By Terry Loving
You have probably heard the saying that “a good man is hard to find.” Ask any woman who is seeking a mate, and she will tell you one of the qualities required is the man must be a “good” man. I wonder though, would most women know a “good” man if they did find him? What does a “good” man look like? How does he carry himself? Is there some sort of standard by which a man’s character can be measured?
I have read several posts where the abused women claimed their abusers are “good” men. Here is an un-edited example:
“i’de like to know if a man will stop abuse and i am scared. i am not physically strong and i don’t shout back. i just keep quiet. its happened 3 times now, first in december with a shove, then over easter in the car, he pushed me against the window and wanted to drive us into a wall, i asked him if i could drive, he got out and walked into the bush. we communicated via our phones. when he came back i had to drive slowly, as he wanted to jump out the car, and over bridges. he swore at me in the car all the way home, calling me a bitch and a whore and no man will ever accept me. saturday night he beat me and kicked me for 6 hours. continually….. he is a good man…. we love each other, but i am afraid!
Comment #8 (Posted by Lynette Hoy)”
A “good” man would not treat anyone this way – especially a woman he claims to love. Beating and kicking her for “6 hours” proves that this man is evil. Because this woman is afraid of her abuser, she chooses to “keep quiet” which gives the abuser the sense that his actions are allowed. In some warped way, he probably concludes that this woman “likes” how he treats her, or she would do something about it instead of suffering in silence.
She states that she is “afraid” and “scared” – she should be. This man will only progress to worst abuse, perhaps even kill her one day. She may love him, but he surely does not love her. The problem with this situation is that neither party has any concept of real love. If they did, she would not be suffering abuse, and he would not be dishing it out.
The main objective of this post is to show from a Biblical stand point what a “good” man should represent. Mind you, everyone has their little quirks, habits, preferences and the like. Not every couple will agree with each other all the time. When blending two backgrounds into a relationship, differences may sometimes clash and cause friction in the home. However, spiritual maturity in both partners will ultimately level out disagreements and restore peace.
If a man is a “good” man, he will understand and practice Biblical principles that will keep his home in spiritual balance. He will exercise leadership with love, patience, wisdom, and godly direction. Otherwise, he will rule with tyranny and abuse those whom God has blessed him with to be a part of his life and family.
So what is a “good” man? Let us seek the Word of God.
“A good man, out of the good treasure of the heart,…. “A good man”, is a regenerated man, one that is renewed by the Spirit of God, a believer in Christ, a sincere lover of him, and one that follows him, wheresoever he goes, and who has the grace of God implanted in him: for “the good treasure the heart”, is not what he is naturally possessed of, but what is put into him: and is no other than the superabundant grace of God, or that grace for grace, which he has received out of Christ’s fullness, and the rich experience of it he is blessed with:”
“33“A tree is identified by its fruit. If a tree is good, its fruit will be good. If a tree is bad, its fruit will be bad. 34You brood of snakes! How could evil men like you speak what is good and right? For whatever is in your heart determines what you say. 35A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. 36And I tell you this, you must give an account on judgment day for every idle word you speak. 37The words you say will either acquit you or condemn you.”
|“An evil man has an evil treasure in his heart, and out of it brings forth evil things. Lusts and corruptions, dwelling and reigning in the heart, are an evil treasure, out of which the sinner brings forth bad words and actions, to dishonour God, and hurt others. Let us keep constant watch over ourselves, that we may speak words agreeable to the Christian character.”Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary|
Dictionary definition of “good”:
1. morally excellent; virtuous; righteous; pious: a good man.
In light of the above definition and scriptures, there is no way a violent abuser can be considered a “good” man. If his character does not match up to what you have read thus far, then abusers are the opposite of “good,” which means they are “evil” men who practice evil. They practice sin, and criminal behaviors that justify both earthly and heavenly consequences.
Most likely, it is during the “honeymoon stage” that abused women fool themselves believing their abusers are otherwise “good” men. Anyone can put on a good act, but that does not mean they are “good” people. What is in your heart will eventually come out – good or evil. Apologies for abuse and flowers do not make a “good” man.
Also, many women erroneously conclude that if they can get their abusers to stop abusing, then they would have a “good” man. Not necessarily so. Many immoral men do not physically abuse women, but they commit sinful acts in other ways such as deceiving, cheating, lying and stealing etc.
A “good” man will not verbally abuse you, and call you ugly names.
Proverbs 10:20 “The tongue of the righteous is choice silver, but the heart of the wicked is of little value.”
Proverbs 10:21 “The lips of the righteous nourish many, but fools die for lack of judgment.”
“For he was a good man – This is given as a reason why he was so eminently successful. It is not said that he was a man of distinguished talents or learning; that he was a splendid or an imposing preacher; but simply that he was a man of an amiable, kind, and benevolent disposition – a pious, humble man of God. We should not undervalue talent, eloquence, or learning in the ministry, but we may remark that humble piety will often do more in the conversion of souls than the most splendid talents. No endowments can be a substitute for this.” Barnes’ Notes on the Bible
Most of all, a “good” man will strive to be Christ-like. He will endeavor to please the Father in all things. He will care when others are hurting, as Jesus wept over the condition of mankind:
Luke 19:41 “As he approached Jerusalem and saw the city, he wept over it.”
A “good” man will possess compassion:
John 11:33 “When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.”
A “good” man will love his wife as he is instructed to do so:
New International Version (©1984)
“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”
Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
Ephesians 5:28 “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” (Would a man stomp and kick his own body for “6 hours?”)
Colossians 3:19 “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.”
New Living Translation (©2007)
In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.
“Giving honor unto the wife – It was an important advance made in society when the Christian religion gave such a direction as this, for everywhere among the pagan, and under all false systems of religion, woman has been regarded as worthy of little honor or respect. She has been considered as a slave, or as a mere instrument to gratify the passions of man. It is one of the elementary doctrines of Christianity, however, that woman is to be treated with respect; and one of the first and most marked effects of religion on society is to elevate the wife to a condition in which she will be worthy of esteem. The particular reasons for the honor which husbands are directed to show to their wives, here specified, are two: she is to be treated with special kindness as being more feeble than man, and as having a claim therefore to delicate attention; and she is to be honored as the equal heir of the grace of life.”
Ladies, a “good” man is not one who temporarily refrains from abusing you. During the “honeymoon stage” you may witness endearing qualities that cause you to fall in love with your abuser all over again. However, this brief period of calm will eventually give way to higher and more damaging degrees of violence and abuse. “Do not be deceived.”
There is much more that can be said concerning this matter. The conclusion is, no “good” man beats, berates, abuses his mate, or anyone. A “good” man isn’t a perfect man, for no man can match the perfection of Jesus Christ. However, a “good” man will strive for spiritual excellence just the same.
Is there some sort of standard by which a man’s character can be measured? YES – the Word of God.
If he beats you – abuses you – cheats, lies, deceives, he is not a good man.
The Excellence of Love
If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.
“When he was in a rage and beating Christy, Sir says he did want her to die. “I had every intention to take her life. I felt like I had power and control over something in my life,” Sir says. “It made me feel invincible.”
“Luckily, Christy survived the abuse.”
NOTE: It is very difficult to recognize a “good” man if you never had an example of a “good” man in your life. One of the mistakes we make is to rush into relationships. A warning sign that you are headed for trouble is a man rushing you into a relationship. When we grow up with bad examples of manhood, we tend to date men who mimic what we saw at home. It is erroneously assumed that all men will treat women this way, and many women accept the abuse as “normal.”
Another mistake is – we do not take time to know ourselves. If we have unresolved baggage from the past, we carry the pain into relationships. Unfortunately, we subconsciously expect our mates to “heal” us, and that is impossible. This applies to both men and women.
Because many of us grew up with dysfunction in our homes, we tend to feel empty in relationships if there is no drama. Therefore, we create it – or recreate what we witnessed at home as children. Men know when a woman is “needy,” and if he has evil intentions you will suffer.
Sadly, some women grow up with godly fathers, and witness what a “good” man should be like – and they gravitate towards “bad boys.” Yes, “bad boys” have been labeled “exciting.” But too often, the excitement is drama in disguise. Unfortunately, many “good” guys are labeled as “nerdy” or “boring.” They usually work hard, own homes, and live stable lives. “Bad boys” often live off their women, prostitute them, beat them, and make life miserable.
Take time to know him or her. If something is for you, you will have it.
“i know all of you guys are saying leave him but its not easy!!
i cant just leave him i want to help him if i just leave him how will he ever change i am his wife and want him to be a better person, can anyone just understand that?”
“What do I do if my husband hits me just because he is anger, but I can’t leave him because I love him very much.”
“And He was saying, ‘That which proceeds out of the man that is what defiles the man. For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride and foolishness. All these evil things proceed from within and defile the man” (verses 20-23). To this list we can add violence, physical and verbal abuse, mistreatment of others.
The person who commits murder is acting out what is in his heart. Adultery is in the heart. Deceit is in the heart. Pride is in the heart. Evil is in the heart. Domestic violence and abuse are in the hearts of those who are defiled from within.
“This grim made-for-TV domestic drama examines the terrible effects caused by spousal abuse. The story centers on the mental and physical battering endured by a wife at the hands of her troubled husband.”
Regular visits to their home from the police, three broken ribs, hospitalization and many beatings wasn’t enough for her to leave. It wasn’t until her abusive husband threw their young son across the room that she finally started to see the light. This is a woman who thought she had a “good” man, and kept making excuses for his abusing her. She blamed herself, as much as he blamed her for everything that went wrong. A MUST SEE!
The Danger Assessment helps to determine the level of danger an abused woman has of being killed by her intimate partner. It is free and available to the public. Using the Danger Assessment requires the weighted scoring and interpretation that is provided after completing the training. The Danger Assessment is available in a variety of languages.
Is Your Date an Abuser? Learn the Signs Before It’s Too Late
“Tony says it felt like he “blacked out” during the abuse. “You don’t understand what’s going on,” he says. “I completely own up to [what I did], but in that rage, it’s like your brain wires, they aren’t clicking.”
“He says being in an abusive relationship is like being in a drug addiction. “It becomes like your bond in the sense that the woman is like cocaine inside of that relationship. That’s the only connection you have, because there’s no real love,” he says. “In order to overcome it, it’s almost like you have to separate, go to rehab, move out of the dope house and never come back.”
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