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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND PORNOGRAPHY

By Terry Loving

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body.”

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More women requesting help are reporting that their abuser views pornography, according to officials who work with abused women.

Five years ago pornography wasn’t something we talked about,” said Kay Card, director of Safe Harbor, a women’s shelter in Davis County.

The pornography is a “cancer,” she said.

Women can’t compete with the Internet, Card said.

They report their abuse starts with put-downs, progresses to physical abuse, sexual insults, sexual abuse and rape. 1

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I watched the movie “FIREPROOF” twice, and the end of the movie moved my heart each time. However, I realize that this is just a movie, but I  truly wish that the end results were a reality, especially in the case of domestic violence and abuse. Nonetheless, God is awesome, and He does answer prayers – those which are according to His will and purpose in our lives. Selfish prayers go unanswered.

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Caleb was selfish. He possessed the King of the castle mentality, and expected to be exalted with unending adoration from his wife. True, he worked a profession that could take his life at any time, and faced danger saving both lives and property. However, Caleb thought that his heroics outside of his home were worthy of respect from his wife, and her job was to lift him up emotionally with praise. When he did not get the attention he thought he deserved, he was angry.

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His wife Catherine was angry as well. Her discontent led to seeking a divorce for many reasons. The most damaging reason for Catherine wanting out of the marriage was pornography – Caleb’s insatiable desire to satisfy his sexual fantasies through strangers online. One day she confronted Caleb as she entered their home. He quickly tried to shut down the porn site he was visiting – but Catherine caught him. As the saying goes, he was “busted.”

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Catherine: “Did you clear your history?”

Caleb: “What?”

Catherine: “Did you wipe the web sites off so nobody can see where you’ve been?”

This led to an argument, and Caleb lashing out:

“You never assume I’d do anything worthy of respect; anything honorable!”

Catherine: “Honorable?” What were you just looking at Caleb? What was on that computer screen? Is that honorable?”

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She told her husband that his “sweet” gestures to change his ways “mean nothing.” In reference to his porn watching – “That’s the kind of man you’ve become when you are alone. That’s what you default to, and there is nothing honorable about that!”

Catherine confiding in her mom: “You don’t know what I’ve been competing with. He makes me feel so humiliated. And he doesn’t even know it.”

“When did I stop being good enough for him?”

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In my opinion, the main problems within this marriage were selfishness (Caleb) – and resentment (Catherine). Caleb’s father challenged him to complete a “Love Dare” within “40-days” – giving their broken marriage a chance to heal. Even his best efforts to show change were rejected, for Caleb had not dealt with the issue of pornography which made Catherine feel competitive with the harlots in cyber space, and obviously damaged intimacy between them.

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Caleb’s choosing to gain intimate satisfaction through pornography made his wife feel inferior to strange women on a computer screen. Pornography is a form of cheating on your spouse. Many men leave their bedrooms in the middle of the night to embrace the devil’s lure to illicit cyber-sex. The internet makes it easy for porn lovers to watch this filth in the comfort of their own homes. Unfortunately, children are forced to participate in this evil for the sick pleasures of warped minded adults.

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The father’s “Love Dare” mentioned “parasites” which are anything that infiltrates the home and destroys relationships.  A few examples are alcoholism, violence, drug addiction, and of course pornography.  When Caleb reached “Day 23” and the challenge to rid his life of the “parasites” that “promise pleasure” but “steal away loyalty from your partner and destroy your marriage” he struggled. “Parasites” not only destroy our homes and relationships, but ultimately us. Caleb asked out loud as he struggled with ridding his life of porn, “Why is this so hard?”

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Caleb and Catherine were not Christians in the beginning of the movie. However, Caleb struggled nonetheless with a spiritual stronghold. Meaning, Satan’s grip on Caleb’s soul through cyber-sex had tightened to the point that release involved an inner struggle. He overcame, but not without help from God. I don’t want to spoil the movie by telling you everything that happened. So, I will just say that these two souls ultimately let Christ into their hearts and their marriage was saved, as well as their souls. You will have to watch the movie to see how God moved in their lives.

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Pornography destroys the beautiful intimacy God created and intended between husband and wife.  It brings the intimacy down to a level of degradation and filthiness. Not only are holy women of God sickened by their porn watching husband’s sexual requests – women who are non-Christians also experience humiliation.

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Wherefore – In view of the fact that God has begotten us for his own service; in view of the fact that excited feeling tends only to wrong, let us lay aside all that is evil, and submit ourselves wholly to the influence of truth.

Lay apart all filthiness – The word here rendered filthiness, occurs nowhere else in the New Testament, It means properly filth; and then is applied to evil conduct considered as disgusting or offensive. Sin may be contemplated as a wrong thing; as a violation of law; as evil in its nature and tendency, and therefore to be avoided; or it may be contemplated as disgusting, offensive, loathsome. To a pure mind, this is one of its most odious characteristics; for, to such a mind, sin in any form is more loathsome than the most offensive object can be to any of the senses. Barnes’ Notes on the Bible                     James 1:21 

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“This I say therefore, and testify in the Lord, that you from now on walk not as other Gentiles walk, in the vanity of their mind, Having the understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God through the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart: Who being past feeling have given themselves over to lasciviousness, to work all uncleanness with greediness. But you have not so learned Christ; If so be that you have heard him, and have been taught by him, as the truth is in Jesus: That you put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; And that you put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness. Ephesians 4:14-24

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Lascivious

Adj.1.lascivious – driven by lust; preoccupied with or exhibiting lustful desires; “libidinous orgies”  libidinous, lustful, lewd sexy – marked by or tending to arouse sexual desire or interest; “feeling sexy”; “sexy clothes”; “sexy poses”; “a sexy book”; “sexy jokes” (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/lascivious)

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“Men, including boys ages 12 to 17, account for the majority of porn consum­ers. For example, 82 percent of Playboy magazine consumers, and 77 percent of visitors to pornographic web sites are men. But pornography is a growing prob­lem among women as well. According to Nielsen NetRatings, nearly one in three visitors to “adult” web sites is female.” 2

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1 Corinthians 6:9 “Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders.”

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“It is not surprising that many psychologists call internet pornography the new “crack cocaine” when you note the combination of the power of pornography with the ready, 24/7 availability of pornography on any computer, much of it free, accessible in the privacy and anonymity of the home.”

“Pornographic depictions of the sexuality of women and children distort the truth about desires of women and children, and legitimize men’s sense of entitlement, and use of force, violence, and degrading acts by the male actors.”

“Some of the messages of pornography teach beliefs and behaviors. Some of these behaviors are pathological, illegal, or both. The illegal behaviors are rape, child molestation, pedophilia, prostitution, domestic violence, sexual harassment, and some paraphilias (e.g., sexual deviances such as exhibitionism, voyeurism, and bestiality). Some of pornography’s messages about relationships, sexuality, and women may be damaging, even if the pornography is not illegal or pathological.”  

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Summary

The large body of research on pornography reveals that it functions as a teacher of, a permission-giver for, and a trigger of many negative behaviors and attitudes that can severely damage not only the users but many others, including strangers. The damage is seen in men, women, and children, and in both married and single adults. It involves pathological behaviors, illegal behaviors, and some behaviors that are both illegal and pathological. Pornography is an equal opportunity and very lethal toxin.

 Pornography and Violence: A New Look at Research

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King James Bible (Cambridge Ed.)
“And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.”

King James Bible (Cambridge Ed.)
“(For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;)”

1 Peter 4:3 “For you have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do–living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing and detestable idolatry.”

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Question: “Spiritual strongholds – what is the Biblical view?”

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Pornography and Sexual Violence

“As pornography has become more acceptable, both legally and culturally, the level of brutality toward, and degradation of, women has intensified (Jensen, 2004).”

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How Big Is Porn?

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CHILD PORNOGRAPHY

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 Sexual Degradation

How Pornography Destroys the Family

By Alysse M. ElHage

“Men and women need each other, and society needs men and women to come together to form strong families based on mutual love, respect, trust and commit­ment in order to raise the next genera­tion, who will be tomorrowʼs husbands and wives, and fathers and mothers. By exploiting the natural sexual attraction between males and females, pornography chips away at these values and attacks the family in the place where it is the most vulnerable. There is nothing harmless about pornography in any form, and state and national lawmakers have a public duty to do all they can to protect families from the destructive effects of an industry that profits from the sexual exploitation of human beings.”

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Men as Victims

Mark Kastleman

In my last article, I discussed how pornography’s scourge scorches the soul of the innocent-the children and teens. Theirs is the most tragic situation of all because they suffer needlessly as a result of the lust, greed and selfishness of others.

But what about the men who get sucked into porn’s cauldron of lust? I certainly would never suggest that their suffering is anything like that of innocent women and children who lay in the wake of pornography addiction. Nor am I suggesting that their actions should be excused or justified. But I do submit that the suffering and misery experienced by men who get pulled into the pornography trap are real and excruciating.

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How women made porn fashionable

Using sex for money and fame, women have found a new way to feel powerful and secure without a man or even necessarily a family – Octomom has openly become a porn actress and stripper.

Mothers, too, are now sexualizing their daughters and dressing them up as sexual candy for the world.

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American King James Version
“But I say to you, That whoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart.”

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New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders.”

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Galatians 5:19 “The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery;”

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Jeremiah 17:9 “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?”

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Matthew 6:23 “But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!”

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The Heart of Man

15Peter said to Him, “Explain the parable to us.” 16Jesus said, “Are you still lacking in understanding also? 17“Do you not understand that everything that goes into the mouth passes into the stomach, and is eliminated? 18“But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man. 19“For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders. 20“These are the things which defile the man; but to eat with unwashed hands does not defile the man.”

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People’s New Testament

4:19 Who being past feeling. Having trampled conscience under foot until it is calloused. Having silenced its admonitions, they give themselves over to lasciviousness, to work all uncleanness with greediness. To licentiousness and evil.

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THE CONSEQUENCE

… “given themselves over-In Ro 1:24 it is, “God gave them up to uncleanness.” Their giving themselves to it was punished in kind, God giving them up to it by withdrawing His preventing grace; their sin thus was made their punishment. They gave themselves up of their own accord to the slavery of their lust, to do all its pleasure, as captives who have ceased to strive with the foe. God gave them up to it, but not against their will; for they give themselves up to it” [Zanchius].

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Psalm 81:12 “So I gave them over to their stubborn hearts to follow their own devices.”

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American King James Version
“And lest, when I come again, my God will humble me among you, and that I shall mourn many which have sinned already, and have not repented of the uncleanness and fornication and lasciviousness which they have committed.”

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Romans 6:13 “Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness.”

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Romans 8:13” For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, …”

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Is “Fireproof” Helpful for Abusive Marriages?

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Ron Jeremy and Anti-Porn XXXchurch Pastor, America’s Ultimate Odd Couple

“XXXchurch has a simple message: Jesus loves you, even if you are a porn star.”

“XXXchurch.com is an online Christian-based church whose sole mission is to help people leave the porn industry and to counsel people suffering from sexual addiction towards recovery.”

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Stay Away from the Edge

by Mark Gungor on November 2nd, 2010

“Since then he had gone on to be a born-again believer, who loves God and is doing all he can to live for Jesus. He wrote to me explaining that he and his wonderful wife of ten years were having some issues. He was still struggling with the desires and “pictures” in his head after all this time and wanted to recreate those things of the past to make their sex life more interesting. That is the power of sexual imprinting.”

Pornography has turned men into selfish pigs who have lost the art of making love to a woman. People who struggle with this can be changed through prayer and with God’s help, but they must be very deliberate.  The bible tells us we will be transformed by the renewing of our minds. We need to change the way we think so that sex isn’t about being selfish and your spouse isn’t there just for you to be satisfied.”

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Parasites of Marriage: Pornography-Part 1

“Pornography has an addictive nature that acts like a narcotic in a person: the individual needs a bigger and bigger dose to get the same buzz.”

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Statistics on Pornography, Sexual Addiction, and Online Perpetrators

Christians, Pastors and Church Pornography Statistics

A 1996 Promise Keepers survey at one of their stadium events revealed that over 50% of the men in attendance were involved with pornography within one week of attending the event.

51% of pastors say cyber-porn is a possible temptation. 37% say it is a current struggle (Christianity Today, Leadership Survey, 12/2001).

Over half of evangelical pastors admits viewing pornography last year.

Roger Charman of Focus on the Family’s Pastoral Ministries reports that approximately 20 percent of the calls received on their Pastoral Care Line are for help with issues such as pornography and compulsive sexual behavior.

In a 2000 Christianity Today survey, 33% of clergy admitted to having visited a sexually explicit Web site. Of those who had visited a porn site, 53% had visited such sites “a few times” in the past year, and 18% visit sexually explicit sites between a couple of times a month and more than once a week.

29% of born again adults in the U.S. feel it is morally acceptable to view movies with explicit sexual behavior (The Barna Group).

57% of pastors say that addiction to pornography is the most sexually damaging issue to their congregation (Christians and Sex Leadership Journal Survey, March 2005).

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Is It Rape When Your Husband Does It?

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Pornography problems at work harm companies, coworkers

“With the explosion of smartphones, tablets, iPods and iPads, a growing number of employees find they can’t stay away from salacious sites and images, pulling up X-rated pages on their lunch hour, bathroom breaks and even in the middle of monitoring life-saving surgical equipment.”

“In her work as a psychotherapist, Layden said the erroneous statement she hears most often from perpetrators of sexual violence is that “women exist only to arouse me.”

“That belief is a core belief that fuels sexual violence,” she said. “It’s fueled by all this pornography that is completely pervasive and inundating on the Internet. It is damaging at every level. Every level of business is damaged by this message and by the use of that material on the job.”

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1Pornography at root of more and more domestic violence incidents

2 http://www.ncfpc.org/PolicyPapers/Findings%200407-SexualDegrad.pdf

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NEED HELP BREAKING FREE???

Castimonia is here to help.

Castimonia is a Christ-centered 12-Step Support and Recovery program for sexual impurity or sexual addiction with the goal to achieve a Biblically-based sexual purity. We share our experience, strength, and hope with each other so that we may achieve sexual purity and help others overcome sexual impurity or compulsive sexual behaviors.

Although we believe Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior, Christianity is not a requirement for attending meetings or working the 12-step program. We are open to any group or denomination. The only requirement for attendance and participation is the desire to stop compulsive sexual behavior and reach sexual purity.

Therefore, this group is open to any man who struggles with any type of sexual impurity.

There is no cost to attend Castimonia.

Castimonia is a ministry of Merimnao Ministry at The Fellowship at Cinco Ranch

Contact Castimonia

NOTE: SSOFDV is not associated with “Castimonia.” Just passing along information that may help someone who needs it.

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2 Comments

Posted by on July 2, 2012 in SEX AND THE BATTERED WOMAN

 

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WE ARE ON OUR HONEYMOON – AGAIN

By Terry Loving

As the young couple pour over the brightly colored brochures, they are filled with excitement – they are planning their honeymoon. After their wedding, they planned to get away – alone – and enjoy the bliss of holy matrimony. They finally decided on the beach, where they could build sand castles, and swim in the clear blue ocean – play as little children – reliving unabashed joy, setting aside the cares of the world – if only for a little while.

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They cherished every moment alone – asked strangers to take their picture as they walked along the shore, and clung to each other for dear life. Soon they would leave their paradise and return to the clamor of life – employment – setting up a home – and getting to know their new extended families. As the children come, they may not be able to afford another get-a-way like this for quite some time.

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But oh, the memories of their honeymoon will last a lifetime. They will watch the video over and over again, savoring every moment that was theirs and theirs alone. They vowed to make the beach where they stayed their favorite place – one where they will go to recapture that special place in time. They are in love – happy – and inseparable.

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Something happened – something changed – something went terribly wrong. Tension replaced bliss; trust became fear; smiles turned to frowns; yelling replaced sweet whispers; hugs gave way to choking; gentle caresses became pounding fists; sparkling eyes now fill with tears; the violence has begun – it is intense – monstrous – love turns to hate. He apologized.

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We are on our honeymoon – again – in our minds.  There is no beach, no pictures, no building sand castles, and no blue ocean. As she watches the video of a happier time, she contemplates the situation, desperately trying to figure out where she went wrong. “What mistakes have I made?” “How can I fix this?” “How can we get back to that blissful time – a time where he said he “loved me”? She does all she can to soothe him, but he is angry – and she cannot figure out why – so she blames herself.

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She no longer watches the video. Watching strangers enjoy her happy place is painful.  A new honeymoon has taken its place. It’s never ending, and no longer joyful. It is now a duty – to smile when she wants to cry. He demands that she fix herself up – black eyes are unflattering – he doesn’t care to see them when he rapes her – “Do something about it!” She complies.

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As he beats her unmercifully; she tries not to cry out. It is no use anyway – he doesn’t hear her anymore. He doesn’t see the woman he married anymore – she has become a shell – no longer pretty in his eyes. He is filled with disgust, rage, and verbal tirades – and still – she cannot figure out why. “I must be the blame” – she concludes again. She packs away the video, she has a new reality – new memories. She must find a way to endure – until the next honeymoon – she gets a reprieve – but only for a while.

He beat her – brought her flowers – she survived – this time.

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CYCLE OF VIOLENCE

“The cycle can happen hundreds of times in an abusive relationship. The total cycle can take anywhere from a few hours to a year or more to complete. It is important to remember that not all domestic violence relationships fit the cycle. Often, as time goes on, the ‘honeymoon’ stages disappear.”

http://www.wccpenang.org/domestic-violence/cycle-of-violence/

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DOMESTIC ABUSE – DOES IT EVER STOP?

https://ssofdv.wordpress.com/2011/02/21/domestic-abuse-does-it-ever-stop/

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“Wife tormented for 8 years before calling 911, prosecutors say”

“According to the Superior Court documents, the abuse began about 10 days after the couple’s honeymoon, when Glass allegedly slammed his wife’s head into a door and injured her eye. The woman, who has a master’s degree and is a nurse, sought medical treatment but did not report the abuse, court documents say.”

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.


 
2 Comments

Posted by on March 7, 2011 in CYCLE OF VIOLENCE

 

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AFTER THE VIOLENCE – THEY HAD SEX

By Terry Loving

It was another night of violence – body slamming – glass breaking – yelling – punching – the same scenario,  every time. Except this time, something was different.

My mother wasn’t sitting on the couch nursing her wounds. Maybe she didn’t get hurt that badly this time? Someone did – the sounds of violence were too intense for no harm done. Something was different though – it was quiet – too quiet – did someone die? Hopefully, it wasn’t my mother. What would we do? Where would we go? It was quiet, too quiet.

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As I slowly crept to the closed bedroom door, I heard moaning. Someone was still alive. Did my mother need a doctor? Was she bleeding like the last time? I was afraid to open the door – but I had to know if my mother needed help. My hands were shaking, but I forced them to turn the knob, and open the bedroom door. It was a “No-No” to open the grown-ups bedroom door without permission – but this was an emergency – my emergency – I had to find out if my mother was still alive.

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Nothing could have prepared my young mind for the confusion I experienced that day. My mother was alive, hurt, but alive. Her abuser was in the same position that he was always – on top – they were having sex. I stood there for just a moment trying to take it in. I wasn’t interested in the act itself – but the explanation. How could she take a beating like that, and they have sex afterward? I was a kid then, I can’t remember my age – but I knew that what was happening wasn’t something that was supposed to happen. Sex?? How??

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A friend of mine confided in me that his parents had sex after the violence as well. Ike Turner and many other abusers expect/demand sex after they beat their victims senseless. For abusers this is the icing on the violence, a coming down after a building up. For the victim, this is forced sex, humiliation, torture, adding insult to injury, and in many cases – marital rape.

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As a child, I could not understand why my mother would allow it. As an adult, I realize that she had no choice. Why face another beating when you are already bleeding and broken – just give in and survive. And that is what sex after a beat-down amounts to – survival. No one can convince me that a battered woman enjoys sex after physical abuse. Personally, I had a hard time being intimate with my ex-husband after his verbal tirades. In fact, I didn’t. So, I know that this isn’t sex that is enjoyed. If so, then both abuser and the abused have serious issues.

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If you are living with violence and abuse – sexual abuse – it won’t be long before you are an empty shell. You will be among the walking dead, soul-less, and you will have nothing left. I pray for your strength to get out of the hellish life you are living, seek help. If you stay, there are only two roads that will lead your life – anger and revenge – depression, and possibly suicide – either way – death. You are worth much more than that to God. He loves you. You are worthy of love and respect no matter what you have gone through. Honor yourself – live!

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NATIONAL CENTER  – on Domestic and Sexual Violence

http://www.ncdsv.org/

SIGNS OF ABUSE AND ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

MENTAL HEALTH RESOURCES

http://www.findcounseling.com/journal/domestic-violence/sexual-abuse.html

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“My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold and my refuge; My savior, You save me from violence.” (2 Samuel 22:3 – NASB)

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org


No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.

 
16 Comments

Posted by on October 20, 2010 in SEX AND THE BATTERED WOMAN

 

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