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I APOLOGIZED, NOW LET’S MOVE ON!

25 Jul

By Terry Loving

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“But because of your stubbornness and unrepentant heart you are storing up wrath for yourself in the day of wrath and revelation of the righteous judgment of God…”

2 Corinthians 5:10

“For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.”

NOTE: This post refers to both male and female abusers.

You dished out abuse for years, and now you expect that all will be forgiven and forgotten because you apologized. Never mind that you broke bones, smashed faces into walls, verbally abused – you said you were “sorry” and that should be the end of it. You had a revelation that you were losing control, so you decided to “change” – even if only to regain what you felt that you were losing. OK, benefit of the doubt – you may truly be on the path to real change, and now you are desperate to show your abused loved one that you are ready to be a better person. But something is wrong – your efforts are shunned – ignored – unwanted, and this makes you angry all over again.

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Your spouse no longer desires sex with you. Your boyfriend doesn’t return your phone calls. Your girlfriend avoids you, runs in another direction when she sees you coming. Your frustration mounts, you dish out ultimatums in hopes of holding onto your relationship, and all the while you are further alienating the love of your life – causing more fear than hope within their hearts. You messed up, and now after all is said and done; you expect that a few days, weeks, even months is enough to prove that you have truly changed.

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You expect the infidelities to be overlooked – the ugly words you spewed forth to vanish into thin air – the mistreatment to be treated as a mistake – and the beatings to prove how much you really care. You committed some of the vilest acts with your loved one, and yet – you say, “I love you.” After years of abuse, you are now ready to change, and you cannot understand why your spouse or partner won’t believe you. They are ready to walk out the door – you are ready to build up what you tore down – choosing to ignore the damage that was done on all accounts.

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Every day you make promises to never hit her anymore. You promise to never verbally abuse anymore. You promise to never abuse the children anymore. You promise to listen more. You promise to not publicly embarrass her anymore. You come home at night now – even help around the house. You dust off some of the broken promises made in the past, now desperately trying to make them a reality. And yet, your efforts seem to be in vain – “Why?” – You ask in confusion.

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Let me give it to your straight – no human being is built for abuse. You can kick a dog around for so long and eventually it will turn on you. Even animals have feelings. You ignored her feelings, her pain, her complaints, and her humanity – and now you expect things to be “normal” all because you apologized. It doesn’t work that way. When you expect, even demand that the abused partner should be ready to “move on” because you say so; you are still operating from a selfish heart.

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No human can see inside of your mind to know if you have really changed. And if you just wake up one day and announce, “I’ve changed!” – You are only deluding yourself. Change involves more than words, and repentance takes time to witness through actions and time. Abusers close the door to positive dialogue after they inflict hurt of any kind. Emotional walls are difficult to penetrate when a person has been betrayed by violence and abuse. And in most cases, infidelities are a huge part of domestic violence. For some reason, abusers feel entitled to cheat, and expect their mates to easily forgive and forget. Worst yet, abusers expect the abused to keep silent when they discover cheating. If not, many are beaten just for bringing up the subject.

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Once you erase a person’s personality, you are no longer dealing with the same person that you first met. You now sleep next to an empty shell – a damaged soul – a person who has lost all dignity and self-respect, one who even have thoughts of suicide just to escape your madness. You are now dealing with a person who struggles with esteem issues, guilt, and who often feels worthless – even to God. When you tell the abused, “I apologized, now let’s move on,” you are telling them that their feelings about themselves are accurate. You selfishly berate the unique person that God intended for them to be, and erroneously expect them to rejoice all because you apologized.

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How sincere was your apology anyway? Did you specifically apologize for slapping your wife? Or did you just say, “I am sorry for what happened?” Did you apologize for calling her a “fat pig,” or did you blame your wife for your outburst? I recently confronted an ex-friend concerning some hurtful things she said to me – one who in times past accused me of being “too sensitive.” Even though I told her specific wrongs, she dismissed them, never apologized for the hurt. Instead, she said, “I forgive you.” And to further add insult, she emailed me a sermon from Joyce Myers, which had nothing to do with being sorrowful for the things she said, and the demise of the friendship. Go figure.

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From that incident, I am convinced that many people do not possess genuine capabilities to recognize the pain they cause. Personally, I’d rather be “sensitive” than hard hearted and cold. Abusers do that you know, accuse you of being “too sensitive” when you cannot receive their abuse. When abusers lose control over one they often abused to make themselves feel better, they use guilt as a way of connecting with the abused for another round of evil intent.

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When you apologize for your abuse, and you do not seek counseling, or some type of accountability to another person, you are sending the message that your words should be good enough. In part, it was your words that caused the destruction of the relationship, so how do you figure that the abused should believe you now? Abused people cannot just “move on!” It takes time, change from both parties, healing, new directions, repentance, and a host of other actions that will not make a difference over-night.

Most of all, without God, and repenting to our Heavenly Father – first – there will be no change. In many cases, there will be no forgiveness. When your mate moves on, seeks others that accept them, and possibly seek other relationships – remember – your actions caused the divide. Whatever happens next – divorce – separation – loss of family, etc. is something that should have been thought out before the abuse started. If someone means that much to you, why would you hurt them in the first place?

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Domestic Violence Awareness Embroidered Patches
(click on picture for more)

When the abused arise from the ashes of pain, they are often stronger, wiser, and unafraid to go in another direction. Some of you abusers may truly be sorrowful for the pain you have caused, but there may come a time when you will have to let the wounded go. You cannot empty a soul, and fill it up again. Only God can do that. It would be wise to accept the fact that you are an abuser, and seek help. Attending church services and reading the Bible is not enough. Some of you do that for show. Only time, effort on your part to seek a heart change and God’s grace can truly change you. It begins with true repentance. How much are you willing to lose to ultimately gain?

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Can an abusive mate CHANGE
through only Bible study and prayer?

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Healing From Domestic Abuse – Do You Need the Abuser’s Apology for You to Heal?

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How Do I Stop Abusing My Wife

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SHOULD I FORGIVE MY ABUSER?

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WHAT’S GOOD ABOUT ANGER?

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The Batterer Is Responsible

“Even in the heat of anger, batterers make the choice to hit. They do not go “crazy” or “lose control”, but know who to hit, where to hit, when to hit, and how hard to hit, to accomplish their goals. Men in domestic violence treatment groups, when they are honest with themselves, admit they use arguments or stress as an excuse to use abusive tactics to control their partner.”

Proverbs 17:22 “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“A joyful heart makes a cheerful face, But when the heart is sad, the spirit is broken.”

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I Said I Was Sorry

by Mark Gungor on October 5th, 2009

“I hear tales all the time of men who have done hurtful things—huge things like having an affair or smaller things like saying something very mean and spiteful—and then they say, “I’m sorry” and expect it all to go away. When it doesn’t these guys get upset and throw it back on their wives because his wife “can’t get over it”. It just doesn’t work that way for women. Men need to learn that pushing her to “move on” isn’t the answer. The answer is for you to own the problem that you created.”

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http://spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.


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1 Comment

Posted by on July 25, 2011 in LIES AND DECEPTION

 

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One response to “I APOLOGIZED, NOW LET’S MOVE ON!

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