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THE BULLY IN YOUR BED

By Terry Loving

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

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THE BULLY PROJECT is a much needed endeavor to shed light on bullying amongst young people.  Numerous children suffer in silence for they are ashamed to tell anyone what is happening to them at school, on the playground, and in various social settings.

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While reading the information on The Bully Project’s website, it stood out that the dynamics of bullying are closely related to domestic abuse. There are slight variations such as children verses adults, and home verses school settings. However, the characteristics of the bully and abuser are very similar, and exact in many cases. The same goes for the victims of bullies; they closely mirror victims of domestic abuse, in character and suffering.

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I conclude therefore, the same bullies on the playground may grow up to terrorize their wives, girlfriends, and other companions. Their children may be on the receiving end of a child bully now fully grown, possessing the same hatefulness that slammed an innocent child’s head in a locker when he was 10-years old.

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One of the project’s goal is to have “Parents play a vital role in supporting their kids, promoting upstander rather than bystander behavior, and teaching and modeling empathy in the home.” The latter part is where bullying begins, “in the home.” If Johnny sees a father or boyfriend beating his mother constantly, he more than likely will mimic the behavior. Not all children who witness domestic abuse will become violent abusers. However, they will be affected negatively in some way just the same.

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Many abused women sleep beside a bully every night – “a tormentor, oppressor, aggressor, persecutor, tyrant, and intimidator.” The actions in the home are no different than what bullies exhibit in the classroom and other public places. School yard bullies “intimidate, terrorize, persecute, torment, frighten, oppress, browbeat, and harass.” Could we not say the same about domestic abusers?

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According to The Bully Project, the definition of “bully” “varies” – but most people agree that bullying amounts to:

  1. AN IMBALANCE OF POWER: people who bully use their power to control or harm and the people being bullied may have a hard time defending themselves.
  2. INTENT TO CAUSE HARM: actions done by accident are not bullying; the person bullying has a goal to cause harm.
  3. REPETITION: incidents of bullying happen to the same person over and over by the same person or group.

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Now, can you honestly read the above and conclude that domestic abusers are not BULLIES? ABUSERS ARE BULLIES! Many adult bullies were once playground bullies. I will say it again, ABUSERS ARE BULLIES! Even the types of bullying listed fit the motive operandi of domestic abusers:

  1. VERBAL: name calling and teasing
  2. SOCIAL: spreading rumors, leaving people out on purpose, break up friendships.
  3. PHYSICAL: hitting, punching, and shoving.
  4. CYBERBULLYING: using the Internet, mobile phones, or other digital technologies to harm others.

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One of the quotes on their site from “Kelby” states:

“You can always count on something happening when you’re walking down the hall at school…”

In domestic violence situations, the abused “can always count on something happening” as well. The “honeymoon stage” is not a reliable predictor of the imminent violence, however, there is usually calm before a storm.

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In addition, “Bullying often does not happen in an isolated context, with a single tormentor and victim.” This is the opposite view of domestic abuse. The abused usually have a “single tormentor” and most always are the “victim.” There may be exceptions where different cultures and families side with the abusers, and gang up on the abused – physically and mentally. But the norm is the abused are “isolated” from support and live with a bully in secret. Another similarity is, “… the person being bullied does not know how or does not have the power to make it stop.” The abused seek answers to this dilemma every day through prayer, Internet research, talking to trusted confidants and the like.

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Bullying causes many young people to become depressed and withdrawn. We hear stories all the time about the bullied teen that committed suicide. What we do not hear often is the number of abused persons who kill themselves for they see no other way out of domestic terrorism. The Bully Project also states that “Over 13 million American kids will be bullied this year…” Domestic abuse is a worldwide epidemic!

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Lastly, “empathy” is mentioned as a key ingredient to ending bullying. This can also be said for domestic violence. When we learn to treat others with understanding, compassion, and caring about the feelings of another, then and only then will we see progress. If children witness hatred, abuse and violence in their homes, how can they know to treat others with kindness? Another reason why some kids are so angry is the fact that they are abused themselves.

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Ephesians 6:4 teaches – “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” Many children grow up in hellish environments with an abusive caregiver short circuiting their development with abuse. The helplessness they feel is often transferred to their peers or siblings. The little abusers often grow up to be big abusers – weighing more, taller, more powerful – and capable of much more damage to others.

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Barnes’ Notes on the Bible

“And ye fathers – A command addressed particularly to “fathers,” because they are at the head of the family, and its government is especially committed to them. The object of the apostle here is, to show parents that their commands should be such that they can be easily obeyed, or such as are entirely reasonable and proper. If children are required to “obey,” it is but reasonable that the commands of the parent should be such that they can be obeyed, or such that the child shall not be discouraged in his attempt to obey.”

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“Provoke not your children to wrath – That is, by unreasonable commands; by needless severity; by the manifestation of anger. So govern them, and so punish them – if punishment is necessary – that they shall not lose their confidence in you, but shall love you. The apostle here has hit on the very danger to which parents are most exposed in the government of their children. It is that of souring their temper; of making them feel that the parent is under the influence of anger, and that it is right for them to be so too. This is done:

(1) when the commands of a parent are unreasonable and severe. The spirit of a child then becomes irritated, and he is “discouraged;” Colossians 3:21.

(2) when a parent is evidently “excited” when he punishes a child. The child then feels:

(a) that if his “father” is angry, it is not wrong for him to be angry; and,

(b) the very fact of anger in a parent kindles anger in his bosom – just as it does when two men are contending.”

The opposite is permissive parenting. There are parents who see no wrong in much of anything their child does. Therefore, if there are no consequences at home, a bully will not expect them elsewhere.

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Proverbs 19:18 “Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.”

Proverbs 22:15 “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.”

Proverbs 23:13 “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.”

Proverbs 23:14 “Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.”

Proverbs 29:15 “The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.”

NOTE: The above scriptures are not referring to physical abuse – beatings with ironing cords, sticks, bats, or any type of abusive corrections.

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The bully that sleeps beside you at night may have been angered and hurt by a parent or caregiver. Or, he or she has lived a life of entitlement, and therefore expects everyone to bow to their every whim. Yes, children are influenced by society – peer pressure, movies, television, and a host of other inventions of the devil. However, it is within our homes that we breed little terrorist who become tomorrow’s abusers.

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The only way parents are going to promote “empathy” in the home is with the Word of God.

American King James Version
“All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:”

The Bully Project is a wonderful idea. Surely it will take a village for “bystanders” to become “upstanders.” However without changed hearts, and walking in a new direction – spiritually – this and many other efforts to cease violence within our society may prove to be in vain. I am not putting their efforts down, but I am emphasizing the teaching of God’s Word in our homes and our church environments. Our heavenly Father is no longer welcome in our schools; therefore Christian parents especially are responsible for the spiritual wellbeing of their children.

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We have a whole generation of young people lost and out of control. It seems like people are making babies, and leaving them to fend for themselves. The “village” is gone; Christian parenting is falling by the wayside; the sensuality of the world has captured the hearts and minds of our young; the devil is killing kids with drugs and alcohol; teen pregnancy is now a badge of honor; domestic violence is warping young minds and short circuiting their God given potential – and our churches for the most part preach prosperity to a dying world – why?

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The next time you watch the bully in your bed slumber, remember that it is not your fault that he or she is the way they are. Someone failed them somewhere along the line, and it was not you. The mold was set, the die cast long before your paths crossed. Your bully could have been a terror on the playground, threw chairs in kindergarten, or broke his little sister’s arm – but he is still without excuse for what he does to you. The bully in your bed is responsible for his actions – and no one else. YOU  the abused – CANNOT “FIX” A BULLY!

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Many children grow up with violence and abuse, but they choose not to do unto others what has been done to them. Violence is a choice – from the bully on the playground to the bully in your life. ABUSERS ARE BULLIES! Make no mistake about it. Get help – get free.

Peace.

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Video Of Bully Victim Casey Heynes Bodyslamming His Bully

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Study: Schoolyard Bullies Four Times More Likely to Abuse Spouses as Adults

“Research does indicate that in many cases, the bullies are getting their behavior from somewhere. They have witnessed like behavior,” said Warner. “One of the biggest risk factors is their environment.”

“The study also found a link between “bullying others at school and perpetration of IPV (intimate partner violence].”

“It was the latest study to indicate that many bullies do not outgrow their aggression. Past research has shown that bullies are at a higher risk of bullying their own kids, losing a job, and getting involved in the criminal justice system.”

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Bullies face prosecution in domestic violence crackdown

“Men who bully or abuse their partners in a “controlling” fashion could face criminal charges under a shake-up of domestic violence laws being planned by ministers.”

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Violence in the Family by Deborah Carpenter with Christopher J. Ferguson, Ph.D.

…”what if what the little girl sees is mommy yelling at the bank teller, insulting the grocery clerk, and badmouthing the other moms in the playgroup? And what if the young boy sees his father berating his mother, insulting the dinner she’s made, and tossing his fork across the room after he pronounces the evening meal disgusting and inedible? What if these kids witness more severe forms of domestic violence? What then?”

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Bullying is Domestic Violence At Work

The abuser is on the payroll!

“In 98% of domestic violence cases, the perpetrator is the man. In bullying, the majority of abusers, 62%, are male; women are famously perpetrators, too. So, regardless of gender, the bully-abuser dehumanizes her or his prey. She can have such contempt for the target that she refuses to grant even the minimal respect due to a fellow human being. Dehumanization enables the severe mistreatment. When the recipient is not seen as an equal, it is easy to denigrate, belittle and humiliate. The target is a lesser-than object not deserving decent treatment.”

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Domestic Violence and the Holocaust — 10 Similarities

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Movie Review: Bully – Uncovering The Desperate Cries For Help

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How does a Child become a Bully?

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Police handcuff Ga. kindergartner for tantrum

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stopbullying.gov

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THE BULLY ROUNDUP

“Bullies aren’t all big and muscle-y. Bullies come in all shapes and sizes — and it’s not like you can tell who they are by what they look like. You can only tell a bully by their actions — they make themselves feel powerful by threatening, embarrassing, or hurting others. If you have ever been around a bully or been picked on by a bully, you know how hurtful they can be. But, there are things you can do to stay out of a bully’s way.”

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BULLYING AMONG GIRLS

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The ABCs of Bullying
Addressing, Blocking, and Curbing School Aggression

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Bullying in America’s schools

(This link has many videos to view on bullying)

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Domestic Violence class for Bullies

“Bullies in school who bully other children are guilty of domestic abuse.”

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NJ bully’s paralyzing punch nets $4.2M settlement

“Sawyer was punched in the abdomen at school on May 16, 2006, dropping him to his knees. When he came home that day he complained of pain in his back but otherwise felt fine, his father, Joel Rosenstein, told The Record of Woodland Park.

Two days later, the seventh-grader let out a scream in his bedroom.

“We picked him up and called an ambulance,” the father told the newspaper. “He hasn’t walked since.”

The blow had caused a clot in a major artery that supplies blood to his spine, leaving him paralyzed from the waist down from what his attorney described as an “incredibly rare” injury.

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“This action-packed family film stars Steve Austin as Dan Barnes, a former pro boxer who retired after growing weary of his violent existence. Now a school janitor, Dan tries to help a new student, Matthew Miller (Daniel Magder), who is being targeted by bullies. While Matthew learns how to box and stand up to his tormenters, one of whom is the school boxing champ, Dan’s newfound role as a teacher helps him come to terms with his tumultuous past.”     http://movies.netflix.com/movie/Knockout/70170176

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‘Bye dad’: Last words of boy who was bullied at school for months before he leapt off motorway bridge

By Daily Mail Reporter
UPDATED:03:24 EST, 21 May 2010

“A quiet, studious and sensitive youngster, despite being an ‘exemplary’ pupil, school prefect and destined to study computing and business at university, the youngster told his father the school had ‘ruined my life’ then ran to a bridge over the M6 motorway and leapt over the side.”

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Can a Kid Be a Psychopath?

“I’ve always said that Michael will grow up to be either a Nobel Prize winner or a serial killer,” his mother, Anne, tells Jennifer Kahn in a recent shocking New York Times Magazine article. At age 9, her son has an extreme temper, lashing out violently and deliberately and showing no empathy or remorse. He’s intelligent, cold, calculating, and explosive. “It takes a toll,” she says, explaining her comment. “There’s not a lot of joy and happiness in raising Michael.”

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Some healing for woman bullied as a teen

“A woman who was bullied mercilessly in high school 25 years ago has gotten some closure from a class reunion page on Facebook.”

“Lynda Frederick, a graduate of Orange Glen High in Escondido, Calif., in 1987, posted a heartbreaking poem about her experience on her school’s 25th class reunion page.”

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Florida Mom Arrested for Choking 14-Year-Old Bully Offers Advice to Parents

“They have all these anti-bully laws but, when it comes down to it, it falls on deaf ears.”

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http://spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 20092012
All rights reserved.

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Posted by on April 15, 2012 in VIOLENCE AMONG US

 

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