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ABUSERS – TAKE A LOOK AT YOURSELF!

By Terry Loving

WARNING – GRAPHIC VIDEO!

The above video represents a violent and brutal home invasion caught on a nanny cam in Millburn, NJ. The date of the attack was June 21, 2013 at 10 a.m. in the morning.

“The incident in a Millburn living room last Friday was caught on camera, authorities have said. In the video, a young mother is shown watching cartoons with her 3-year-old daughter – and then a loud crash is heard from off-camera. Within moments, an intruder lunges at the woman, pummeling her with his fists and kicking her in the head before tossing her down a flight of stairs off-camera. An 18-month-old son was asleep upstairs at the time of the crime, authorities have said.”

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“The victim tried not to scream as she was beaten, because she didn’t want to traumatize her daughter, she told authorities.”

The video shows what a violent crime looks like,” Acting Essex County Prosecutor Carolyn Murray said. “We have a tremendous amount of violent crime in Essex County, but when people in the community see what it really looks like that’s why we got the outpouring of assistance that we did.”

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Forty-two year old Shawn Custis showed the world what violent domestic abusers do every day. I am not taking anything away from this poor woman and her child who was a witness. For his crimes, Shawn should pay dearly, and never taste freedom ever again. He has a history of criminal charges which proves that he will not change, and may kill someone next time.

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home-invasion2

I needed to post the video for it reminded me of what I witnessed as a child. I still have memories of my mother being beaten the very way this woman was – her child will never forget either. I am shaking as I type this post. There is tightness in my chest – this took me back to a day that was pressed down deep within my memory. I am trying not to cry.

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It is my hope that domestic abusers watch this video and see themselves. This is what they do behind closed doors. Let me just address them directly.

Abusers – you should be ashamed of yourselves! See yourself in this video and REPENT! You beat down innocent and defenseless women; scar their children for life – and for what? To prove that you are a man? I am so very angry today! I am hurting and praying for all the women you hurt. Most of all, I pray that you will find God and change. There is no excuse for the terror that you dish out, no excuse at all.

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One day you will stand before God and give an account. Look at the video, see yourself as God sees you and decide how you will answer. My guess is you will be so frightened before our Creator, reduced to weak knees with fright that you will be at a loss for words – your very heart will fail you.

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Shawn arrest

You think that what you do behind closed doors is not seen by anyone – not so. Just as you look at this video and witness the evil and ugly truth of violence against women – so does God:

5And GOD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. 6And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart. Genesis 6:5-6

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Abusers, you are grieving the very heart of God. Each time you hurt one of His children, you are ripping His heart apart. You feel safe behind closed doors as if no one sees your ugly deeds, but you are very wrong.

10But why dost thou judge thy brother? or why dost thou set at nought thy brother? for we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ.

11For it is written, As I live, saith the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God.

12So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.

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china man beats woman

When you brutalize your loved ones, you are passing judgment upon them. You have deemed them guilty of trespassing your warped sense of right and wrong – and sentenced them to vicious beatings and mistreatment. You regard the abused with contempt, you despise them, and you hate God and His righteousness. Why? Did God treat you this way when you made mistakes?

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Perhaps someone abused and misused you as a child. Should that not be enough reason not to hurt others as you have been hurt? Why are you so angry? The Bible says:

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.” Ephesians 4:31

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This means that you are in charge of your anger. It also means that God will help you to “put away from you” the destructive emotions that cause you to lash out unjustly – if your heart is teachable. Whatever fears you have, abandonment, not being good enough – whatever – God can, and is willing to help you. But first, you must admit that you have a problem with a lack of self-control. I know, for I was once an angry person, and I felt I had every right to be considering what I had to endure in my mother’s house. But I lashed out in the wrong way – and used the smallest disagreements to vent my frustrations. It wasn’t until I acknowledged to God that I had a problem with anger – and I did not know for most of my life – that God was able to wash me clean of bitterness.

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man-beats-woman

Let me ask you this – does it matter to you that you will damage a child for life? When children witness domestic violence and abuse, your brutal actions and verbal tirades short circuit their emotional growth, plant seeds of fear, and instill negative and hurtful memories for life. Are you bold enough to stand before God and give an account? God may not approve of our actions, but He loves all mankind – especially children. When you abuse and rape, you abuse and rape the heart of God.

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“If anyone causes one of these little ones–those who believe in me–to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.” Matthew 18:6

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“If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left,” Hebrews 10:26

“How much more severely do you think someone deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God underfoot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified them, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace?” Hebrews 10:29

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“All this I have seen and applied my mind to every deed that has been done under the sun wherein a man has exercised authority over another man to his hurt.” Ecclesiastes 8:9

“When you sin against them in this way and wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ.” 1 Corinthians 8:12

And I saw something else under the sun: In the place of judgment–wickedness was there, in the place of justice–wickedness was there.” Ecclesiastes 3:16

“Again I looked and saw all the oppression that was taking place under the sun: I saw the tears of the oppressed– and they have no comforter; power was on the side of their oppressors– and they have no comforter.”  Ecclesiastes 4:1

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GodLooksAtTheHeart

“Shawn Custis has been charged with first-degree attempted murder, first-degree robbery, second-degree burglary and two counts of endangering the welfare of a child, according to Kathy Carter, a spokeswoman for the prosecutor’s office.”

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Any man who beats a woman, wife, girlfriend – whoever, should be charged with “attempted murder.” To what “degree” I don’t know, but abusers should not get away with a slap on the wrist – especially when the violence is carried out in front of children.

Until our world understands that what took place in this video is the face of domestic violence, nothing much will change. Domestic violence is a crime! The fact that it happens mostly behind closed doors does not lessen the severity and criminal element of the acts. It can happen to anyone, at any time.

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This video opened an old wound, and there will always be triggers. I am outraged by the vicious attack on this woman in the security of her own home. And yet, this happens every day in America – women brutalized and killed by deranged evil abusers in a place they should feel the safest – home. Will this open your eyes now????

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I believe every Pastor should see this video, and then they may not be so quick to send the abused back to their abusers. Perhaps then they will understand that cooking better, keeping quiet, being more intimate and the like is not the problem concerning abuse. Abusers are the problem period!

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wife_beating

Shawn plead “Not Guilty” – really Shawn?

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Comments concerning the brutality of Shawn Custis:

We believe it was his intent to kill the woman,” Chief Assistant Prosecutor Thomas Fennelly said. (Could we not say the same concerning domestic abusers? The highlighted words below is describe what the abused suffer every day!)

  • ·         A brutal mid-morning New Jersey home invasion
  • ·         an assault
  • ·         mother suffered a vicious beating at the hands of the 5-foot-11, 210-pound suspect
  • ·         chilling video captured the entire midday attack
  • ·         “He bombards her and starts wailing away.”
  • ·         The suspect throws the woman down, punches her several times in the face before picking her up and throwing her down. He goes upstairs to ransack the bedroom and as he returns, kicks the woman in the face as she struggles to regain her feet.
  • ·         … “she moans.”
  • ·         “He’s a lefty, every punch and kick was lefty,”
  • ·         his reactions were violent.
  • ·         “There was no reason for it, she would have given him anything he wanted,” Palardy said.
  • ·         In his final sickening act, the man throws her mother down the steps,
  • ·         The stunning, midday attack is so shocking
  • ·         The woman was treated at the hospital for leg and face injuries suffered at the man’s hands.
  • ·         “They wanted to show how violent this person is because they want him caught as much as we do,” Palardy said. “And we’re not going to sleep until this guy is caught.”
  • Thankfully she’s ok, physically; but you never know the emotional scars left on her, her daughter, and her husband who probably feels guilty that he wasn’t around to stop this beast!

dead woman

“The question arises in a case like this: “What Would You Do?”; but I think the answers will be obvious.”

Here are some of the answers to the above question:

  • Let’s hope someone in the community takes care of this animal the same way he treaded this lady. Waste of time going though the legal system.
  • He should be shot on sight.
  • 4 words…..tall tree, short rope.
  • They caught him and he is pleading not guilty, I hope they lock him up and throw away the key on this piece of garbage
  • i agree. As a young black man.. This is horrifying… sickening… He needs to be thrown in prison and then they should throw away the key… Bad enough black men have a bad rep, this doesnt help at all…

beat-up-women-513

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Now my questions are:

Why no outrage concerning domestic violence and abuse? Why is the church silent? Why do Preachers send the abused back to what we witnessed in the video? Why no concern for the women who suffer this evil every day of their lives and some die? What makes this crime different besides the fact that this was a home invasion? The action of the perpetrators are the same are they not – both robber and abuser?

Most of all, why do we close our eyes? This level of brutality happens in American homes and around the world daily – 24-7. Worst of all, many perpetrators are so-called “Christians.” Why????

“but when people in the community see what it really looks like that’s why we got the outpouring of assistance that we did.”

OK world, now you have had an opportunity to “see what it really looks like,”  – the evil of domestic violence – what are you going to do about it?

If you see yourself as the aggressor in this video and you continue, you really have no heart.

Sigh….

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women in hospital

Woman allegedly professes love for man who beat her with baseball bat

“When KCTV5 last spoke to Taylor, she said she hoped to inspire other women and girls to stand up against domestic violence and break the silence.”

“You can stand up for yourself. There’s ways you can do it, even if you have to whisper in somebody’s ear and have somebody else take action for you. There’s always a way to get out,” Taylor said.

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WHY DON’T PEOPLE TALK ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?

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DO ABUSERS HAVE A CONSCIENCE?

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DOMESTIC ABUSE IN CHRISTIAN HOMES – Recommended Reading

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Prayer-Request2Please click on picture to request prayer.

http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org. – 2013

All rights reserved.

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2 Comments

Posted by on July 6, 2013 in VIOLENCE AMONG US

 

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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE – THE DEATH OF A CHILD

By Terry Loving

child-in-coffinTrain up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6

“Then said he unto the disciples, It is impossible but that offences will come: but woe unto him, through whom they come! It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.” Luke 17:1-2

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In homes where domestic violence occurs, fear, instability, and confusion replace the love, comfort, and nurturing children need. These children live in constant fear of physical harm from the person who is supposed to care for and protect them. They may feel guilt at loving the abuser or blame themselves for causing the violence. “Domestic Violence, Understanding a Community Problem,” National Woman Abuse Prevention Fund.”

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PLEASE NOTE: No matter what – abusers are still responsible for their violence and abuse.

I post a lot about the abuse of women, and I have also written about the not so exposed fact that men can and do suffer domestic abuse – yes, it happens. I would like to spend time talking about the children that live in violent homes, the “silent witnesses” to the evil tyranny that destroys many innocent lives.

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 We know that children die in violent homes – fathers, boyfriends, mothers, girlfriends, family members, friends – all at some point have caused the death of a child during a domestic violence incident. Domestic-suicides are on the rise, and sadly children are killed just because they are in the home – no other reason – they are innocent, but often found guilty by association. I personally know of a sweet 9-year old boy who was murdered along with his mother by her live-in boyfriend. The child was watching cartoons, and had done nothing wrong. His mother’s abuser called him “a momma’s boy.”

frightened_child_14694662

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Today, I want to focus on the death of children that are still living. Some label what happens to abused children as a “death of the spirit,” and rightly so. Even though the child who constantly witnesses violence and perhaps suffers abuse directly is growing up physically, their inner core – their innocent free spirit is murdered, and they spend their entire lives trying to unsuccessfully resurrect the dead child. They spend their lives in confusion and pain – left unto themselves to put the pieces of their shattered souls together to make sense of what they endured.

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One of the reasons that I held off writing this post, is the fact that I cannot speak for the children without disclosing my own painful experiences – they have shaped my life – and not in many positive ways. Not only are my experiences traumatic, but they are embarrassing, humiliating, sinful, evil, shameful and have caused relationship confusion over the course of my life.

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Perhaps much of the same scenario is within abusive homes without the presence of alcohol or drugs – from my standpoint however, I can only speak about a home filled with alcoholism and violence. My two brothers and I suffered in many ways – for me – unspeakable horror.

Disciplining Children through Beating

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For the women who are desperately trying to leave abuse, I commend you and please do not take offense to what I have written. Many of you are not alcoholics, poor, uneducated and selfish – my mother was all of these and more.It is my belief that if we are going to expose the horrors of domestic violence and abuse, we have to cover all areas. This evil comes in many forms and the perpetrators can be male or female.

I do not look down on my mother because of her lack of education and her constant poverty – but know this, alcoholism creates and exasperates poverty in many cases. I say my mother was “selfish” because she had many options to leave abuse, get help for her alcoholism, place her children in safe care, but she chose none of these options when presented. Alcoholism is an extremely selfish “disease” as it has been labeled. The Bible does not see this lifestyle as a “disease.”

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Proverbs 20:1 “Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise.”

Isaiah 5:11 “Woe to those who rise early in the morning to run after their drinks, who stay up late at night till they are inflamed with wine.”

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Children immersed in a culture of violence become insecure and lack an inner conscience that holds respect for others. They are easily discouraged and have low self-esteem. They live without hope. From such a life comes confusion, hostility and violence.” Roger Toogood, ASW/ACSW Executive Director, Children’s Home Society of Minnesota

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 CHILD_ABUSE_by_COR_IESU

There are many abused women who suffer abuse at the hands of one man for years. And there are others who continually find themselves in one abusive relationship after another – this is the case with my mother. She was not married to either of her abusers, and separated from my father whom she was married to. I never heard of my father abusing her, however, he had an alcohol problem as well. He left my two brothers and me when I was 3-years old.

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As an adult, I cannot understand why she allowed herself to be treated so badly. Out of all of her siblings, she was the only one that I know of beaten by violent men. Many of the men in our generation were alcoholics, and only one uncle was violent when he drank his poison of choice. I never heard of my mother being mistreated as a child, although her father left when she was young as well. I tried to connect the dots, but she is the only one who lived this way constantly.

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“Approximately one third of the men counseled for battering are professional men who are well respected in their jobs and in their communities. These have included doctors, physiologists, lawyers, ministers and business executives.” David Adams, “Identifying the Assaultive Husband in Court: You Be the Judge.” Boston Bar Journal, July/August, 1989.

 drunk-women

 Many times my brothers and I were hungry. I can remember going to bed hungry, getting up hoping there was breakfast at least, and going to school on the same empty stomach that I went to sleep on the previous night. There was no shortage of alcohol, only food. I can still see myself getting off the school bus with fingers crossed that there would be food at home – sometimes there was, and many times not. This is one of the atrocities of domestic violence and alcoholism.

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The wars at home are forever pressed in my mind. I can still see and hear that little girl screaming, “LEAVE MY MOMMY ALONE!” I can still hear the sounds of glass breaking, body slamming, screaming, and see ever still the sight of blood. I was in my thirties when I stopped having nightmares, and at the age of 61, I still have flashbacks and painful memories that haunt me and they will never go away.

foodad_hungrgychildren

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My brothers grew up and learned to abuse their wives. My oldest brother’s wife left him, and he abused a girlfriend that took his life. He was an alcoholic as well. Our home was a haven for anyone, young or old who desired to drink, smoke cigarettes and party. My other brother became a Christian and ceased to abuse his wife, they are still together – he refused to bail like my father did. I cannot say much more about him for he is still alive.

 

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Children often times rely on the abusers for food and shelter, but secretly wish they would disappear or die. I hated to see my mother’s abusers come home, and yet – I was glad to see any signs of hope that we would eat. If the abuser decided to stay away, especially when he got paid and my mother did not have money, we starved. During bouts of hunger I learned false pride. I had one or two friends then, and when I was offered food at their home I would kindly say, “I’m OK.” They knew I was hungry but they did not press the issue if I refused.

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We constantly moved due to evictions of non-payment of rent. We moved so much our family members called us “Gypsies.” I never understood that as a child. In the 60’s and 70’s, the Constable would plaster a bright orange eviction notice on the brick wall outside of the house. Everyone that passed by knew we were being kicked out. Often times we would have to bathe in cold water, and wash clothes in the bathtub. When the water went cold, and the food was scarce trouble was on the horizon.

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eviction

I was molested in the first or second grade – I cannot remember which. My mother had a job at the time, and she trusted one of her boyfriends to watch me because I was home from school with a cold. The memory is so vivid that I can still see the teddy bears on my pajamas. This was my first introduction to the male anatomy. I never told my mother because the devil threatened to “kill her.” Of course I believed him – why not – he beat her bloody, why not kill her too?

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Worst of all, my own mother betrayed me for alcohol. She got drunk with no money, and I paid the price. I wrote the details in my book – one that I have been too ashamed to publish – but asking God to give me strength if it will help someone else.

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I was always ashamed to bring friends home, which is why I had one or two. I would mostly go to visit at their home. I hated for anyone to see my mother drunk and I was very embarrassed. Our home was embarrassing as well – it looked like a war zone, and very dismal.

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HEALTH Alcohol 074058

I have given you the short version of some of the things I suffered as a child. I can tell you straight up, children witnessing domestic violence will kill the child that was meant to laugh and play like children should. I was never a child. I had to cook, clean, take care of the home and an alcoholic mother. I do not have fun child-hood memories that children should have. I mostly remember wars, betrayal and things I will take to my grave.

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 “Survivors of domestic violence face high rates of depression, sleep disturbances, anxiety, flashbacks, and other emotional distress.”  http://www.safehorizon.org/index/what-we-do-2/domestic-violence–abuse-53/domestic-violence-the-facts-195.html

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All of the above is true – survivors carry a ton of weight and the “flashbacks” never cease. I can watch a movie, read a book, work my ministry and my mind will click with another horrible memory. The sad part is, I struggle with my feelings towards my mother. The Bible admonishes us to forgive so that we ourselves can be forgiven. The problem is this, I will remember something, get angry, cry, and forgive – but the cycle continues to a point that I despise her over and over again. We did not have to go through her messed up life. She was selfish, and claimed to love her children, but she did not. Again, if you do not fit into this category please do not take my pain personally. Do all you can to not allow your own children to suffer and repeat the cycle of domestic violence and abuse.

depression

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I saved the statistics until last because I needed to make this post more personal. I have adult friends that have suffered and shared, but others who act like they were not affected – I do not believe that.

Another thing that bothers me is this – when children grow up under these circumstances, family members especially, neighbors and sometimes friends never consider the source. They will say things like, “Don’t let your daughter hang out with her,” or “He was a mean little boy.” They never say, “Man, they sure messed those kids up!” Domestic violence and abuse will kill your children literally and spiritually. Get out if you can!

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Save your children! You owe them that much and more. If not, they will pass on family dysfunction to the next generation. Every area of their lives will be affected, trust me – I know.

Don’t let your children die!

Ignoring the consequences of exposure to violence on children can negatively impact their cognitive development as well as their emotional and physical health (Edleson, 1999). Complicating these risks and negative impacts is the fact that these children are at higher risk for child maltreatment, with estimates indicating that as many as 70% of children exposed to domestic violence are also victims of child maltreatment (Fantuzzo & Mohr, (1999)

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COMMENT ON VIDEO

“I grew up in a home where I would have to fight my father to allow my mother to get away. There were times where I had to get my bb gun at 11-12 years old and aim at my father just to get his attention. The fights my parents had were bad, they dealt a damage to one another all the time but my dad had the advantage. Idk.. stuff like this just never leaves. Theres not a day that goes by where I dont stop thinking about it and this is 6-7 years later. No child should grow up in a home with violence.

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COMMENT ON VIDEO

“Some parents shouldn’t be parents at all. I was abused by a borderline personality disorder (look up the movie Mommie Dearest) mother and a father that enabled her behavior and many times participated in the humiliation, beatings, lies along with physical and mental abuse. My sisters and I suffer in our adulthood and we’ll continue suffering until the day we die. This type of pain never goes away.”

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COMMENT ON VIDEO

“i think i suffer a different degree of PTSD. Domestic verbal abuse and parents would argue all the time. But after all of that stopped my mother dies in a car accident. I still remember the day, songs i heard, games i played, book i read, and the warrant officer who told me the bad news. PTSD is hell in your brain. I cant socialize, have fun, and be an amusing human like i used to. it’s like half of your soul dies. time can heal it as it’s doing for me. but there will always be a scar.”

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5 Ways Domestic Violence Causes Harm to Children

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“Children may exhibit emotional problems, cry excessively, or be withdrawn or shy. Children may have difficulty making friends or have fear of adults. Children may suffer from depression and excessive absences from school. Children may use violence for solving problems at school and home. Children may be at greater risk of being a runaway, being suicidal, or committing criminal acts as juveniles and adults. Children who are experiencing stress may show it in different ways, including difficulty in sleeping, bedwetting, over-achieving, behavior problems, withdrawing, stomach aches, headaches and/or diarrhea.”

“Children who grow up in violent homes have much higher risks of becoming drug or alcohol abusers or being involved in abusive relationships, as a batterer or a victim. Children do not have to be abused themselves in order to be impacted by violence in the home.”    http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/effects.htm

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Parenting after Separating from Your Abusive Ex — by Dr George Simon Jr

“Remember that you have no power over the nature and quality of the relationship your children will have with your ex. And it’s extremely counterproductive to carry out a covert war against your abusive ex through your children. It will only demonize you in their eyes and invite them to over-idealize their character-deficient other parent. Instead, focus intently on the nature of your own relationship with them.”

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Effects of Domestic Violence on Children

“It was reported in 1992 that 63% of children between the ages of 11 and 20 who were in prison, were there because they killed their mother’s batterer.”

“Do statistics like this startle you? Do they make you think about the kind of situation the child must have been in to even think of murder as a solution? Sadly more children than you might think live in homes where domestic violence occurs on a regular basis.”

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Child Protection in Families Experiencing Domestic Violence

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PTSD in Children and Adolescents

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Post-traumatic Stress in Children and Adolescents Exposed to Family Violence: I. Overview and Issues

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Women, Domestic Violence, and Posttraumatic Stress

Disorder (PTSD)*

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Child murder by mothers: patterns and prevention

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RISKS POSED TO CHILDREN FROM VIOLENT HOMES

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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND ALCOHOL

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THE THINGS WE DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT

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Domestic Violence: A Power Struggle With Lasting Consequences

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http://emily.last-memories.com/

“Child Abuse is real. It’s not something in fairy tales, or songs. It happens every day. Children cannot fight the real life monsters in their life, it’s our job as human beings with hearts to do it for them. We have to stop being silent and covering up. We must take a stand. We must continue the fight to stop child abuse. It’s too late to change what happened to Emily but let her story be a reminder to you, that we have to put an end to child abuse. For Emily, for the future of our children.”

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Alcohol is one of Satan’s tools of destruction. The book of Wisdom warns of becoming partakers and shows the results:

“Who has woe? Who has sorrow?
Who has contentions? Who has complaining?
Who has wounds without cause?
Who has redness of eyes?
Those who linger long over wine,
Those who go to taste mixed wine.
Do not look on the wine when it is red,
When it sparkles in the cup,
When it goes down smoothly;
At last it bites like a serpent
And stings like a viper.
Your eyes will see strange things
And your mind will utter perverse things,
And you will be like one who lies down in the middle of
the sea,
Or one who lies down on top of a mast.
They struck me, but I did not become ill;
They beat me, but I did not know it.
When shall I awake?
I will seek another drink.”

(Proverbs 23:29-35)

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“Child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime.”
– Herbert Ward

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bastard out of carolina

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com

“This fine but shocking drama (which Ted Turner paid for and then refused to show on his cable outfits), based on the novel by Dorothy Allison, concerns extensive abuse endured by a girl (Jena Malone) at the hands of her stepfather (Ron Eldard), while her mother (Jennifer Jason Leigh) looks the other way. Anjelica Huston made her directorial debut with this film and demonstrates that talent also runs in the family when behind the camera. Difficult to watch but mitigated by Huston’s intelligent approach and sense of balance–as well as outstanding performances–this is a significant film best left to the most mature audiences. –Tom Keogh”

What’s more, Bone’s mother has to choose between her daughter and the man she loves.

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009-2013
All rights reserved.

 
8 Comments

Posted by on April 29, 2013 in PROTECTING CHILDREN FROM ABUSE

 

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DO BATTERER COUNSELING PROGRAMS WORK?

Cover of

Cover of The Batterer: A Psychological Profile

By Terry Loving

“Critics say the problem with the programs is that they ignore research linking domestic violence to substance abuse and psychological problems, such as attachment disorders, traced to childhood abuse or neglect.”

“But the protocol stresses that substance abuse is not the cause of domestic violence. And it prohibits the programs from stressing therapy, including couples counseling, as treatment.

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I suspect many abused women would happily remain with the men that beat them if they could just get some help and change. Not every abused man or woman desires to end their marriage or relationship. There are a lot of “good” qualities that their abusers possess – according to the abused – thus, it is difficult to view their abusers as total jerks that take pleasure in hurting them.

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As well as our religious institutions, many mental health agencies are ill-equipped to deal with the onslaught of abusers within our society. Often times, a judge may order an abuser to attend domestic violence and abuse programs. But do they really rehabilitate violent tempers, and bring peace to homicidal-raging souls? Do the programs address inner pain, childhood abuse, substance abuse, spiritual issues, and financial problems – in other words – the full dynamics of what makes up a person’s complete character? Can these programs promise that a batterer will not repeat the violence that landed him in jail in the first place?

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I am not knocking the hard work that many professionals and religious folk utilize to change violent and abusive behaviors – I just want to know if their methods work. Are there any testimonials that other batterers can be encouraged by to know that change is possible for them as well? Does one size fit all? What will it take for change? Have any batterers gone back to being violent and abusive after attending a program?

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“The stakes are high: One large study found that the most important reason for a victim to take an abuser back was his decision to attend one of these intervention programs.” 1

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“Peter Diessel fidgeted as he sat at a table with other men who had physically abused women. It was his latest attempt to change behavior that stretches back 18 years. His problem, he told the group, had surfaced shortly after his honeymoon.”

“That’s when I started getting abusive,” Diessel said later, recalling the moment when he first violently laid hands on his wife.”

“Diessel, 42, a long-married suburban businessman, has sought a variety of professional help. He said substance-abuse treatment made him stop physically abusing his wife.

But their relationship hasn’t improved, even with couples counseling and his involvement in the Rolling Meadows program, which he signed up for at her urging.

“Changing the way you think, you perceive, you react, is very difficult,” he said.

His wife, Denise, said their relationship has gotten worse since Diessel entered the batterer intervention program. She doubts any treatment can improve their relationship.

“I’m starting to think there’s no hope,” she said.” 2

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The above quote brings out a very good point. Can a couple go back to “happily ever after” once the batterer completes a mandated/volunteer program? According to “Denise,” their relationship had gotten “worst” although her husband stopped hitting her. Could it be that much damage was done to the relationship? Love diminished? Could it be that the husband – once enlightened – was consumed with guilt for his actions? Could it be that the abused will always be on guard – and never able to freely be themselves in the relationship again due to fear?

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If couples counseling possibly places the abused at risk for more abuse, when does the abused get to tell their story? How will the batterer know how the abused really feels? If they get separate counseling, will the issues that plague their relationship get resolved? Both are in need of some type of counseling, but it is often dangerous for the abused to expose events of the violence and abuse beyond closed doors. How does the healing begin?

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“At the recent gathering in Rolling Meadows, the men ranged in age from the early 20s to middle-age. They sat around a table while the female facilitators prodded them to discuss conflict in their relationships. Some were eager to share; others stared at the ceiling or picked at their nails.”

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If Christians believe that the Word of God is life changing, and I for one believe it is – then why aren’t there more Christian churches involved with eliminating domestic violence and abuse from our society? Could it be that most religious bodies haven’t figured out how to combat this evil amongst them first? Concerning the religious institutions that are on the front lines, are they effective? If not, why not?

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Once a batterer enters a program, will he be honest concerning his feelings and his actions? Will he man-up and admit that he has a problem – or does he see the cause of his anger issues outside of himself? It is no secret that abusers will lie and makes excuses for their behavior. Not only will they lie to their partners, but to society – and even to themselves. Here are some of the lies they tell, and excuses for violence and abuse:

  • “I just need to be understood.”
  • “I had a bad childhood.”
  • “I can’t control it.”
  • “I get angry.”
  • “She fights too.”
  • “She pushes my buttons.”
  • “If I don’t control her, she will control me.”
  • “My smashing things isn’t abusive, it’s venting.”
  • “I have a lot of stress in my life.”
  • “I just have an anger management problem.”
  • “I just have a problem when I drink or use drugs.”3

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In conclusion, domestic violence is not a mental health issue. If mental health professionals were to conclude such findings, then they serve to justify every flimsy excuse for this atrocity. Domestic violence is a SIN issue, and the sooner our society recognizes this fact, the sooner we will be able to put together the necessary all-encompassing programs that will address the needs of those who are violent and abusive. Perhaps there will be more agencies working together with faith-based institutions.

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I don’t believe that addressing the abusive adult, and ignoring the childhood that shapes a person is beneficial. Also, one cannot force God and spiritual beliefs upon another, yet – how can we leave out the spiritual side of mankind when addressing social ills? We didn’t magically appear upon the earth and poof, here we are – we were created by an awesome Creator. How can we ignore the soul when it is a part of our created bodies?

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New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

New International Version (©1984)
The soul who sins is the one who will die. The son will not share the guilt of the father, nor will the father share the guilt of the son. The righteousness of the righteous man will be credited to him, and the wickedness of the wicked will be charged against him.

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New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“The person who sins will die. The son will not bear the punishment for the father’s iniquity, nor will the father bear the punishment for the son’s iniquity; the righteousness of the righteous will be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked will be upon himself.

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Our souls are responsible for thought, actions, decisions, feelings, anger, sadness, happiness, ego and our characters. The Bible says the “soul who sins” is basically saying, the “person” who sins “will die.” So, unless batterer counseling and intervention programs include the spiritual side of mankind, they won’t be effective – at least in the long run. There will be some who will cease to batter; however, this is not the norm. Even if the battering stops, many soul issues with go unaddressed, and the possibility of the battering returning is quite possible.

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God fashioned us to be humans that have a physical body that houses our spirit (eternal side), and our souls that are groomed, taught, sinned against, trained, and possess all of our feelings and actions. How can we ignore such a vital part of rehabilitation? Domestic violence counseling will fail, not because the programs are no good, but because they lack all of the major components that address the whole of the abusers. The power to change begins with repentance – repenting to a Holy God, and acknowledging wrong. When we agree with God that we have sinned, only then can we open our arms to change – and the healing will commence. What we learn, we can un-learn. It may take time, but, with God – all things are possible.

REPENTANCE = ACCOUNTABILITY

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1 http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-abusers-02-jan02,0,1147422.story

2 http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-abusers-02-jan02,0,1147422.story?page=2

3 http://www.acadv.org/abusers.html

http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

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“Even in programs considered to be successful, only a small percentage of men who batter will ever stop abusing.”Lundy Bancroft

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NEW YORK MODEL FOR BATTERER PROGRAMS

“It’s NOT What You Think!”

“Men can change. However, batterer programs are not an effective vehicle.”

“…batterer programs don’t reliably work. At best, results are inconclusive. And those programs that purport to achieve some individual change indicate, by their own admission that “successes” are few and far between. What batterer programs do give, unfortunately, is a false sense of security that a man will be fixed simply because he is enrolled in a program.”

“Focusing on ‘fixing,’ ‘treating’ or ‘rehabilitating’ men who are abusive inevitably detracts energy and resources better placed on changing systems, social norms and community response efforts.”

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“Treatment’ or ‘rehabilitation’ suggests individual pathology.
The NY Model does not define domestic violence as an individual pathology but rather as a manifestation of sexism, deeply rooted in the history, law and culture of the United States. Furthermore, centuries of patriarchy have defined men’s relationship to women in terms of ownership and entitlement, making it men’s right and responsibility to control the woman who is “his,” and to use a wide array of strategies to do so.”

THE RAVE PROJECT ONLINE LEARNING

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IS HE REALLY GOING TO CHANGE THIS TIME?

Couples Counseling Won’t Stop His Violence

“Your partner may try to get you to go to couples counseling, telling you that you both have a problem and should work on it together. Couples counseling is never appropriate when one partner is choosing to use violence against the other. You do not have a “relationship” problem that needs to be addressed – he is using violence and coercion to get what he wants. Couples counseling can only work when both partners feel free to express their issues, concerns and desires freely. If one partner exerts power and control over the other, there is no basis for counseling that is free from fear and intimidation.”

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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN THE COURT SYSTEM

AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT TO EXPECT

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EMERGE

Because Wanting to Stop is NOT Enough

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SEXISM

Another hurdle to overcome.

WHEN SHE HITS HIM FIRST

THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES NO MATTER WHO DOES THE HITTING.

Emotional Abuse: Why Anger Management Didn’t Work

Learning to Unclench Their Fists

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.

 
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Posted by on July 12, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Why Do Some People Enjoy Hurting Others?

By Terry Loving

“I have found only this: God made people decent, but they looked for many ways [to avoid being decent]. Whatever evil may be now found among men and women, it is not of God; for God made them all upright.”

GOD’S WORD® Translation (©1995)

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“If I ain’t gonna have my kid neither will anyone else, the hell with them,” he said.

“He says that night he’d gone to see his son but he wasn’t home. Angry, seeing red, he said, “I wanted to destroy a human…cause pain make them feel that.” Why Zina, he was asked, “She was just there,” he said, “I can grab her and do what I want.”

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On July 4th, 2007, 42-year-old Terapon Adhahn did exactly what he “wanted to do.” He was angry that his son wasn’t at home when he visited, and he made good on his inner threat to “destroy a human.” That “human” was 12-year old Zina Linnik – her body was found three days later. The “Thai immigrant and convicted sex offender, was charged with aggravated first degree murder, first degree kidnapping and first degree rape in Linnik’s death.”

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“Adhahn says he accidentally killed her by pulling a zip-tie around her throat within minutes after she was taken. Zina’s family disputes that timeline, and blames sloppy and sleepy police work.”

This case also involves a delayed response in an Amber alert for Zina, which could possibly have saved her life. However, the main point of this post is the fact that Adhahn proves that anger can go too far. Not unlike abusers, Terapon needed to vent his selfish anger, and he didn’t care who would be the object of his wrath. Some people drink and drug away their frustrations; others cause physical, emotional, and psychological damage – by any means necessary.

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Anger is akin to boiling water in tea kettles. The heated water gradually gets hot – hotter – and eventually gives off steam and the whistle blows. More than likely Terapon felt good about the opportunity to see his son. But slowly became enraged when this didn’t happen. Little Zina had nothing to do with his anger, or the fact that he didn’t get to see his son. She was the recipient of the fury that boiled within his soul. Tearapon was like the devil, “seeking to devour.” Unfortunately, he came across an innocent child – and unleashed his rage. Selfishness is the key ingredient that caused Zina’s death. Terapon could not have his way, so he had a temper tantrum – a deadly fit of anger.

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So, do people really “enjoy” hurting others? I personally believe they “enjoy” the so-called power they feel as a result of dishing out pain and abuse. MentalHelp.net concurs:

Why Do People Abuse?

The first question, “Why do people abuse other people?” has multiple answers. Some abusers learned to abuse from their parents. Their early history consisted of receiving abuse themselves and/or seeing others abused (one parent abusing the other or their sibling, etc.). As a consequence, abuse is the normal condition of life for these people. Such people internalized a particular relationship dynamic, namely the complementary roles of “abuser” and “victim”. They are familiar with and fully understand the terror of being the helpless victim from their own childhood experience. The opposite of being a victim is not simply opting out of abuse; it is instead, to be abusive. Given the choice between being the out-of-control victim, or the in-control abuser, some of these people grow up to prefer the role of the abuser. As they become adults, they simply turn this relationship dynamic around and start acting out the “abuser” side of the relationship dynamic they have learned. By choosing to be the aggressor and abuser, they may get their first sense of taking control over their own destiny and not being at the mercy of others. That they hurt others in the process may go unregistered or only occur as a dim part of their awareness. 1

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Adhahn was “allegedly raped repeatedly by an older sibling,” and “physically abused” by his father. If it is true that the pain he caused didn’t register in his mind, and he only has a “dim part of awareness,” should there not be a way to bring his horrible deeds to the forefront of his mind – and show Adhahn and abusers, rapists, murderers just how much devastation they are causing in the lives of others? Do you think this is possible? Or will those who commit dastardly deeds continue to “enjoy” the power?

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Think about this, how many abusers you know beat their loved ones in front of others? How many men rape women on a crowded street? How many men proudly proclaim, “Yeah, I beat the hell out of her” when the cops knock on the door? Do you think Terapon Adhahn would have kidnapped Zina in front of her siblings when she had reached them? – Most likely not. How many women will physically or verbally abuse their husbands in front of witnesses? And most children are abused behind closed doors, by in-control abusers. Secrecy is very important to those who do evil. Abusers are able to “discern” between good and evil – they choose to abuse.

The final point I will make is this, abuse is deliberate, selfish, and a choice. Since you are the closest to your abuser when he or she angrily blows, you will be the recipient of the fall out. As with Zina, you don’t have to do or say anything to bring on the violence and mistreatment. Abusers search for ways to make themselves feel better. It would be nice if they would just kick a few trees, or run around the block a few times to bring down the level of their anger. But these simplistic endeavors do not cure selfishness.

Terapon wanted Zina to feel his pain. It didn’t matter that it was Zina, it could have been anyone. In his sick mind, he thought that by unleashing his fury onto her, the suffering and pain that he was feeling inside would be transferred to her, and he would be released from his demons once and for all – at least for that night. It doesn’t work that way.

Like women survivors, what may be most common among men who were abused as children is that they feel like they are unfit human beings:
“Filled with shame, they experience themselves as profoundly defective and horribly toxic. Often they have internalized the scourges hurled at them in childhood…Frequently told by abusers they provoked and wanted the sexual attacks, survivors see themselves as malevolently powerful.”  These men may engage in violent enactments or manipulate destructive sexual encounters, masochistically picking up with themselves where their perpetrators left off.” 3

Violence and abuse are often complicated evils. However, they still boil down to power and control. When the abused understand more of what causes people to hurt others, perhaps they will stop blaming themselves. When they understand that these “causes” of anger often released through violence and abuse are also EXCUSES to hurt others selfishly – they will stop blaming themselves. The hurt that we feel when we are sinned against, should be every reason not to hurt others. Why should we make others feel what we don’t want to feel? Selfishness – plain and simple – yet often complex.

The next time your abuser throws you across the room, remember the words of Terapon Adhahn:

I wanted to destroy a human…cause pain make them feel that.”

“She was just there.”

“I can grab her and do what I want.”

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Child killer: ‘I wanted to destroy a human’ (TNT)

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Displaced rage drove Zina’s killer

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1http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=8482&cn=2

2 http://bible.cc/ecclesiastes/7-29.htm

3http://www.yesican.org/articles/icanjj.html

EVIL IS – AS EVIL DOES

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WHERE DID IT ALL BEGIN?

THE FALL OF MAN

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THE FIRST MURDER

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“And it came about when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother and killed him.”

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Anger With Denial Yields Violence

“Violent transference may become misdirected at anyone, and at any scale, from a scapegoted spouse or co-worker to a famous public figure, through larger scale organizations such as corporations, and beyond to social ethnic or religious groups. At the largest scale, violent transference reactions may fuel political assassination, ‘hate’ based terrorism, terrorism against whole governments, and war itself.”

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Sadistic Personality Disorder

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Discover the characteristics of Sadistic Personality Disorder and the sadist. Plus the different types of sadists and why people become sadists.

“Sadists like to inflict pain because they find suffering, both corporeal and psychological, amusing. They torture animals and people because, to them, the sights and sounds of a creature writhing in agony are hilarious and pleasurable. Sadists go to great lengths to hurt others: they lie, deceive, commit crimes, and even make personal sacrifices merely so as to enjoy the cathartic moment of witnessing someone else’s misery.” (read more)

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IS THERE A SOCIOPATH IN YOUR LIFE?

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NARCISSISM 101

“Half the harm that is done in this world
Is due to people who want to feel important
They don’t mean to do harm ­
But the harm does not interest them.
Or they do not see it, or they justify it
Because they are absorbed in the endless struggle To think well of themselves.”

T. S. Eliot

http://www.narcissism101.com/

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Narcissus

In Ovid’s tale, Narcissus is the handsome and proud son of the river god Cephissus and the nymph Liriope. The nymph, Echo, falls in love with him but is rejected and withdraws into a lonely spot and fades away, leaving behind her voice. The goddess Nemesis hears her prayers for vengeance and makes Narcissus fall in love with his own reflection, which he cannot embrace. He sits by the pool, watching it until he dies and turns into the narcissus flower.

Narcissist characteristics

Narcissists interact socially with others, but do not form relational social bonds with others. In order to avoid being ‘owned’ by others, the narcissist reduces them to non-human objects.

http://changingminds.org/disciplines/psychoanalysis/concepts/narcissism.htm

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New American Standard Bible (©1995)
"Because lawlessness is increased, most people's love will grow cold.

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CHRISTIAN SUFFERING-IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE GOD’S WILL?

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“THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT!”

Culture and collective violence:

How good people, usually men, do bad things
“Little by little, we were taught all these things.
We grew into them.”
Adolf Eichmann

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12 Hours of Terror: Conn. Woman Held Hostage by Arsonist Ex

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The Danger Assessment

The Danger Assessment helps to determine the level of danger an abused woman has of being killed by her intimate partner. It is free and available to the public. Using the Danger Assessment requires the weighted scoring and interpretation that is provided after completing the training. The Danger Assessment is available in a variety of languages.

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www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

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Posted by on June 3, 2011 in EXCUSES FOR VIOLENCE/ABUSE

 

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MAN PERSUADED MOMS TO ABUSE KIDS

By Terry Loving

Some of my readers will be angry concerning this post – those who will miss the vital message therein. Others will misunderstand my intention – but I make no apology for speaking the truth. Someone has to represent the innocent children in this dark world – those who never get a chance to grow up – un-interrupted!

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Would someone please tell me how a man behind a computer screen – far away – in another state – can persuade – you Mommy – to sexually assault your children? The reasoning – “A form of therapy” – the requirement (s) – let him “watch via web cam,” and “send him pictures” – the reward – a “date” with the devil. Can you say, “pedophile?” “Pervert?”

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Forty-one year old Steven Demink, of Redford Township, Mich., didn’t use his real name, lied about being a father of a 14-year old girl, and used “male models as his headshots.” He passed himself off as a “good looking dad,” and a “caring psychologist” who targeted “single mothers.” This deceiver, “Dalton St. Clair,” managed to convince several mothers to “engage in sexual acts” with children ranging in ages 3 to 15. One woman from Oregon was concerned about the “sexual development of her eight-year old autistic son.”

STEVEN DEMINK

This devil was able – via computer chat – to convince this particular mother to allow Demink to watch from miles away – via web cam – this woman further damage her child’s soul with sexual exploitation. My Lord! This world is unmistakably on a collision course with hell. The mothers involved were convinced that the “result of the therapy would be healthier children.” WHAT!!!! No parent should indulge in child sex education by participating in the very act with a child. That is incest, horrible, a crime, and worthy of hell – and I make no apologies.

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OK, now here is where some of you may become angry with what I write – gullible is as gullible does. And this way of reasoning is what gets some – not all – women into abusive relationships.The abusers are still responsible for their actions, however, we must learn to read the signs, and kill the fairytale myth – it doesn’t exist.

Are we so desperate for a man – ladies that we lose all reason and common sense? Not all of the women in this news article were promised a “date” with the devil. However, they all sacrificed their precious babies on the altar of sexual perversion.

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The domino effect – the mothers go to prison – kids are in state custody – kids need psychological therapy – and they will be messed up for life. God only knows how they will fair as adults. When those who can – grow up to reason what their mother’s did to them, they will be damaged for the rest of their lives. Having sex with your kids is not normal – nor is it excusable – you just screwed up an innocent child – for no good reason. Oh, and here I go again – many of you turn a blind eye to your abuser’s having sex with your children. Too many mothers have watched from the sidelines, even expressed jealousy towards their daughters when their abusers wanted sex with them instead. And too many of the sexual demons were relatives – their very own fathers. Lord help us!

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I am an advocate for ending violence against women, and protecting children. However, we as women must become wise, and think with our heads and not with our hearts. We must not be gullible in an evil world full of violence and abuse. And please, PLEASE be careful on the web searching for love. Anyone can sit behind a computer and tell you anything. Don’t be so in love with love that common sense goes out the window. There are many agencies, individuals, and caring souls that are on your side – willing to go the distance to help free you from violence and oppression. But let’s be real, you have to help yourself as well. If it sounds too good to be true, it is.

The devil is a liar!

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Sirens, bullhorns, whistles, and warnings should have sounded quite loudly. Red flags should have been waving, motherly instinct should have prevailed – all were silent.

Come Lord Jesus.

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org


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Posted by on March 1, 2011 in PROTECTING CHILDREN FROM ABUSE

 

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Child’s body found in California canal

By Terry Loving

Four year old Juliani Cardenas was missing since January 18th. He was snatched from the arms of his grandmother by his mother’s ex-boyfriend.  Juliani’s mother, Tabitha Cardenas broke up with Jose Esteban Rodriguez because he was abusive. He physically abused Tabitha,  but stated that Jose “would not purposely drive her son into the water.” The body that was found in a canal hasn’t officially been identified as Juliani’s – although “its physical appearance matches Juliani and the clothing is similar to what the boy was wearing when he was last seen…”

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The comments from readers concerning this story range from sympathy to accusations. Personally, I commend Tabitha Cardenas for leaving violence and abuse, and give her credit for recognizing it for what it is. What I can’t understand is this – how can people blame the mother in this case when she did not give her son to a known abuser? The child was stolen! And why do silly people say at a time like this, “Didn’t she see it coming?”

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Granted, there are domestic violence cases where the signs of ill intent towards the children involved are obvious. Many of these children are beaten, threatened, verbally abused and mistreated just as much as their abused mothers. If something happens to a child in this case, it is almost expected. It is said that Jose “wanted badly to be with Juliani” – but to what extent – death? Tabitha and her mother don’t deserve criticism – they need prayer and all the help they can receive to get through this. Every day of her life Tabitha will be reminded of this tragedy, and will probably admonish herself for getting involved with Jose – she is pregnant with his child.

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Abusers will hurt your children, for it is another way of hurting you. Often times, they can become very jealous of the love and affection shown to your children, and despise them for it. Why? Perhaps they are really angry at their own parents for not loving them the way you love your children. There aren’t many men who will love another man’s children as they should – if they lay claim to loving the mother. There are exceptions, but very few. When you leave, oftentimes revenge is the way abusers respond to the breakup.

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We should applaud those who gather strength to leave abuse, and assist/pray for those who are still trapped. Laying blame at the feet of the abused is not helping them to see the light. Even when they can’t receive the truth, they should hear it – but not in a demeaning way that brings about more guilt and self-condemnation. Family dysfunction is deep rooted, and you never know when you will meet someone who takes their pain out on others as a way of release.

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Our children should be protected above all else, for they cannot fend for themselves. It is a serious mistake to not consider our children when we enter into relationships. As the saying goes, it is a “package deal.” What good comes to the mother comes to the child. And what harm befalls the mother the children share. Men come and go, but your children are yours forever. Save the babies!

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UPDATE: Body confirmed to be Juliani Cardenas

Jose Rodriguez,
who has not been found.

http://www.kolotv.com/californianews/headlines/Sheriff_Childs_Body_Found_in_Central_Calif_Canal_115028254.html

http://www.cnn.com/2011/CRIME/02/01/california.child.body/index.html?iref=NS1

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

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Posted by on February 1, 2011 in PROTECTING CHILDREN FROM ABUSE

 

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EDDIE LONG ACCUSERS – WHY WAIT SO LONG?

“B.J. Bernstein, the attorney in the case, noted during a recent news conference how difficult it was for these young men to come forward, considering the fact that they are acknowledging homosexual behavior and that they aren’t homosexual.”1


It is no wonder that children who are molested, women who are raped, males who are abused, and victims of domestic violence are often silent – no one believes them when they speak out. There are numerous victims of incest that go to their graves with their family secrets. Often times, when those who have been victimized in some way gain strength to tell what happened to them – they are often blamed as if they asked for the crimes committed against them.

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If you are one of those mentioned above, you know how painful it is just to think about what happened – let alone tell someone. The events are real, and yet, in your mind you often wonder if it was all a bad dream that you can’t wake up from. Bits and pieces of your memory may have been lost, but your soul testifies that something traumatic really did happen to you. As a child, you may not be able to attach a label to the horrific way in which you were treated. But as an adult, one word will suffice – evil.

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I don’t believe the “accusers” in the Eddie Long case are lying. Something did happen above and beyond what has been revealed to the public. I am sure it is not an easy thing for a male to admit that they were sexually exploited by another male. Even a woman who was wooed, pampered, sexually used and then discarded would have a hard time admitting what she went through. If the woman views herself as intelligent, she really beats herself up for not seeing the signs that the guy was a fake, and only wanted to misuse her. Imagine how a young person must feel.

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Children who grow up without fathers, and live in homes that are wanting will become deeply attached to anyone who shows them kindness, and provides for them. Why do you think it is easy for a run-a-way to get caught up in prostitution? The pimp was kind, fed, clothed them and showed them “fake” love. The unsuspecting took the bait that supplied their needs, but were not able to discern the trap. Once they accepted the provisions and gifts, they became obligated to do the bidding of those who provided for them. If they refused, they were often punished with violence and abuse.

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­­Many comments concerning those who accused Long of wrong-doing cannot understand why it took them so long to come forward. I once knew a little five-year old that was raped by a “friend” of her mother – who tied her to a pole in a basement, and beat her to death. Why? Because she said, “I am going to tell my mommy!” The animal that molested me when I was about the same age told me that he would “kill” my mother if I said anything. There are many ways to silence victims. I never revealed what happen to me until I was in my forties. That is a very long time to swallow the hurt and confusion.

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I was betrayed by my own mother – betrayal hurts! If betrayal led Long’s accusers to speak out, I can relate. Being used and discarded is a form of betrayal. With my mother, the trust was betrayed. The love was betrayed. The care-giving was betrayed. And the love and care I had for her was betrayed. When you look up to a parent or parent figure that lets you down – the pain is unbearable. Many turn the pain inward – as I had done and others lash out. Long’s accusers were betrayed.

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Many people blame the devil for this unfortunate blight on the church. But who is to say that God Himself isn’t cleaning house? Could it be in these “Last Days” that God is exposing evil to save the flock? It isn’t His desire that His creation spends eternity in hell – hell was created for the devil and his angels:

“Then He will also say to those on His left, ‘Depart from Me, accursed ones, into the eternal fire which has been prepared for the devil and his angels;” (Matthew 25:41-NASB)

“My eyes are on all their ways; they are not hidden from me, nor is their sin concealed from my eyes.” (Jeremiah 16:17)

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Who is to refute that God is tired of seeing His children duped by pulpit pimps, and liars who distort His Word? Many in the body of Christ are taking the wrong side – the accused. Until the “whole” truth comes out, isn’t it better to be on God’s side, and show compassion for those who have been hurt by power and misuse of the Word? It takes a lot of inner fortitude, and the strength of God to tell the whole world that you were sexually abused – especially if you are a male.

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Speaking of the “whole truth,” mediation will shut that down. All of the sordid details that the world is waiting to hear may never be heard. But they are recorded in heaven. Don’t let preacher popularity blind you to the evil of sexual abuse. “Pride goes before destruction, And a haughty spirit before stumbling.” (Proverbs 16:18)

“Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.”

Galatians 6:7

1http://straightfromthea.com/2010/09/23/anthony-flagg-maurice-robinson-caught-on-camera/

http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

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Posted by on December 23, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

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