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HE BEATS ME – BUT HE IS A GOOD MAN!

09 Mar

By Terry Loving

New International Version (©1984)
“The LORD examines the righteous, but the wicked and those who love violence his soul hates.”

You have probably heard the saying that “a good man is hard to find.” Ask any woman who is seeking a mate, and she will tell you one of the qualities required is the man must be a “good” man. I wonder though, would most women know a “good” man if they did find him? What does a “good” man look like? How does he carry himself? Is there some sort of standard by which a man’s character can be measured?

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I have read several posts where the abused women claimed their abusers are “good” men. Here is an un-edited example:

“i’de like to know if a man will stop abuse and i am scared. i am not physically strong and i don’t shout back. i just keep quiet. its happened 3 times now, first in december with a shove, then over easter in the car, he pushed me against the window and wanted to drive us into a wall, i asked him if i could drive, he got out and walked into the bush. we communicated via our phones. when he came back i had to drive slowly, as he wanted to jump out the car, and over bridges. he swore at me in the car all the way home, calling me a bitch and a whore and no man will ever accept me. saturday night he beat me and kicked me for 6 hours. continually….. he is a good man…. we love each other, but i am afraid!

Comment #8 (Posted by Lynette Hoy)”

http://www.counselcareconnection.org/articles/45/1/How-Do-I-Stop-Abusing-My-Wife/Page1.html

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A “good” man would not treat anyone this way – especially a woman he claims to love. Beating and kicking her for “6 hours” proves that this man is evil. Because this woman is afraid of her abuser, she chooses to “keep quiet” which gives the abuser the sense that his actions are allowed. In some warped way, he probably concludes that this woman “likes” how he treats her, or she would do something about it instead of suffering in silence.

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She states that she is “afraid” and “scared” – she should be. This man will only progress to worst abuse, perhaps even kill her one day. She may love him, but he surely does not love her. The problem with this situation is that neither party has any concept of real love. If they did, she would not be suffering abuse, and he would not be dishing it out.

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The main objective of this post is to show from a Biblical stand point what a “good” man should represent. Mind you, everyone has their little quirks, habits, preferences and the like. Not every couple will agree with each other all the time. When blending two backgrounds into a relationship, differences may sometimes clash and cause friction in the home. However, spiritual maturity in both partners will ultimately level out disagreements and restore peace.

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If a man is a “good” man, he will understand and practice Biblical principles that will keep his home in spiritual balance. He will exercise leadership with love, patience, wisdom, and godly direction. Otherwise, he will rule with tyranny and abuse those whom God has blessed him with to be a part of his life and family.

So what is a “good” man? Let us seek the Word of God.

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Gill’s Exposition of the Entire Bible

“A good man, out of the good treasure of the heart,…. “A good man”, is a regenerated man, one that is renewed by the Spirit of God, a believer in Christ, a sincere lover of him, and one that follows him, wheresoever he goes, and who has the grace of God implanted in him: for “the good treasure the heart”, is not what he is naturally possessed of, but what is put into him: and is no other than the superabundant grace of God, or that grace for grace, which he has received out of Christ’s fullness, and the rich experience of it he is blessed with:”

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New International Version (©1984)
“The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.”

New Living Translation (©2007)
“A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart.”

33“A tree is identified by its fruit. If a tree is good, its fruit will be good. If a tree is bad, its fruit will be bad. 34You brood of snakes! How could evil men like you speak what is good and right? For whatever is in your heart determines what you say. 35A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. 36And I tell you this, you must give an account on judgment day for every idle word you speak. 37The words you say will either acquit you or condemn you.”

http://nlt.scripturetext.com/matthew/12.htm

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“An evil man has an evil treasure in his heart, and out of it brings forth evil things. Lusts and corruptions, dwelling and reigning in the heart, are an evil treasure, out of which the sinner brings forth bad words and actions, to dishonour God, and hurt others. Let us keep constant watch over ourselves, that we may speak words agreeable to the Christian character.”Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary

Dictionary definition of “good”:

adjective

1. morally excellent; virtuous; righteous; pious: a good man.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/good

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In light of the above definition and scriptures, there is no way a violent abuser can be considered a “good” man. If his character does not match up to what you have read thus far, then abusers are the opposite of “good,” which means they are “evil” men who practice evil. They practice sin, and criminal behaviors that justify both earthly and heavenly consequences.

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Most likely, it is during the “honeymoon stage” that abused women fool themselves believing their abusers are otherwise “good” men. Anyone can put on a good act, but that does not mean they are “good” people. What is in your heart will eventually come out – good or evil. Apologies for abuse and flowers do not make a “good” man.

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Also, many women erroneously conclude that if they can get their abusers to stop abusing, then they would have a “good” man. Not necessarily so. Many immoral men do not physically abuse women, but they commit sinful acts in other ways such as deceiving, cheating, lying and stealing etc.

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A “good” man will not verbally abuse you, and call you ugly names.

Proverbs 10:20  “The tongue of the righteous is choice silver, but the heart of the wicked is of little value.”

Proverbs 10:21  “The lips of the righteous nourish many, but fools die for lack of judgment.”

His conversation will be full of grace, and seasoned with salt. A “good” man will provide for his family. Otherwise, he is worse than an infidel. He should be like Barnabas:

New Living Translation (©2007)
“Barnabas was a good man, full of the Holy Spirit and strong in faith. And many people were brought to the Lord.”

GOD’S WORD® Translation (©1995)
“Barnabas was a dependable man….”

“For he was a good man – This is given as a reason why he was so eminently successful. It is not said that he was a man of distinguished talents or learning; that he was a splendid or an imposing preacher; but simply that he was a man of an amiable, kind, and benevolent disposition – a pious, humble man of God. We should not undervalue talent, eloquence, or learning in the ministry, but we may remark that humble piety will often do more in the conversion of souls than the most splendid talents. No endowments can be a substitute for this.”   Barnes’ Notes on the Bible

Most of all, a “good” man will strive to be Christ-like. He will endeavor to please the Father in all things. He will care when others are hurting, as Jesus wept over the condition of mankind:

Luke 19:41 “As he approached Jerusalem and saw the city, he wept over it.”

A “good” man will possess compassion:

John 11:33 “When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.”

A “good” man will love his wife as he is instructed to do so:

New International Version (©1984)
“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”

Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

Ephesians 5:28 “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”  (Would a man stomp and kick his own body for “6 hours?”)

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Colossians 3:19 “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.”

New Living Translation (©2007)
In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.

Barnes’ Notes on the Bible

“Giving honor unto the wife – It was an important advance made in society when the Christian religion gave such a direction as this, for everywhere among the pagan, and under all false systems of religion, woman has been regarded as worthy of little honor or respect. She has been considered as a slave, or as a mere instrument to gratify the passions of man. It is one of the elementary doctrines of Christianity, however, that woman is to be treated with respect; and one of the first and most marked effects of religion on society is to elevate the wife to a condition in which she will be worthy of esteem. The particular reasons for the honor which husbands are directed to show to their wives, here specified, are two: she is to be treated with special kindness as being more feeble than man, and as having a claim therefore to delicate attention; and she is to be honored as the equal heir of the grace of life.”

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Ladies, a “good” man is not one who temporarily refrains from abusing you. During the “honeymoon stage” you may witness endearing qualities that cause you to fall in love with your abuser all over again. However, this brief period of calm will eventually give way to higher and more damaging degrees of violence and abuse. “Do not be deceived.”

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There is much more that can be said concerning this matter. The conclusion is, no “good” man beats, berates, abuses his mate, or anyone. A “good” man isn’t a perfect man, for no man can match the perfection of Jesus Christ. However, a “good” man will strive for spiritual excellence just the same.

New International Version (©1984)
“Keep me, O LORD, from the hands of the wicked; protect me from men of violence who plan to trip my feet.”

Is there some sort of standard by which a man’s character can be measured? YES – the Word of God.

If he beats you – abuses you – cheats, lies, deceives, he is not a good man.

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http://fvpfstore.stores.yahoo.net/healthposters.html

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The Excellence of Love

If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

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Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

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Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:1-13

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Men tell Oprah why they beat the women they love

“When he was in a rage and beating Christy, Sir says he did want her to die. “I had every intention to take her life. I felt like I had power and control over something in my life,” Sir says. “It made me feel invincible.”

“Luckily, Christy survived the abuse.”

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Domestic violence – why men abuse women

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ABUSERS – ARE THEY EVIL?

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NOTE: It is very difficult to recognize a “good” man if you never had an example of a “good” man in your life. One of the mistakes we make is to rush into relationships. A warning sign that you are headed for trouble is a man rushing you into a relationship. When we grow up with bad examples of manhood, we tend to date men who mimic what we saw at home. It is erroneously assumed that all men will treat women this way, and many women accept the abuse as “normal.”

Another mistake is – we do not take time to know ourselves. If we have unresolved baggage from the past, we carry the pain into relationships. Unfortunately, we subconsciously expect our mates to “heal” us, and that is impossible. This applies to both men and women.

Because many of us grew up with dysfunction in our homes, we tend to feel empty in relationships if there is no drama. Therefore, we create it – or recreate what we witnessed at home as children. Men know when a woman is “needy,” and if he has evil intentions you will suffer.

Sadly, some women grow up with godly fathers, and witness what a “good” man should be like – and they gravitate towards “bad boys.” Yes, “bad boys” have been labeled “exciting.” But too often, the excitement is drama in disguise. Unfortunately, many “good” guys are labeled as “nerdy” or “boring.” They usually work hard, own homes, and live stable lives. “Bad boys” often live off their women, prostitute them, beat them, and make life miserable.

Take time to know him or her. If something is for you, you will have it.

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My husband loves me a lot but he’s abusive

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MY HUSBAND HITS ME ALL THE TIME?

“i know all of you guys are saying leave him but its not easy!!
i cant just leave him i want to help him if i just leave him how will he ever change i am his wife and want him to be a better person, can anyone just understand that?”

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My Husband Hits Me

“What do I do if my husband hits me just because he is anger, but I can’t leave him because I love him very much.

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 MAN IS DEFILED FROM WITHIN

“And He was saying, ‘That which proceeds out of the man that is what defiles the man. For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride and foolishness. All these evil things proceed from within and defile the man” (verses 20-23). To this list we can add violence, physical and verbal abuse, mistreatment of others.

The person who commits murder is acting out what is in his heart. Adultery is in the heart. Deceit is in the heart. Pride is in the heart. Evil is in the heart. Domestic violence and abuse are in the hearts of those who are defiled from within.

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“This grim made-for-TV domestic drama examines the terrible effects caused by spousal abuse. The story centers on the mental and physical battering endured by a wife at the hands of her troubled husband.”

Regular visits to their home from the police, three broken ribs, hospitalization and many beatings wasn’t enough for her to leave. It wasn’t until her abusive husband threw their young son across the room that she finally started to see the light. This is a woman who thought she had a “good” man, and kept making excuses for his abusing her. She blamed herself, as much as he blamed her for everything that went wrong. A MUST SEE!

https://signup.netflix.com/Movie/Intimate-Strangers/70147041?country=1&rdirfdc=true

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CLICK HERE FOR SAFE HORIZON LINK TO TAKE ACTION

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The Danger Assessment

The Danger Assessment helps to determine the level of danger an abused woman has of being killed by her intimate partner. It is free and available to the public. Using the Danger Assessment requires the weighted scoring and interpretation that is provided after completing the training. The Danger Assessment is available in a variety of languages.

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Domestic Violence Against Women: How to Spot Abusive Men when Dating

Is Your Date an Abuser? Learn the Signs Before It’s Too Late

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Why Men Abuse Women

“Tony says it felt like he “blacked out” during the abuse. “You don’t understand what’s going on,” he says. “I completely own up to [what I did], but in that rage, it’s like your brain wires, they aren’t clicking.”

“He says being in an abusive relationship is like being in a drug addiction. “It becomes like your bond in the sense that the woman is like cocaine inside of that relationship. That’s the only connection you have, because there’s no real love,” he says. “In order to overcome it, it’s almost like you have to separate, go to rehab, move out of the dope house and never come back.”

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10 Signs You May Be in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 20092012
All rights reserved.

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16 Comments

Posted by on March 9, 2012 in EXCUSES FOR VIOLENCE/ABUSE

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

16 responses to “HE BEATS ME – BUT HE IS A GOOD MAN!

  1. loveails

    March 15, 2012 at 2:44 am

    I am currently in grief over a breakup from my abusive ex and I recently said this about him. Thanks for this recent post.

     
    • ssofdv

      March 15, 2012 at 10:32 am

      Dear loveails,

      You are welcome.

      I am very sorry to hear of your pain. But know this – in time you will heal as you work towards wholeness. You will go through the stages of loss akin to a death in the family. As you go through, you will understand more of what you suffered, and realize that your abuser has a very serious problem. Be kind to yourself during this time. We all make mistakes, but we must learn from them. Keep reading and educating yourself about domestic abuse, and you will see clearer each day. The quickest way to healing is to help someone else see the light.

      You have a story to tell – share it. In doing so, you will find a new direction.

      May God bless you with healing of mind, body and soul. God’s Word is comforting. I am here for you.
      Peace

       
      • Kisha

        August 11, 2013 at 8:54 pm

        Hi, I just got out of a abusive relationship he neve hit me but he have choked me like three times out of the four years being together we have been through a lot in the four years we been together and we tried to work things out he took care of home at all times I never wanted for anything the last time he choked me I press charges and got a restraining order against him and and changed my number and moved somewhere he wouldn’t kno where I was at I been trying to move on with my life but I always think about him no matter what I’m doing it, where I’m at, I’m still in love with him. He had got my number from a mutual friend after three months being separated and he was in jail for what he done to me he called and was crying and pleading that he wants to be with me and that its meant for us to be together and he will prove to me that he really wants to change and he have been taking all the steps to show me he want to change going to classes and everything. Can a man change after being an abuser?

         
      • ssofdv

        August 12, 2013 at 10:36 am

        Hello Kisha,

        Many women make the mistake of viewing choking as non-abusive because they were not “hit.” Choking can cut off your air supply, and restrict blood to your brain. In either case, one could be brain damaged or killed. Choking also leads to other forms of abuse such as hitting, kicking, punching, slapping, etc. Choking is abuse!

        It is natural to miss someone with whom you had a relationship, especially if intimacy was involved. Sex creates a bond, physically, mentally, and spiritually. One should not mistake their feelings for change in others. Your fear level may decrease and your love may shine brighter than the abuse, but it is dangerous for you to go back to someone who has not changed. Change is more than fake tears, and an insincere apology. And flowers surely won’t do.

        Try to find other ways to cope with the loss. There are many lonely seniors who would love to have you visit or take them shopping. Become a Big Sister; take up a hobby; join a group; do what you can to stay strong.

        Your abuser served time for domestic violence. Do you really think he will forget that? He is angry for having to experience incarceration, make no mistake about that. His tears mean nothing at this point. My only advice is to stay far away from him. He needs help that you cannot give him. Sure, the make-up sex will be great, but when the abuse starts again will you be able to get away with your life as before?

        Can abusers change? Should I give him another chance?

        How To Tell If He’s Changing

        How To Tell If He is Not Changing

        I cannot tell you what to do, but I do advise you to move on with your life.
        Peace

         
  2. Jeff Crippen

    March 17, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    Reblogged this on A Cry For Justice and commented:
    This is an excellent article addressing the fallacy of “but he’s a good man” which so often confuses the abuse victim.

     
    • ssofdv

      March 18, 2012 at 11:22 am

      Thank you Jeff. I recommend that all my readers visit your blog. I am looking forward to reading your book when it comes out. I pray for more warriors in the pulpit to take a stand as you have. Thank you for having the courage to do so.

      God bless you.

      Peace

       
  3. LR

    October 4, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    It could be your fault too. You might be a bad person whose done bad things to him like not listening to him, you flirt with other men, you look at porn, you are selfish and don’t care about the kids, you drink, you smoke, you do drugs, etc.

     
    • ssofdv

      October 4, 2012 at 8:52 pm

      Hello “LR”,

      Thank you for your comment. First, it is my hope that of all that has been written on my blog and website, one truth stands out the most – the violence and abuse are the responsibility of the abuser alone!

      With that said, if anyone is dealing with a relationship that consists of all that you have mentioned, perhaps the one suffering would be better off with someone else, or alone. None of the characteristics mentioned warrants someone suffering domestic abuse. On the other hand, these characteristics make for a very bad situation in a relationship or marriage, but there are other ways to resolve differences without violence and abuse, even if one has to leave the relationship.

      It is understandable that a person acting the way you described in your comment could cause a lot of frustration and anxiety for all involved, especially children. Frequently, a breaking point is reached, and too often the blow up results in violence and abuse. Why? – Because the one who becomes violent resorts to abuse because they cannot change the person who is in their opinion acting unbecoming of a person they would like to be in a relationship with. But my questions are:

      1. Was this person exhibiting such behaviors prior to a relationship or marriage?
      2. If not, what do you feel may have caused such a change?
      3. If these characteristics were present before marriage or a relationship, why were the “red flags” ignored?
      4. Do we really believe that we can change other people?

      So you see “LR,” the violence and/or abuse is just an excuse to vent frustrations. We can only change ourselves, and even that is very difficult in most cases.

      It is my hope that you will find peace and solutions to what you are dealing with. Remember, “children live what they learn.”
      Peace

       
      • Kisha

        August 11, 2013 at 9:05 pm

        That is so true kids do live what they learn my ex watched his mother get beat by his dad for years and now he has done it but he say he want to change he dont want to be like his dad do u think he can change?

         
      • ssofdv

        August 12, 2013 at 10:20 am

        Hello Kisha,

        Yes, many children witnessing domestic violence at home often grow up to be abusers themselves. For the most part, they learn that abuse is the way to handle life, and its many complications.

        Many women make the dire mistake thinking they have the power to help their abusive mates change. Very few abusers have stopped abusing – the majority do not stop.

        For an abuser to admit he doesn’t want to “be like his dad,” I suppose is a start to recognizing that he needs to change. However, without professional help and time to learn new positive responses to relationship differences, there may not be change.

        Here are a few interesting links that may shed some light on your question.

        Can abusers change? Should I give him another chance?

        How to tell if he’s changing

        How to tell if he’s not changing

        Domestic Violence and Claims of Change: Is It Possible?

        Why Do Abusers Batter?

        CAN YOU HELP CHANGE AN ABUSER?

         
  4. lebogang

    October 26, 2012 at 11:04 pm

    I have a man who just recently hit me and this is the fourth times he has done it.I love him because he treat me and love me the way that no man I meet loved me.all the actions are right and I didnt speak with him for the whole week.he called the person that he was angry at for years which is mother to even talk to me that his sorry and would never do it again.iam not afraid of him he doesn’t scare me.so what must I do because I know I can leave him the problem is how do I do it..because I love him.

     
    • ssofdv

      October 27, 2012 at 2:56 pm

      Hello Lebogang,

      I am very sorry to hear of your situation. I will address your last question first – “I know I can leave him the problem is how do I do it..because I love him.”

      If you are undecided about leaving based on the fact that you love him, and not that it would be dangerous or harmful to you, then the work must be done from the inside out. Meaning, your love for your abuser is deeper than your love for yourself. Like most women tend to do when in love, we place our men on higher ground while we are content to take the low road. When this happens, we begin to accept abuse so long as there are good times in between.

      “I have a man who just recently hit me and this is the fourth times he has done it.”

      Rest assured it will happen again, and again. Perhaps one of those times you may be hospitalized or dead. I cannot give you anything but the raw truth “Lebogang.” Your man has anger issues, and how ironic that he would ask the source of his anger to smooth things over with you for his sake. Instead of confronting his anger issues concerning his mother, he takes his rage out on you. Is that sane?

      “his sorry and would never do it again.”

      Well, by the “fourth times” you should know that this statement is a LIE! If this promise was made after the first time and he never raised his hands to you again, super! But here you are at the “fourth times” crossroads.

      “because I love him.”

      Do you love “Lebogang” as much as you love this guy? If not, why not?

      I discovered this website today while researching an answer for you. The Author makes very valid points that I wish to share with you. Michele Toomey, PhD wrote about “Breaking Free of Emotional Bondage.” I am providing some highlights that I hope you will find useful:

      “There are two sources of emotional bondage, ourselves and others. We cannot break free from another, however, until we are first freed from ourselves.”

      “Unlike physical bondage, psychological bondage is kept in place by the imprisoned. A shocking fact, perhaps, but a fact, nonetheless. To be psychologically oppressed we must participate in the oppression and oppress ourselves. To be psychologically liberated we must choose integrity and liberate ourselves.”

      “There is a type of brainwashing that occurs in emotional bondage. The hold over the imprisoned woman is not physical. There are no ropes, no locked doors, yet, she is not free to just leave. The ropes are ties of self-loathing and unworthiness. The doors are locked with lies and self-doubt, with fear and distrust of herself. She needs the shackles and locked doors so that she can be connected to herself through the abuse and the abuser. To break free she must confront herself and be intimate with her fears and her suffering, without blaming herself for them. She must dare to discover, not judge what’s going on for her, to search with integrity, not hide in deceit, and to commit to doing what she needs to do in order to be connected to her own sense of worthiness and to her power. She has to face herself and her fears, and not stare at her oppressor. Then she must open her inner eyes to see with integrity what lies within. Only then is she ready to do the work that’s needed to move herself away from the violation of blaming and abusing herself. Only then can she begin the long, hard journey out of bondage and back to integrity.”

      CLICK HERE TO READ MORE

      And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” (John 8:32)

      I hope this helps.
      Peace

       
  5. rc

    September 10, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    My husband beats me every week and psychologically abuses me every day. A year ago he was a gentleman, now he’s a nightmare. A year from now he could be a gentleman again and the divorce would be “wrong” because we didn’t weather the trials before taking that action. Should we separate or divorce or just pray?? I don’t understand how this could be part of the plan, I’m heartbroken at his rejection and at God’s inaction, even though I know God only works with willing hearts and my husband doesn’t tell the truth when he says he wants God to change him and asks for change. I guess I need to take the action before he hurts me or my family. Because I have anxiety in stressful situations, my family looks at us as two messed up people who both need counselling, and other people only suggest marriage counselling. Is that really the answer?? He didn’t listen to other marriage counsellors, he respects them but says they’re wrong.

     
    • ssofdv

      September 11, 2013 at 12:25 pm

      Hello rc,

      I am very sorry to hear of your situation. To leave or stay in your marriage is a decision that you will have to make. I cannot advise you either way. However, no one deserves to be beaten or abused in any way. It is a fact that abuse rarely stops, and only gets worst over time.

      The person that your husband was in the past may never surface again. It is also a fact that abusers start off nice in relationships and drastically change. If you are holding onto a past image, you may be doing so in vain. It is heartbreaking when a person does a complete change from light to darkness. But understand this, the darkness was always there – just hidden until the victim is where the abuser wants her.

      I believe prayer to be powerful and very effective – but when it comes to domestic violence and abuse, drastic measures are needed to bring about change, even if it means separation or divorce. Only the person suffering can make those decisions. Those looking on from the outside cannot tell an abused person when they have had enough.

      Another fact is marriage counseling with both the abused and abuser is not recommended. For one, the abused is often too afraid to speak their true feelings, and therefore the abuser gains every opportunity to blame the abused for the relationship problems. This may also promote more danger for the abused. Individual counseling is often recommended. If your husband didn’t listen in the past, he won’t now.

      Asking God for change and taking steps for change are two different things. Finding out through counseling for example helps people discover why they are so angry. People who are depressed often seek counseling, but an antidepressant is often needed as well. Sitting on the sofa in the dark is not a solution. Prayer alone is not a solution. We must take active steps towards change.

      Lastly, too many people get angry with God for His “inaction.” Often times God provides a way of escape out of many situations, and those who need to take advantage of certain situations do not. We want God to fix our lives on our terms, and He does not work that way. Sometimes solutions are not favorable, but if we missed the timing, we may have to wait a long time for another opportunity – in the meantime, continue to suffer.

      It is my hope that you will see the need for drastic measures. Wishful thinking does not change anyone. Love alone will not change anyone. Remember this, many women hung in there for many years only to regret their decisions. Abuse rarely stops.

      Your deserve better!
      Peace

       

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