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DO ABUSERS HAVE A CONSCIENCE?

14 Apr

By Terry Loving

The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith. Timothy 1:5

A CRY FOR JUSTICE BOOK

“And herein do I exercise myself – And this very tenet is a pledge for my good behavior; for as I believe there will be a resurrection, both of the just and unjust, and that every man shall be judged for the deeds done in the body, so I exercise myself day and night, that I may have a conscience void of offense toward God and toward men.

Toward God – In entertaining no opinion contrary to his truth; and in offering no worship contrary to his dignity, purity, and excellence.

Toward men – In doing nothing to them that I would not, on a change of circumstances, they should do to me; and in withholding nothing by which I might comfort and serve them.” 1

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“Abusive people have dysfunctional or even non-functioning consciences. In contrast, their victims have very active consciences. And the abuser uses this to his advantage. He can, without any hesitation or remorse, insinuate a horrid charge against her, making her feel the pangs of her own conscience, and causing her to wonder if she really is guilty.” 2

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Most have heard the saying, “Let your conscience be your guide.” When making decisions in life, “normal” thinking people rely on their inner voice to decide what actions they should take. Depending upon the level of maturity, a person with high morals, integrity, ethics and the like will usually make decisions they can live with. In other words, the choices they make in life would be those that do not keep them awake at night torturing their minds with guilt. After making their final decision they are able to live with themselves knowing they made the right choice – no harm done.

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1 John 3:21
“Beloved, if our heart condemn us not, then have we confidence toward God.”

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The abuser’s decision-making process is much different. Their decisions are not based upon what is right, just, fair, moral, ethical, nor do they consider the feelings of others. Life is all about the abuser and their comfort and well-being. It is within the avenues of power and control as well as entitlement that the abuser establishes a domain of terror. He feels justified.

depression1

The word conscience is defined as:

[kon-shuhns] Show IPA

noun

1. the inner sense of what is right or wrong in one’s conduct or motives, impelling one toward right action: to follow the dictates of conscience.

2. the complex of ethical and moral principles that controls or inhibits the actions or thoughts of an individual.

3. an inhibiting sense of what is prudent: I’d eat another piece of pie but my conscience would bother me. 3

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Pastor Jeff Crippen beautifully explains in his book – A CRY FOR JUSTICE how we assume that abusers must be “weighed down” by their horrid actions toward others. Normally, non-abusive souls would agonize over wrongs committed towards others, and seek to make amends. Because we would feel bad inside, we naturally think that others would feel the same – not so with abusers. In fact, Jeff explains how abusers use our assumptions against us as they play the “victim.” The abuser’s deeds do not weigh heavy upon them, for they are functioning in what they perceive as a normal way of life. They are oblivious to the real pain they cause others because they do not care – life is all about the abuser – no one else – not even God.

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abused woman

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In the absence of a “healthy” conscience, abusers can beat the daylights out of their victims, and minutes later take the family out for an ice cream cone. His family, especially his spouse is his personal property to do with them as he sees fit. The beatings or verbal put downs in his mind are his God-given right to keep his family in line. After all, God made him the head, and all beneath him must submit or face dire consequences. Is there any remorse for the abuse? Never! Entitlement and false justification do not produce such emotions.

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Abusers lack empathy which is why they can bloody your face and throw you a towel in disgust – “Clean yourself up, you are a mess!” Your bloody wounds are only an issue when you no longer look “pretty.” After all, he is the only man that is allowed to look at you. They will never admit fault for your pain, because you – according to them – “Brought it on yourself!” Abusers are very capable of fake empathy, especially when the abused threatens to leave them. The false tears only serve to melt the heart of the abused, and the cycle of torture will repeat itself. This is how the crazy making stage begins.

obey fist

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Abusers who claim to be Christians pretend holiness, and yet – they have no conscience – not in the sense of what we define as “normal.” 1Timothy 4:2 speaks of “hypocrites” and “liars” that have a conscience that has been “seared with a hot iron.” Verses 1-5 gives us a clear picture of the spiritual apostasy that shall take place in these “latter days” – the Christian age. According to various views of Bible commentaries, a conscience “seared with a hot iron” can also be applied to the conscience of abusers, especially those who call themselves Christians.

woman hit man with shoe

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Can we not safely say that abusers in our places of worship have “departed from the faith?” The foundation of the “faith” that Jesus ministered is based on love. It is not possible that abusers are following Christ, but their own hypocritical self-imposed doctrine of hate. They are incapable of the agape love that we should have for one another. Agape love possesses compassion for the plight of others as well as; empathy; true love; it is selfless, sacrificial, unconditional love that abusers do not possess.

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“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” John 3:16

“He that loves not knows not God; for God is love.” 1 John 4:8

“A new commandment I give to you, That you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another.”  John 13:34-35

“Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.”  1 Corinthians 13:1-13

The consciences of abusers are senseless and unfeeling as flesh that has been cauterized. “The sensitiveness of their consciences is destroyed by the brand of the devil.”  People’s New Testament

domestic-abuse

“The metaphor is from the practice of branding slaves or criminals, the latter on the brow. These deceivers are not acting under delusion, but deliberately, and against their conscience. They wear the form of godliness, and contradict their profession by their crooked conduct (2 Timothy 3:5). The brand is not on their brow, but on their conscience. Comp.” Titus 1:15; Titus 3:11Vincent’s Word Studies

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“To the pure, all things are pure; but to those who are defiled and unbelieving, nothing is pure, but both their mind and their conscience are defiled.” (Titus 1:15)

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Jeff also notes a “degree of abuse” that ranges from “remarkably selfish” to “narcissistic,” “sociopaths” to “psychopaths.” When abusers reach the sociopath or psychopath levels, many people view the abusers as having no conscience at all. However, Pastor Crippen maintains that abusers do have a conscience, but they are “dysfunctional.” They possess not the normal means of inner conviction which keeps our passions for wrong in check.

When the searing of the conscience takes place, no one can say for sure. What we can know is the fact that abusers “speak lies in hypocrisy,” they are senseless, and unfeeling:

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 “Such a conscience exists in a mind that will practice delusion without concern; that will carry on a vast system of fraud without wincing; that will incarcerate, scourge, or burn the innocent without compassion; and that will practice gross enormities, and indulge in sensual gratifications under the mask of piety.”  Barnes’ Notes on the Bible

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the_sociopath_next_door_martha_stout_unabridged_mp3_compact_disc

The Sociopath Next Door

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I highly recommend A CRY FOR JUSTICE for many reasons. It opened my eyes to a darker side of abusers, and their cunning ways. This book took my understanding of abuse much deeper, and I could feel the essence of evil more acutely as I read each page. It is a must read for those who desire to counsel the abused, and for church leaders who need to educate themselves concerning this atrocity that is hidden within our houses of worship. In addition, I also recommend this book for self-study as well as group Bible study.

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The main reason I applaud this work is the fact that Pastor Crippen isn’t afraid to “call a spade a spade.” He says what needs to be said, and isn’t concerned as many other pastors are about stepping on toes. There is no arrogance in his preaching  and teaching against domestic abuse, for he understands that the Christian church is under spiritual attack, and the people of God have been silent and ignorant for too long. The last place on earth we should witness abuse is in our houses of worship, and our Christian homes.

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It is important to understand the many faces of abusers and how they deceive us. Jeff also covers topics such as, “Why the Church Covers Up Abuse,” “Dealing With Abusers,” “The Abuser’s Use of Shame and Fear” and much more. He also covers “The Devastating Effects of Abuse on Children.” Personally, I am one who is suffering, and will most likely continue to suffer those “devastating effects.” They are very real!

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Pastor Crippen and Anna Wood – THANK YOU!

http://cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com/

A Cry for Justice: How the Evil of Domestic Abuse Hides in Your Church

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Conscience (36 Occurrences)

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http://www.sociopathworld.com/

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Profile of the Sociopath

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Charmer/ Abusers and their ‘Prey’

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   An Interview with Martha Stout

How do you spot a sociopath?

“A sociopath has no conscience, no ability to feel shame, guilt or remorse. Since 1 in 25 ordinary Americans is a sociopath, you almost certainly know one or more than one already. How can you recognize him or her?”

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Potentially Abusive Personalities: Some Red Flags – by Dr. George Simon, Jr.

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 1 Clarke’s Commentary on the Bible

2 A CRY FOR JUSTICE – The Abuser’s Use of Shame and Fear – 89

 3 Chicago Manual Style (CMS):conscience. Dictionary.com. Dictionary.com Unabridged. Random House, Inc. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/conscience (accessed: April 14, 2013).

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009-2013
All rights reserved.

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15 Comments

Posted by on April 14, 2013 in Sociopaths And Psycopaths

 

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15 responses to “DO ABUSERS HAVE A CONSCIENCE?

  1. Jamela

    July 7, 2013 at 6:42 pm

    as an abuser, formerly abused, one who is suffering through a second separation to my husband due to my inability to change… and a believer… I do have a conscience. I also have an illness. I have heard the Holy Spirit, but in times of rage, did not give heed to Him. I have already gone through this separation once, and repented, and tried to change, but was too prideful to go to therapy or to listen when my husband told me to stop…
    however, I put away my shame, because my heart is true, though my mind is sometimes uncontrollable. I seek to do right, and have sometimes been successful, and hope for the proper help to be revealed to me (I found that just going back to church didn’t help all that much). I am pregnant with our first child, and often worried that I would be punished by the loss of this child because of my behavior, and worried that my behavior couldn’t change for the child’s sake…

    but I DO know the One True God, the Healer of the sick… and when suffering comes to me because of His Justice, I listen, and I must continue to listen, and to learn how to be helped.
    having been abused, I don’t understand myself, why, how I can do this… knowing Scripture, loving my husband, knowing what I know… I just don’t understand my mind’s switch, my short temper.

    for now, my husband will not speak to me, has cut off all ties with me, and has disappeared due to the understandable, but nonChristian persuasion of his family. the night before his disappearance, he was so loving, so helpful, so assuring, and nothing had been going wrong… so I, too am very hurt…
    the first time he did this, because he could no longer handle what I was doing to him, he didn’t speak to me, though I begged him to talk, to call… and the hurt that it caused me was too easily held on to. I needed to forgive him, too.

    I have a conscience.
    I have Faith.
    I have Love.
    it is the utilization of my Christ-redeemed heart and mind,
    the putting away of the old man,
    that I have not done. and so I am a repeat offender, desperate to change.
    I have Hope, and sometimes, the Peace of God has flowed deeply through me as I have repented and sought His Restoration once more.

    while in this separation, I no longer feel the need to beg my husband to return, but as I pray for his healing, I pray that this time will be the last time. I fall before God and cast myself on Him, accepting His Judgments, and claiming His Word.
    no one believes that I can be a good wife, except my husband knows, and God knows…
    we made this child in love, after all.

    Our first year anniversary is approaching, and still I have not, and probably will not hear from him for some time. I regret my actions, and my weakness, my anger, my false ideas… I want to love him more than anything, and I want to rid myself and my marriage of everything that leads to violence and hatred…. and though I have illness- diagnosis, and titles, I believe my God loves me. I believe my husband loves me… he told me just before walking out the door…

     
    • ssofdv

      July 7, 2013 at 8:59 pm

      Wow Jamela! Thank you for your honesty. This is the beginning of a long journey, but it can be a rewarding one if you allow it to be.

      I don’t want to give you a superficial response, therefore, I am going to pray for the wisdom to say something helpful to you. I won’t forget you, and I will be praying for you. Until the Holy Spirit gives me guidance, hold firm to God’s hands, now and always. I shall return.

      Terry

       
    • ssofdv

      July 9, 2013 at 3:11 pm

      “as an abuser, formerly abused,”

      I truly empathize with both issues that you are dealing with. On the one hand you have scars that need to be healed, and on the other hand – amends for those you have hurt with your anger. Whether we were abused as a child or an adult, we have no right to take our pain out on the innocent. Pain turns into anger if not dealt with in a way that we understand to be beneficial for ourselves and our loved ones. You have unresolved anger issues.

      “one who is suffering through a second separation to my husband due to my inability to change… ”

      I am very sorry to hear that another family structure is damaged. You recognize that you have an “inability to change,” this is a conscious statement. You are aware of your actions. You are also aware of the fact that there needs to be a change. So what are you doing to set the wheels in motion? Does your family mean enough to you to find the necessary help that you need?

      “and a believer… I do have a conscience. I also have an illness. I have heard the Holy Spirit, but in times of rage, did not give heed to Him. I have already gone through this separation once, and repented, and tried to change, but was too prideful to go to therapy or to listen when my husband told me to stop…”

      Your above statement speaks volumes. You say you have a conscience, so why would you not listen to the pain you are causing your husband? Why would you not drop your pride and go to therapy and save your marriage and learn to stop abusing your husband? As far as your illness goes, do you take medication – if not, why not? Did not the first separation break your heart? I don’t know what your illness is or how it affects your behavior – and I don’t want to know – that is your business. However, if there is medication that can control your impulses – should you not take it?

      You said that you “have heard the Holy Spirit, but in times of rage, did not give heed to Him.” Again, this is a conscious decision you have made. Saying that “you did not give heed” means that you chose to go with your emotions at the time. I am not stepping on your belief here, but if you are that in tune with the promptings of the Holy Spirit to correct your behavior, then you are choosing to have your own way. Lashing out in anger does something for you. Perhaps it makes you feel in control and powerful. Perhaps it is your way of shielding yourself, I don’t know – only you do.

      “however, I put away my shame, because my heart is true, though my mind is sometimes uncontrollable. I seek to do right, and have sometimes been successful, and hope for the proper help to be revealed to me (I found that just going back to church didn’t help all that much). I am pregnant with our first child, and often worried that I would be punished by the loss of this child because of my behavior, and worried that my behavior couldn’t change for the child’s sake…”

      When you were “successful” can you recall what made that happen? Are you actively seeking “proper help” for your pain and anger? It isn’t going to come knocking on your door. As far as “going back to church” if you are depending on superficial non-specific sermons to “cure” you, it won’t happen. Too many people think that just showing up on Sunday morning is a cure all for what ails them. God gave us mental health professionals, counselors, people who specialize in dealing with anger issues and the like. Most of all, He gave us His Word and a risen Savior and the gift of the Holy Spirit to guide us. If our hearts are stony, none of this matters.

      “I am pregnant with our first child, and often worried that I would be punished by the loss of this child because of my behavior, and worried that my behavior couldn’t change for the child’s sake…”

      Again, this is conscious thinking; therefore, you know what issues you are dealing with. Please find a counselor to help you. It sounds like you are able to afford it, as many are not. In your case, your pride stands in your way. It is difficult to empathize with someone who understands as much as you do about what you do. Perhaps you can find a Bible believing counselor to help you as well. But if you are going to keep your stone heart, nothing will help you. Unfortunately, God has a way of breaking down those spiritual barriers, but His ways are not always pleasant – but for our good in the end. The chastisement of the Lord can be painful for a true child of God. If your heart is true toward Him, He can help you – if not, He cannot, for He will not override your free will.

      Your conscious worry over the loss of your child is inviting pain that has not happened. Perhaps there is some guilt going on? Would that not be a good thing? Also, repentance is more than saying “I am sorry.” Repentance has to do with real change. If you have not changed, you have not truly repented.

      “but I DO know the One True God, the Healer of the sick… and when suffering comes to me because of His Justice, I listen, and I must continue to listen, and to learn how to be helped.
      having been abused, I don’t understand myself, why, how I can do this… knowing Scripture, loving my husband, knowing what I know… I just don’t understand my mind’s switch, my short temper.”

      Here is the heart of the matter. Your short temper stems from your anger. The abuse you suffered caused you pain and confusion. Over time, your pain turned into anger, resentment, and negative emotions that were never dealt with. If you were a child when the abuse happened, you were scarred for life – but you can be healed to the point of living a contented and productive life. Until you resolve your past issues, it sounds like you will not be able to move forward. I understand how you feel to a degree. It wasn’t until recent that God shined the light on my anger issues from the past. I am learning to be a more patient person now.

      And He will definitely allow challenges in your life to test you. I have a special needs grand-child; this to me is my biggest test of patience. I know He has changed me according to the way I respond to her negativity now. I had to learn to adjust, not her. She will still act out, but I am in control of my emotions and responses – which makes it easier to diffuse negative interactions. So, God is willing to help us, but we have to be submissive and humble and broken enough to let Him in.

      “but I DO know the One True God, the Healer of the sick…”

      Amen! That He is.

      “for now, my husband will not speak to me, has cut off all ties with me, and has disappeared due to the understandable, but nonChristian persuasion of his family. the night before his disappearance, he was so loving, so helpful, so assuring, and nothing had been going wrong… so I, too am very hurt…
      the first time he did this, because he could no longer handle what I was doing to him, he didn’t speak to me, though I begged him to talk, to call… and the hurt that it caused me was too easily held on to. I needed to forgive him, too.”

      I am sorry for your loss. A person can take but so much abuse. We were not made for mistreatment from other people, and it is understandable that he could not take anymore. Whether his family is “Christian” or not, abuse is abuse – and they did not want to see their loved one suffer. There are too many “Christians” who abuse, and there are many non-Christians who do not. It is who you are and your character that is the issue, not religion.

      “I have a conscience.”

      Then you are responsible for making a change.”

      “I have faith.”

      That is important.

      “I have Love.”

      Without it we are nothing.

      “it is the utilization of my Christ-redeemed heart and mind,the putting away of the old man,that I have not done. and so I am a repeat offender, desperate to change.
      I have Hope, and sometimes, the Peace of God has flowed deeply through me as I have repented and sought His Restoration once more.”

      If Christ is the core of our lives, not head knowledge of Him, but a true relationship – which is not rosy and will involve suffering – then we will have access to His life-changing Power. Change does not happen overnight, but in time we can be more like Him. The putting away of the old man is not a wishful thought, nor is it a snap of the fingers. It takes time, humility, brokenness, a willing heart, and empathy for other human beings.

      I commend you acknowledging that you are a “repeat offender.” You also stated that “the putting away of the old man, that I have not done.” We have to truly despise who we do not want to be. We have to literally hate the stains of our sins, and confess to God that we hate our sin filled lives and truly seek His change – His way. Sometimes we want a head change to relieve our guilt, but desire to continue to live as we so choose.

      Struggling with Sin
      Romans 7:13-25

      Was then that which is good made death unto me? God forbid. But sin, that it might appear sin, working death in me by that which is good; that sin by the commandment might become exceeding sinful.

      For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin. For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I. If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good. Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not. For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.

      I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me. For I delight in the law of God after the inward man: But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death? I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.

      Jamela, we all struggle with the flesh daily. Submitting ourselves fully under the Mighty Hand of God to direct and save our lives is the answer. Many people including Christians view Christianity – following Christ – as a restriction, a choke hold on our lives. In reality, living for Christ is the only true freedom in this life. We can be set free from the devil’s allurements, and the sins that so easily beset us.

      I would suggest giving your husband some space, and focusing on change – including getting counseling for yourself. You have another person that will soon be a part of your life, and you will pass on your negativity if you do not do something about it now before the birth of your child. You may be in pain because of your husband’s departure and cutting off contact, but this is a normal response that many abused persons utilize – they can’t take it anymore.

      Perhaps you will see him again when the baby is born. In the meantime, don’t try to convince him you have changed – seek it – live it, and in time he will see for himself. I hope my responses do not sound harsh. I am a person of truth, and I prayed for guidance for a response directed by the Holy Spirit. We must take responsibility for the pain we cause, and seek healing for the pain others have caused. The two work together for good for all involved.

      Peace

       
  2. Brent

    December 25, 2013 at 5:28 am

    I believe you are wrong. Everyone has the will to change no matter what. God gave everyone in the world the right to choose. As a past abuser they themselves go through a process of change so horrible most don’t make it. This world has always self medicated problems and used various kinds of addictions to keep themselves from actually realizing the full potential of themselves. These issues can be harder to deal with relating to what your past has been like which gives you the conscious decision to make decisions just clouded by ways you were taught to react. These can have major impact on one’s life. They bring forth shame and guilt and the inability to make full fledged decisions based off of insecurities. Men usually have more insecurities than woman for the same fact of the natural sexist aspect in life. Woman are weaker. To become a better person you have to become weaker. Men are always told they have to be strong and hold In there emotions it’s just they have to let it out. I’ve looked through thisblog as a man that fully regrets what he has done and have saw nothing, but blaming towards men and not any talk of prevention. You put up a attacking front and femicide it and expect it to help change others. Especially men. I have repented, i have cried and still do, i have steered away from relationships to make myself better, i have gone through every piece of knowledge i could to better myself as a person and to make sure i don’t do it again. I don’t chase love anymore and waited for it to find me. I found a gorgeous girl that lives in another state that has helped me with myself as a person and brought me far in my rebirth. I have become a new and changed person and have dropped all addictions to the very point of sodas and coffee. I do not see woman as anything else other than people and relate to allot of them and help them through things. I believe it’s wrong as beloved children of God to say that men, or as you say abusers have no conscious. They do. They have so much of a conscious that certain emotions

     
    • ssofdv

      December 25, 2013 at 2:19 pm

      “I believe you are wrong.”

      You are entitled to your beliefs. But let it be understood that this article was written mainly in response to Pastor Jeff Crippen’s book. He is a former police officer, and has firsthand knowledge of abusers – both male and female.

      “Everyone has the will to change no matter what.”

      But will they? Please understand that many people will not change because they do not see the need to. I was married to an abuser who blamed everything on everyone and everything outside of himself – especially me. He died still believing this way, and that is a shame. He never came to the realization that the abuse was his responsibility and no matter how he learned it, it was wrong.

      “I’ve looked through thisblog as a man that fully regrets what he has done and have saw nothing, but blaming towards men and not any talk of prevention. You put up a attacking front and femicide it and expect it to help change others. Especially men.”

      My writing is directed mainly at women to educate them. I am sorry that you feel that my blog is all about “blaming towards men.” As far as prevention, I believe the best persons suited to educate abusive men are former abusers such as you. What you have learned about yourself and your actions another abuser could perhaps identify with. You see, I can speak to women about abuse for I have that unfortunate experience. You could do the same for men. What is truly missing in the bigger scheme of things is real men speaking out – former abusers or not.

      i grew up witnessing many women being abused over and over again. It has always been my endeavor to educate abused women to end the cycle. The tendency to gravitate towards another abusive relation can only be halted with education.

      “I believe it’s wrong as beloved children of God to say that men, or as you say abusers have no conscious. They do. They have so much of a conscious that certain emotions.”

      I believe you have read the article incorrectly.

      “Abusive people have dysfunctional or even non-functioning consciences. In contrast, their victims have very active consciences. And the abuser uses this to his advantage. He can, without any hesitation or remorse, insinuate a horrid charge against her, making her feel the pangs of her own conscience, and causing her to wonder if she really is guilty.”

      “The abuser’s decision-making process is much different. Their decisions are not based upon what is right, just, fair, moral, ethical, nor do they consider the feelings of others. Life is all about the abuser and their comfort and well-being. It is within the avenues of power and control as well as entitlement that the abuser establishes a domain of terror. He feels justified.”

      “A sociopath has no conscience, no ability to feel shame, guilt or remorse. Since 1 in 25 ordinary Americans is a sociopath, you almost certainly know one or more than one already. How can you recognize him or her?”

      On a final note, I would love to partner with you on this blog to educate men, and help them to realize that they can change – those who have a sincere desire to do so. Would that be something that would interest you? Let me know.

      I Praise God for the change in you. Please use it to help other men.

      Peace

       
  3. ssofdv

    December 25, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    PS:

    “As a past abuser they themselves go through a process of change so horrible most don’t make it. This world has always self medicated problems and used various kinds of addictions to keep themselves from actually realizing the full potential of themselves. These issues can be harder to deal with relating to what your past has been like which gives you the conscious decision to make decisions just clouded by ways you were taught to react. These can have major impact on one’s life. They bring forth shame and guilt and the inability to make full fledged decisions based off of insecurities. Men usually have more insecurities than woman for the same fact of the natural sexist aspect in life. Woman are weaker. To become a better person you have to become weaker. Men are always told they have to be strong and hold In there emotions it’s just they have to let it out.”

    This is why instead of attacking me you should ask God to use you to help abusive men. You have said some very important truths here, and only those who struggle to change from being abusive can relate.

    Again, I write from experience. What I witnessed growing up and my own experiences with abuse. I maintain that if women are educated they can in turn teach the girls growing up how to avoid abuse. Education needs to come from both sides of the equation in order to end abuse. Please use your knowledge and experience to help other men and young boys that need you.

     
  4. ssofdv

    December 26, 2013 at 10:21 am

    “I’ve looked through thisblog as a man that fully regrets what he has done and have saw nothing, but blaming towards men and not any talk of prevention. You put up a attacking front and femicide it and expect it to help change others. Especially men.”

    I have many questions concerning this statement.

    Who should we blame for violence against women? The victim? The innocent children that are damaged for life? Domestic abuse victims do not beat themselves up. Their injuries are a direct result of their abusers torments and evil actions. Many are killed, and sadly in front of their children.

    You take offense to what is written on this blog for you yourself has made a change. Praise God! But please understand that downplaying violence against women is not the solution. Wrong is Wrong!

    There is no “attacking front” in this blog anywhere – simply the truth. Many children are damaged for life by what they witness at home. The cycle of domestic violence will only end when abusers stop being abusive, and acknowledge their sins and crimes against the innocent.

    Sorry, but there is no sugar coating the vile and vicious acts of abuse on this blog. Jesus did not sugar coat wrong doing, especially towards others – and neither will I.

     
  5. elisa hill

    February 20, 2014 at 5:22 am

    I am sorry too that Brent felt that Men were being attacked here! I am not sure what else an abuser can be called?, i dont think any women here hate men! we all have Fathers,brothers,sons,we live among those men who dont abuse,we live among NORMAL men,those who work every day for their wives and children, thank God that Abusers, of any Gender are few and far between! Personally i have three grown up sons,but when they were growing up i consiously chose not to hate Men for their sake! Very hard! but i looked around me and saw so many good men.

    Well done for changing Brent,its such a shame more are not able too, and live sad and lonely lives, like the Bob Dylan song,’old men with broken teeth lonely without love’…

     
    • ssofdv

      February 20, 2014 at 1:34 pm

      Elisa, I totally agree. It is dangerous to downplay the viciousness of abuse. Perhaps Brent felt guilty after reading this post, I don’t know. And you are correct, there is no hatred of men on this blog, just a pure disdain for the vile and vicious acts committed by abusers.

      I commend Brent for the changes he has made in his life as well. And I honor his prayer request and I pray for him. It is my hope that someday he will be able to speak out against abuse and help other men to change. He is welcome to speak out on this blog as I have extended the invitation. Let us continue to pray for all involved in this sad state of affairs.

      Thank you for your comment as always Elisa. Peace be unto you.

      Terry

       
      • eahill58

        February 26, 2014 at 5:58 am

        Thanks Terry, it is dangerous to downplay the viciousness of abuse,I am sorry that he felt guilty,but that did help him to change,we all have to go through a time of guilt to know that we have to be better people, thats what the Holy Spirit does! ,non of us would be born again without it!,,non of us want to feel guilty all our lives over the bad way we have treated others!
        One area where i do disagree with Brent though is about Abusers, whether they be Male or female feeling guilty! In my Experience,and in the books i have read about Abusers,Jeff Crippens book among others, and the vast research i have done into this, they dont!They are doing what works for them, to control,and dominate,(we have all had to conform to their opinions on everything, we become non-people, we lose our free will!)
        Pastor Crippen, and the writer of the Book ‘why does he do that’,say that they only pretend to feel guilt,very like a Pyscopath.I am in no way doubting Brent’s genuine guilt, but it is very rare,and can only be truly accomplished through the love of Jesus, a genuine turning to Him, not done to try abd win back the Abused.I have had 17 years of my Ex husbands,fake repentence,HE IS STILL DOING IT NOW! i am not engaging in it anymore,i know he still feels quite justified in beating me and blames me for not supporting him’

         
  6. ssofdv

    February 26, 2014 at 2:23 pm

    Elisa, I could not agree with you more. Feeling guilty is a good thing if it is genuine and leads to repentance. Without the help of the Holy Spirit genuine change of heart is not possible. As stated many times, abusers rarely change. Abuse is deliberate, and a momentary “I’m sorry” is not repentance nor is it a change of heart.

    Thank you Elisa, and I am so happy to know that you are staying strong – especially in the Lord.

    Peace

     
  7. Jason F. Springer

    June 24, 2014 at 1:15 am

    Terry, more significant that any of the above differences is the Word of God:

    2 Timothy 3
    3 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.

    6 They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over gullible women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, 7 always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth. 8 Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so also these teachers oppose the truth. They are men of depraved minds, who, as far as the faith is concerned, are rejected. 9 But they will not get very far because, as in the case of those men, their folly will be clear to everyone.

    Compared to Lundy Bancroft, cult founder of his own Cult, “Nature’s Temple” link below.

    http://transitiontoanewworld.blogspot.com/2011/03/new-spiritual-community.html

    Lundy Bancroft is the kind of person 2 Timothy 3 warns us about.

    There is no dispute that Lundy is the self proclaimed leader of his own cult.

    Lundy is a deceiver, not an expert.

    Pastor Crippen has apparently been fooled by Lundy Bancroft.

    Stick with The Word and the Spirit, not Lundy Bancroft.

     
    • ssofdv

      June 25, 2014 at 3:03 pm

      Hello Jason, and thank you for your comment.

      I have deleted any reference to Lundy Bancroft in this post after reading the article he wrote. Reason being, I was put off by the article in general, and the fact that his “new movement” involves “Mysticism” and the foundation is far removed from the Word of God.

      ” I have decided to found a new spiritual community and spiritual movement, which I am calling Nature’s Temple. I call the belief system Nature Mysticism. I have included the principles (there are quite a few) below.”

      I cannot say that I have not been enlightened by reading “Why Does He Do That?” Even if his writing lead me to other truths and sources that I have referenced. However, because of his established “cult” and dealings with “Mysticism” I would not recommend his work further.

      It makes one wonder though about his so-called “authority” on the subject of domestic violence and abuse. Could it be that people are hooked on his writings and lead like sheep to slaughter in the end?

      Thank you for bringing this information to my attention.
      Peace

      http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f12/lundy-bancroft-new-religion-15612/

      https://www.facebook.com/AMPPUSA/posts/667190696628119

       
      • Jason F. Springer

        July 11, 2014 at 12:30 am

        Terry,

        Jesus, who Loved both of us so much that he suffered,was battered, bled and died to take on himself the due execution that we deserved, will judge both of us out of His all knowing Lordship.

        That being said, I thank you for Hearing Gods’ Word In 2 Timothy regarding deceiving teachers and considering lundy bancroft in the light of the Word. Your openness looks like the fruit of the Spirit to me!

        Since my family even at this moment is under attack by Bancrofts’ dark teaching, I shine the Word of God on the real Lundy every chance I am given. Most will not hear Gods’ Wisdom calling out in the street about false teachers like Lundy. I am and will be thanking our God that you have heard Him, even through a faithful but flawed messenger like me.

        If our dialogue is Godly we Honor our Father in Heaven!

        To your last question about Lundys’ “authority”, he is a poster boy Charlatan, who has no health or mental health degrees, credentials or licsenses. Here in Massachusetts, the Family Court finally caught on to him and fired him as a “Batterer education” provider.

        Yes, as you say of sheep to the slaughter, per 2 Timothy 4 below, our fellow sheep have let Lundy “tickle their ears” with self serving falsehood. Let’s keep praying that we ourselves, our fellow sheep in the Lords’ fold and the lost sheep will hear our masters voice and come to him!

        Thanks and Salt, love, Jason

        2 Timothy 4 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

        “Preach the Word”
        4 I solemnly charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by His appearing and His kingdom: 2 preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort, with [a]great patience and instruction. 3 For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but wanting to have their ears tickled, they will accumulate for themselves teachers in accordance to their own desires, 4 and will turn away their ears from the truth and will turn aside to myths. 5 But you, be sober in all things, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.

         

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