By Terry Loving
Psalm 55:19 “God, who is enthroned forever, will hear them and afflict them–Selah men who never change their ways and have no fear of God.”
One of my readers submitted a comment via my website, and graciously allowed me to post a public response. I am grateful. Thank you!
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“Comment: I have been wondering far too often now if God will punish my abuser? I know it doesn’t make the past go away nor does it take away the pain yet I need some small comfort to know that he will be punished for hurting me, my kid and his child. Yet as I am suffering he is living a happy life. How is that right or fair and why is God not helping me and punishing him? I would like a reply please, thank you and God Bless.”
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It is not uncommon to wonder if God will exercise Divine retribution on our behalf. When we are wronged, in the case of domestic violence and abuse for instance – it is only natural to desire revenge, even if it only comes from God Himself. We may not have the physical capacity to inflict pain upon those who abused us, but we often imagine someone else doing the job for us. And in numerous cases, the abused have male family members and friends that make sure the abuser is punished the same way he hurt their loved one.
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Somehow we imagine that the suffering of former abusers will satisfy our souls. Seeing them with new loves and seemingly living happy lives infuriate us to the core – we think it unfair! Our thoughts continually are on the abusers, and awaiting the news that some tragedy has befallen them for the horrible things they did to us. Many abused persons keep in touch with friends and family of the abusers when the relationship ends. They may treasure those connections, however, they serve as a source of information – perhaps you were told the abuser fell down the stairs and broke his neck – “good!”
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Speaking from personal experience, when my ex verbal abuser was stricken with cancer, I felt sorry for him. We had no contact for quite a while, and I certainly had no desire to rekindle any type of friendship. I was with a mutual friend when our paths crossed one day. As I moved on I learned to stop hating him, and focused on my kids and our future. When I saw him in person that day, it was plain to see how cancer was eating him alive. Funny though, I felt no need to rejoice, but hoped that he had repented for all the wrong that he had done. I wish hell on no one – it is forever.
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While it is natural to feel anger for the abuse, we must not wallow too long on the negative. For our own sakes, both in the natural and the spiritual, we should acknowledge how we feel, get help if needed, and ask God to help us to heal and move on. Never should we seek revenge or try our hand at revenge for vengeance belongs to God alone:
New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord.”
New Living Translation (©2007)
“Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the LORD.”
Deuteronomy 32:35 ”It is mine to avenge; I will repay. In due time their foot will slip; their day of disaster is near and their doom rushes upon them.”
Proverbs 20:22 “Do not say, “I’ll pay you back for this wrong!” Wait for the LORD, and he will deliver you.”
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There are many more scriptures that speak to Gods’ wrath and vengeance – we must heed them for our own good. But know this, even when we think those thoughts in our hearts, we are displeasing to God. When God pays back, there is no jail time, no punishment from the law or getting sued. He knows what can happen to us, and that is why His vengeance is best – who can refute it?
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When we assume that our abusers are living better lives, and are happy while we are miserable, this may not be the case at all. Of course they are going to put on a front for you. They are too proud to admit to making a mistake. That is why abusers come back many times. They cheat on you while beating you, but find that the other woman isn’t half the woman you are and they want to come back. Unfortunately, the abuse returns along with them.
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It is natural also to want abusers to suffer, especially if you are suffering – financially and in every way imaginable. It isn’t unheard of that an abused woman flees from her home and stays in a shelter while the abuser remains comfortably in the house they once shared. I would be angry as well. How could that be “fair,” for the woman and her child or children to be homeless and the abuser’s comfort zone has not changed – it happens.
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When all we experience is anger and bitterness, we cannot see God and His Divine hand leading us. We can be so full of anger that He says “Go left,” and we go right. When we are consumed with God punishing the abuser for his evil, our minds are clouded, and we are not listening to the prompting of the Holy Spirit. We are on the mental frequency of hell, allowing Satan to fill our hearts and minds with thoughts of revenge. Therefore, we miss opportunities to move forward, and make better lives for ourselves and our children. It may be difficult, but staying in abuse in much worst. Millions of abused women have found new lives and new love by the Grace of God. But how can He work miracles in our lives when our hearts are stony and we keep looking back when He bids us to seek Him and look forward.
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Rest assured that all abusers will pay for their wrong in some way. But also know that all human beings will stand before a Righteous Judge someday and give an account for the things that we have done on earth:
Matthew 12:36 “But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken.”
Ecclesiastes 12:14 “For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil.”
Jeremiah 16:17 “My eyes are on all their ways; they are not hidden from me, nor is their sin concealed from my eyes.”
Matthew 12:37 “For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.”
Romans 14:12 “So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God.”
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We must not consume ourselves with anger and resentment, and learn to focus on Jesus Christ. He is our Hope in this dark world, and without Him, we can do nothing. God is a God of justice – He will set things right with the world in His own time:
New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD.”
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“Comment: I have been wondering far too often now if God will punish my abuser?”
Please leave this matter in the hands of God, and learn to trust Him. God is not a respecter of persons. He hates the sin, but he still loves the sinner. The sun shines on the just and the unjust alike:
King James 2000 Bible (©2003)
“That you may be the children of your Father who is in heaven: for he makes his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.”
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“Comment: I know it doesn’t make the past go away nor does it take away the pain yet I need some small comfort to know that he will be punished for hurting me, my kid and his child.”
Rest assured that in some way, your abuser will pay for what he has done, especially to the children. Your “comfort” should rest in knowing and trusting God. Let go of these thoughts so that you can hear His voice to help guide and direct your life. It is more important to know that you and your children are safe, and on the road to healing. Life will be a challenge for a while, but you will miss your miracle by clouding your mind with these thoughts. Let them go please. Surrender them to the Righteous Judge:
American King James Version
“God judges the righteous, and God is angry with the wicked every day.”
Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
You may not see or experience this now, but you will – just keep trusting, serving and loving God with all of your might.
1 Thessalonians 5:24 “The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.”
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“Comment: Yet as I am suffering he is living a happy life.”
You really do not know if “he is living a happy life.” You will only see what he wants you to see. And his new love, well, it is just a matter of time before she will experience what you have. Don’t be fooled by what you think you see. Focus on your own life, and rejoice that you are free. Work on freeing your mind, and you will experience life as you have never before. It does get better, and it is always “darkest before dawn.”
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“Comment: How is that right or fair and why is God not helping me and punishing him?”
Unfortunately, nothing in this life is “right” or “fair.” Life has uneven ways that boggles the mind, and often crushes the spirit. However, with Christ “all things are possible.” Do you believe? We have to desire the things that God desires in order to have true peace in this world.
New International Version (©1984)
“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”
New Living Translation (©2007)
“Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.”
International Standard Version (©2008)
“Throw all your worry on him, because he cares for you.”
GOD’S WORD® Translation (©1995)
“Turn all your anxiety over to God because he cares for you.”
Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
Matthew 6:31 “So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?”
Matthew 6:27 “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?”
Matthew 6:28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.”
Matthew 6:25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?”
Psalm 55:22 “Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.”
Proverbs 16:3 “Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.”
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Forgiveness is on my list of topics to write about soon. For now, know that forgiveness is more for your sake, and not the offender. Also, forgiveness does not mean that you have to interact with those who have hurt you. It releases the shackles on your soul so that you can move forward – you can forgive through prayer. You can learn to love from a distance. But I will get back to this topic. In the meantime, I sincerely hope this helps.
New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.”
A WORD OF CAUTION:
Do not rejoice when your enemy falls,
And do not let your heart be glad when he stumbles;
Or the LORD will see it and be displeased,
And turn His anger away from him.
Peace
No amount of love will ever stop the abuse.
“The punishment of the wicked is often delayed to a future world, and in this life they have almost uninterrupted prosperity, but in the end it will be certain. See Psalm 73:1-19. The punishment will come in the end. It cannot be evaded. Sooner or later justice requires that the wicked should be visited with the expressions of divine displeasure on account of sin, and in the future world there will be ample time for the infliction of all the punishment which they deserve”. Barnes’ Notes on the Bible
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“FORGIVE AND FORGET” – IS IT POSSIBLE?
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Why Men Abuse Women
“Tony says it felt like he “blacked out” during the abuse. “You don’t understand what’s going on,” he says. “I completely own up to [what I did], but in that rage, it’s like your brain wires, they aren’t clicking.”
“He says being in an abusive relationship is like being in a drug addiction. “It becomes like your bond in the sense that the woman is like cocaine inside of that relationship. That’s the only connection you have, because there’s no real love,” he says. “In order to overcome it, it’s almost like you have to separate, go to rehab, move out of the dope house and never come back.”
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Praying for God’s Justice – by Jeff Crippen
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When People Hurt You How to Respond When People Hurt You
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ABUSERS – GOD IS NOT LISTENING TO YOU!
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The Abuser’s Evil Demands for Forgiveness – by Jeff Crippen and Anna Wood
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12 Hours of Terror: Conn. Woman Held Hostage by Arsonist Ex
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Related articles
- Trials and Tribulations, or Suffering for Wrong Doing? (ssofdv.wordpress.com)
- Witnessing Abuse – What Would You Do? (ssofdv.wordpress.com)
- Her Son Beats His Pregnant Girlfriend (ssofdv.wordpress.com)
- Free from the Stronghold of Vengeance (polamuzyka.wordpress.com)
- Abusers – Are They Evil? (ssofdv.wordpress.com)
- Black Women and Domestic Violence (ssofdv.wordpress.com)
- Domestic Violence and Abuse Sermons (ssofdv.wordpress.com)
- Learning How to Recognize Abusive Relationship Signs (socyberty.com)
http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org
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The End of the Wicked Contrasted with That of the Righteous.
A Psalm of Asaph.
Surely God is good to Israel,
To those who are pure in heart!
But as for me, my feet came close to stumbling,
My steps had almost slipped.
For I was envious of the arrogant
As I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
For there are no pains in their death,
And their body is fat.
They are not in trouble as other men,
Nor are they plagued like mankind.
Therefore pride is their necklace;
The garment of violence covers them.
Their eye bulges from fatness;
The imaginations of their heart run riot.
They mock and wickedly speak of oppression;
They speak from on high.
They have set their mouth against the heavens,
And their tongue parades through the earth.
Therefore his people return to this place,
And waters of abundance are drunk by them.
They say, “How does God know?
And is there knowledge with the Most High?”
Behold, these are the wicked;
And always at ease, they have increased in wealth.
Surely in vain I have kept my heart pure
And washed my hands in innocence;
For I have been stricken all day long
And chastened every morning.
If I had said, “I will speak thus,”
Behold, I would have betrayed the generation of Your children.
When I pondered to understand this,
It was troublesome in my sight
Until I came into the sanctuary of God;
Then I perceived their end.
Surely You set them in slippery places;
You cast them down to destruction.
How they are destroyed in a moment!
They are utterly swept away by sudden terrors!
Like a dream when one awakes,
O Lord, when aroused, You will despise their form.
When my heart was embittered
And I was pierced within,
Then I was senseless and ignorant;
I was like a beast before You.
Nevertheless I am continually with You;
You have taken hold of my right hand.
With Your counsel You will guide me,
And afterward receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but You?
And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
For, behold, those who are far from You will perish;
You have destroyed all those who are unfaithful to You.
But as for me, the nearness of God is my good;
I have made the Lord GOD my refuge,
That I may tell of all Your works.
No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.
© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009-2013
All rights reserved.
Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence 
Ashes2jewels@hotmail.com
January 13, 2013 at 2:57 am
I totally get what is being said. I tell it to myself all the time. Most days, I feel lucky and kinda honored that I KNOW I have God while my ex resents judgement of his actions, even “a supposed God’s”(his words, not mine, he’s and athiest). Everything he did to me, how he broke and “fixed” my core me. When I finally broke free, he was up for crimes. He was being confronted and people were scrutinizing the answers for his crime.
Then he walked. He passed a psych exam so perfectly, his tester believed all we needed was a little marriage counseling. Yes. Go to therapy with my rapist. The things he did, the sheer abominations of his acts and demands. I read journal entries from the period I was married and I constantly read lines of thankfulness, love. I wrote how grateful I was to him for not bullying me even as I described things that were beyond bullying. I was even baffled when a shrink once blamed my problems not on OCD but a bad marriage! What I hate most though? I was molested and abused growing up, he knew it cause that’s what he was “fixing”, knew it was why he scared me so much over things “normal people don’t freak out at”. He knew ALL the ugly details
Yet he told everyone he never knew. He cried because he couldn’t believe I never said anything. When our divorce went to high gear, I confronted him on that.
And he calmly informed me I never told him.
How does a someone forget that the person they profess love of was molested and abused?
I can’t answer that. All I know is I have to deal with him because of our children. I struggle so hard with healing, he can bring me to panic just by seeing him when I am not prepared for it you know. I struggle because it took so long to believe what he did to me was rape and my suffering wasn’t from me being a monster thinking wrong thoughts about him. The only wrong thoughts and only monster was him and his demands.
Why would God pass on making a grossly immoral atheist answer for his crimes when the question was asked? Why do I have to see him, hear his voice, be afraid and plan a defense against what he will do next? Why do all my preparations still never include what he actually ends up doing to me, just like when were married?
I can’t answer that but most days I’m over needing one. I got God. But.
If what he did was wrong, if his true self was so repugnant to God-
If I am finally, finally thinking right-
Why do I have to face him still?
I absolutely don’t want to think this is punishment. I suffered so much already but I’ve repented. Why would God accept that repentance and still throw me into a ring to face the man? God doesn’t continue to allow His children to suffer beyond the moment of repentance and salvation so why?
I want to believe my thoughts are right and I am saved.
It’s just hard to do when I find myself looking into his eyes, belatedly see he smoothly invaded my apartment again.
God, you say for us to flee his kind. How do you expect me to when I am bound to this place by my sons?
ssofdv
January 14, 2013 at 2:18 pm
Hello Ashes2jewels,
I am going to try to answer your questions to the best of my ability. Whatever I say is meant to help, not harm.
I totally get what is being said. I tell it to myself all the time. Most days, I feel lucky and kinda honored that I KNOW I have God while my ex resents judgement of his actions, even “a supposed God’s”(his words, not mine, he’s and athiest). Everything he did to me, how he broke and “fixed” my core me. When I finally broke free, he was up for crimes. He was being confronted and people were scrutinizing the answers for his crime.
Then he walked. He passed a psych exam so perfectly, his tester believed all we needed was a little marriage counseling. Yes. Go to therapy with my rapist. The things he did, the sheer abominations of his acts and demands. I read journal entries from the period I was married and I constantly read lines of thankfulness, love. I wrote how grateful I was to him for not bullying me even as I described things that were beyond bullying. I was even baffled when a shrink once blamed my problems not on OCD but a bad marriage!
What I hate most though? I was molested and abused growing up, he knew it cause that’s what he was “fixing”, knew it was why he scared me so much over things “normal people don’t freak out at”. He knew ALL the ugly details
I have experienced molestation and abuse growing up as well – no human could or has the power to “fix” me. Only God brought me through and gave me strength to carry on with life. When we look to other human beings to fix our broken past, we are setting ourselves and the “fixer” up for failure. It is impossible.
Yet he told everyone he never knew. He cried because he couldn’t believe I never said anything. When our divorce went to high gear, I confronted him on that. And he calmly informed me I never told him. How does a someone forget that the person they profess love of was molested and abused?
He did not forget what you told him. Saying thus indicates that he is admitting that he could not “fix” you, so it is easier to say he was not informed. Lying is also a common trait of abusers. They will do whatever it takes to protect their so-called character. Trust me, emotional damage from your childhood experiences were exploited by your abuser. Your past pain made you vulnerable to his mistreatment.
I can’t answer that. All I know is I have to deal with him because of our children. I struggle so hard with healing, he can bring me to panic just by seeing him when I am not prepared for it you know. I struggle because it took so long to believe what he did to me was rape and my suffering wasn’t from me being a monster thinking wrong thoughts about him. The only wrong thoughts and only monster was him and his demands.
Somewhere, somehow – with the help of God – you will need to find strength. As long as you allow his presence to affect you – and he knows it – you will continue to suffer. Not because he is inflicting more pain directly, but you are hurting yourself by allowing him to still possess power and control over your mind. Until you harness your thoughts, and take back your power and inner strength, he will always control you even when he is not around.
Why would God pass on making a grossly immoral atheist answer for his crimes when the question was asked?
Why are you assuming that God is overlooking the sins of “a grossly immoral atheist?” God’s ways are not our ways, and His thoughts are not our thoughts. We must be careful not to overstep our boundaries when it comes to God’s judgment. What is most important is not that the trespasser is punished, but knowing that our own trespasses have been forgiven. God will deal with wrong in His own time, and in His own way.
Deuteronomy 32:35 “It is mine to avenge; I will repay. In due time their foot will slip; their day of disaster is near and their doom rushes upon them.”
Why do I have to see him, hear his voice, be afraid and plan a defense against what he will do next? Why do all my preparations still never include what he actually ends up doing to me, just like when were married?
As long as he has visitation rights to his children, you may have to continue seeing his face. As far as being “afraid,” he has a stronghold over your mind, and he knows it. Perhaps you should trust more in God than yourself. When we try to do things our way, we fail. I understand what you are saying, but it is God who gives us wisdom to overcome the enemy. You cannot predict evil and what will happen next. But you can fortify your soul against it, and use the law if necessary.
I can’t answer that but most days I’m over needing one. I got God. But.
If what he did was wrong, if his true self was so repugnant to God-If I am finally, finally thinking right-Why do I have to face him still?
American King James Version (Romans 3:10)
“As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one:” God is not a puppeteer. God gave us free will to choose whom we would marry. He also allows us to learn from our mistakes. Otherwise, how would we know not to repeat them? Too often we get angry with our Creator for we do not see Him as we should. In our minds, we bring a Righteous God down to our level, and expect Him to do our bidding when we have desires. He does not operate that way.
“If I am finally, finally thinking right-Why do I have to face him still?”
I absolutely don’t want to think this is punishment. I suffered so much already but I’ve repented. Why would God accept that repentance and still throw me into a ring to face the man? God doesn’t continue to allow His children to suffer beyond the moment of repentance and salvation so why?
You have the wrong knowledge of Almighty God. You are still connected to your ex by way of your children. In many cases, divorced people stay connected because of shared wealth, such as property etc. God is blamed too often when humans make the wrong choices in life and suffer for them. We have free will, and God did not make any of us marry or connect with our mates – we chose for ourselves. You chose your mate. Repentance has nothing to do with your connection to your former husband, but it has everything to do with your connection to Jesus Christ and eternal salvation.
God did not “throw” you “into a ring to face the man?” YOU married him, not God! YOU chose to have children with this man. YOU chose to tell him about your past abuse and YOU are the one who expected him to “fix” you.
“God doesn’t continue to allow His children to suffer beyond the moment of repentance and salvation so why?”
I do not know where you got this idea, but it is not Biblical. We often suffer by our own hands.
New American Standard Bible (©1995) (1 Peter 3:17)
“For it is better, if God should will it so, that you suffer for doing what is right rather than for doing what is wrong.”
1 Peter 1:6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.
1 Peter 2:20 But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God.
1 Peter 4:19 So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.
NOW – these Scriptures do not endorse suffering at the hands of abusers. They speak of Christians suffering from ungodly people in the world. This does not refer to abused persons suffering domestic abuse, especially among the people of God.
I want to believe my thoughts are right and I am saved.
It’s just hard to do when I find myself looking into his eyes, belatedly see he smoothly invaded my apartment again.
God, you say for us to flee his kind. How do you expect me to when I am bound to this place by my sons?
I am going to try to condense my remaining responses. For you to blame God for your present circumstances is wrong. Until you change your perspective and stop blaming God when evil walks into your life and apartment, you will never find peace. If a restraining order will not help you, you must find another way to keep your ex from crossing your threshold. You have to find courage – the kind that God will give you to handle this situation. If you continue to think this way, then nothing I can say will help you. No one will be able to help you.
Salvation does not exempt us from suffering in this world.
Thank you for your comment.
Peace
Ashes2jewels@hotmail.com
January 15, 2013 at 12:45 am
I am sorry if I came across as blaming God. I read the original post and it spoke to me in a very deep, vulnerable spot in my heart. I read it when I was hurting really bad, flashing back. This was just me wanting to get these doubts and pains out among people I thought would understand. Especially those who believe in God and our savior Jesus. I learned through therapy just saying it all aloud can be a good salve and by going to church, reaching out, i learned not to be ashamed of the things that are whispered when I am vulnerable. Denying and hiding it nearly killed me while admission and praying for help has healed me of so much. The words above are an echo of the terrible place it was.
As I said, I do not mean to come across as blaming God. When I came back to Him, I was nothing but honest and acknowledged my full measure of blame to those I turned to within the church I had chosen as my last shot at finding my way back to God. What I have to be honest about is so shaming though, I prepared myself as best I could so I would NOT blame God if the person was repulsed or condemning of me. For three and a half years I was quite seriously afraid I was damned and dead to God for choosing my ex.
I don’t know what I intended in posting this. I have PTSD and I just didn’t want to be alone with my past. My biggest fear right now is that I’ll fall away from God again or wrong thinking will sneak up on me. I didn’t wake up one morning to find myself close to complete destruction or up and decided God wasn’t cool enough for me anymore. It was subtle, painful and as unlikely as you think, I really didn’t understand what was happening to me for a long time.
I guess maybe I just wanted to admit a moment of pain and weakness and doubt and maybe get a reply from another Christian woman further in her recovery that understands. That can say it gets better with devotion, faith, time. A lot of my shame back then was because I had been a long time saved Christian. It would have been nice to know there are other strong Christians that were once in the trap I described.
Are there any, though? I am doing so, so much better than my therapist or minister could easily believe. I can’t begin to detail all the blessings and aid I’ve had since I broke free. Like David says in many Psalms-I know I am blessed and You, God, provides for me so why am I depressed? In all these blessings and provisions, why do I feel so heavy? David talked a lot about that kind of thing. I know it wasn’t because he allowed himself to be abused. I know it was far more serious but I thought if such a man as David was plagued…
Thank you for taking the time to reply. You wrote with wisdom and backed it up scripturally.
ssofdv
January 15, 2013 at 8:24 am
Hello Ashes2jewels,
No need to apologize. And I apologize if it appeared that I came down hard on your comment.
I am very sorry for your pain. And I understand the need to be real with your-self. A part of healing in my opinion is taking responsibility for our part in whatever causes us pain. Sometimes it is just evil people being evil. But when it comes to relationships, we do have choice and exercise our free will to be a part of another’s life. My personal example would be rushing into marriage without taking more time, and finding out more about the person I was marrying. We are never the blame for the abuse.
You are doing well to not deny and cover up the things that happened to you. Acknowledging the wrongs can be very painful, especially when betrayed by those who are supposed to love you. And I do understand about being in a “terrible place” – been there. It takes a long time to gain strength to move on, and heal. You will never fully forget what happened to you, but you can move on in time, and experience healing. You must desire this.
One of the sad things I have learned about relying on humans to help me heal is this – they have their own baggage. They may not admit to it – but they often deny their own pain in life – pretending to have lived such perfect lives that I appeared flawed. This happens more in houses of worship – and Christians can be very cold at times. Our true source of strength is God and a good therapist if we can afford one. If you have a good Christian friend, that works too.
And I do understand you not wanting to “be alone” with your past. For a very long time I longed for someone to share my pain with – but found that most people do not care about the pain of others. Like Job’s friends, they view you as being punished by God when something bad happens in your life. And they of course do not suffer because they do no wrong – YEAH RIGHT!
And yes, it does get better with time, devotion and a relationship with our Creator. Reading Scriptures and owning those that speak to our lives is priceless. For me, it also took looking outside of myself. Meaning, possessing a desire to do good in this dark world has always been on my heart. When I started looking outward to find my place, my reason for existence, sought God’s wisdom and direction – I started to heal more. Again, speaking of myself – I had to face things as they truly were – accept my part – and grow closer to God. Walking away from Him is not the answer. Of course, that is what the devil wants you to do – and then you would be eternally lost.
We only think God isn’t “cool enough” when we cannot get Him to do our bidding. As I have stated previously, He is not our puppet.
“In all these blessings and provisions, why do I feel so heavy? David talked a lot about that kind of thing. I know it wasn’t because he allowed himself to be abused. I know it was far more serious but I thought if such a man as David was plagued…”
Feeling “heavy” has many reasons – and one is spiritual oppression. The wrong thinking does not come from God – but from the enemy – Satan. When we are striving for healing and sanity we must heed the Word of God if we are to be successful:
New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.” (Philippians 4:8)
David’s struggles was one of many that showed us that God cares for us – even when we mess up. Read the Psalms over and over again and gain strength through his experiences. Apply those Scriptures to your life, and pray Scriptures- own them. David was a man after God’s own heart – this is how we must be in order to experience a true loving relationship with One who will love us when others do not.
You must decide, are you going to continue to allow Satan to control your thoughts or God. Whenever you have a wrong thought, combat it with a Scripture. And the only way you can do that is stay close to God and read and study His Word. I fear that too many people see Christianity as God as a genie in the sky, and we get our own personal magic lamp when we become Christians. When we rub and rub and rub and nothing happens that pleases us, we view the lamp and the genie worthless. Once you gain a right view of God, your life will change.
You can chat with me anytime, terry@spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org.
Peace
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The Armor of God
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. Stand firm therefore, HAVING GIRDED YOUR LOINS WITH TRUTH, and HAVING PUT ON THE BREASTPLATE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS, and having shod YOUR FEET WITH THE PREPARATION OF THE GOSPEL OF PEACE; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. And take THE HELMET OF SALVATION, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. (Ephesians 6:10-17)
eahill58
January 22, 2013 at 7:11 am
Hi i am one of those women you talk about as being further down the road of healing from Domestic Violence and abuse,at one time God took me through the abuse i experienced and showed me He was there, and i was never alone!
I have to accept the blame for disobeying God and rushing into situations, relationships really where i was abused, and my children were scared i would be killed.
Just a few practical things,about him having to come to your home to get the children, what worked really well for me was to have him collect the children from somewhere else,his parents collected them. I was like you and was overcome with fear when he came to the House, and he would come inside despite being told not to, i needed my home to be a safe place, so do you.As Terry says you could get a restraining order, and if he comes into your home he will be arrested.
I understand your anger,and the fact that they dont seem to be punished is very hard,my ex has been turning up at friends houses for years, i have had to give up friends, and recently he has strated going to my daughters house , and my church,i have felt so angry he can do this, and to everyone else he seems such a great guy! In church he is now so well liked, and respected for his help in the church !!!..i want to scream very very loudly, ‘he’s a fake, a wife beater and raped me!….
One thing that always makes me laugh is that ABUSERS END UP ALONE, AND UNLOVED! no one puts up with them for long, and when their looks fade,they lose their teeth, who would want them anyway!!!There is a Bob Dylan song which says ‘old men with broken teeth, lonely without love’!!
I am surrounded by my childrens love,their Dad said once to me ‘i cant wait til my boys are grown up and they can see what you are really like’ they are grown up, neither of them can stand him!!!.. sweet revenge? yes sometimes, but they have missed out on a decent Dad….
My Ex used to say to me,’ i dont need to listen to you, i always know what you are going to say’, so de-humanising, humiliating,and sometimes years later when I ran a Bible study and Christian meeting i would have a little chuckle to myself, as people there listened to me, and respected my opinion!
Life does get better,God has not abandoned you,dont turn away from Him when you are hurting, He is only a word away. You have survived, you will survive, and have a wonderful life, God bless you, i am Praying for you
ssofdv
January 22, 2013 at 10:15 pm
Hello eahill58,
Thank you so much for your input, it is always appreciated.
Peace
sanjana manipatruni
January 17, 2013 at 5:28 am
Dear,
am seeking help from India. Since frm last 1 year am in deep love with my boyfrnd, Bt recently 5 months before we both are sexually met, bt know he doesnt wanna to marry me y becoz he says tat he just want to remember as if a sweet memory.Bt he is happy, now he doesn’t want to talk with me.bt am suffering a lot tat how a person can change his attitude so early. Is god punishing me and helping to my boy frnd. plz suggest.
ssofdv
January 18, 2013 at 4:36 pm
When God tells us to flee fornication, it is not because He is against sex – but the sin of fornication. He knows what heartbreak it can bring as you are experiencing right now. He knows that too many men will only tell you they love you because they want your body. He knows that unwanted pregnancies end in abortion – taking an innocent life. He knows that evil sensual souls care only about gratification and nothing more.
I am sorry you have been hurt by this experience – but please learn from it. This guy doesn’t want anything to do with you now because he got what he wanted – sexual pleasure. Sorry if the truth hurts, but it is true just the same.
Is God “punishing” you? Never! He was trying to save you and all of us from this type of grief and pain. You are suffering because you have feelings for this guy, and he was not about a relationship with you. Giving your body to him was not a guarantee of a relationship or marriage. Any man that can coax a woman or young girl to have sex and then walk away is not a man. He is ungodly and sinful and will have to answer to God someday as we all shall.
Once you have sex with someone, a strong spiritual, physical, and emotional bond is born. There is an attachment that is hard to break, and separation leaves a void within your soul. Sex created a bond that God intended to be shared within marriage. God created sex, and it was given not only for procreation, but to seal the bond of marriage – till death do you part. When you have sex with someone, you give a part of your soul to another. The best analogy of closeness I can give is that of mother and child. Mother and child bond during pregnancy for a lifetime. Even if parents mistreat or neglect their children, that bond will always be there.
Please take care of yourself, and treat your body like gold. Jesus redeemed us with the cost of His blood.
Peace
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King James Bible (Cambridge Ed.)
“Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.”
Nishant singh (@nishkumar88)
August 1, 2013 at 1:33 pm
Hello friend, I m from India. In the year 2009 I met a girl who completely changed my life, she loved me a lot and so do I. She told me the real meaning of love. We were in love for almost 2 years, she was everything for me, we had a sexual relationship as well. But last year she ditched me badly, she abused me and my family just because I am not very rich and handsome. I spent all my time and respect for her every single smile, but she left for another guy. Today everyone knows about all this, and thy laugh at me. Some of them came tome and said “your ex was going with another guy”, they say this in a laughing manner. I know I must have some faults, may be unintentionally but I am broken after this incident. Since childhood, I have been abused and ignored by people. People used to laugh at me, But I never argued or fought with anybody, I know God is having his eyes on each one of us. But when will God listen to me??
ssofdv
August 2, 2013 at 12:48 pm
Hello Nishant singh,
I am very sorry to hear of your pain. Rejection is very hurtful, and not easily dealt with. The most common reaction to rejection is asking ourselves, “What is wrong with me?” “What did I do wrong?” We tend to seek truth or reasons for actions within ourselves, and rarely consider that the other parties involved may hold the key. In other words, we tend to think if our hearts are true – the hearts of others are the same.
Unfortunately, most people have their priorities in the wrong place when it comes to relationships. If your girlfriend left you because this other guy has more money and can give her more things, in the long run she will not be happy. She will become his slave in a sense, and he will control her life. She may be happy for a little while, but eventually she will not enjoy the fruits of being in chains.
People can be very cruel and ignorant. When you are teased because she is with another guy, even though it may hurt – laugh with them. Don’t let them bring you down, and don’t let them know they can hurt you by their words. When you agree with their ignorant words it takes away their power.
I am sorry to hear you were abused. I do understand, been there, even as a child. I have been ignored as well. Sometimes people cannot see the good in others for they only see themselves. You probably are a very good person, and you should focus on making your life the best that it can be. Many people who are rejected spend much time alone, but this is when God can change our lives – He has our full attention. This is when we can grow closer to Him, and fully submit to His Will and most of all, His love. Some amazing things can happen when God is all we have.
If you are a child of God, He listens to you all the time. If there is a delay or what seems to be in “No” in response to your prayers, perhaps what you are seeking is not to your benefit. Ask Him to show you His will for your life, you will be much contented and at peace.
Now is the time to focus within and seek those special abilities that God has placed within you. Who knows, you may contribute something to society that will cause those who laugh at you to feel shame. Rise above the ignorance. You will not be the only lonely person in this world. But your response to it makes all the difference. Be strong!
Pray
Anonymous
March 30, 2021 at 6:33 pm
This writer appears to not be STILL suffering the consequences of the abuse (possible homelessness, brain injury, STD, children taken from them, etc.) The “forgive and forget” mentality is not for the ones whose lives have been permanently altered by the abuse.
It is ok to pray for Justice and Vindication, so don’t let this “lucky” victim convince you otherwise.
Anonymous
March 30, 2021 at 6:41 pm
Also, it’s BS to assume we can’t see God in anger and bitterness……that is when He was the closest to me, so just be real with Him; He can handle it.
Don’t you think He knows when we put on fake, rose-colored glasses, to appear “holy” and “good”?
This article is poor advice for those STILL suffering SUBSTANTIAL effects from the abuse.
ssofdv
September 25, 2021 at 12:52 pm
I am very sorry you didn’t find this article helpful. It is my hope that you may find the answers you are seeking in other blogs. And it is my prayer that you will find help for the “anger and bitterness” that you are suffering. Yes, God is there when we hurt badly, and there is no need to fake anything because He already knows what is in our hearts. Peace be unto you always.
ssofdv
September 25, 2021 at 12:39 pm
Trust me, you never fully “get over” experiencing abuse and the consequences. The memories will remain as well as some forms of physical issues such as permanent injury. This article is not about forgiving and forgetting. I never suggested that at all. And I never said it isn’t OK to pray for “Justice and Vindication.” In Luke 18:3 a widow asked, “Avenge me of my adversary.” It is when we take revenge into our own hands that we find ourselves in positions that are not favorable such as getting arrested.
And I don’t consider myself as a “lucky victim.” You have no idea what my life has been like – no idea at all. It is OK to be angry considering what you have suffered. But it is not OK to take your anger out on those who have not wronged you in any way. Your assumptions concerning my life are way off base.
My faith has brought me to a point where I can now help others. I have known domestic violence and abuse from my childhood up, and at age 70 the memories are still there. I do have a ton of experience with this evil. My life has been deeply affected by what I witnessed and experienced. The triggers will always be there – a movie, song, or something someone says. They never go away.
You are always welcome to post here at any time. But please don’t attack other people who have not wronged you. Making assumptions about the lives of others isn’t fair. It is my hope that somehow you will find inner peace. It makes a big difference in terms of finding the help you need and recovery to the point of being able to see the sun shine a little more.
Anonymous
March 30, 2021 at 6:49 pm
What about the saying in the bible “When Justice comes it is a joy for the righteous, but a terror for evildoers “?
This article actually did more harm than good in my opinion, and victums of severe, ongoing abuse will only feel worse after reading this.
ssofdv
September 25, 2021 at 11:39 am
Hello and thank you for your comment. First I would like to apologize for my late reply. The first of this year left our family in mourning. Covid took several of our loved ones and with 4 deaths back to back, it was difficult to think about much at the time. So please forgive me.
It is my hope that the following will clear up the interpretation of this particular Scripture, Proverbs 21:15. As humans we desire to know that those who have harmed us in some way will be punished somehow. And in that knowing, we often feel that rejoicing is the best reaction – “Ha! Good for you!” But I don’t think this particular Scripture is speaking of this kind of “joy.”
Gill’s Exposition of the Entire Bible
“It is joy to the, last to do judgment,…. It is with pleasure he does it; he delights in the law of God, after the inward man, and finds much peace of mind and joy in the Holy Ghost in keeping it, and observing its commands, which are holy, just, and good; yea, it gives him pleasure to see justice done by others; both by private persons in their dealings with one another; and especially by judges putting the laws in execution, as their office requires; whereby much good comes to a nation in general, and to particular persons;”
…”but destruction shall be to the workers of iniquity; that make a trade of sinning; whose whole life is a continued series of sin and iniquity; who take much pains in committing sin, and are constant at it; everlasting destruction is in their ways, and they lead unto it: or, “terror” (a) shall be to them; terror of mind now at times, in opposition to the joy and peace a good man finds; and dreadful horror at death and to all eternity: or, as it is joy to a just man to see public justice done, and good laws put in execution, it is a terror to evildoers, Romans 13:3.”
Geneva Study Bible
“It is joy to the just to do judgment: but destruction shall be to the workers of iniquity.” You can read more at this link…https://biblehub.com/proverbs/21-15.htm
We don’t know the way abusers and those who wrong others will have to answer for what they do in life. If we constantly await their “punishment” – something we can witness with our own eyes or hear of from others, we forfeit any peace that is ours to have. What this post is about mostly is leaving the consequences of wrong doing in God’s hands and moving on with our lives the best we can. We may still experience the anger of abuse because it affects so many areas of our lives. But rest assured, we reap what we sow.
I hope this response clears up this Scripture.
Take care, Terry.