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MOVIES ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

By Terry Loving

“And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power,

and the glory, for ever. Amen”. (Matthew 6:13)

hotlineOctober is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Another foundation that shares the month of October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month – both causes are equally important.

The first awareness month was in Oct. 1987, which is the same year the national toll-free hotline began. The month was created out of the first Day of Unity observed in Oct. 1981 by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. The Day of Unity grew into a week of activities to spread awareness of domestic violence.

This year (2014), I will be listing movies about abuse and domestic violence. Please be mindful that this is Hollywood, and many of the movies will be rated “R”. Even so, there are many truths that are spoken and displayed throughout many of the movies.

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SLING BLADE

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“25 Years after committing an unthinkable crime, a quiet man named Karl (Thornton) finally returns home. Once there, he’s befriended by a fatherless boy and his mother. But when his new-found peace is shattered by the mother’s abusive boyfriend, Karl is suddenly placed on a collision course with his past!”

This movie possibly answers many questions concerning abused women such as, “Why does she stay?” “Why won’t she leave?” Linda is a woman like many others who stay for the “good times.” Known as the “honeymoon stage,” this is a period of calm and false security in abusive relationships. On the other hand, Linda feels trapped by the threat of death if she leaves her boyfriend Doyle Hargraves. She convinces her traumatized son that it is best to “bide our time,” thus hoping for a day when it is safe to get away from Doyle. In addition, Linda is hoping that perhaps her abuser will tire of her and leave on his own. Unfortunately, that never happened as Doyle dug his heels in deeper by pledging to move in with Linda and her son and be the “head” of the household.

Linda’s son Frank Wheatley – “I ain’t never gonna be happy now!”

Karl Childers – “You will be happy.”

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THE UNSPOKEN TRUTH

The Unspoken Truth

 “Made for television, The Unspoken Truth is the factual story of Brianne Hawkins (Lea Thompson), who after enduring a lifetime of abuse at the hands of her family marries the even more abusive Clay Hawkins (James Marshall). Given to beating his wife at the slightest provocation, Clay finally goes completely over the edge when he shoots and kills a man who had the temerity to speak to Brianne without Clay’s permission. Thinking quickly for a change, Clay persuades Brianne to take the rap for the killing, whereupon she complicity (if not willingly) concocts an elaborate story as to how she shot the man accidentally. Not only do the authorities refuse to swallow this fabrication, but they end up sending both Clay and Brianne to prison for life! Only when the future of her daughter, Lily (Karis Paige Bryant), is jeopardized does the long-suffering Brianne finally work up the courage to fight for her freedom and her long-denied fundamental rights as a human being. A shocking mid-film revelation elevates this story from the usual battered-wife TV-movie syndrome. Filmed on location in Austin, TX, The Unspoken Truth originally aired September 24, 1995, on NBC. ~ Hal Erickson, Rovi”

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THE COLOR PURPLE

The Color Purple

“Based on the Pulitzer Prize-winning novel by Alice Walker, The Color Purple spans the years 1909 to 1949, relating the life of Celie (Whoopi Goldberg), a Southern black woman virtually sold into a life of servitude to her brutal husband, sharecropper Albert (Danny Glover). Celie pours out her innermost thoughts in letter form to her sister Nettie (Akousa Busia), but Albert has been hiding the letters Nettie writes back, allowing Celie to assume that Nettie is dead. Finally, Celie finds a champion in the don’t-take-no-guff Sofia (Oprah Winfrey), the wife of Glover’s son from a previous marriage. Alas, Sofia is “humbled” when she is beaten into submission by angry whites. Later, Celie is able to forge a strong friendship with Albert’s mistress Shug (Margaret Avery). Emboldened by this, Celie begins rifling through her husband’s belongings and finds Nettie’s letters. Able at last to stand up to her husband, Celie leaves him to search for a new life on her own. A major box-office hit, The Color Purple was nominated for eleven Oscars. The film was co-produced by Quincy Jones, who also wrote the score. ~ Hal Erickson, Rovi”

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WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?

Whats Love Got To Do With It

“What’s Love Got to Do With It? is the filmed biography of R&B/pop singer Tina Turner (Angela Bassett), documenting her efforts to break away from her abusive husband Ike (Laurence Fishburne). After a few scenes detailing Tina’s life as a young singer in Nutbush, TN, she’s discovered by Ike Turner, an already established songwriter, guitarist, and record producer. Ike takes Tina under his wing and makes her a star, but her fame makes him jealous and abusive, and she has to struggle to break free of his domination. ~ Stephen Thomas Erlewine, Rovi”

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THE ABDUCTION

The Abduction

“While their marriage may have started off happily, Kate now finds that her police officer husband Paul has grown more unstable and abusive with each passing year. At long last, she leaves him and tries to start a new life for herself. Paul, however, has become obsessed with the thought of getting Kate back, and starts stalking her. Matters come to a head when he takes her hostage and threatens to kill her. Will she get out of this alive, or will it end in tragedy?”

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THE BURNING BED

The Burning Bed

“An abused battered wife has had enough of husband beating up on her. Everywhere she turns for help, there’s not much anyone will do. After he rapes her one night, she sets the bed on fire with him in it asleep.”

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TAKE MY EYES

Take my eyes

“Spanish actress/author/filmmaker Icíar Bollaín writes and directs the family drama Te Doy Mis Ojos (Take My Eyes), co-written by Alicia Luna. Pilar (Laia Marull) leaves her abusive husband, Antonio (Luis Tosar), during the middle of winter in Toledo, Spain. She and her son, Juan (Nicolás Fernández Luna), go to live with her sister Ana (Candela Peña). While supportive, Ana doesn’t fully understand Pilar’s situation. Pilar’s mother, Aurora (Rosa María Sardà), refuses to acknowledge the problem. Antonio is desperate to win back Pilar. He sends her constant presents and even attends therapy sessions in order to work through his anger. Meanwhile, Pilar gets a job at an art museum and tries to restart her life. Take My Eyes won several awards at the San Sebastian Film Festival before making its U.S. premiere at the Sundance Film Festival in 2004. ~ Andrea LeVasseur, Rovi”

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A Cry for Help The Tracey Thurman Story

A cry for help

“Tracy Thurman was married to a man who abused her. But he continues to harass her after she gets a restraining order, and the police do little to help. When he brutally beats her and slashes her throat in front of police, she sues the city and the police department for failing to protect her.”

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PROVOKED: A TRUE STORY

Provoked

“It’s the true story of a Punjabi woman named Kiranjit Ahluwalia who leaves India to marry a London-based guy, only to be badly abused. She ends up in prison for murdering her abusive husband.”

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MEN DON’T TELL (1993)

Men_Don't_Tell_1993_Film_Advert_CBS

“This movie shows another side to spousal abuse that not too many people thought is possible–the husband being abused and the wife the abuser.”

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BLACK and BLUE

Black and blue

“After a woman’s husband beats and abuses her, she and her son join the witness protection program and move away secretly.”

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UNFORGIVABLE 1996

Unforgivable 1996

“John Ritter plays a family man who puts his wife through domestic violence and his children through emotional torture. After leaving his family and almost killing his new girlfriend in one of his rages, he is ordered to seek professional help through an innovative therapy program or go to jail.”

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Cries Unheard: The Donna Yaklich Story (1994)

Cries Unheard The Donna Yaklich Story 1994

“Donna Yaklich meets Dennis the policeman and thinks she might have found a good relationship. But Dennis is obsessed with weight-lifting and uses steroids, which make him aggressive and abusive. Getting out of the relationship isn’t easy as Dennis isn’t willing to let her go, and Donna’s options are narrowed down to one remaining alternative.”

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SHATTERED DREAMS

Shattered Dreams

“Charlotte marries John. Things seem ok; John has a good job and he’s going up in the world, working for the government. But every so often he loses his temper and Charlotte gets the brunt of his anger. During the 18 year course of their marriage, there are at least 8 incidents of physical abuse and countless of mental. Charlotte’s family and friends tell her to leave John but she keeps going back, most likely because he has convinced her that she would be nothing without him. It finally explodes in a big divorce battle balancing on the cases of abuse.”

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LIES OF THE HEART

Lies of the heart“This is the fact-based made-for-TV movie of Laurie Kellog, who was accused of the murder of her husband Bruce in May 1992, told in flashbacks while she’s waiting for her judgment. When she was 16 she met the 15 years older Bruce Kellog, a charming guy, and moved in with him shortly after. What she didn’t know was that he “bought” her from her stepfather for 500 bucks. First she’s happy to serve him, but not long and Bruce shows his real face.”

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DANGEROUS INTENTIONS

Dangerous Intentions

“A man stalks his wife and child when they leave for an abused women’s shelter.”

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SLEEPING with the DEVIL

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“Professional nurse Rebecca Dubrovich (Shannen Doherty) is swept off her feet by charming millionaire Dick Strang (Tim Matheson), and the two begin a passionate romance. Only when it is too late does Rebecca discover that Strang has, to put it mildly, a dark side: He’s a bigamist, a control freak, a pathological liar, and a vicious sadist. Breaking off the relationship, Rebecca is subsequently stalked by the obsessive Strang, who ultimately injures her so severely that she is confined to a wheelchair. During her painful recovery period, Rebecca falls in love with orthopedic surgeon Jerrold Petrofsky (David Bowe), and ultimately dedicates her life to helping other victims of abusive relationships. Based on a true story previously dramatized on the television anthology Unsolved Mysteries and then released in book form, the made-for-TV Sleeping with the Devil originally aired April 22, 1997 on CBS. ~ Hal Erickson, Rovi”

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ENOUGH

ENOUGH“Working class waitress Slim finds her life transformed when she marries wealthy contractor Mitch. She settles into an idyllic suburban life and seems to have everything she wants: loving husband, beautiful home, and Gracie, an adorable 5-year-old daughter. Her dream is shattered when she discovers her husband is anything but perfect. His abusive behavior forces her to go on the run, eluding an increasingly obsessive Mitch and his lethal henchmen. When, despite Slim’s efforts to make a new life, Mitch finds her and threatens her again, she puts Gracie in safe keeping, toughens herself mentally and physically and sets out to prove to Mitch she’s had enough.”

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FAMILY of STRANGERS

FAMILY OF STRANGERS

“Julie must disclose her family’s medical history before undergoing major surgery, but when she questions her family, she discovers that she was adopted and later, that her conception was the product of a rape.”

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NO ONE WOULD TELL

NO ONE WOULD TELL

“Shy sixteen-year-old Stacy Collins can’t believe that the most popular guy in school, an attractive athlete named Bobby Tennison, is interested in her. At first she is flattered by his constant attention, but then he becomes possessive and jealous-telling her who she can speak to and what she can wear. Threats escalate into violence when Bobby thinks Stacy has stepped out of line. Soon she is walking on egg shells and living in fear. Having seen the tell-tale bruises, Stacy’s best friend convinces her to break things off with Bobby-but in a moment of weakness, Stacy goes to meet him.”

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ONCE WERE WARRIORS

ONCE WERE WARRIORS

“A family descended from Maori warriors is bedeviled by a violent father and the societal problems of being treated as outcasts.”

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SIN by SILENCE

Sin_by_Silence_film_poster

“Inside the California Institution for Women, the first inmate initiated and led group in U.S. prison history, shatters the misconceptions of domestic violence.

Convicted Women Against Abuse (CWAA) was created in 1989 to help women inside prison break the silence about abuse and learn more about what they needed to do to help others stop the cycle of violence.

Instead of fighting a system that does not fully comprehend the complexities of abuse, the women of CWAA led an initiative to help educate the system. Through careful orchestration of letter writing campaigns, media coverage, and senate hearings a movement was born and laws for battered women were changed. And for the founder of CWAA, the flicker of hope begins to grow as her possible freedom, after 26 years in prison, lies moments away.”

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Bastard out of Carolina on AllMovie

BASTARD OUT OF CAROLINA

“Bastard out of Carolina was the first novel published by author Dorothy Allison. The book, which is semi-autobiographical in nature, is set in Allison’s hometown of Greenville, South Carolina. Narrated by Ruth Anne “Bone” Boatwright, the primary conflict occurs between Bone and her mother’s husband, Glen.

The novel examines the expectations of gender and mother–child relationships, and explores the roles of these characters in the future. Conditions of class, race, sexuality and gender play out in Bone’s life and her relationships with others.

The book was adapted into a film in 1996.”

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Site that lists pages of movies with domestic abuse themes.
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Let us continue to pray for those who suffer the evil of domestic violence and abuse, and assist when and where we can.
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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2014
All rights reserved.

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Posted by on October 3, 2014 in Domestic Violence Awareness

 

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IS A HUMBLE MAN A WEAK MAN?

By Terry Loving

“Do not be called leaders; for One is your Leader, that is, Christ. “But the greatest among you shall be your servant. “Whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted.”

Matthew 23:10-12

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“He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?”

(Michah 6:8)

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“Ultimately, societies must challenge the impossible-to-achieve demands of manhood and the patriarchal structures that underpin these demands.  We need to redefine notions of manhood and find alternative masculine identities that are not destructive to women and men alike.  This is a long-term prospect but it starts by changing the way we – both women and men – raise boys to be men.” 1

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While researching information as to why many men and young males put so much effort into acquiring a tough persona, I came across the following question:

What is the difference between a “bad boy” and a “thug?”

One commenter stated that the difference was “a misdemeanor” verses “a felony.” Meaning, the “bad boy” would most likely commit crimes that amounted to misdemeanors such as tagging a wall; disorderly conduct; reckless driving and public intoxication. Of course this would depend on the jurisdiction in which these crimes were committed.

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 The “thug” is more likely to commit a felony such as murder, assault, battery, and false imprisonment, etc. A felony charge is a more serious charge that usually results in longer jail time, and in many cases, the death penalty.  Again, this depends on the jurisdiction. Another commenter defined ex-President Bill Clinton as a “bad boy” siting his involvement with Monica Lewinsky. It was noted that “bad boys” cheat on their mates, but thugs likewise – right?

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 It is also said that, “Women are drawn to “bad boys” like a moth to a flame? Why?

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 To confuse this issue further, another Author penned an article explaining The Difference Between A Thug And A Gangster.

“Where gangsters were gentleman criminals, a thug was a negative term used for murderers, rapists and thieves. To be a thug meant you carried the stigma of being shady, ruthless and dangerously criminal. A gang of thugs are not gangsters, they are a gang. Unlike gangster, thug is not romanticized in the English language no matter how much these rappers try to tell you different. Some women have adapted the word as almost a term of endearment for the “bad boys” that they pursue. I guess being referred to as a thug feels a bit better than being called a “bad boy” but let’s be real here, it’s the exact same thing. Thugs are not gangsters, thugs are bad boys – ie: they are guys playing “dress-up” to look the part of a thug. Real thugs will shoot you, rob you, rape you and they do get locked up. Turn on the show Gangland, or Gang Nation and you will see true thugs. Most of these women claiming to “like thugs” could not handle a real thug. They like bad boys, so let’s stop with the facade.”

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Bad_boys_1983

 Is it any wonder that men are confused concerning their masculinity? They don’t know whether to choose to imitate Al Capone (a gangster), a thug like those in the movie Goodfellas, or the bad boys in the movie Bad Boys starring Sean Penn. On the other hand, men and young males who exhibit any sort of humility are accused of being “soft,” “momma’s boys,” “weak.” “sissified,” and just plain cowardly. Our society raises boys to not show their emotions, especially crying. They are taught to “man-up” at a young age, and are expected as adults to be the bread winners, macho in their homes, and never to back down from a fight with another male.

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“Violence against women is closely linked to the rigid norms that define what it is to be a man.  Worldwide there is a dominant model of manhood; men are taught to aspire to and judge themselves based on this ideal. Men are expected to be financially independent, become husbands and fathers, be the primary income earner for the family, be achievers in the eyes of peers, and be in control and exert authority.  These salient norms of manhood are perpetuated by societies, communities, peers, families and women themselves – and take on more extreme forms in some cultures.”

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DeeboDEEBO – Neighborhood thug in the movie “Friday”

“But for most men, particularly poor men, there is a huge gap between these expectations and what they can achieve. In the face of chronic poverty, inequality, exclusion, jobless economies, many men feel they don’t measure up.  How then, do these men prove themselves as men?  All too often it is through the use of force and violence – and female partners are easy targets.  Such behavior is often the only way for many men to wield power in societies where they are made to feel powerless and useless.  This is the hard reality that remains unacknowledged or misunderstood in much of the discussion on gender violence today.” 2

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I love bad boys

Men may feel “they don’t measure up” in many situations, but how does violence prove manhood? How does forcing women to be under their control make a man feel powerful? Why does a man have to wear a label such as “Alpha-Male,” “macho,” “thug,” “bad boy,” or “gangster” to prove he is a man? Chronic poverty, inequality, exclusion, and jobless economies no doubt have a negative impact on any culture, but why beat the woman who is standing by your side? Is she not suffering the effects as well? Why rape your children, especially little girls and justify this behavior as a way of exhibiting so-called manhood? If a man feels that violence and abuse raises the bar of his manhood, he deceives only himself.

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“In reality there is perhaps not one of our natural passions so hard to subdue as pride. Disguise it, struggle with it, beat it down, stifle it, mortify it as much as one pleases, it is still alive, and will every now and then peep out and show itself…For even if I could conceive that I had completely overcome it, I should probably be proud of my humility.”Benjamin Franklin

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“When pride comes, then comes dishonor, But with the humble is wisdom.” Proverbs 11:2

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Chicago+Gangsters

If a male lacks vision and guidance as to what a “real” man is, he should look to Jesus Christ as the ultimate example of true manhood. Jesus was the humblest man who ever walked the earth. And yet, the most powerful!

“Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS.  Matthew ll:29

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It is said of Jesus Christ:

… “he humbled himself: by becoming man, and by various outward actions in his life; as subjection to his parents, working at the trade of a carpenter, conversing with the meanest of men, washing his disciples’ feet, &c. and the whole of his deportment both to God and man, his compliance with his Father’s will, though disagreeable to flesh and blood, his behaviour towards his enemies, and his forbearance of his disciples, showed him to be of a meek and humble spirit; he humbled himself both to God and man:”

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gangsters

… “and became obedient unto death, or “until death”; for he was obedient from the cradle to the cross, to God, to men, to his earthly parents, and to magistrates; he was obedient to the ceremonial law, to circumcision, the passover, &c. to the moral law, to all the precepts of it, which he punctually fulfilled; and to the penalty of it, death, which he voluntarily and cheerfully bore, in the room and stead of his people:”   Gill’s Exposition of the Entire Bible

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“Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.” James 4:10

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“Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord,…. Which is done, when men, before the Lord, and from their hearts, and in the sincerity of their souls, acknowledge their meanness and unworthiness, their vileness, sinfulness, and wretchedness, and implore the grace and mercy of God in Christ, as did Abraham, Jacob, Job, Isaiah, Paul, and the publican; and when they walk humbly with God, acknowledging they can do nothing without him; owning their dependence on his grace, and ascribing all they have, and are, unto it:

and he shall lift you up; this is God’s usual way to lift up the meek, and exalt those that humble themselves; he lifts them from the dunghill, to set them among princes; he gives them a place, and a name in his house, better than sons and daughters; he adorns them with his grace; he clothes them with the righteousness of his Son, he grants them nearness to himself; and at last will introduce them into his kingdom and glory.” Gill’s Exposition of the Entire Bible

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gangsters-paradise

The power and control men desire is of the world, limited and self-projected. Gangs who claim neighborhoods as if they built them themselves have limited control over their freedom for they dare not venture onto enemy turf. The thugs function within a small radius compared to the rest of the world, and most likely depend upon drug sales for a living. They sell death to each other, and kill for little to no reason. In the sense of the word “freedom,” they are not free.

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“So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:36

“Christ spoke of spiritual liberty; but carnal hearts feel no other grievances than those that molest the body, and distress their worldly affairs. Talk to them of their liberty and property, tell them of waste committed upon their lands, or damage done to their houses, and they understand you very well; but speak of the bondage of sin, captivity to Satan, and liberty by Christ; tell of wrong done to their precious souls, and the hazard of their eternal welfare, then you bring strange things to their ears. Jesus plainly reminded them, that the man who practised any sin, was, in fact, a slave to that sin, which was the case with most of them. Christ in the gospel offers us freedom, he has power to do this, and those whom Christ makes free are really so.” Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary

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black-gangs

The violent are slaves to violence. Abusers are slaves to abuse. True freedom begins with humility. A humble man is not a weak man. Jesus Christ was not a weak man A weak man will beat a woman, but cower down to another man. Weak men have no honor. Only the humble man is truly a strong man, especially one in Christ Jesus.

“And Jesus came and spake unto them, saying, All power is given unto me in heaven and in earth.”

Matthew 28:18

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“The fear of the LORD is the instruction for wisdom, And before honor comes humility.”

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Man seeks honor from his deeds whether good or evil. Our society celebrates those who live ungodly lives, and commit all manner of sin. How in the world George Zimmerman achieved celebrity status is beyond me. This person has not one ounce of humility even after taking the life of another. I guess he feels more like a man after being arrested for crimes against others and recklessness. “ Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.”

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a-realman-is-humble-568

Some people, especially the rich and famous give to charities and sometimes help individuals. That is a good thing. Sadly, they often desire the praise of the world, instead of humbly doing good deeds in silence.

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“Beware of practicing your righteousness before men to be noticed by them; otherwise you have no reward with your Father who is in heaven.” Matthew 6:1

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The lack of humility and dishonor of her God is the ruin of a nation.

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“Although a wicked person who commits a hundred crimes may live a long time, I know that it will go better with those who fear God, who are reverent before him.” Ecclesiastes 8:12

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For evildoers will be cut off,
But those who wait for the L
ORD, they will inherit the land.

10Yet a little while and the wicked man will be no more;
And you will look carefully for his place and he will not be there.

11But the humble will inherit the land
And will delight themselves in abundant prosperity.

Psalm 37:9-11

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la-me-1113-spiderman-fun 162180.ME.1112.spiderman-funeralToo often, this is how the quest for power ends.

“For My hand made all these things, Thus all these things came into being,” declares the LORD. “But to this one I will look, To him who is humble and contrite of spirit, and who trembles at My word.” Isaiah 66:2

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1 Peter 5:5

“You younger men, likewise, be subject to your elders; and all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE.”

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quote-the-doctrines-of-grace-humble-man-without-degrading-him-and-exalt-him-without-inflating-him-charles-hodge-237789

 1http://www.worldbank.org/en/news/opinion/2013/11/25/missing-men-violence-against-women

2 http://www.worldbank.org/en/news/opinion/2013/11/25/missing-men-violence-against-women

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Become a Better Man: Humility is a Strength and Trait of A Real Man

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Humility: The Quiet Trait That Everyone Will Notice

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The Truest Expression of a Man. What Validates You?

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How To Be A Man – 8 Traits Of Real Men

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Honor God, Honor Others and Honor Yourself

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What is Manliness?

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DALLAS MEN AGAINST ABUSE

What It Takes to Be A Man

A man never hits a woman.
A man speaks out against domestic abuse.
A man teaches his daughter how men should treat her and that she should never allow herself to be abused. Not once.
A man teaches his sons to respect women.

TESTIMONIALS

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Respect for women

http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2014
All rights reserved.

 
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Posted by on February 7, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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ABUSERS – TAKE A LOOK AT YOURSELF!

By Terry Loving

WARNING – GRAPHIC VIDEO!

The above video represents a violent and brutal home invasion caught on a nanny cam in Millburn, NJ. The date of the attack was June 21, 2013 at 10 a.m. in the morning.

“The incident in a Millburn living room last Friday was caught on camera, authorities have said. In the video, a young mother is shown watching cartoons with her 3-year-old daughter – and then a loud crash is heard from off-camera. Within moments, an intruder lunges at the woman, pummeling her with his fists and kicking her in the head before tossing her down a flight of stairs off-camera. An 18-month-old son was asleep upstairs at the time of the crime, authorities have said.”

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“The victim tried not to scream as she was beaten, because she didn’t want to traumatize her daughter, she told authorities.”

The video shows what a violent crime looks like,” Acting Essex County Prosecutor Carolyn Murray said. “We have a tremendous amount of violent crime in Essex County, but when people in the community see what it really looks like that’s why we got the outpouring of assistance that we did.”

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Forty-two year old Shawn Custis showed the world what violent domestic abusers do every day. I am not taking anything away from this poor woman and her child who was a witness. For his crimes, Shawn should pay dearly, and never taste freedom ever again. He has a history of criminal charges which proves that he will not change, and may kill someone next time.

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home-invasion2

I needed to post the video for it reminded me of what I witnessed as a child. I still have memories of my mother being beaten the very way this woman was – her child will never forget either. I am shaking as I type this post. There is tightness in my chest – this took me back to a day that was pressed down deep within my memory. I am trying not to cry.

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It is my hope that domestic abusers watch this video and see themselves. This is what they do behind closed doors. Let me just address them directly.

Abusers – you should be ashamed of yourselves! See yourself in this video and REPENT! You beat down innocent and defenseless women; scar their children for life – and for what? To prove that you are a man? I am so very angry today! I am hurting and praying for all the women you hurt. Most of all, I pray that you will find God and change. There is no excuse for the terror that you dish out, no excuse at all.

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One day you will stand before God and give an account. Look at the video, see yourself as God sees you and decide how you will answer. My guess is you will be so frightened before our Creator, reduced to weak knees with fright that you will be at a loss for words – your very heart will fail you.

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Shawn arrest

You think that what you do behind closed doors is not seen by anyone – not so. Just as you look at this video and witness the evil and ugly truth of violence against women – so does God:

5And GOD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. 6And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart. Genesis 6:5-6

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Abusers, you are grieving the very heart of God. Each time you hurt one of His children, you are ripping His heart apart. You feel safe behind closed doors as if no one sees your ugly deeds, but you are very wrong.

10But why dost thou judge thy brother? or why dost thou set at nought thy brother? for we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ.

11For it is written, As I live, saith the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God.

12So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.

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china man beats woman

When you brutalize your loved ones, you are passing judgment upon them. You have deemed them guilty of trespassing your warped sense of right and wrong – and sentenced them to vicious beatings and mistreatment. You regard the abused with contempt, you despise them, and you hate God and His righteousness. Why? Did God treat you this way when you made mistakes?

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Perhaps someone abused and misused you as a child. Should that not be enough reason not to hurt others as you have been hurt? Why are you so angry? The Bible says:

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.” Ephesians 4:31

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This means that you are in charge of your anger. It also means that God will help you to “put away from you” the destructive emotions that cause you to lash out unjustly – if your heart is teachable. Whatever fears you have, abandonment, not being good enough – whatever – God can, and is willing to help you. But first, you must admit that you have a problem with a lack of self-control. I know, for I was once an angry person, and I felt I had every right to be considering what I had to endure in my mother’s house. But I lashed out in the wrong way – and used the smallest disagreements to vent my frustrations. It wasn’t until I acknowledged to God that I had a problem with anger – and I did not know for most of my life – that God was able to wash me clean of bitterness.

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man-beats-woman

Let me ask you this – does it matter to you that you will damage a child for life? When children witness domestic violence and abuse, your brutal actions and verbal tirades short circuit their emotional growth, plant seeds of fear, and instill negative and hurtful memories for life. Are you bold enough to stand before God and give an account? God may not approve of our actions, but He loves all mankind – especially children. When you abuse and rape, you abuse and rape the heart of God.

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“If anyone causes one of these little ones–those who believe in me–to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.” Matthew 18:6

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“If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left,” Hebrews 10:26

“How much more severely do you think someone deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God underfoot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified them, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace?” Hebrews 10:29

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“All this I have seen and applied my mind to every deed that has been done under the sun wherein a man has exercised authority over another man to his hurt.” Ecclesiastes 8:9

“When you sin against them in this way and wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ.” 1 Corinthians 8:12

And I saw something else under the sun: In the place of judgment–wickedness was there, in the place of justice–wickedness was there.” Ecclesiastes 3:16

“Again I looked and saw all the oppression that was taking place under the sun: I saw the tears of the oppressed– and they have no comforter; power was on the side of their oppressors– and they have no comforter.”  Ecclesiastes 4:1

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GodLooksAtTheHeart

“Shawn Custis has been charged with first-degree attempted murder, first-degree robbery, second-degree burglary and two counts of endangering the welfare of a child, according to Kathy Carter, a spokeswoman for the prosecutor’s office.”

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Any man who beats a woman, wife, girlfriend – whoever, should be charged with “attempted murder.” To what “degree” I don’t know, but abusers should not get away with a slap on the wrist – especially when the violence is carried out in front of children.

Until our world understands that what took place in this video is the face of domestic violence, nothing much will change. Domestic violence is a crime! The fact that it happens mostly behind closed doors does not lessen the severity and criminal element of the acts. It can happen to anyone, at any time.

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This video opened an old wound, and there will always be triggers. I am outraged by the vicious attack on this woman in the security of her own home. And yet, this happens every day in America – women brutalized and killed by deranged evil abusers in a place they should feel the safest – home. Will this open your eyes now????

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I believe every Pastor should see this video, and then they may not be so quick to send the abused back to their abusers. Perhaps then they will understand that cooking better, keeping quiet, being more intimate and the like is not the problem concerning abuse. Abusers are the problem period!

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wife_beating

Shawn plead “Not Guilty” – really Shawn?

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Comments concerning the brutality of Shawn Custis:

We believe it was his intent to kill the woman,” Chief Assistant Prosecutor Thomas Fennelly said. (Could we not say the same concerning domestic abusers? The highlighted words below is describe what the abused suffer every day!)

  • ·         A brutal mid-morning New Jersey home invasion
  • ·         an assault
  • ·         mother suffered a vicious beating at the hands of the 5-foot-11, 210-pound suspect
  • ·         chilling video captured the entire midday attack
  • ·         “He bombards her and starts wailing away.”
  • ·         The suspect throws the woman down, punches her several times in the face before picking her up and throwing her down. He goes upstairs to ransack the bedroom and as he returns, kicks the woman in the face as she struggles to regain her feet.
  • ·         … “she moans.”
  • ·         “He’s a lefty, every punch and kick was lefty,”
  • ·         his reactions were violent.
  • ·         “There was no reason for it, she would have given him anything he wanted,” Palardy said.
  • ·         In his final sickening act, the man throws her mother down the steps,
  • ·         The stunning, midday attack is so shocking
  • ·         The woman was treated at the hospital for leg and face injuries suffered at the man’s hands.
  • ·         “They wanted to show how violent this person is because they want him caught as much as we do,” Palardy said. “And we’re not going to sleep until this guy is caught.”
  • Thankfully she’s ok, physically; but you never know the emotional scars left on her, her daughter, and her husband who probably feels guilty that he wasn’t around to stop this beast!

dead woman

“The question arises in a case like this: “What Would You Do?”; but I think the answers will be obvious.”

Here are some of the answers to the above question:

  • Let’s hope someone in the community takes care of this animal the same way he treaded this lady. Waste of time going though the legal system.
  • He should be shot on sight.
  • 4 words…..tall tree, short rope.
  • They caught him and he is pleading not guilty, I hope they lock him up and throw away the key on this piece of garbage
  • i agree. As a young black man.. This is horrifying… sickening… He needs to be thrown in prison and then they should throw away the key… Bad enough black men have a bad rep, this doesnt help at all…

beat-up-women-513

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Now my questions are:

Why no outrage concerning domestic violence and abuse? Why is the church silent? Why do Preachers send the abused back to what we witnessed in the video? Why no concern for the women who suffer this evil every day of their lives and some die? What makes this crime different besides the fact that this was a home invasion? The action of the perpetrators are the same are they not – both robber and abuser?

Most of all, why do we close our eyes? This level of brutality happens in American homes and around the world daily – 24-7. Worst of all, many perpetrators are so-called “Christians.” Why????

“but when people in the community see what it really looks like that’s why we got the outpouring of assistance that we did.”

OK world, now you have had an opportunity to “see what it really looks like,”  – the evil of domestic violence – what are you going to do about it?

If you see yourself as the aggressor in this video and you continue, you really have no heart.

Sigh….

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women in hospital

Woman allegedly professes love for man who beat her with baseball bat

“When KCTV5 last spoke to Taylor, she said she hoped to inspire other women and girls to stand up against domestic violence and break the silence.”

“You can stand up for yourself. There’s ways you can do it, even if you have to whisper in somebody’s ear and have somebody else take action for you. There’s always a way to get out,” Taylor said.

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WHY DON’T PEOPLE TALK ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?

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DO ABUSERS HAVE A CONSCIENCE?

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DOMESTIC ABUSE IN CHRISTIAN HOMES – Recommended Reading

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Posted by on July 6, 2013 in VIOLENCE AMONG US

 

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WHEN ABUSERS STALK THEIR PREY

By Terry Loving

stalking 1

“Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.”    (1 Peter 5:8)

I had an experience with stalking years ago that unnerved me – but not in a frightening way. One day I noticed a non-abusive ex riding past my house. It isn’t uncommon for a driver to not notice the “dead end” sign at the beginning of the street I lived on. In this case however, he knew the street had no outlet, and therefore he had a specific purpose in mind. This particular day I was sitting by the window watching the squirrels chase one another – I noticed my ex driving by. He drove to the dead end, turned around and drove slowly back the other way.

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At another time I was shopping at my neighborhood supermarket, turned to place fruit in my cart – and there he was – just standing behind me watching. I was surprised, but not afraid because he wasn’t an abuser, just someone who decided on the wrong woman and had regrets – oh well. Anyway, we greeted one another and I noticed the lonely loaf of bread in his cart. I supposed this was his way of not drawing attention to himself – just another shopper.

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stalking 2

I was a bit curious though – he did not live in my neighborhood. And I am certain that he passed many stores on the way home that sold a loaf of bread. He briefly indicated that his marriage was not going well, but he never said that he made a mistake in his choosing. Later I figured that he had, for why stalk me – an ex, ride past my house, and follow me to the supermarket? Did he leave with the loaf of bread? I do not know. At our departure, my mind was racing, wondering how I missed signs that I was being stalked – especially when he confessed after I told him I saw him riding past my house – “It’s not the first time.” WOW! Talk about feeling weird at the thought of him following me around.

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I missed the signs because I was not expecting this type of behavior from him. More so, I did not know what type of vehicle he drove until the day I saw him driving by. We crossed paths at a later time and he was driving yet another vehicle. This is one of the ways that abusers stalk their victims. They somehow obtain different vehicles, sometimes borrowed, and follow their victims. I thank God this wasn’t a domestic abuse situation for I could have been killed or seriously hurt by an avenging mad man. It happens every day in America – we just don’t hear much about it.

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Young female looking through window blinds at night.(shallow depth of field)

So what is stalking? The following is a legal definition:

“A person who intentionally and repeatedly follows or harasses another person and who makes a credible threat, either expressed or implied, with the intent to place that person in reasonable fear of death or serious bodily harm is guilty of the crime of stalking. A person may be charged with aggravated stalking if they commit the crime of stalking while subject to a temporary restraining order, injunction against trespass, or similar order.”

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“Stalkers target public figures or celebrities, children, and sometimes even complete strangers. But, in most cases, a stalker is someone you know and with whom you have had a relationship. Criminal statutes which can be used in an effort to deter stalking include laws against harassment and assault, as well as a specific stalking law.”

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From state to state, stalking laws may vary; however, the essence of the act itself is standard across state lines. Stalking is intentional and intended to make your life miserable, cause harm or death. Many abused women feel safe once the abuser has left the home – but are they really? You change your locks, install a security system, get a vicious dog, perhaps buy a gun – do all that is necessary to protect yourself at home. But what happens when you go to work, church services, the dentist or the supermarket? Are you safe? Many abused persons are not.

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stalking 4

In many cases there are connections such as children, a marriage, property and other avenues abusers use to maintain control over your life. Shared friends and family often serve as information portals for abusers to keep abreast of the events in the life of the abused. When the abused makes the decision to leave abuse, as difficult as it may be, leaving shared friends often becomes necessary. Some friends may side with the abuser and feed him information that the abused shared in confidence.

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I highly recommend watching STALKED: SOMEONE’S WATCHING on Netflix, and on Youtube there is a three-part training video free to law enforcement inspired by the stalking death of Peggy Klinke. Ms. Klinke was stalked and murdered by her ex-boyfriend in January 2003. Originally designed for educating law enforcement, it is noted that the training video can be utilized by any organization or individuals.

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One of the stalking myths in domestic situations especially is the belief that ignoring the stalker will cause he or she to just go away – not so. In Peggy Klinke’s situation, her abuser Patrick Kennedy was relentless in pursuing Peggy hoping to win her back. He would call her cell phone every day, all day, and even showed up at her doorstep with flowers and an engagement ring. Peggy was through with emotional and verbal abuse – she got out of a bad relationship – but she had no peace.

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stalking 5

Manipulative and smooth talking abusers like Patrick do not handle rejection well. When he found out Peggy was in a new relationship he started harassing and threatening her new boyfriend. His desperation intensified to a new level which included setting fire to the new boyfriend’s house. It was never proved that Patrick was responsible, but the couple knew he was the guilty party. This was a major turning point in Peggy’s life. She moved to another state to put distance between her and her dangerous stalker while awaiting his trial date for felony stalking. Her extensive documentation was enough to obtain a charge against Patrick.

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It is a fact that abused women are in more danger when they leave their abusers. Friends and relatives often help the abusers locate the abused as depicted in the movie “What’s Love Got to Do with It? Ike Turner bought Tina Turner’s mother a house, and probably gave her many other financial benefits over the years. In turn, she felt obligated to tell Ike where Tina was so he could bring her and the children home. In other cases, friends and family may be frightened and threatened harm if they did not tell where the abused is hiding.

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Stalking 6

Patrick hired a private detective to find Peggy, and boarded a plane from New Mexico to California to find her, and killed her in a murder-suicide six days before his trial.  Unless an abused woman takes on a completely new identity, she can be easily found – especially with the technology available today. “Assembly Bill 978 – also known as “Peggy’s Law” – makes it misdemeanor for anyone targeted by a domestic-violence restraining order to try to locate the victim by hiring a private investigator, using a friend or relative or any other “third-party means.”

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Abusive stalkers go to extremes to maintain some sort of control over their victims. They are known to plant GPS systems in the vehicles of the abused, and hack their computers.

“Three years before her estranged husband killed her, Sandra Bentley told friends that her computer was doing things she did not want.”

“The cursor would highlight words by itself. It floated over them and even changed them spontaneously. Documents she created and saved disappeared from memory. Folders stored in one file were altered and saved somewhere else, Sandra’s friend Charma Meek said.”

“He had established a ghost on her computer.”

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stalking 9

What happened with Sandra’s computer is a form of “Gaslighing” – designed to make you feel that you are losing your mind. In this case however, this was another way her abusive husband kept tabs on her. Sandra left her abuser when she found out what her husband was doing behind her back. She wasn’t losing her mind after all. Unfortunately, leaving changed the game plan to murder. Sandra’s husband ran her down with his car in the Walmart parking lot where she worked. He then shot himself in the head – never a thought about their children.

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 “Used to be, if a spouse ran away in the night, it was quite a bit of work to find her,” said Aaron Hughes, a computer forensics expert based in Houston. “Now a lot of people have access to things that they never even thought about before.” GPS in cellphones, tracking devices hidden in vehicles and intercepted text messages sent to friends and relatives can help abusers find their victims.”

“Often, people are not aware that they are being electronically monitored, said Kristine Soule, a Tarrant County assistant district attorney.”

“Unless the abuser does something to let the victim know, the victim may not know,” Soule said.”

“That was the case with Sandra for a long time, friends say.”

stalking 8

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Now here’s a scary thought:

“People accept cellphones and other personal electronics as gifts from those they are dating without knowing what software is on those devices, she said.”

“Sometimes the gift is a Trojan horse, Villareal said.”

“Many times, they give you a phone for Christmas, and then they know your every move. He can see every phone call that’s made,” she said.

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Stalking extends the abuse once suffered at home, for the physical and emotional symptoms are the same. Stalking causes many sleepless nights, anxiety, vomiting, headaches, exhaustion, and fear. The uneasiness stems from fear of what the abuser may do because she left him. Many survive stalking from an abusive ex, and countless others do not.

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As noted by Criminal Psychologist Dr. Michelle Ward:

“Stalkers are not your average criminal. They are master manipulators. They understand that their stalking behavior usually amounts to “He said, she said” in the eyes of the law. A victim needs to prove a pattern of harassment that the stalker can’t refute. Until then, nothing can be done.”

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woman stressed

Those words are not comforting. Peggy documented “200 pages” of stalking incidents concerning Patrick, but she never got the chance to present the evidence in court. At least she did what she could do to hopefully end the madness. If he had not killed her, perhaps he would have served jail time. But what happens when abusive stalkers are set free? Would the abused still have to look over their shoulders? Would the abuser’s anger intensify because they were incarcerated?

Dr. Ward also said this about Patrick:

“He’s really trying to stop it. Patrick is obviously torturing Peggy, but he too is being tortured. He’s being tortured by his own sick mind. He’s just really trying to stop it one way or another. Whether he hurts himself or he hurts her, he just wants it to end.”

Patrick ended both their lives.

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RED FLAG

Patrick rushed Peggy into a relationship, and they moved in together shortly after. She was in a state far from family and friends, and she did not have a support system. Once Patrick had her where he wanted her, he started with the emotional and verbal abuse. He began to tear Peggy down in order to establish power and control – and to feel good about himself. Patrick most likely suffered from self-esteem issues according to Dr. Ward, and he built himself up through the abuse. Leaving him was not an option. Patrick exhibited the cruel and evil mentality of abusers that kill:

“If I can’t have her, no one else will.”

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When abusers stalk their prey, it is with the intent to do harm. Tell someone; involve others that can look out for you. Document, document, document – even though this may not have helped others, it may help you. Don’t keep abuse a secret, it may cost you your life. Take your time getting to know a potential mate. Beware of men who come across as the most charming, helpful, thoughtful, sweetest man you ever met – test the spirits.

Peggy was killed six days before Patrick was to stand trial for felony stalking. Her documentation gave the authorities the ammunition they needed to bring charges.

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Every domestic violence case should be looked at as a potential stalking case.
When dating Peggy Klinke, Patrick Kennedy had shown the kind of aggressive, controlling behavior that is typical of stalkers. Years of study show that there are common signs before a violent attack, a hostage situation, a murder. And stalking is at the top of that list of signs.”

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Psalm 35:1

“Of David. Contend, LORD, with those who contend with me; fight against those who fight against me.”

Romans 8:35
“Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?”

Romans 2:9

“There will be trouble and distress for every human being who does evil: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile;”

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Proverbs 6:12-15

“A troublemaker and a villain, who goes about with a corrupt mouth,

who winks maliciously with his eye, signals with his feet

and motions with his fingers, who plots evil with deceit in his heart—

he always stirs up conflict. Therefore disaster will overtake him in an instant;

he will suddenly be destroyed—without remedy.”

NSAM………………………………………..

Proverbs 6:16-19

There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him:

haughty eyes,

a lying tongue,

hands that shed innocent blood,

a heart that devises wicked schemes,

feet that are quick to rush into evil,

a false witness who pours out lies

and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.

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How to Protect Yourself From A Stalker

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Female Stalkers, Part 1: What is Stalking and Can Men Be Stalked by Women?

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Computers and Cellphones are Another Way Many Abusers Stalk Their Victims, Experts Say

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Are You Being Stalked? 19 Ways to Protect Yourself From a Stalker

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How to prevent or defend against online stalking

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Stalking Goes High Tech (and How to Protect Yourself)

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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND COHABITATION

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4 Comments

Posted by on June 12, 2013 in LEAVING ABUSE

 

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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE – THE DEATH OF A CHILD

By Terry Loving

child-in-coffinTrain up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6

“Then said he unto the disciples, It is impossible but that offences will come: but woe unto him, through whom they come! It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.” Luke 17:1-2

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In homes where domestic violence occurs, fear, instability, and confusion replace the love, comfort, and nurturing children need. These children live in constant fear of physical harm from the person who is supposed to care for and protect them. They may feel guilt at loving the abuser or blame themselves for causing the violence. “Domestic Violence, Understanding a Community Problem,” National Woman Abuse Prevention Fund.”

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PLEASE NOTE: No matter what – abusers are still responsible for their violence and abuse.

I post a lot about the abuse of women, and I have also written about the not so exposed fact that men can and do suffer domestic abuse – yes, it happens. I would like to spend time talking about the children that live in violent homes, the “silent witnesses” to the evil tyranny that destroys many innocent lives.

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 We know that children die in violent homes – fathers, boyfriends, mothers, girlfriends, family members, friends – all at some point have caused the death of a child during a domestic violence incident. Domestic-suicides are on the rise, and sadly children are killed just because they are in the home – no other reason – they are innocent, but often found guilty by association. I personally know of a sweet 9-year old boy who was murdered along with his mother by her live-in boyfriend. The child was watching cartoons, and had done nothing wrong. His mother’s abuser called him “a momma’s boy.”

frightened_child_14694662

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Today, I want to focus on the death of children that are still living. Some label what happens to abused children as a “death of the spirit,” and rightly so. Even though the child who constantly witnesses violence and perhaps suffers abuse directly is growing up physically, their inner core – their innocent free spirit is murdered, and they spend their entire lives trying to unsuccessfully resurrect the dead child. They spend their lives in confusion and pain – left unto themselves to put the pieces of their shattered souls together to make sense of what they endured.

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One of the reasons that I held off writing this post, is the fact that I cannot speak for the children without disclosing my own painful experiences – they have shaped my life – and not in many positive ways. Not only are my experiences traumatic, but they are embarrassing, humiliating, sinful, evil, shameful and have caused relationship confusion over the course of my life.

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Perhaps much of the same scenario is within abusive homes without the presence of alcohol or drugs – from my standpoint however, I can only speak about a home filled with alcoholism and violence. My two brothers and I suffered in many ways – for me – unspeakable horror.

Disciplining Children through Beating

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For the women who are desperately trying to leave abuse, I commend you and please do not take offense to what I have written. Many of you are not alcoholics, poor, uneducated and selfish – my mother was all of these and more.It is my belief that if we are going to expose the horrors of domestic violence and abuse, we have to cover all areas. This evil comes in many forms and the perpetrators can be male or female.

I do not look down on my mother because of her lack of education and her constant poverty – but know this, alcoholism creates and exasperates poverty in many cases. I say my mother was “selfish” because she had many options to leave abuse, get help for her alcoholism, place her children in safe care, but she chose none of these options when presented. Alcoholism is an extremely selfish “disease” as it has been labeled. The Bible does not see this lifestyle as a “disease.”

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Proverbs 20:1 “Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise.”

Isaiah 5:11 “Woe to those who rise early in the morning to run after their drinks, who stay up late at night till they are inflamed with wine.”

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Children immersed in a culture of violence become insecure and lack an inner conscience that holds respect for others. They are easily discouraged and have low self-esteem. They live without hope. From such a life comes confusion, hostility and violence.” Roger Toogood, ASW/ACSW Executive Director, Children’s Home Society of Minnesota

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 CHILD_ABUSE_by_COR_IESU

There are many abused women who suffer abuse at the hands of one man for years. And there are others who continually find themselves in one abusive relationship after another – this is the case with my mother. She was not married to either of her abusers, and separated from my father whom she was married to. I never heard of my father abusing her, however, he had an alcohol problem as well. He left my two brothers and me when I was 3-years old.

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As an adult, I cannot understand why she allowed herself to be treated so badly. Out of all of her siblings, she was the only one that I know of beaten by violent men. Many of the men in our generation were alcoholics, and only one uncle was violent when he drank his poison of choice. I never heard of my mother being mistreated as a child, although her father left when she was young as well. I tried to connect the dots, but she is the only one who lived this way constantly.

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“Approximately one third of the men counseled for battering are professional men who are well respected in their jobs and in their communities. These have included doctors, physiologists, lawyers, ministers and business executives.” David Adams, “Identifying the Assaultive Husband in Court: You Be the Judge.” Boston Bar Journal, July/August, 1989.

 drunk-women

 Many times my brothers and I were hungry. I can remember going to bed hungry, getting up hoping there was breakfast at least, and going to school on the same empty stomach that I went to sleep on the previous night. There was no shortage of alcohol, only food. I can still see myself getting off the school bus with fingers crossed that there would be food at home – sometimes there was, and many times not. This is one of the atrocities of domestic violence and alcoholism.

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The wars at home are forever pressed in my mind. I can still see and hear that little girl screaming, “LEAVE MY MOMMY ALONE!” I can still hear the sounds of glass breaking, body slamming, screaming, and see ever still the sight of blood. I was in my thirties when I stopped having nightmares, and at the age of 61, I still have flashbacks and painful memories that haunt me and they will never go away.

foodad_hungrgychildren

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My brothers grew up and learned to abuse their wives. My oldest brother’s wife left him, and he abused a girlfriend that took his life. He was an alcoholic as well. Our home was a haven for anyone, young or old who desired to drink, smoke cigarettes and party. My other brother became a Christian and ceased to abuse his wife, they are still together – he refused to bail like my father did. I cannot say much more about him for he is still alive.

 

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Children often times rely on the abusers for food and shelter, but secretly wish they would disappear or die. I hated to see my mother’s abusers come home, and yet – I was glad to see any signs of hope that we would eat. If the abuser decided to stay away, especially when he got paid and my mother did not have money, we starved. During bouts of hunger I learned false pride. I had one or two friends then, and when I was offered food at their home I would kindly say, “I’m OK.” They knew I was hungry but they did not press the issue if I refused.

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We constantly moved due to evictions of non-payment of rent. We moved so much our family members called us “Gypsies.” I never understood that as a child. In the 60’s and 70’s, the Constable would plaster a bright orange eviction notice on the brick wall outside of the house. Everyone that passed by knew we were being kicked out. Often times we would have to bathe in cold water, and wash clothes in the bathtub. When the water went cold, and the food was scarce trouble was on the horizon.

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eviction

I was molested in the first or second grade – I cannot remember which. My mother had a job at the time, and she trusted one of her boyfriends to watch me because I was home from school with a cold. The memory is so vivid that I can still see the teddy bears on my pajamas. This was my first introduction to the male anatomy. I never told my mother because the devil threatened to “kill her.” Of course I believed him – why not – he beat her bloody, why not kill her too?

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Worst of all, my own mother betrayed me for alcohol. She got drunk with no money, and I paid the price. I wrote the details in my book – one that I have been too ashamed to publish – but asking God to give me strength if it will help someone else.

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I was always ashamed to bring friends home, which is why I had one or two. I would mostly go to visit at their home. I hated for anyone to see my mother drunk and I was very embarrassed. Our home was embarrassing as well – it looked like a war zone, and very dismal.

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HEALTH Alcohol 074058

I have given you the short version of some of the things I suffered as a child. I can tell you straight up, children witnessing domestic violence will kill the child that was meant to laugh and play like children should. I was never a child. I had to cook, clean, take care of the home and an alcoholic mother. I do not have fun child-hood memories that children should have. I mostly remember wars, betrayal and things I will take to my grave.

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 “Survivors of domestic violence face high rates of depression, sleep disturbances, anxiety, flashbacks, and other emotional distress.”  http://www.safehorizon.org/index/what-we-do-2/domestic-violence–abuse-53/domestic-violence-the-facts-195.html

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All of the above is true – survivors carry a ton of weight and the “flashbacks” never cease. I can watch a movie, read a book, work my ministry and my mind will click with another horrible memory. The sad part is, I struggle with my feelings towards my mother. The Bible admonishes us to forgive so that we ourselves can be forgiven. The problem is this, I will remember something, get angry, cry, and forgive – but the cycle continues to a point that I despise her over and over again. We did not have to go through her messed up life. She was selfish, and claimed to love her children, but she did not. Again, if you do not fit into this category please do not take my pain personally. Do all you can to not allow your own children to suffer and repeat the cycle of domestic violence and abuse.

depression

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I saved the statistics until last because I needed to make this post more personal. I have adult friends that have suffered and shared, but others who act like they were not affected – I do not believe that.

Another thing that bothers me is this – when children grow up under these circumstances, family members especially, neighbors and sometimes friends never consider the source. They will say things like, “Don’t let your daughter hang out with her,” or “He was a mean little boy.” They never say, “Man, they sure messed those kids up!” Domestic violence and abuse will kill your children literally and spiritually. Get out if you can!

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Save your children! You owe them that much and more. If not, they will pass on family dysfunction to the next generation. Every area of their lives will be affected, trust me – I know.

Don’t let your children die!

Ignoring the consequences of exposure to violence on children can negatively impact their cognitive development as well as their emotional and physical health (Edleson, 1999). Complicating these risks and negative impacts is the fact that these children are at higher risk for child maltreatment, with estimates indicating that as many as 70% of children exposed to domestic violence are also victims of child maltreatment (Fantuzzo & Mohr, (1999)

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COMMENT ON VIDEO

“I grew up in a home where I would have to fight my father to allow my mother to get away. There were times where I had to get my bb gun at 11-12 years old and aim at my father just to get his attention. The fights my parents had were bad, they dealt a damage to one another all the time but my dad had the advantage. Idk.. stuff like this just never leaves. Theres not a day that goes by where I dont stop thinking about it and this is 6-7 years later. No child should grow up in a home with violence.

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COMMENT ON VIDEO

“Some parents shouldn’t be parents at all. I was abused by a borderline personality disorder (look up the movie Mommie Dearest) mother and a father that enabled her behavior and many times participated in the humiliation, beatings, lies along with physical and mental abuse. My sisters and I suffer in our adulthood and we’ll continue suffering until the day we die. This type of pain never goes away.”

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COMMENT ON VIDEO

“i think i suffer a different degree of PTSD. Domestic verbal abuse and parents would argue all the time. But after all of that stopped my mother dies in a car accident. I still remember the day, songs i heard, games i played, book i read, and the warrant officer who told me the bad news. PTSD is hell in your brain. I cant socialize, have fun, and be an amusing human like i used to. it’s like half of your soul dies. time can heal it as it’s doing for me. but there will always be a scar.”

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5 Ways Domestic Violence Causes Harm to Children

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“Children may exhibit emotional problems, cry excessively, or be withdrawn or shy. Children may have difficulty making friends or have fear of adults. Children may suffer from depression and excessive absences from school. Children may use violence for solving problems at school and home. Children may be at greater risk of being a runaway, being suicidal, or committing criminal acts as juveniles and adults. Children who are experiencing stress may show it in different ways, including difficulty in sleeping, bedwetting, over-achieving, behavior problems, withdrawing, stomach aches, headaches and/or diarrhea.”

“Children who grow up in violent homes have much higher risks of becoming drug or alcohol abusers or being involved in abusive relationships, as a batterer or a victim. Children do not have to be abused themselves in order to be impacted by violence in the home.”    http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/effects.htm

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Parenting after Separating from Your Abusive Ex — by Dr George Simon Jr

“Remember that you have no power over the nature and quality of the relationship your children will have with your ex. And it’s extremely counterproductive to carry out a covert war against your abusive ex through your children. It will only demonize you in their eyes and invite them to over-idealize their character-deficient other parent. Instead, focus intently on the nature of your own relationship with them.”

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Effects of Domestic Violence on Children

“It was reported in 1992 that 63% of children between the ages of 11 and 20 who were in prison, were there because they killed their mother’s batterer.”

“Do statistics like this startle you? Do they make you think about the kind of situation the child must have been in to even think of murder as a solution? Sadly more children than you might think live in homes where domestic violence occurs on a regular basis.”

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Child Protection in Families Experiencing Domestic Violence

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PTSD in Children and Adolescents

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Post-traumatic Stress in Children and Adolescents Exposed to Family Violence: I. Overview and Issues

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Women, Domestic Violence, and Posttraumatic Stress

Disorder (PTSD)*

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Child murder by mothers: patterns and prevention

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RISKS POSED TO CHILDREN FROM VIOLENT HOMES

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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND ALCOHOL

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THE THINGS WE DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT

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Domestic Violence: A Power Struggle With Lasting Consequences

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http://emily.last-memories.com/

“Child Abuse is real. It’s not something in fairy tales, or songs. It happens every day. Children cannot fight the real life monsters in their life, it’s our job as human beings with hearts to do it for them. We have to stop being silent and covering up. We must take a stand. We must continue the fight to stop child abuse. It’s too late to change what happened to Emily but let her story be a reminder to you, that we have to put an end to child abuse. For Emily, for the future of our children.”

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Alcohol is one of Satan’s tools of destruction. The book of Wisdom warns of becoming partakers and shows the results:

“Who has woe? Who has sorrow?
Who has contentions? Who has complaining?
Who has wounds without cause?
Who has redness of eyes?
Those who linger long over wine,
Those who go to taste mixed wine.
Do not look on the wine when it is red,
When it sparkles in the cup,
When it goes down smoothly;
At last it bites like a serpent
And stings like a viper.
Your eyes will see strange things
And your mind will utter perverse things,
And you will be like one who lies down in the middle of
the sea,
Or one who lies down on top of a mast.
They struck me, but I did not become ill;
They beat me, but I did not know it.
When shall I awake?
I will seek another drink.”

(Proverbs 23:29-35)

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“Child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime.”
– Herbert Ward

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bastard out of carolina

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com

“This fine but shocking drama (which Ted Turner paid for and then refused to show on his cable outfits), based on the novel by Dorothy Allison, concerns extensive abuse endured by a girl (Jena Malone) at the hands of her stepfather (Ron Eldard), while her mother (Jennifer Jason Leigh) looks the other way. Anjelica Huston made her directorial debut with this film and demonstrates that talent also runs in the family when behind the camera. Difficult to watch but mitigated by Huston’s intelligent approach and sense of balance–as well as outstanding performances–this is a significant film best left to the most mature audiences. –Tom Keogh”

What’s more, Bone’s mother has to choose between her daughter and the man she loves.

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009-2013
All rights reserved.

 
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Posted by on April 29, 2013 in PROTECTING CHILDREN FROM ABUSE

 

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DO ABUSERS HAVE A CONSCIENCE?

By Terry Loving

The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith. Timothy 1:5

A CRY FOR JUSTICE BOOK

“And herein do I exercise myself – And this very tenet is a pledge for my good behavior; for as I believe there will be a resurrection, both of the just and unjust, and that every man shall be judged for the deeds done in the body, so I exercise myself day and night, that I may have a conscience void of offense toward God and toward men.

Toward God – In entertaining no opinion contrary to his truth; and in offering no worship contrary to his dignity, purity, and excellence.

Toward men – In doing nothing to them that I would not, on a change of circumstances, they should do to me; and in withholding nothing by which I might comfort and serve them.” 1

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“Abusive people have dysfunctional or even non-functioning consciences. In contrast, their victims have very active consciences. And the abuser uses this to his advantage. He can, without any hesitation or remorse, insinuate a horrid charge against her, making her feel the pangs of her own conscience, and causing her to wonder if she really is guilty.” 2

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Most have heard the saying, “Let your conscience be your guide.” When making decisions in life, “normal” thinking people rely on their inner voice to decide what actions they should take. Depending upon the level of maturity, a person with high morals, integrity, ethics and the like will usually make decisions they can live with. In other words, the choices they make in life would be those that do not keep them awake at night torturing their minds with guilt. After making their final decision they are able to live with themselves knowing they made the right choice – no harm done.

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1 John 3:21
“Beloved, if our heart condemn us not, then have we confidence toward God.”

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The abuser’s decision-making process is much different. Their decisions are not based upon what is right, just, fair, moral, ethical, nor do they consider the feelings of others. Life is all about the abuser and their comfort and well-being. It is within the avenues of power and control as well as entitlement that the abuser establishes a domain of terror. He feels justified.

depression1

The word conscience is defined as:

[kon-shuhns] Show IPA

noun

1. the inner sense of what is right or wrong in one’s conduct or motives, impelling one toward right action: to follow the dictates of conscience.

2. the complex of ethical and moral principles that controls or inhibits the actions or thoughts of an individual.

3. an inhibiting sense of what is prudent: I’d eat another piece of pie but my conscience would bother me. 3

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Pastor Jeff Crippen beautifully explains in his book – A CRY FOR JUSTICE how we assume that abusers must be “weighed down” by their horrid actions toward others. Normally, non-abusive souls would agonize over wrongs committed towards others, and seek to make amends. Because we would feel bad inside, we naturally think that others would feel the same – not so with abusers. In fact, Jeff explains how abusers use our assumptions against us as they play the “victim.” The abuser’s deeds do not weigh heavy upon them, for they are functioning in what they perceive as a normal way of life. They are oblivious to the real pain they cause others because they do not care – life is all about the abuser – no one else – not even God.

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abused woman

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In the absence of a “healthy” conscience, abusers can beat the daylights out of their victims, and minutes later take the family out for an ice cream cone. His family, especially his spouse is his personal property to do with them as he sees fit. The beatings or verbal put downs in his mind are his God-given right to keep his family in line. After all, God made him the head, and all beneath him must submit or face dire consequences. Is there any remorse for the abuse? Never! Entitlement and false justification do not produce such emotions.

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Abusers lack empathy which is why they can bloody your face and throw you a towel in disgust – “Clean yourself up, you are a mess!” Your bloody wounds are only an issue when you no longer look “pretty.” After all, he is the only man that is allowed to look at you. They will never admit fault for your pain, because you – according to them – “Brought it on yourself!” Abusers are very capable of fake empathy, especially when the abused threatens to leave them. The false tears only serve to melt the heart of the abused, and the cycle of torture will repeat itself. This is how the crazy making stage begins.

obey fist

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Abusers who claim to be Christians pretend holiness, and yet – they have no conscience – not in the sense of what we define as “normal.” 1Timothy 4:2 speaks of “hypocrites” and “liars” that have a conscience that has been “seared with a hot iron.” Verses 1-5 gives us a clear picture of the spiritual apostasy that shall take place in these “latter days” – the Christian age. According to various views of Bible commentaries, a conscience “seared with a hot iron” can also be applied to the conscience of abusers, especially those who call themselves Christians.

woman hit man with shoe

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Can we not safely say that abusers in our places of worship have “departed from the faith?” The foundation of the “faith” that Jesus ministered is based on love. It is not possible that abusers are following Christ, but their own hypocritical self-imposed doctrine of hate. They are incapable of the agape love that we should have for one another. Agape love possesses compassion for the plight of others as well as; empathy; true love; it is selfless, sacrificial, unconditional love that abusers do not possess.

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“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” John 3:16

“He that loves not knows not God; for God is love.” 1 John 4:8

“A new commandment I give to you, That you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another.”  John 13:34-35

“Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.”  1 Corinthians 13:1-13

The consciences of abusers are senseless and unfeeling as flesh that has been cauterized. “The sensitiveness of their consciences is destroyed by the brand of the devil.”  People’s New Testament

domestic-abuse

“The metaphor is from the practice of branding slaves or criminals, the latter on the brow. These deceivers are not acting under delusion, but deliberately, and against their conscience. They wear the form of godliness, and contradict their profession by their crooked conduct (2 Timothy 3:5). The brand is not on their brow, but on their conscience. Comp.” Titus 1:15; Titus 3:11Vincent’s Word Studies

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“To the pure, all things are pure; but to those who are defiled and unbelieving, nothing is pure, but both their mind and their conscience are defiled.” (Titus 1:15)

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Jeff also notes a “degree of abuse” that ranges from “remarkably selfish” to “narcissistic,” “sociopaths” to “psychopaths.” When abusers reach the sociopath or psychopath levels, many people view the abusers as having no conscience at all. However, Pastor Crippen maintains that abusers do have a conscience, but they are “dysfunctional.” They possess not the normal means of inner conviction which keeps our passions for wrong in check.

When the searing of the conscience takes place, no one can say for sure. What we can know is the fact that abusers “speak lies in hypocrisy,” they are senseless, and unfeeling:

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 “Such a conscience exists in a mind that will practice delusion without concern; that will carry on a vast system of fraud without wincing; that will incarcerate, scourge, or burn the innocent without compassion; and that will practice gross enormities, and indulge in sensual gratifications under the mask of piety.”  Barnes’ Notes on the Bible

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the_sociopath_next_door_martha_stout_unabridged_mp3_compact_disc

The Sociopath Next Door

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I highly recommend A CRY FOR JUSTICE for many reasons. It opened my eyes to a darker side of abusers, and their cunning ways. This book took my understanding of abuse much deeper, and I could feel the essence of evil more acutely as I read each page. It is a must read for those who desire to counsel the abused, and for church leaders who need to educate themselves concerning this atrocity that is hidden within our houses of worship. In addition, I also recommend this book for self-study as well as group Bible study.

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The main reason I applaud this work is the fact that Pastor Crippen isn’t afraid to “call a spade a spade.” He says what needs to be said, and isn’t concerned as many other pastors are about stepping on toes. There is no arrogance in his preaching  and teaching against domestic abuse, for he understands that the Christian church is under spiritual attack, and the people of God have been silent and ignorant for too long. The last place on earth we should witness abuse is in our houses of worship, and our Christian homes.

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It is important to understand the many faces of abusers and how they deceive us. Jeff also covers topics such as, “Why the Church Covers Up Abuse,” “Dealing With Abusers,” “The Abuser’s Use of Shame and Fear” and much more. He also covers “The Devastating Effects of Abuse on Children.” Personally, I am one who is suffering, and will most likely continue to suffer those “devastating effects.” They are very real!

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Pastor Crippen and Anna Wood – THANK YOU!

http://cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com/

A Cry for Justice: How the Evil of Domestic Abuse Hides in Your Church

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Conscience (36 Occurrences)

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http://www.sociopathworld.com/

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Profile of the Sociopath

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Charmer/ Abusers and their ‘Prey’

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   An Interview with Martha Stout

How do you spot a sociopath?

“A sociopath has no conscience, no ability to feel shame, guilt or remorse. Since 1 in 25 ordinary Americans is a sociopath, you almost certainly know one or more than one already. How can you recognize him or her?”

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Potentially Abusive Personalities: Some Red Flags – by Dr. George Simon, Jr.

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 1 Clarke’s Commentary on the Bible

2 A CRY FOR JUSTICE – The Abuser’s Use of Shame and Fear – 89

 3 Chicago Manual Style (CMS):conscience. Dictionary.com. Dictionary.com Unabridged. Random House, Inc. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/conscience (accessed: April 14, 2013).

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009-2013
All rights reserved.

 
15 Comments

Posted by on April 14, 2013 in Sociopaths And Psycopaths

 

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“FORGIVE AND FORGET” – IS IT POSSIBLE?

By Terry Loving

“It hurts too much to forgive.”

Years ago, I taught a ladies Bible class on the subject of “forgiveness.” The most memorable moment of that day was the objection by the Minister’s wife. I made this statement, “When you forgive someone, it doesn’t mean that you have to interact with them.” She did not agree. In fact, the Minister’s wife said, “If we do not fellowship with or be around the person we forgave, then that means that we have not truly forgiven them. Well, of course I had to defend my position, and I still stand by it today.

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There are many misconceptions concerning forgiveness, and to “forgive and forget” is one of them. Unless you are brain dead, physically dead, or have the ability to wipe out your memory completely – you will most likely remember some painful event, especially when sinned against as a child. As an adult, you may have forgiven your uncle for molesting you when you were seven-years old, but you will never forget the happening.  Your growing up was “interrupted,” and you are left with confusion, pain, anger, memories, hurt – a lot of feelings that you are unable to process without professional help. Even then, you may never get over being molested – you were betrayed by someone you trusted. The feelings about yourself will most likely be those of inferiority, and you may struggle with self-esteem and self-acceptance.

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Your uncle may have your forgiveness, but he has lost your trust. As an adult, you are always uncomfortable around him, and you vow to never leave your children alone with him – ever! Does this mean that you have not truly forgiven him? – Not at all. The precautions mean that he is a child-molester and not to be trusted. Child molesters rarely change, if ever. Forgiveness does not equal blind trust. It does not erase the past, nor should everyone pretend that nothing ever happened.

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Domestic abusers often beg for forgiveness, and many times they are forgiven – over, and over again. When the abused cannot take the abuse anymore and leave the relationship, the abuser accuses them of being unforgiving. The real truth is the abusers have not truly repented! If the abuser truly repents, and the relationship isn’t beyond repair, then the forgiveness should allow for healing with counseling and whatever else it would take to make the relationship whole. Unfortunately, most abusers are not sincere with their fake apologies and tears. If they were truly sorrowful, the “honeymoon stage” would not exist.

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 While writing this post, it is difficult not to include some of my own life’s story. When I was a “busy” person, there wasn’t much time to reflect on my past. My first time being laid off from work is when God revealed things to me, and I began a journey of inner reflection. Many people stay “busy” to keep from thinking and feeling, but we do ourselves an injustice especially when there are life issues we should address. In my case, I did not realize that I was covering up pain with work, school, relationships, worship, friends, hobby’s, etc. I thought I was living, but I was missing key information that kept my soul angered. Solitude is a necessary journey.

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As far as abuse goes, I take some responsibility for those relationships that went wrong. The violence and mistreatment were the sole responsibility of the abusers; my part was ignorance concerning red flags. I never thought that I would need to educate myself about domestic violence, for I saw the madness that happened to my mother and her friends as being “their issue.” I knew what to look for after the fact, but not before allowing myself to get involved with an abusive man.

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I can forgive my abusers, especially now that they are deceased, (not by my hands). When they were alive, I just stayed away from them, and decided that they were bad company and there was no need for friendships. I forgave, but chose to keep my distance. Did that mean I did not truly forgive them – not at all. Wrong-doing has consequences. I chose not to be bitter, but I never forgot what happened during those abusive moments. I chose to not listen to another, “I’m sorry.” Forgive and forget? – You never mentally forget.

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Is it possible that we find it difficult to forgive others because we think forgiving amounts to a pardon that erases their offense completely? Do we think that once forgiveness is extended their offense magically disappears as if it never happened? Is it possible that we withhold forgiveness because we still experience pain while we think our offenders will go free – live happy lives while we are miserable?  After all, why should we carry a burden we did not ask for? We were sinned against, so why should we pardon offenders when we were just children trying to grow up? Wives trying to be the best mates they could be to an abuser? Husbands who gave their all and still their wives hated and verbally abused them. Why should we forgive what we feel is unforgivable?

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Before I state reasons why we should forgive, I repeat – “You will never forget.” There will always be triggers, a movie – a comment – a song – painful experiences others share, etc. Something will always remind you of the traumatic experience(s) that you try to forget. You will remember them for they will make you a “different” person from the person you long to be. You will have inner struggles, emotionally and you will have highs and lows when it comes to happiness. This may not be the case for everyone, but it happens to most people. Abuse changes a person from the inside out.

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On a personal note, I find myself having to forgive my mother over and over again. Whenever I come to the conclusion that she was a wreck, I forgive her. Then again, as repressed memories surface, I am angry and appalled all over again. So I find myself on this crazy cycle of anger, forgive, remember, anger, forgive and it may always be this way. The most important thing is to not allow myself to become bitter. I will mention this again in a few.

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Why should we forgive? Because if we expect and hope for forgiveness of our own trespasses, we must forgive people of theirs:

14“For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15“But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions. (Matthew 6:14-15)

Geneva Study Bible

{4} For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:

(4) They that forgive wrongs, to them sins are forgiven, but revenge is prepared for them that take revenge.

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I interpret the “forgive and forget” concept this way. You will never mentally forget, but the forgetting should involve not holding a grudge to the point of seeking revenge. When offenses remain at the forefront of our thoughts, we cannot see our way clearly to release our pain into the Hands of a loving Father. Instead, we become bitter, angry with God, and unleash our pain onto those who are closest to us. We want blood!

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We become angry with God and discount the fact that we live in a fallen world, ruled by the god of this world. Yes, God saw what happened to you, to me, to everyone that was sinned against, and will be sinned against. Surely He will avenge:

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
For we know Him who said, “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY.” And again, “THE LORD WILL JUDGE HIS PEOPLE.”

Deuteronomy 32:35 It is mine to avenge; I will repay. In due time their foot will slip; their day of disaster is near and their doom rushes upon them.”

Our responsibility is to forgive – release the pain, and trust that God will heal our wounds so that we can move on. We are admonished to not allow bitter roots to grow within our hearts.

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled;”

“Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret–it leads only to evil.” Psalm 37:8

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.”

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Wesley’s Notes

“4:31 Let all bitterness – The height of settled anger, opposite to kindness, ver.32. And wrath – Lasting displeasure toward the ignorant, and them that are out of the way, opposite to tenderheartedness. And anger – The very first risings of disgust at those that injure you, opposite to forgiving one another. And clamour – Or bawling. I am not angry, says one; but it is my way to speak so. Then unlearn that way: it is the way to hell. And evil speaking – Be it in ever so mild and soft a tone, or with ever such professions of kindness. Here is a beautiful retrogradation, beginning with the highest, and descending to the lowest, degree of the want of love.”

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“Another man dies in bitterness of soul, never having enjoyed anything good.” Job 21:25

Forgiveness is for our own good, so that we can go on with our lives. Bitterness of soul robs us of the opportunity to begin our lives afresh, on our own terms. Those who sinned against us were unable to take away our free will. We still have the opportunity to choose – be healed, or continue to be angry which leads to bitterness. You will live, but “never having enjoyed anything good.”

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New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.” (to be moved, or to fall)

Forgiveness on our part is a releasing. Only God can truly forgive our transgressions:

“I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.” Isaiah 43:25

Again in Hebrews 8:12:

“For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.”

“4. If people are ever pardoned, they must come to God – and to God alone. They must come, not to justify themselves, but to confess their crimes. And they must come with a willingness that God should pardon them on just such terms as he pleases; at just such a time as he pleases; and solely with a view to the promotion of his own glory. Unless they have this feeling, they never can be forgiven, nor should they be forgiven.”  Barnes’ Notes on the Bible

Not everyone will repent of wrong deeds. Because abusers move on with their lives without righting a wrong, they erroneously conclude that what was done is done, and no there is need to look back. However, a day of reckoning is coming:

“For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.” 2 Corinthians 5:10

Also, Matthew 12:36:

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“But I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgment.”

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In conclusion, take back the essence of you, your power and sanity from your abuser(s). Spending time wondering if they will ever be punished is a waste of precious life. If we wallow in pity and anger, abusers win – and they still have power over our lives. I admonish myself when I feel like giving up that “I cannot let them win.” Besides, I don’t know how to give up, God has placed a gift and talents within my soul. I enjoy employing them, especially to help others. I can never figure out what I would do if I gave up anyway. I conclude that quitting life is not my destiny. God does not desire failure for your life as well.

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 My mother is deceased, so I cannot ask her, “Why?” Perhaps God in His infinite Wisdom waited until she died to reveal many things to me. On the one hand I am glad that I cannot confront her, for I would not want to dishonor God by dishonoring her, although my pain says she deserves it. So I press along, looking forward with hope, and walking with Hope. Some glad morning, a new day will dawn, and God shall wipe away my pain. Until then, God soothes my soul when I help others in His name.

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I have learned to detach from this world, and in many cases – not voluntarily. Therefore, I am at peace in spite of the memories that I wish to forget. Serving my Lord is more important to me than the things that happened in my life. My Father promised a reward, and that is what comforts me. I will never forget, but I forgive trespasses as I ask that God forgives mine.

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.

Peace be unto you.

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“For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what he has done.”  Matthew 16:27

King James Bible (Cambridge Ed.)

“And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.”

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WILL GOD PUNISH MY ABUSER?

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Why Do Victims Start To Mirror Their Abuser’s Behavior?

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HE BEATS ME – BUT HE IS A GOOD MAN!

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http://spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

 

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Posted by on October 29, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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