext.com/matthew/12.htm

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“An evil man has an evil treasure in his heart, and out of it brings forth evil things. Lusts and corruptions, dwelling and reigning in the heart, are an evil treasure, out of which the sinner brings forth bad words and actions, to dishonour God, and hurt others. Let us keep constant watch over ourselves, that we may speak words agreeable to the Christian character.”Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary

Dictionary definition of “good”:

adjective

1. morally excellent; virtuous; righteous; pious: a good man.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/good

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In light of the above definition and scriptures, there is no way a violent abuser can be considered a “good” man. If his character does not match up to what you have read thus far, then abusers are the opposite of “good,” which means they are “evil” men who practice evil. They practice sin, and criminal behaviors that justify both earthly and heavenly consequences.

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Most likely, it is during the “honeymoon stage” that abused women fool themselves believing their abusers are otherwise “good” men. Anyone can put on a good act, but that does not mean they are “good” people. What is in your heart will eventually come out – good or evil. Apologies for abuse and flowers do not make a “good” man.

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Also, many women erroneously conclude that if they can get their abusers to stop abusing, then they would have a “good” man. Not necessarily so. Many immoral men do not physically abuse women, but they commit sinful acts in other ways such as deceiving, cheating, lying and stealing etc.

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A “good” man will not verbally abuse you, and call you ugly names.

Proverbs 10:20  “The tongue of the righteous is choice silver, but the heart of the wicked is of little value.”

Proverbs 10:21  “The lips of the righteous nourish many, but fools die for lack of judgment.”

His conversation will be full of grace, and seasoned with salt. A “good” man will provide for his family. Otherwise, he is worse than an infidel. He should be like Barnabas:

New Living Translation (©2007)
“Barnabas was a good man, full of the Holy Spirit and strong in faith. And many people were brought to the Lord.”

GOD’S WORD® Translation (©1995)
“Barnabas was a dependable man….”

“For he was a good man – This is given as a reason why he was so eminently successful. It is not said that he was a man of distinguished talents or learning; that he was a splendid or an imposing preacher; but simply that he was a man of an amiable, kind, and benevolent disposition – a pious, humble man of God. We should not undervalue talent, eloquence, or learning in the ministry, but we may remark that humble piety will often do more in the conversion of souls than the most splendid talents. No endowments can be a substitute for this.”   Barnes’ Notes on the Bible

Most of all, a “good” man will strive to be Christ-like. He will endeavor to please the Father in all things. He will care when others are hurting, as Jesus wept over the condition of mankind:

Luke 19:41 “As he approached Jerusalem and saw the city, he wept over it.”

A “good” man will possess compassion:

John 11:33 “When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.”

A “good” man will love his wife as he is instructed to do so:

New International Version (©1984)
“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”

Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

Ephesians 5:28 “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”  (Would a man stomp and kick his own body for “6 hours?”)

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Colossians 3:19 “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.”

New Living Translation (©2007)
In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.

Barnes’ Notes on the Bible

“Giving honor unto the wife – It was an important advance made in society when the Christian religion gave such a direction as this, for everywhere among the pagan, and under all false systems of religion, woman has been regarded as worthy of little honor or respect. She has been considered as a slave, or as a mere instrument to gratify the passions of man. It is one of the elementary doctrines of Christianity, however, that woman is to be treated with respect; and one of the first and most marked effects of religion on society is to elevate the wife to a condition in which she will be worthy of esteem. The particular reasons for the honor which husbands are directed to show to their wives, here specified, are two: she is to be treated with special kindness as being more feeble than man, and as having a claim therefore to delicate attention; and she is to be honored as the equal heir of the grace of life.”

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Ladies, a “good” man is not one who temporarily refrains from abusing you. During the “honeymoon stage” you may witness endearing qualities that cause you to fall in love with your abuser all over again. However, this brief period of calm will eventually give way to higher and more damaging degrees of violence and abuse. “Do not be deceived.”

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There is much more that can be said concerning this matter. The conclusion is, no “good” man beats, berates, abuses his mate, or anyone. A “good” man isn’t a perfect man, for no man can match the perfection of Jesus Christ. However, a “good” man will strive for spiritual excellence just the same.

New International Version (©1984)
“Keep me, O LORD, from the hands of the wicked; protect me from men of violence who plan to trip my feet.”

Is there some sort of standard by which a man’s character can be measured? YES – the Word of God.

If he beats you – abuses you – cheats, lies, deceives, he is not a good man.

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http://fvpfstore.stores.yahoo.net/healthposters.html

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The Excellence of Love

If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

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Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

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Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:1-13

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Men tell Oprah why they beat the women they love

“When he was in a rage and beating Christy, Sir says he did want her to die. “I had every intention to take her life. I felt like I had power and control over something in my life,” Sir says. “It made me feel invincible.”

“Luckily, Christy survived the abuse.”

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Domestic violence – why men abuse women

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ABUSERS – ARE THEY EVIL?

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NOTE: It is very difficult to recognize a “good” man if you never had an example of a “good” man in your life. One of the mistakes we make is to rush into relationships. A warning sign that you are headed for trouble is a man rushing you into a relationship. When we grow up with bad examples of manhood, we tend to date men who mimic what we saw at home. It is erroneously assumed that all men will treat women this way, and many women accept the abuse as “normal.”

Another mistake is – we do not take time to know ourselves. If we have unresolved baggage from the past, we carry the pain into relationships. Unfortunately, we subconsciously expect our mates to “heal” us, and that is impossible. This applies to both men and women.

Because many of us grew up with dysfunction in our homes, we tend to feel empty in relationships if there is no drama. Therefore, we create it – or recreate what we witnessed at home as children. Men know when a woman is “needy,” and if he has evil intentions you will suffer.

Sadly, some women grow up with godly fathers, and witness what a “good” man should be like – and they gravitate towards “bad boys.” Yes, “bad boys” have been labeled “exciting.” But too often, the excitement is drama in disguise. Unfortunately, many “good” guys are labeled as “nerdy” or “boring.” They usually work hard, own homes, and live stable lives. “Bad boys” often live off their women, prostitute them, beat them, and make life miserable.

Take time to know him or her. If something is for you, you will have it.

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My husband loves me a lot but he’s abusive

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MY HUSBAND HITS ME ALL THE TIME?

“i know all of you guys are saying leave him but its not easy!!
i cant just leave him i want to help him if i just leave him how will he ever change i am his wife and want him to be a better person, can anyone just understand that?”

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My Husband Hits Me

“What do I do if my husband hits me just because he is anger, but I can’t leave him because I love him very much.

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 MAN IS DEFILED FROM WITHIN

“And He was saying, ‘That which proceeds out of the man that is what defiles the man. For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride and foolishness. All these evil things proceed from within and defile the man” (verses 20-23). To this list we can add violence, physical and verbal abuse, mistreatment of others.

The person who commits murder is acting out what is in his heart. Adultery is in the heart. Deceit is in the heart. Pride is in the heart. Evil is in the heart. Domestic violence and abuse are in the hearts of those who are defiled from within.

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“This grim made-for-TV domestic drama examines the terrible effects caused by spousal abuse. The story centers on the mental and physical battering endured by a wife at the hands of her troubled husband.”

Regular visits to their home from the police, three broken ribs, hospitalization and many beatings wasn’t enough for her to leave. It wasn’t until her abusive husband threw their young son across the room that she finally started to see the light. This is a woman who thought she had a “good” man, and kept making excuses for his abusing her. She blamed herself, as much as he blamed her for everything that went wrong. A MUST SEE!

https://signup.netflix.com/Movie/Intimate-Strangers/70147041?country=1&rdirfdc=true

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CLICK HERE FOR SAFE HORIZON LINK TO TAKE ACTION

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The Danger Assessment

The Danger Assessment helps to determine the level of danger an abused woman has of being killed by her intimate partner. It is free and available to the public. Using the Danger Assessment requires the weighted scoring and interpretation that is provided after completing the training. The Danger Assessment is available in a variety of languages.

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Domestic Violence Against Women: How to Spot Abusive Men when Dating

Is Your Date an Abuser? Learn the Signs Before It’s Too Late

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Why Men Abuse Women

“Tony says it felt like he “blacked out” during the abuse. “You don’t understand what’s going on,” he says. “I completely own up to [what I did], but in that rage, it’s like your brain wires, they aren’t clicking.”

“He says being in an abusive relationship is like being in a drug addiction. “It becomes like your bond in the sense that the woman is like cocaine inside of that relationship. That’s the only connection you have, because there’s no real love,” he says. “In order to overcome it, it’s almost like you have to separate, go to rehab, move out of the dope house and never come back.”

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10 Signs You May Be in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

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Posted by on March 9, 2012 in EXCUSES FOR VIOLENCE/ABUSE

 

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