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Category Archives: LEAVING ABUSE

WHEN ABUSERS STALK THEIR PREY

By Terry Loving

stalking 1

“Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.”    (1 Peter 5:8)

I had an experience with stalking years ago that unnerved me – but not in a frightening way. One day I noticed a non-abusive ex riding past my house. It isn’t uncommon for a driver to not notice the “dead end” sign at the beginning of the street I lived on. In this case however, he knew the street had no outlet, and therefore he had a specific purpose in mind. This particular day I was sitting by the window watching the squirrels chase one another – I noticed my ex driving by. He drove to the dead end, turned around and drove slowly back the other way.

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At another time I was shopping at my neighborhood supermarket, turned to place fruit in my cart – and there he was – just standing behind me watching. I was surprised, but not afraid because he wasn’t an abuser, just someone who decided on the wrong woman and had regrets – oh well. Anyway, we greeted one another and I noticed the lonely loaf of bread in his cart. I supposed this was his way of not drawing attention to himself – just another shopper.

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stalking 2

I was a bit curious though – he did not live in my neighborhood. And I am certain that he passed many stores on the way home that sold a loaf of bread. He briefly indicated that his marriage was not going well, but he never said that he made a mistake in his choosing. Later I figured that he had, for why stalk me – an ex, ride past my house, and follow me to the supermarket? Did he leave with the loaf of bread? I do not know. At our departure, my mind was racing, wondering how I missed signs that I was being stalked – especially when he confessed after I told him I saw him riding past my house – “It’s not the first time.” WOW! Talk about feeling weird at the thought of him following me around.

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I missed the signs because I was not expecting this type of behavior from him. More so, I did not know what type of vehicle he drove until the day I saw him driving by. We crossed paths at a later time and he was driving yet another vehicle. This is one of the ways that abusers stalk their victims. They somehow obtain different vehicles, sometimes borrowed, and follow their victims. I thank God this wasn’t a domestic abuse situation for I could have been killed or seriously hurt by an avenging mad man. It happens every day in America – we just don’t hear much about it.

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Young female looking through window blinds at night.(shallow depth of field)

So what is stalking? The following is a legal definition:

“A person who intentionally and repeatedly follows or harasses another person and who makes a credible threat, either expressed or implied, with the intent to place that person in reasonable fear of death or serious bodily harm is guilty of the crime of stalking. A person may be charged with aggravated stalking if they commit the crime of stalking while subject to a temporary restraining order, injunction against trespass, or similar order.”

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“Stalkers target public figures or celebrities, children, and sometimes even complete strangers. But, in most cases, a stalker is someone you know and with whom you have had a relationship. Criminal statutes which can be used in an effort to deter stalking include laws against harassment and assault, as well as a specific stalking law.”

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From state to state, stalking laws may vary; however, the essence of the act itself is standard across state lines. Stalking is intentional and intended to make your life miserable, cause harm or death. Many abused women feel safe once the abuser has left the home – but are they really? You change your locks, install a security system, get a vicious dog, perhaps buy a gun – do all that is necessary to protect yourself at home. But what happens when you go to work, church services, the dentist or the supermarket? Are you safe? Many abused persons are not.

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In many cases there are connections such as children, a marriage, property and other avenues abusers use to maintain control over your life. Shared friends and family often serve as information portals for abusers to keep abreast of the events in the life of the abused. When the abused makes the decision to leave abuse, as difficult as it may be, leaving shared friends often becomes necessary. Some friends may side with the abuser and feed him information that the abused shared in confidence.

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I highly recommend watching STALKED: SOMEONE’S WATCHING on Netflix, and on Youtube there is a three-part training video free to law enforcement inspired by the stalking death of Peggy Klinke. Ms. Klinke was stalked and murdered by her ex-boyfriend in January 2003. Originally designed for educating law enforcement, it is noted that the training video can be utilized by any organization or individuals.

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One of the stalking myths in domestic situations especially is the belief that ignoring the stalker will cause he or she to just go away – not so. In Peggy Klinke’s situation, her abuser Patrick Kennedy was relentless in pursuing Peggy hoping to win her back. He would call her cell phone every day, all day, and even showed up at her doorstep with flowers and an engagement ring. Peggy was through with emotional and verbal abuse – she got out of a bad relationship – but she had no peace.

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stalking 5

Manipulative and smooth talking abusers like Patrick do not handle rejection well. When he found out Peggy was in a new relationship he started harassing and threatening her new boyfriend. His desperation intensified to a new level which included setting fire to the new boyfriend’s house. It was never proved that Patrick was responsible, but the couple knew he was the guilty party. This was a major turning point in Peggy’s life. She moved to another state to put distance between her and her dangerous stalker while awaiting his trial date for felony stalking. Her extensive documentation was enough to obtain a charge against Patrick.

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It is a fact that abused women are in more danger when they leave their abusers. Friends and relatives often help the abusers locate the abused as depicted in the movie “What’s Love Got to Do with It? Ike Turner bought Tina Turner’s mother a house, and probably gave her many other financial benefits over the years. In turn, she felt obligated to tell Ike where Tina was so he could bring her and the children home. In other cases, friends and family may be frightened and threatened harm if they did not tell where the abused is hiding.

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Stalking 6

Patrick hired a private detective to find Peggy, and boarded a plane from New Mexico to California to find her, and killed her in a murder-suicide six days before his trial.  Unless an abused woman takes on a completely new identity, she can be easily found – especially with the technology available today. “Assembly Bill 978 – also known as “Peggy’s Law” – makes it misdemeanor for anyone targeted by a domestic-violence restraining order to try to locate the victim by hiring a private investigator, using a friend or relative or any other “third-party means.”

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Abusive stalkers go to extremes to maintain some sort of control over their victims. They are known to plant GPS systems in the vehicles of the abused, and hack their computers.

“Three years before her estranged husband killed her, Sandra Bentley told friends that her computer was doing things she did not want.”

“The cursor would highlight words by itself. It floated over them and even changed them spontaneously. Documents she created and saved disappeared from memory. Folders stored in one file were altered and saved somewhere else, Sandra’s friend Charma Meek said.”

“He had established a ghost on her computer.”

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stalking 9

What happened with Sandra’s computer is a form of “Gaslighing” – designed to make you feel that you are losing your mind. In this case however, this was another way her abusive husband kept tabs on her. Sandra left her abuser when she found out what her husband was doing behind her back. She wasn’t losing her mind after all. Unfortunately, leaving changed the game plan to murder. Sandra’s husband ran her down with his car in the Walmart parking lot where she worked. He then shot himself in the head – never a thought about their children.

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 “Used to be, if a spouse ran away in the night, it was quite a bit of work to find her,” said Aaron Hughes, a computer forensics expert based in Houston. “Now a lot of people have access to things that they never even thought about before.” GPS in cellphones, tracking devices hidden in vehicles and intercepted text messages sent to friends and relatives can help abusers find their victims.”

“Often, people are not aware that they are being electronically monitored, said Kristine Soule, a Tarrant County assistant district attorney.”

“Unless the abuser does something to let the victim know, the victim may not know,” Soule said.”

“That was the case with Sandra for a long time, friends say.”

stalking 8

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Now here’s a scary thought:

“People accept cellphones and other personal electronics as gifts from those they are dating without knowing what software is on those devices, she said.”

“Sometimes the gift is a Trojan horse, Villareal said.”

“Many times, they give you a phone for Christmas, and then they know your every move. He can see every phone call that’s made,” she said.

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Stalking extends the abuse once suffered at home, for the physical and emotional symptoms are the same. Stalking causes many sleepless nights, anxiety, vomiting, headaches, exhaustion, and fear. The uneasiness stems from fear of what the abuser may do because she left him. Many survive stalking from an abusive ex, and countless others do not.

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As noted by Criminal Psychologist Dr. Michelle Ward:

“Stalkers are not your average criminal. They are master manipulators. They understand that their stalking behavior usually amounts to “He said, she said” in the eyes of the law. A victim needs to prove a pattern of harassment that the stalker can’t refute. Until then, nothing can be done.”

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woman stressed

Those words are not comforting. Peggy documented “200 pages” of stalking incidents concerning Patrick, but she never got the chance to present the evidence in court. At least she did what she could do to hopefully end the madness. If he had not killed her, perhaps he would have served jail time. But what happens when abusive stalkers are set free? Would the abused still have to look over their shoulders? Would the abuser’s anger intensify because they were incarcerated?

Dr. Ward also said this about Patrick:

“He’s really trying to stop it. Patrick is obviously torturing Peggy, but he too is being tortured. He’s being tortured by his own sick mind. He’s just really trying to stop it one way or another. Whether he hurts himself or he hurts her, he just wants it to end.”

Patrick ended both their lives.

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RED FLAG

Patrick rushed Peggy into a relationship, and they moved in together shortly after. She was in a state far from family and friends, and she did not have a support system. Once Patrick had her where he wanted her, he started with the emotional and verbal abuse. He began to tear Peggy down in order to establish power and control – and to feel good about himself. Patrick most likely suffered from self-esteem issues according to Dr. Ward, and he built himself up through the abuse. Leaving him was not an option. Patrick exhibited the cruel and evil mentality of abusers that kill:

“If I can’t have her, no one else will.”

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When abusers stalk their prey, it is with the intent to do harm. Tell someone; involve others that can look out for you. Document, document, document – even though this may not have helped others, it may help you. Don’t keep abuse a secret, it may cost you your life. Take your time getting to know a potential mate. Beware of men who come across as the most charming, helpful, thoughtful, sweetest man you ever met – test the spirits.

Peggy was killed six days before Patrick was to stand trial for felony stalking. Her documentation gave the authorities the ammunition they needed to bring charges.

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Every domestic violence case should be looked at as a potential stalking case.
When dating Peggy Klinke, Patrick Kennedy had shown the kind of aggressive, controlling behavior that is typical of stalkers. Years of study show that there are common signs before a violent attack, a hostage situation, a murder. And stalking is at the top of that list of signs.”

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Psalm 35:1

“Of David. Contend, LORD, with those who contend with me; fight against those who fight against me.”

Romans 8:35
“Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?”

Romans 2:9

“There will be trouble and distress for every human being who does evil: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile;”

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Proverbs 6:12-15

“A troublemaker and a villain, who goes about with a corrupt mouth,

who winks maliciously with his eye, signals with his feet

and motions with his fingers, who plots evil with deceit in his heart—

he always stirs up conflict. Therefore disaster will overtake him in an instant;

he will suddenly be destroyed—without remedy.”

NSAM………………………………………..

Proverbs 6:16-19

There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him:

haughty eyes,

a lying tongue,

hands that shed innocent blood,

a heart that devises wicked schemes,

feet that are quick to rush into evil,

a false witness who pours out lies

and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.

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How to Protect Yourself From A Stalker

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Female Stalkers, Part 1: What is Stalking and Can Men Be Stalked by Women?

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Computers and Cellphones are Another Way Many Abusers Stalk Their Victims, Experts Say

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Are You Being Stalked? 19 Ways to Protect Yourself From a Stalker

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How to prevent or defend against online stalking

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Stalking Goes High Tech (and How to Protect Yourself)

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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND COHABITATION

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Prayer-Request2Please click on picture to submit a prayer request.

http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org. – 2013
All rights reserved.

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4 Comments

Posted by on June 12, 2013 in LEAVING ABUSE

 

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WILL GOD PUNISH MY ABUSER?

By Terry Loving

Psalm 55:19 “God, who is enthroned forever, will hear them and afflict them–Selah men who never change their ways and have no fear of God.”

One of my readers submitted a comment via my website, and graciously allowed me to post a public response. I am grateful. Thank you!

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Comment: I have been wondering far too often now if God will punish my abuser? I know it doesn’t make the past go away nor does it take away the pain yet I need some small comfort to know that he will be punished for hurting me, my kid and his child. Yet as I am suffering he is living a happy life. How is that right or fair and why is God not helping me and punishing him? I would like a reply please, thank you and God Bless.”

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It is not uncommon to wonder if God will exercise Divine retribution on our behalf. When we are wronged, in the case of domestic violence and abuse for instance – it is only natural to desire revenge, even if it only comes from God Himself. We may not have the physical capacity to inflict pain upon those who abused us, but we often imagine someone else doing the job for us. And in numerous cases, the abused have male family members and friends that make sure the abuser is punished the same way he hurt their loved one.

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Somehow we imagine that the suffering of former abusers will satisfy our souls. Seeing them with new loves and seemingly living happy lives infuriate us to the core – we think it unfair! Our thoughts continually are on the abusers, and awaiting the news that some tragedy has befallen them for the horrible things they did to us. Many abused persons keep in touch with friends and family of the abusers when the relationship ends. They may treasure those connections, however, they serve as a source of information – perhaps you were told the abuser fell down the stairs and broke his neck – “good!”

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Speaking from personal experience, when my ex verbal abuser was stricken with cancer, I felt sorry for him. We had no contact for quite a while, and I certainly had no desire to rekindle any type of friendship. I was with a mutual friend when our paths crossed one day. As I moved on I learned to stop hating him, and focused on my kids and our future. When I saw him in person that day, it was plain to see how cancer was eating him alive. Funny though, I felt no need to rejoice, but hoped that he had repented for all the wrong that he had done. I wish hell on no one – it is forever.

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While it is natural to feel anger for the abuse, we must not wallow too long on the negative. For our own sakes, both in the natural and the spiritual, we should acknowledge how we feel, get help if needed, and ask God to help us to heal and move on. Never should we seek revenge or try our hand at revenge for vengeance belongs to God alone:

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord.”

New Living Translation (©2007)
“Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the LORD.”

Deuteronomy 32:35  ”It is mine to avenge; I will repay. In due time their foot will slip; their day of disaster is near and their doom rushes upon them.”

Proverbs 20:22 “Do not say, “I’ll pay you back for this wrong!” Wait for the LORD, and he will deliver you.”

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There are many more scriptures that speak to Gods’ wrath and vengeance – we must heed them for our own good. But know this, even when we think those thoughts in our hearts, we are displeasing to God. When God pays back, there is no jail time, no punishment from the law or getting sued. He knows what can happen to us, and that is why His vengeance is best – who can refute it?

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When we assume that our abusers are living better lives, and are happy while we are miserable, this may not be the case at all. Of course they are going to put on a front for you. They are too proud to admit to making a mistake. That is why abusers come back many times. They cheat on you while beating you, but find that the other woman isn’t half the woman you are and they want to come back. Unfortunately, the abuse returns along with them.

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It-Takes-A-VillageClick here to see more embroidered patches

It is natural also to want abusers to suffer, especially if you are suffering – financially and in every way imaginable. It isn’t unheard of that an abused woman flees from her home and stays in a shelter while the abuser remains comfortably in the house they once shared. I would be angry as well. How could that be “fair,” for the woman and her child or children to be homeless and the abuser’s comfort zone has not changed – it happens.

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When all we experience is anger and bitterness, we cannot see God and His Divine hand leading us. We can be so full of anger that He says “Go left,” and we go right. When we are consumed with God punishing the abuser for his evil, our minds are clouded, and we are not listening to the prompting of the Holy Spirit. We are on the mental frequency of hell, allowing Satan to fill our hearts and minds with thoughts of revenge. Therefore, we miss opportunities to move forward, and make better lives for ourselves and our children. It may be difficult, but staying in abuse in much worst. Millions of abused women have found new lives and new love by the Grace of God. But how can He work miracles in our lives when our hearts are stony and we keep looking back when He bids us to seek Him and look forward.

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Rest assured that all abusers will pay for their wrong in some way. But also know that all human beings will stand before a Righteous Judge someday and give an account for the things that we have done on earth:

Matthew 12:36 “But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken.”

Ecclesiastes 12:14 “For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil.”

Jeremiah 16:17 “My eyes are on all their ways; they are not hidden from me, nor is their sin concealed from my eyes.”

Matthew 12:37 “For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.”

Romans 14:12 “So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God.”

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We must not consume ourselves with anger and resentment, and learn to focus on Jesus Christ. He is our Hope in this dark world, and without Him, we can do nothing. God is a God of justice – He will set things right with the world in His own time:

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD.”

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“Comment: I have been wondering far too often now if God will punish my abuser?”

Please leave this matter in the hands of God, and learn to trust Him. God is not a respecter of persons. He hates the sin, but he still loves the sinner. The sun shines on the just and the unjust alike:

King James 2000 Bible (©2003)
“That you may be the children of your Father who is in heaven: for he makes his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.”

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“Comment: I know it doesn’t make the past go away nor does it take away the pain yet I need some small comfort to know that he will be punished for hurting me, my kid and his child.”

Rest assured that in some way, your abuser will pay for what he has done, especially to the children. Your “comfort” should rest in knowing and trusting God. Let go of these thoughts so that you can hear His voice to help guide and direct your life. It is more important to know that you and your children are safe, and on the road to healing. Life will be a challenge for a while, but you will miss your miracle by clouding your mind with these thoughts. Let them go please. Surrender them to the Righteous Judge:

American King James Version
“God judges the righteous, and God is angry with the wicked every day.”

Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

You may not see or experience this now, but you will – just keep trusting, serving and loving God with all of your might.

1 Thessalonians 5:24 “The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.”

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“Comment: Yet as I am suffering he is living a happy life.”

You really do not know if “he is living a happy life.” You will only see what he wants you to see. And his new love, well, it is just a matter of time before she will experience what you have. Don’t be fooled by what you think you see. Focus on your own life, and rejoice that you are free. Work on freeing your mind, and you will experience life as you have never before. It does get better, and it is always “darkest before dawn.”

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“Comment: How is that right or fair and why is God not helping me and punishing him?”

Unfortunately, nothing in this life is “right” or “fair.” Life has uneven ways that boggles the mind, and often crushes the spirit. However, with Christ “all things are possible.” Do you believe? We have to desire the things that God desires in order to have true peace in this world.

New International Version (©1984)
“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

New Living Translation (©2007)
“Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.”

International Standard Version (©2008)
“Throw all your worry on him, because he cares for you.”

GOD’S WORD® Translation (©1995)
“Turn all your anxiety over to God because he cares for you.”

Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Matthew 6:31 “So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?”

Matthew 6:27 “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?”

Matthew 6:28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.”

Matthew 6:25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?”

Psalm 55:22 “Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.”

Proverbs 16:3 “Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.”

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Forgiveness is on my list of topics to write about soon. For now, know that forgiveness is more for your sake, and not the offender. Also, forgiveness does not mean that you have to interact with those who have hurt you. It releases the shackles on your soul so that you can move forward – you can forgive through prayer. You can learn to love from a distance. But I will get back to this topic. In the meantime, I sincerely hope this helps.

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.”

A WORD OF CAUTION:

Do not rejoice when your enemy falls,
And do not let your heart be glad when he stumbles;

Or the LORD will see it and be displeased,
And turn His anger away from him.

Proverbs 24:17,18

Peace

No amount of love will ever stop the abuse.

“The punishment of the wicked is often delayed to a future world, and in this life they have almost uninterrupted prosperity, but in the end it will be certain. See Psalm 73:1-19. The punishment will come in the end. It cannot be evaded. Sooner or later justice requires that the wicked should be visited with the expressions of divine displeasure on account of sin, and in the future world there will be ample time for the infliction of all the punishment which they deserve”.  Barnes’ Notes on the Bible

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“FORGIVE AND FORGET” – IS IT POSSIBLE?

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Why Men Abuse Women

“Tony says it felt like he “blacked out” during the abuse. “You don’t understand what’s going on,” he says. “I completely own up to [what I did], but in that rage, it’s like your brain wires, they aren’t clicking.”

“He says being in an abusive relationship is like being in a drug addiction. “It becomes like your bond in the sense that the woman is like cocaine inside of that relationship. That’s the only connection you have, because there’s no real love,” he says. “In order to overcome it, it’s almost like you have to separate, go to rehab, move out of the dope house and never come back.”

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Praying for God’s Justice – by Jeff Crippen

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When People Hurt You How to Respond When People Hurt You

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ABUSERS – GOD IS NOT LISTENING TO YOU!

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The Abuser’s Evil Demands for Forgiveness – by Jeff Crippen and Anna Wood

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12 Hours of Terror: Conn. Woman Held Hostage by Arsonist Ex

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

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The End of the Wicked Contrasted with That of the Righteous.

A Psalm of Asaph.

Surely God is good to Israel,
            To those who are pure in heart!

      But as for me, my feet came close to stumbling,
            My steps had almost slipped.

      For I was envious of the arrogant
            As I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

      For there are no pains in their death,
            And their body is fat.

      They are not in trouble as other men,
            Nor are they plagued like mankind.

      Therefore pride is their necklace;
            The garment of violence covers them.

      Their eye bulges from fatness;
            The imaginations of their heart run riot.

      They mock and wickedly speak of oppression;
            They speak from on high.

      They have set their mouth against the heavens,
            And their tongue parades through the earth.

      Therefore his people return to this place,
            And waters of abundance are drunk by them.

      They say, “How does God know?
            And is there knowledge with the Most High?”

      Behold, these are the wicked;
            And always at ease, they have increased in wealth.

      Surely in vain I have kept my heart pure
            And washed my hands in innocence;

      For I have been stricken all day long
            And chastened every morning.

      If I had said, “I will speak thus,”
            Behold, I would have betrayed the generation of Your children.

      When I pondered to understand this,
            It was troublesome in my sight

      Until I came into the sanctuary of God;
            Then I perceived their end.

      Surely You set them in slippery places;
            You cast them down to destruction.

      How they are destroyed in a moment!
            They are utterly swept away by sudden terrors!

      Like a dream when one awakes,
            O Lord, when aroused, You will despise their form.

      When my heart was embittered
            And I was pierced within,

      Then I was senseless and ignorant;
            I was like a beast before You.

      Nevertheless I am continually with You;
            You have taken hold of my right hand.

      With Your counsel You will guide me,
            And afterward receive me to glory.

      Whom have I in heaven but You?
            And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.

      My flesh and my heart may fail,
            But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

      For, behold, those who are far from You will perish;
            You have destroyed all those who are unfaithful to You.

      But as for me, the nearness of God is my good;
            I have made the Lord GOD my refuge,
            That I may tell of all Your works.

 PSALM 73

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009-2013
All rights reserved.

 

 
11 Comments

Posted by on January 25, 2012 in LEAVING ABUSE

 

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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND COHABITATION

By Terry Loving

“Women in cohabiting relationships are more likely than wives to be abused. In one study, marital status was the strongest predictor of abuse-ahead of race, age, education or housing conditions.” 1

“Recent studies from Canada, Great Britain, and here in the United States all point to the same conclusion. Young women who live in a cohabiting relationship with a male put themselves and their children at significant risk of violence and abuse.”

“Cohabitation is risky- especially to young women and children.  If a man isn’t husband material or if he refuses to marry, it may not be a good idea to live with him either.” 2

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“The Family Violence Research Program at the University of New Hampshire, the nation’s leading institution studying domestic violence, finds that, “cohabiters are much more violent than marrieds.” Specifically, the overall rate of violence for cohabiting couples is twice as high as for married couples and the overall rate for “severe” violence is nearly five times as high.” 3

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OK, let me just get this out of the way before I continue with this post. This post is not about lecturing those who choose to cohabitate. The information presented, Biblically and otherwise is simply food for thought. We have to answer to God someday for our deeds, and I am not God. So please, just consider the facts, and make wise decisions – especially for your children. How you use your “free will” is between you and your Maker.

Some researchers believe that “cohabitation is an incomplete institution.” Meaning, the relationships are not “governed” by the same laws, and are subject to different “social norms.” It is also noted that “married couples are more likely to resolve their problems, or at least arrive at acceptable compromises…” Cohabitors do not have the same family networks that married couples have, and lack positive relational influence.  In addition, cohabiters tend to live in isolation, which fosters abuse – for the abused are often moved away from family support.

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It is also noted that depression, alcoholism, drug abuse and cheating are issues that exasperate these types of relationships – and are present in marriages – but the percentages are not as high. Cohabitors also experience a higher rate of unemployment, or unstable job histories which often contributes to frustrations that turn into heated arguments. “Bad relationships” are tolerated among those who live together, for there are no legal bindings, and the relationship is “at will.” Meaning, the revolving door is always there, allowing the relationship to be dissolved at the whim of the partner who is dissatisfied.

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Now let’s get down to the street level. Things have really changed within our society as far as relationships go. More and more young women – and some older – are coupling with males that have no ambition, no job, no morals, no sense, no godliness, no respect – and no intention of leaving a good thing – unless of course, he finds a better opportunity elsewhere. Women who move males into their homes in the presence of their children are asking for trouble. One noted and disturbing trend is, women are literally taking care of males – notice I didn’t say “men.” A real man would not live off of a single mother, and take advantage of her in every way.

MEN SUFFER COHABITATION ABUSE AS WELL

MEN SUFFER COHABITATION ABUSE AS WELL

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When good parents intervene on behalf of the innocent children, they are labeled as “trouble makers” and accused of trying to tell their child what to do – especially if their child is female – and lack strong self-esteem. Women are lowering their standards to have a man by “any means necessary.” How can any male call himself a “man” when he sits around his girlfriend’s home, eats her food, suck up her air and heat, and take away from her children? While she is working a full-time job, he is home sleeping, watching TV, playing video games, entertaining his friends, getting drunk or high, and possibly cheating. She comes in from a hard day’s work, and she cooks, cleans and waits on him – UUUUGGGHHHH!

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Many of these lazy bums claim they are “trying to find employment,” when in reality they continually sell their snow job, and the girlfriend buys the lies and deception. She pays the way, he benefits without a ring, marriage license, financial support, commitment or respect for himself or his girlfriend. Often times, violence and abuse keep the rocky romance going for years. When the abusers get tired of looking at the worn out, beat down faces that they scar – they move on to new territory – sometimes.

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And what gets me most of all is this – some females get indignant if you express an opinion concerning her situation – and she calls that “judging.” One such female was told by her friend that she “needed to take her boyfriend home – get him out of her face – because he was drunk.” The girlfriend of the drunk became defensive and ultimately ended her relationship with a very good friend – who by the way was there for her when she was in need. She is still with the alcoholic.

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Many such relationships not only end badly, but not before much damage is done.  The cohabitants do not have the same stake in relationships as married couples do. Married men walk out the door, but single men do so at an alarming rate. They decided not to buy the cow – but got the milk for free – and decided that they wanted strawberry milk instead of chocolate. Those who run didn’t like the taste of marriage, and those who are commitment phobic tend to flee.

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Living together in sin is going against the grain of God’s Will – no wonder the majority of cohabitation fail. After the newness wears off, the gloves come off – and the reality of each other sets in and the dating euphoria is no more. There is no real commitment to be true to one another, and both women and men often cheat while living together. And please tell me why many women tend to allow a loser in their home to rule over them and their children? What is so broken in women that we can respect a man that is not marriage material, and yet, we cling to hope? Why are we dubbed the “fixer uppers?”

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A BIBLICAL VIEW OF COHABITATION

OUR FREE-WILL AND GOD’S WILL TENDS TO CLASH

American King James Version
Flee fornication. Every sin that a man does is without the body; but he that commits fornication sins against his own body.

Hebrews 13:4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

1 Thessalonians 4:3 It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality;

2 Corinthians 12:21 I am afraid that when I come again my God will humble me before you, and I will be grieved over many who have sinned earlier and have not repented of the impurity, sexual sin and debauchery in which they have indulged.

Galatians 5:19 The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery;

Colossians 3:5 Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.

As the saying goes, “God doesn’t bless a mess.”

IN CONCLUSION

… “Canadian and U.S. studies both found that women in cohabiting relationships are about nine times more likely to be killed by their live in partner than are women who are married to their partners. You can’t hide a homicide.”

“As one scholar concludes, “regardless of methodology…cohabitors engage in more violence than spouses.”

Isn’t this enough reason to rethink cohabitation?

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1http://www.civitas.org.uk/hwu/cohabitation.php

2Living Together Risky for Young Women and Children
Roger Sider, M.D.

http://www.divorcereform.org/mel/adomesticviolence.html

3 http://www.citizenlink.com/2010/06/14/how-healthy-are-cohabiting-relationships/

WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?

(click link for more)

“Have you ever asked your son if he were molested? Has your daughter ever been made to sit on “daddy’s” lap and play the tickle game? Does your child cut up in school, act out for no visible reasons? Do you listen to your children when they tell you they are mistreated? Most of all, would you believe your daughter if she told you your boyfriend touched her in her “special place?”

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The Connection Between Batterers and Child Sexual Abuse Perpetrators
By Lundy Bancroft

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Child Abuse and Family Structure

“As one study found, “the risk of abuse and neglect is likely to be exacerbated where substitute individuals fill the roles of biological parents.” A study by two Canadian professors of psychology found that when all the variables of class and maternal age are accounted for, “preschoolers in stepparent-natural parent homes . . . are estimated to be 40 times as likely to become abuse statistics as like-aged children living with two natural parents.”

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WHY NOT TAKE HER FOR A TEST DRIVE ?

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WHY ARE COHABITING RELATIONSHIPS MORE VIOLENT THAN MARRIAGES?*

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Cohabitation has Big Downside, Study Finds

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Unmarried? Living together? You’re breaking the law in Florida

“Cohabitation” of unmarried people is currently a second-degree misdemeanor, punishable by $500 or up to 60 days in jail. The same penalty applies to cheating husbands and wives — though only to opposite-sex couples.

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OHIO LEGAL SERVICES

Domestic Violence : Definitions of Protection Orders and Legal Terms

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Ex-boyfriend charged with murdering woman, 2 kids

“WEST PALM BEACH, Florida (AP) — A man was charged Thursday with murdering his ex-girlfriend and her two children, who were found stuffed in luggage in a South Florida canal, months after police first called him their lone suspect in the case.”


“Beauchamp lived with Brown and her children before her death.”

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Additional links:

http://www.christianmessenger.in/%E2%80%98domestic-violence-higher-among-cohabiting-couples%E2%80%99/

http://www.northwestern.edu/ipr/jcpr/workingpapers/wpfiles/kenney_mclanahan.pdf

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The Danger Assessment

The Danger Assessment helps to determine the level of danger an abused woman has of being killed by her intimate partner. It is free and available to the public. Using the Danger Assessment requires the weighted scoring and interpretation that is provided after completing the training. The Danger Assessment is available in a variety of languages.

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

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No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on June 17, 2011 in COHABITATION AND ABUSE, Home

 

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DO YOU REALLY MISS HIM?

By Terry Loving

He almost killed you, and yet – you miss him. Your mind says, “RUN!” But your emotions are very much connected to your abuser, and you waver between leaving him alone, or taking him back. He apologizes, cries, and begs for another chance. The mirror doesn’t lie – you are scarred and bruised, but you miss him so much that you are willing to forgive and take him back.

WHY??????

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Once you have sex with someone, a strong spiritual, physical, and emotional bond is born. There is an attachment that is hard to break, and separation leaves a void within your soul. Sex created a bond that God intended to be shared within marriage. God created sex, and it was given not only for procreation, but to seal the bond of marriage – till death do you part. When you have sex with someone, you give a part of your soul to another. The best analogy of closeness I can give is that of mother and child. Mother and child bond during pregnancy for a lifetime. Even if parents mistreat or neglect their children, that bond will always be there.

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When women express that they miss their abusers, not only do they miss the intimacy, they miss the “thought” of that person – and what they could be if they were not abusive. Meaning, what you really miss is what you imagine in your mind how you would like things to be. Think about it, do you really miss the punches, slaps, kicks, chocking, verbal abuse, and whatever else your abuser dishes out? Unless you are a masochist, I would think not.

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When you are in love with love itself, it is difficult to separate fact from fiction. Women were created with nurturing emotions so that we would love and care for our offspring. Somewhere along the way, many women have lost that inner nurturing, and exhibit coldness towards their children. God made women to be the nurturers in the home. We are the central glue that holds things together. So it is no surprise that we try to make peace when we are abused.

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Many women will speak of their abusers as “having a heart” underneath their tirades and violence. We are forever looking for the good, while trying to ignore the bad behaviors. We want to believe so badly that an abuser can change, that we give them second, third, fourth and perhaps fifth chances before we run out the door – if we make it out alive.

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We also have a tendency to live in the past within our minds. If the abuser was nice at first, that is what our minds hold onto, and our hearts long to go back to when things weren’t so bad. But that rarely happens. Once the lion is out of the cage, he seeks to devour.

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So I ask again, “Do you really miss him?” Or, are you holding onto that tainted fairy tale in the back of your mind? Lonely women in particular will allow their emotions to focus on their loneliness, and conclude that they cannot live without a man – their abusers in particular. When compromise is set in motion, loneliness, and not the pure and simple facts – he makes your life a miserable hell – you are suckered into taking him back. Abusers rarely change. No matter how much he cries fake tears, pleads your return, and promises not to hit you again, it is all in vain.

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You cannot love away abuse. You cannot do enough to make him stop mistreating you. Some people are evil and that is a fact. And please understand that witnessing violence, or being abused as a child is no excuse for domestic violence and abuse. Violence is a choice. Just because my parents were alcoholics doesn’t mean I have to follow in their footsteps. And I did not.

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The next time you find yourself missing your abuser, after you have escaped with your life – and possibly the lives of your children – be honest with yourself. Take out a sheet of paper and write down what you miss about your abuser, and be honest enough to admit the truth. The things that you write down, ask yourself if you could really have them again. Ask yourself if your abuser has truly repented, sought help, gave his life to God – and is now living a changed life – without you. If he cannot live a repented, changed life without you – claiming that your coming back to him will be the catalyst for change – RUN FAR AND FAST!

Abuse rarely stops.

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“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

John 8:32

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SEX MAKES YOU STUPID

YOU MISS HIM BECAUSE YOU LOVE HIM –

BUT HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU!

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RT 365 DAYS OF LOVE: DAY 284 ~ THE 5 PILLARS OF MANHOOD (HOW MEN SHOULD LOVE & RESPECT WOMEN) by Jaeson Ma

“Women don’t want nice guys or good boys, women want men on a mission, men on adventure, men who are dangerous. This is why many women are drawn to bad boys because bad boys live with a sense of risk, danger, mystery and unknown. Men were created to live fearless and to live by faith. But if you walk into a church today what you find are a bunch of boys playing with their toys, working at predictable jobs, and living boring lives. It’s sad, but most guys get their sense of adventure from playing video games or watching TV, what happened to our men?”

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Antonio – “I had erased her personality.”

Winner of seven Goya Awards, including Best Picture, Director, Lead Actor and Actress, Iciar Bollain’s raw drama exposes the hard truths about domestic abuse. With her son in tow, battered wife Pilar (Laia Marull) finally flees her violent husband, Antonio (Luis Tosar), taking asylum at her sister Ana’s (Candela Peña) home. Free from the clutches of her abusive husband, Pilar struggles to start a new life; problem is, she still loves Antonio.

Cast: Laia Marull, Luis Tosar
Director: Icíar Bollaín
Genre:  Foreign
Format:  DVD and streaming

http://www.netflix.com/Movie/Take-My-Eyes/70027136

YOU CAN READ MORE REVIEWS ON AMAZON

“Some people reading the title to this movie may mistakenly think this is a macabre and grotesque tale of spousal abuse. It is not. Rather, it shows exceptionally and sympathetically the struggles and loves of different types of people involved in these types of abuses. There are scenes where, even though we despise Antonio’s abuse of Pilar, we still understand her love for him. Any movie that can emotionally convey something that complex and real is worth studying carefully.”

“Even though I don’t usually like sub-titles – this one is worth it! I showed it at my Batterer’s Intervention Group for Men and they gave it a thumb up too!”

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NOTE: I watched this movie last night, 06/25/11, and it is still with me. This is one of the best honest and raw portrayals of domestic abuse that I have ever seen. What I like most about this movie is that fact that it includes a counseling program where you witness the other side of the abuse – the mind of the batterer. No Amazon or Netflix links here, just recommending a movie that will help with understanding the dynamics of domestic violence. And it is definitely RAW!

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

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Help! I Still Love My Abuser!

“Why do I continue to feel love for this person that abused me?  I DON’T miss the abuse, but I do miss the good times we had… I still cry sometimes because I miss what I thought we had.  Is this normal?”

Loss of a Relationship

“When you give up a partner, you give up a lifestyle as well. You give up shared friends, shared activities, as well give up the comfort of being half of a couple. You knew there was someone around; maybe you saw each other or chatted daily. You knew you would have something to do or someone to be with on Saturday night. Even if you stayed home alone on Saturday night, you knew someone was there. You had a partner. Your life changes when you break up with your partner. All of this takes some getting used to. It takes time to regroup and rebuild.”

(click on above link to read more)

How to Finally Stop Obsessing Over Your Ex

I am not a fan of COSMO – however, the tips make sense.

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HE HAS A NEW LOVE AND IT HURTS!

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“He beats me up… but I always forgive him”

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“My boyfriend tried to beat me should I forgive him?”

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“my husband beat me”

NOTE: Leaving abuse is never easy. You will carry your feelings with you – and the love that is hiding beneath the mistreatment. You may think it is gone, but there may come a time you will reflect on the good in the relationship, and you will begin to miss your abuser. Don’t be fooled by your feelings. Just because you feel love for your abuser, it doesn’t mean they feel the same. Your feelings can drive you back to the abuse, but nothing will change – it will only get worst, especially when you leave and go back.

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Domestic Violence Against Women: How to Spot Abusive Men when Dating

Is Your Date an Abuser? Learn the Signs Before It’s Too Late

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ABUSE SUPPORT

“Why do we stay or come back to our abuser? I want to ask us that question…..  Here is some reason I think We Stayed.. We stay cause we are told where are you going you have nowhere to go, or who wants you.. how you going to pay bills you can’t make it on your own…  We are scare that if we do leave that they would hurt us so we fear for our lives or our kids lives…. They tell us it our fault that they abuse us we ask for it if we didn’t make them mad, or whatever reason they give us…We come back cause they always say “I’m sorry” I didn’t mean to do it or say but baby you know you made me mad and I’m sorry and it will never happen again…We don’t think or want to believe the very one we love is hurting us.

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Connie Defends Husband’s Behavior… After He Shot Her

                            

 

SLEEPING WITH A KNIFE UNDER THE BED

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US woman becomes hero for battered wives in China

…”she has changed the locks on her apartment. Last week, her husband sent her an angry text message: “In America you should be killed by your husband with gun. This is real American way. You’re so lucky to be in China!”

Later, he wrote, more succinctly, “Kill you!”

Yet when asked if she still loves him, she says she is not sure.

“I hate what he has done to me and our family … but I cannot say that I hate him,” she says. “Maybe the better question is not do you love him, but does love mean accepting and forgiving someone’s violence?

“For me, it does not.”

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Why Men Abuse Women

“Tony says it felt like he “blacked out” during the abuse. “You don’t understand what’s going on,” he says. “I completely own up to [what I did], but in that rage, it’s like your brain wires, they aren’t clicking.”

“He says being in an abusive relationship is like being in a drug addiction. “It becomes like your bond in the sense that the woman is like cocaine inside of that relationship. That’s the only connection you have, because there’s no real love,” he says. “In order to overcome it, it’s almost like you have to separate, go to rehab, move out of the dope house and never come back.”

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.

Protected by Copyscape Web Plagiarism Detector

 
21 Comments

Posted by on May 25, 2011 in LEAVING ABUSE

 

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DOMESTIC ABUSE – AN AMAZING STORY OF SURVIVAL

Book Review

From the moment I started reading this book, I could not put it down. I read it entirely, cover to cover in one sitting. When I finished, all I could say was, “Wow!” It captured my senses as though I was living that nightmare with Ivette. I felt every pain, hit, punch, kick, frustration, and incidence of betrayal – especially from her mother.  I cried when her little one died, and hurt for her daughter Victoria as though I was witnessing my own mother’s abuse through her eyes. God is truly with Ivette, and saved her for “such a time as this” – to speak out against domestic violence and abuse.

If you are raising a teenage daughter – or son – counseling teens about abuse, or a teen hiding the abuse from your family and friends, this book is for you. Ivette’s true story is powerful, engaging, and needful for those who do not truly understand the dynamics of domestic violence – it is often complicated. After reading this book, never again will you ask, “Why doesn’t she leave?”

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Ivette Attaud, a Harlem, New York native and former Fort Bragg army wife, has been a survivor of domestic violence and abuse for over twenty years. Having survived an abusive dating relationship and marriage to a Staff Sergeant in the Army, she managed to break the chains of her abuser. After years of extreme violence, abuse, a suicide attempt, a violent physical assault while pregnant with twins that resulted in the death of one of her daughters and a broken shoulder, Ivette left with her two surviving daughters and returned to New York.

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 It is rare that I will read a book in one day. I read Ivette’s book in a matter of hours. Even when I stopped to fix dinner, I had to bring it to the dinner table and read more of her life’s journey of violence and abuse. Not often will a book, besides the Bible – engage my mind so that I lose track of time. The experience was like watching a nail biting movie – I was rooting for the main character, Ivette – while wishing the antagonist, her husband, Victor – would fall off the face of the earth. Not that I wish bad things to happen to people – I just wanted him to go away and leave her alone – he made her life a miserable hell.

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 If I were raising a young teen today, male or female – especially female – we would read this book together and discuss it. It isn’t enough to educate your teenage daughters. This book will prove that parents need to reach their young sons as well before they start dating. Unfortunately, both Victor and Ivette had mothers who condoned his negative and abusive behavior, which led him to believe that he was right in his wrong-doing.

For those of you who are in abusive relationships, you will benefit from Ivette’s experience as well. Allow her pain to be the catalyst the will strengthen you to find a way out of your abusive relationship.

There is no catch to this review. I don’t have an affiliate link, nor shall I gain monetarily in any way by promoting MY LIFE, MY SOUL. It was powerful enough to touch my soul, and it is my hope, that you will allow this magnificent experience move you to help set the captive free.

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http://www.mylifemysoul.com/

Ivette Attaud Book Trailer

To download a free preview of the book:

TEEN DATING AND VIOLENCE

LOVE IS RESPECT

CHOOSE RESPECT!

WHAT IF YOUR TEEN IS EXPERIENCING DATING VIOLENCE?

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.

 
5 Comments

Posted by on May 24, 2011 in SURVIVING DOMESTIC ABUSE

 

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GOD HATES DIVORCE – And VIOLENCE! – Part 2

By Terry Loving

“Better a bit of dry bread in peace, than a house full of feasting and violent behaviour.”  Proverbs 17:1

MALACHAI 2:16

The most misused, misunderstood, and misquoted verse in the Bible concerning God’s hatred of divorce. God hates violence more than He hates divorce, for it kills and destroys those who were created in His image. Misuse of scripture turns the abused away from God – causing many to be eternally lost. I ask again, which is the greater sin?

For days this topic stirred within my soul. I knew there was a real truth out there somewhere, and today, PRAISE GOD – the Holy Spirit led me to it. Below are the links to a four part series titled:

“When Love Hurts: Understanding and Healing Domestic Abuse, When Abuse is Worse than Divorce”

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Listen to the stories of the abused. Hear bold and humbled ministers of God speak the truth about abuse and divorce. The misunderstood scripture, Malachi 2:16 will be explained and provide true Biblical clarity. Yes, marriage is precious in the sight of God. However, it is NOT His will that the abused honor Him by submitting to beat downs and mistreatment. Abusers refuse to submit to the Will of God, and sin as a result – “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church.” This is not a request. It is the Will of God.

OK, here are the links to the best resource I have found on this subject. Please be patient, as they are about 26-30 minutes long. It will be worth your time invested – I promise you!

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“When a bride takes her vows, she doesn’t expect violence to mark her marriage. But sadly, for some that is the case. It’s probable that you know someone who is the victim of verbal or physical abuse: a neighbor, a daughter, a sister, or a friend. This powerful 4-part series pulls back the curtain on the dark secret of abuse and offers hope and help to those caught in its painful cycle.”

When Love Hurts: Understanding and Healing Domestic Abuse, When Abuse is Worse than Divorce, Part I

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When Love Hurts: Understanding and Healing Domestic Abuse, When Submission is Misused, Part II

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When Love Hurts: Understanding and Healing Domestic Abuse, When Apologies are Dangerous, Part III

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When Love Hurts: Understanding and Healing Domestic Abuse, When the Church is Needed Most, Part IV

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“So when a daughter, sister, or friend tells a personal story of marital abuse, we need to be careful. Let’s believe them until we have reason not to. And if their plight is real, they don’t need to be told again about headship, submission, forgiveness, and the threat of losing church membership. They need to know that the God of Moses and Jesus cares not only about marital permanence, but also for those who are caught in abuse that is worse than protective separation and divorce.”

Father in heaven, forgive us for multiplying the pain of those who are living with abusively hard-hearted spouses. Please give us the wisdom we need to offer help and consolation to those who are grieving lost hopes and dreams. –Mart De Haan

http://www.rbc.org/bible-study/been-thinking-about/2007/10/01/column.aspx

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GOD HATES DIVORCE – And VIOLENCE! – Part 1

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NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE REGISTRY

“It’s time for all to date responsibly, know who you are  dating and what secrets lie in their past. We help you foster greater awareness of your dating choices! This Knowledge will Save Your Life!!!”

http://www.domesticviolencedatabase.org/default-db.asp

DATE RESPONSIBLY

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The Danger Assessment

The Danger Assessment helps to determine the level of danger an abused woman has of being killed by her intimate partner. It is free and available to the public. Using the Danger Assessment requires the weighted scoring and interpretation that is provided after completing the training. The Danger Assessment is available in a variety of languages.

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org


No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on March 30, 2011 in DOMESTIC VIOLENCE/DIVORCE

 

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GOD HATES DIVORCE – And VIOLENCE! – Part 1

By Terry Loving

“Better is a dry morsel and quietness therewith, than an house full of feasting with strife.” Proverbs 17:1

“Men will find that their wrong conduct in their families springs from selfishness, which disregards the welfare and happiness of others, when opposed to their own passions and fancies. It is wearisome to God to hear people justify themselves in wicked practices. Those who think God can be a friend to sin, affront him, and deceive themselves. The scoffers said, Where is the God of judgement? but the day of the Lord will come.” 1

“The LORD tests the righteous and the wicked, And the one who loves violence His soul hates.” (Psalm 11:5)

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Often times, it is the violence and abuse that leads to divorce. One commits violence, one may divorce because of it. God hates divorce – God hates violence – who committed the greater sin? Sin is sin – but who offends God the most in this situation?

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Ultimately, the abused must make a decision, stay or leave. Pastoral advice concerning domestic violence varies, however, abused women are often counseled to remain in the home – endure the abuse – submit more – learn to cook better – don’t set him off – and accept the abuse as the Will of God. This of course will never be proven in the Word of God – therefore, this teaching is the will of man. God will “test” the righteous, but never will he tempt us to sin. Violence is sin.

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Further, this erroneous spiritual advice sheds light on scriptural contractions – not on God’s part – but that of man. Jesus gave sight to the blind – healed the sick – raised the dead – defended the poor – strengthened the weak – and most of all – died on the cross for all while we were yet “sinners.” Christ could have informed a Samaritan woman that His race didn’t associate with her kind – in fact; the Jews intensely hated the Samaritans. He knew that she was a lost soul, and He had great concern for her immortal well-being. He asked her for a drink to commence the discourse, and set her free from her sins. Does this sound like a Savior who would sanction violence and abuse against women – more so, those who He desired to save?

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The Bible is often misquoted to suggest that God has given husbands free reign over their wives. Man often turns the beautiful, Divine institution of marriage into a prison whereby men are the cruel wardens – supposedly – blessed by God to rule with tyranny. In reality, this fallacy stems from human error, not Biblical mandates. Familial and societal mind conditioning also play a very important part in the misconception that women are inferior to men in the sight of God.

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Wives are joint heirs with their husbands – positioned in Christ – to receive the manifold blessings and spiritual inheritance promised by God. Listening to the wrong spiritual advice however, leaves one with the impression that God only cares about the well-being and “supremacy” of men – who He has given the right to treat their loved ones any way they see fit. This notion is straight from the pits of hell. Why would Jesus heal the wounded, then give men permission to use violence and abuse against their wives – who would eventually become the wounded? He didn’t.

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Yes, God established a spiritual hierarchy of leadership – God – Christ – man –woman and children. However, Christian men especially, tend to be ignorant of the spiritual umbrella of submission. Meaning, submission does not apply only to the wife. But that is a topic for another time. In the meantime if you desire, you can read my other post on “submission” here – http://spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org/id27.html.

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Back to the violence – God hates it! And the Bible has plenty to say concerning violent men. Even though I will refer to “men” in this post, the hatred of violence applies to violent women as well. God hates violence no matter who is dishing it out. However, the Bible speaks more of the violence of men, who are considered to be in the same class as the “ungodly.” Even if a man claims to be of Christ, his violent actions are that of lawlessness. One cannot claim to be a Christian and violent at the same time.

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“The LORD tests the righteous and the wicked, And the one who loves violence His soul hates.” (NASB)

“The LORD trieth the righteous: but the wicked and him that loveth violence his soul hateth.” (KJV)

How can God sanction violence against women, when the Word says His very “soul hateth him that loveth violence?” To the core of His being, God hates violence and those who are violent. Hot tempered men stir up dissensions, start fights, and love to quarrel. Proverbs 22:4 warns us to make no friendship, not to associate with, or show ourselves friendly with hot tempered men. This warning should be taken to heart when desiring a mate. I ignored my ex-husband’s hot temper before marriage, for it was always directed at others. It was just a matter of time before his verbal lava spewed in my direction.

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At this point, I realize the need to break up this subject into separate parts. Part Two will address more of the violence; MALACHAI 2:16; and wrestling with the decision to divorce an abuser.

GOD IS NOT A RESPECTER OF PERSONS

GOD HATES DIVORCE – And VIOLENCE! – Part 2

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

1http://bible.cc/malachi/2-16.htm

NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE REGISTRY

“It’s time for all to date responsibly, know who you are dating and what secrets lie in their past. We help you foster greater awareness of your dating choices! This Knowledge will Save Your Life!!!”

http://www.domesticviolencedatabase.org/default-db.asp

DATE RESPONSIBLY

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Posted by on March 28, 2011 in DOMESTIC VIOLENCE/DIVORCE

 

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