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HE CONTROLS HIS TEMPER WHEN HE WANTS TO

By Terry Loving

Weymouth New Testament
“For a man’s anger does not lead to action which God regards as righteous.”

Ephesians 4:26 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry…”

Have you ever noticed, that abusers who are sent to court mandated anger management classes – already know how to control their anger? Think about it, most abusers if not all, possess seething inner rage acquired either through childhood, or some unkind act of another adult. Then again, jealousy, selfishness, and anger due to underachievement and a lack of success also produces anger in some people. Many angry people have a very good idea why they are angry deep inside. On the other hand, there are others who are angry and unable to verbally express what they are feeling. Perhaps as children they were molested, and never found the words to express how they felt about the horror. Or, they could have spoken out, but no one believed them – so they became angry adults. They pick and choose when and with whom they will express their rage.

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Anger is not necessarily a “bad” emotion. However, when anger is out of control and misdirected it can destroy lives, even kill. There are times when we should, and justifiably so – become angry.  I get angry when I hear of another child being molested, mistreated or murdered. My anger then turns to sadness, and propels me to be an instrument of change. I have no desire to go out and hurt someone because someone hurt me. I allow myself to feel whatever feelings I have concerning a hurtful issue, process what I can, and let people go if necessary.  What I don’t understand, I will seek professional answers, and leave the rest in God’s hands.

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My soul carries a burden I don’t wish on anyone. Child molestation stays with you for life. You are never free of the horrible memories, and the anger that the vile acts produce. But you can learn to move on with your life without taking your anger out on innocent people. If you were sinned against, this does not give you the right to sin against others – especially innocent children.

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Anger management begins with possessing empathy for other human beings. If your heart is selfish, and only your feelings are paramount, you will have a difficult time defusing your angry outbursts. Uncontrolled anger always seeks an outlet no matter the cost. And yet, there is an element of control – to a degree – that many angry people exercise consciously.

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For example – Tom was cut off by a crazed driver on the way home. The maniac almost caused Tom to have a very serious accident. When Tom pulled up beside the other driver at the light, he swallowed all that he thought he would verbalize once they were face to face. The road raging fiend was intimidating, and looked like he could chew nails with no problem.  Tom swallowed his anger, and carried it home. A marital argument was just the release mechanism his angry soul needed – he punched his wife in the face.

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I am a witness that most abusive men will not fight other men. They will beat the snot out of women and children, but not other men – they become cowards, and their inner beast is at last tamed at the hands of one who is their equal – brute for brute. Becoming the coward instead of the abuser is another way of exercising control over abusive behaviors.

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For the most part, abusers will bring their negative life experiences home with them, and release the pressure by violently abusing their loved ones. Not all abusers will go “postal” when they experience bad times at work – they save the anger until they get home – where they can safely release behind closed doors. At home, they are “king,” and the little woman and her whining subjects better do as the “king” says – or else. At home you can “flip the script.” Meaning, you were the door mat at work, and now your family is tipping quietly around the house trying not to provoke your anger genie.

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And what about the guy who waits until family and friends have left the holiday party? All night he is giving his girlfriend funny looks. He is the only one at the party pretending to enjoy the festivities. Finally, when the last guest has gone, the door is shut – he shoves his girlfriend’s head into a wall. If he was that angry, why did he wait to beat her up? Why didn’t he just deck her when they had company?

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He likes your cooking today, and hates it tomorrow – hence – a black eye. Why didn’t he hit you yesterday whether he liked the food or not? Well, he wasn’t ticked off, or feeling out of control yesterday – so you were safe. The next night, your cooking was an excuse to blow off steam. The point is, his anger was under control the previous night – but he chose to let it rip the next night. What is the difference between those two nights? What internal signals gave the abuser permission to batter an innocent person? What causes an abuser to place limitations on whom they hit? And where the violence should take place?

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If your abuser slams his employer’s head into a wall, he will face some very serious consequences. If he treats his friends – if he has any – the way he treats you – the abused, he would have no friends. When he beats you behind closed doors, most times he gets away with it. After the first slap, the first punch, the first toss down the stairs, the first head slam, the first cussing out – it gets easier the next time. When they want to, abusers can and do “manage” to control their anger tantrums. When a child sees mom coming with the belt, they usually stop rolling around on the floor, kicking – screaming and acting like they are losing their minds. Just like children will try you, push buttons and see what they can get away with – so will emotionally immature adults.  Where there is no empathy, there is no respect. If violence happens once, it will happen again.

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If it were not possible for an angry person to control their anger, our Maker – God – would not have given us instructions to do so. Listen to the Word of God and take heed:

Psalm 37:8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret–it leads only to evil.

New International Version (©1984)
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.

Ephesians 4:22 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires;

Colossians 3:8 But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.

Colossians 3:19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

Bible in Basic English
Let all bitter, sharp and angry feeling, and noise, and evil words, be put away from you, with all unkind acts;

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The Bible has much to say about “anger” and how destructive “unbridled” anger can be. The above verses show us that we have a part in changing our negative behaviors. To “put off,” “rid yourselves,”  “put away” and the like tells us to DO SOMETHING! Anger doesn’t dissipate into thin air, we must find out why we are angry, and do something about it. Even if you cannot afford earthly counseling, heavenly counseling is always available, and it is free.

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If you are an angry person, and you are sincere about not wanting to cause others pain any longer – seek God’s help. If you don’t have a Bible, buy one. Go into a private place, alone with your Creator and talk to Him. He already knows that you are struggling with issues you cannot get under control. Ask Him to not only forgive you, but show you the way out of your pain, and how to cease causing pain when you really are crying out for love.

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Read all of the scriptures concerning anger and own them. Pray those particular scriptures daily. When you do that, you are in agreement with God, for you are saying what He has said. God looks at the heart. When he chose David to be king, it wasn’t his outward appearance He was interested in:

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

God knows what is in our hearts. We can hide from other human beings what we are really feeling, but God knows what is really going on inside of us. Don’t allow the voice of your father to ring aloud in your head anymore. He may have taught you that women are second class citizens, and not worthy of respect. But remember this, Jesus died for everyone – including the one you are abusing. Don’t allow feminism to cause your heart to become hardened against men, and the vulnerable placed within your care. Why wait until the courts mandate that you take anger management classes? Start seeking out the real cause of your anger before it is too late.

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Take a good look around – people are dying by the bucket loads these days. And someday it will be my turn – your turn – your neighbors turn – your momma’s turn – your – well, you get my drift. Life is short. Do you want to spend all of your life on earth abusing and misusing innocent people? Is that the reputation you desire to follow you throughout eternity? When you finally stand before God at the Judgment, how will you defend yourself? Will you blame your angry violence on your messed up childhood? – Your daddy? – Your momma? – Your wife that could not cook a lick? God gave everyone a purpose for being alive. How will your plead your case that you stole the life of another, and interfered with the God-given plans meant for that person, the one you claim to love?

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When I think of all the abused, I feel sad. When I think of all the abusers, I shake my head and ask, “Why?”

Jesus wept. We all should weep over this atrocity – especially those who claim to be Christians.

1 Chronicles 28:9 “And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the LORD searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever.”

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YOU CAN CONTROL YOUR ANGER WHEN IT SUITS YOU –

why not allow the Holy Spirit to help you get rid of unproductive anger?

WHAT’S GOOD ABOUT ANGER?

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ONLINE ANGER SURVEY

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Quick Tips for Managing Anger Podcasts

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“CHRISTIAN SUFFERING – IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE GOD’S WILL?”

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IS THERE A SOCIOPATH IN YOUR LIFE?

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

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Posted by on September 7, 2011 in EXCUSES FOR VIOLENCE/ABUSE

 

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Why Do Some People Enjoy Hurting Others?

By Terry Loving

“I have found only this: God made people decent, but they looked for many ways [to avoid being decent]. Whatever evil may be now found among men and women, it is not of God; for God made them all upright.”

GOD’S WORD® Translation (©1995)

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“If I ain’t gonna have my kid neither will anyone else, the hell with them,” he said.

“He says that night he’d gone to see his son but he wasn’t home. Angry, seeing red, he said, “I wanted to destroy a human…cause pain make them feel that.” Why Zina, he was asked, “She was just there,” he said, “I can grab her and do what I want.”

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On July 4th, 2007, 42-year-old Terapon Adhahn did exactly what he “wanted to do.” He was angry that his son wasn’t at home when he visited, and he made good on his inner threat to “destroy a human.” That “human” was 12-year old Zina Linnik – her body was found three days later. The “Thai immigrant and convicted sex offender, was charged with aggravated first degree murder, first degree kidnapping and first degree rape in Linnik’s death.”

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“Adhahn says he accidentally killed her by pulling a zip-tie around her throat within minutes after she was taken. Zina’s family disputes that timeline, and blames sloppy and sleepy police work.”

This case also involves a delayed response in an Amber alert for Zina, which could possibly have saved her life. However, the main point of this post is the fact that Adhahn proves that anger can go too far. Not unlike abusers, Terapon needed to vent his selfish anger, and he didn’t care who would be the object of his wrath. Some people drink and drug away their frustrations; others cause physical, emotional, and psychological damage – by any means necessary.

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Anger is akin to boiling water in tea kettles. The heated water gradually gets hot – hotter – and eventually gives off steam and the whistle blows. More than likely Terapon felt good about the opportunity to see his son. But slowly became enraged when this didn’t happen. Little Zina had nothing to do with his anger, or the fact that he didn’t get to see his son. She was the recipient of the fury that boiled within his soul. Tearapon was like the devil, “seeking to devour.” Unfortunately, he came across an innocent child – and unleashed his rage. Selfishness is the key ingredient that caused Zina’s death. Terapon could not have his way, so he had a temper tantrum – a deadly fit of anger.

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So, do people really “enjoy” hurting others? I personally believe they “enjoy” the so-called power they feel as a result of dishing out pain and abuse. MentalHelp.net concurs:

Why Do People Abuse?

The first question, “Why do people abuse other people?” has multiple answers. Some abusers learned to abuse from their parents. Their early history consisted of receiving abuse themselves and/or seeing others abused (one parent abusing the other or their sibling, etc.). As a consequence, abuse is the normal condition of life for these people. Such people internalized a particular relationship dynamic, namely the complementary roles of “abuser” and “victim”. They are familiar with and fully understand the terror of being the helpless victim from their own childhood experience. The opposite of being a victim is not simply opting out of abuse; it is instead, to be abusive. Given the choice between being the out-of-control victim, or the in-control abuser, some of these people grow up to prefer the role of the abuser. As they become adults, they simply turn this relationship dynamic around and start acting out the “abuser” side of the relationship dynamic they have learned. By choosing to be the aggressor and abuser, they may get their first sense of taking control over their own destiny and not being at the mercy of others. That they hurt others in the process may go unregistered or only occur as a dim part of their awareness. 1

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Adhahn was “allegedly raped repeatedly by an older sibling,” and “physically abused” by his father. If it is true that the pain he caused didn’t register in his mind, and he only has a “dim part of awareness,” should there not be a way to bring his horrible deeds to the forefront of his mind – and show Adhahn and abusers, rapists, murderers just how much devastation they are causing in the lives of others? Do you think this is possible? Or will those who commit dastardly deeds continue to “enjoy” the power?

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Think about this, how many abusers you know beat their loved ones in front of others? How many men rape women on a crowded street? How many men proudly proclaim, “Yeah, I beat the hell out of her” when the cops knock on the door? Do you think Terapon Adhahn would have kidnapped Zina in front of her siblings when she had reached them? – Most likely not. How many women will physically or verbally abuse their husbands in front of witnesses? And most children are abused behind closed doors, by in-control abusers. Secrecy is very important to those who do evil. Abusers are able to “discern” between good and evil – they choose to abuse.

The final point I will make is this, abuse is deliberate, selfish, and a choice. Since you are the closest to your abuser when he or she angrily blows, you will be the recipient of the fall out. As with Zina, you don’t have to do or say anything to bring on the violence and mistreatment. Abusers search for ways to make themselves feel better. It would be nice if they would just kick a few trees, or run around the block a few times to bring down the level of their anger. But these simplistic endeavors do not cure selfishness.

Terapon wanted Zina to feel his pain. It didn’t matter that it was Zina, it could have been anyone. In his sick mind, he thought that by unleashing his fury onto her, the suffering and pain that he was feeling inside would be transferred to her, and he would be released from his demons once and for all – at least for that night. It doesn’t work that way.

Like women survivors, what may be most common among men who were abused as children is that they feel like they are unfit human beings:
“Filled with shame, they experience themselves as profoundly defective and horribly toxic. Often they have internalized the scourges hurled at them in childhood…Frequently told by abusers they provoked and wanted the sexual attacks, survivors see themselves as malevolently powerful.”  These men may engage in violent enactments or manipulate destructive sexual encounters, masochistically picking up with themselves where their perpetrators left off.” 3

Violence and abuse are often complicated evils. However, they still boil down to power and control. When the abused understand more of what causes people to hurt others, perhaps they will stop blaming themselves. When they understand that these “causes” of anger often released through violence and abuse are also EXCUSES to hurt others selfishly – they will stop blaming themselves. The hurt that we feel when we are sinned against, should be every reason not to hurt others. Why should we make others feel what we don’t want to feel? Selfishness – plain and simple – yet often complex.

The next time your abuser throws you across the room, remember the words of Terapon Adhahn:

I wanted to destroy a human…cause pain make them feel that.”

“She was just there.”

“I can grab her and do what I want.”

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Child killer: ‘I wanted to destroy a human’ (TNT)

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Displaced rage drove Zina’s killer

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1http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=8482&cn=2

2 http://bible.cc/ecclesiastes/7-29.htm

3http://www.yesican.org/articles/icanjj.html

EVIL IS – AS EVIL DOES

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WHERE DID IT ALL BEGIN?

THE FALL OF MAN

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THE FIRST MURDER

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“And it came about when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother and killed him.”

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Anger With Denial Yields Violence

“Violent transference may become misdirected at anyone, and at any scale, from a scapegoted spouse or co-worker to a famous public figure, through larger scale organizations such as corporations, and beyond to social ethnic or religious groups. At the largest scale, violent transference reactions may fuel political assassination, ‘hate’ based terrorism, terrorism against whole governments, and war itself.”

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Sadistic Personality Disorder

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Discover the characteristics of Sadistic Personality Disorder and the sadist. Plus the different types of sadists and why people become sadists.

“Sadists like to inflict pain because they find suffering, both corporeal and psychological, amusing. They torture animals and people because, to them, the sights and sounds of a creature writhing in agony are hilarious and pleasurable. Sadists go to great lengths to hurt others: they lie, deceive, commit crimes, and even make personal sacrifices merely so as to enjoy the cathartic moment of witnessing someone else’s misery.” (read more)

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IS THERE A SOCIOPATH IN YOUR LIFE?

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NARCISSISM 101

“Half the harm that is done in this world
Is due to people who want to feel important
They don’t mean to do harm ­
But the harm does not interest them.
Or they do not see it, or they justify it
Because they are absorbed in the endless struggle To think well of themselves.”

T. S. Eliot

http://www.narcissism101.com/

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Narcissus

In Ovid’s tale, Narcissus is the handsome and proud son of the river god Cephissus and the nymph Liriope. The nymph, Echo, falls in love with him but is rejected and withdraws into a lonely spot and fades away, leaving behind her voice. The goddess Nemesis hears her prayers for vengeance and makes Narcissus fall in love with his own reflection, which he cannot embrace. He sits by the pool, watching it until he dies and turns into the narcissus flower.

Narcissist characteristics

Narcissists interact socially with others, but do not form relational social bonds with others. In order to avoid being ‘owned’ by others, the narcissist reduces them to non-human objects.

http://changingminds.org/disciplines/psychoanalysis/concepts/narcissism.htm

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New American Standard Bible (©1995)
"Because lawlessness is increased, most people's love will grow cold.

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CHRISTIAN SUFFERING-IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE GOD’S WILL?

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“THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT!”

Culture and collective violence:

How good people, usually men, do bad things
“Little by little, we were taught all these things.
We grew into them.”
Adolf Eichmann

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12 Hours of Terror: Conn. Woman Held Hostage by Arsonist Ex

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The Danger Assessment

The Danger Assessment helps to determine the level of danger an abused woman has of being killed by her intimate partner. It is free and available to the public. Using the Danger Assessment requires the weighted scoring and interpretation that is provided after completing the training. The Danger Assessment is available in a variety of languages.

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www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

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Posted by on June 3, 2011 in EXCUSES FOR VIOLENCE/ABUSE

 

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