By Terry Loving
He almost killed you, and yet – you miss him. Your mind says, “RUN!” But your emotions are very much connected to your abuser, and you waver between leaving him alone, or taking him back. He apologizes, cries, and begs for another chance. The mirror doesn’t lie – you are scarred and bruised, but you miss him so much that you are willing to forgive and take him back.
Once you have sex with someone, a strong spiritual, physical, and emotional bond is born. There is an attachment that is hard to break, and separation leaves a void within your soul. Sex created a bond that God intended to be shared within marriage. God created sex, and it was given not only for procreation, but to seal the bond of marriage – till death do you part. When you have sex with someone, you give a part of your soul to another. The best analogy of closeness I can give is that of mother and child. Mother and child bond during pregnancy for a lifetime. Even if parents mistreat or neglect their children, that bond will always be there.
When women express that they miss their abusers, not only do they miss the intimacy, they miss the “thought” of that person – and what they could be if they were not abusive. Meaning, what you really miss is what you imagine in your mind how you would like things to be. Think about it, do you really miss the punches, slaps, kicks, chocking, verbal abuse, and whatever else your abuser dishes out? Unless you are a masochist, I would think not.
When you are in love with love itself, it is difficult to separate fact from fiction. Women were created with nurturing emotions so that we would love and care for our offspring. Somewhere along the way, many women have lost that inner nurturing, and exhibit coldness towards their children. God made women to be the nurturers in the home. We are the central glue that holds things together. So it is no surprise that we try to make peace when we are abused.
Many women will speak of their abusers as “having a heart” underneath their tirades and violence. We are forever looking for the good, while trying to ignore the bad behaviors. We want to believe so badly that an abuser can change, that we give them second, third, fourth and perhaps fifth chances before we run out the door – if we make it out alive.
We also have a tendency to live in the past within our minds. If the abuser was nice at first, that is what our minds hold onto, and our hearts long to go back to when things weren’t so bad. But that rarely happens. Once the lion is out of the cage, he seeks to devour.
So I ask again, “Do you really miss him?” Or, are you holding onto that tainted fairy tale in the back of your mind? Lonely women in particular will allow their emotions to focus on their loneliness, and conclude that they cannot live without a man – their abusers in particular. When compromise is set in motion, loneliness, and not the pure and simple facts – he makes your life a miserable hell – you are suckered into taking him back. Abusers rarely change. No matter how much he cries fake tears, pleads your return, and promises not to hit you again, it is all in vain.
You cannot love away abuse. You cannot do enough to make him stop mistreating you. Some people are evil and that is a fact. And please understand that witnessing violence, or being abused as a child is no excuse for domestic violence and abuse. Violence is a choice. Just because my parents were alcoholics doesn’t mean I have to follow in their footsteps. And I did not.
The next time you find yourself missing your abuser, after you have escaped with your life – and possibly the lives of your children – be honest with yourself. Take out a sheet of paper and write down what you miss about your abuser, and be honest enough to admit the truth. The things that you write down, ask yourself if you could really have them again. Ask yourself if your abuser has truly repented, sought help, gave his life to God – and is now living a changed life – without you. If he cannot live a repented, changed life without you – claiming that your coming back to him will be the catalyst for change – RUN FAR AND FAST!
Abuse rarely stops.
“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
SEX MAKES YOU STUPID
YOU MISS HIM BECAUSE YOU LOVE HIM –
BUT HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU!
RT 365 DAYS OF LOVE: DAY 284 ~ THE 5 PILLARS OF MANHOOD (HOW MEN SHOULD LOVE & RESPECT WOMEN) by Jaeson Ma
“Women don’t want nice guys or good boys, women want men on a mission, men on adventure, men who are dangerous. This is why many women are drawn to bad boys because bad boys live with a sense of risk, danger, mystery and unknown. Men were created to live fearless and to live by faith. But if you walk into a church today what you find are a bunch of boys playing with their toys, working at predictable jobs, and living boring lives. It’s sad, but most guys get their sense of adventure from playing video games or watching TV, what happened to our men?”
Antonio – “I had erased her personality.”
Cast: Laia Marull, Luis Tosar
Director: Icíar Bollaín
Format: DVD and streaming
YOU CAN READ MORE REVIEWS ON AMAZON
“Some people reading the title to this movie may mistakenly think this is a macabre and grotesque tale of spousal abuse. It is not. Rather, it shows exceptionally and sympathetically the struggles and loves of different types of people involved in these types of abuses. There are scenes where, even though we despise Antonio’s abuse of Pilar, we still understand her love for him. Any movie that can emotionally convey something that complex and real is worth studying carefully.”
“Even though I don’t usually like sub-titles – this one is worth it! I showed it at my Batterer’s Intervention Group for Men and they gave it a thumb up too!”
NOTE: I watched this movie last night, 06/25/11, and it is still with me. This is one of the best honest and raw portrayals of domestic abuse that I have ever seen. What I like most about this movie is that fact that it includes a counseling program where you witness the other side of the abuse – the mind of the batterer. No Amazon or Netflix links here, just recommending a movie that will help with understanding the dynamics of domestic violence. And it is definitely RAW!
Help! I Still Love My Abuser!
“Why do I continue to feel love for this person that abused me? I DON’T miss the abuse, but I do miss the good times we had… I still cry sometimes because I miss what I thought we had. Is this normal?”
Loss of a Relationship
“When you give up a partner, you give up a lifestyle as well. You give up shared friends, shared activities, as well give up the comfort of being half of a couple. You knew there was someone around; maybe you saw each other or chatted daily. You knew you would have something to do or someone to be with on Saturday night. Even if you stayed home alone on Saturday night, you knew someone was there. You had a partner. Your life changes when you break up with your partner. All of this takes some getting used to. It takes time to regroup and rebuild.”
(click on above link to read more)
How to Finally Stop Obsessing Over Your Ex
I am not a fan of COSMO – however, the tips make sense.
HE HAS A NEW LOVE AND IT HURTS!
“He beats me up… but I always forgive him”
“My boyfriend tried to beat me should I forgive him?”
“my husband beat me”
NOTE: Leaving abuse is never easy. You will carry your feelings with you – and the love that is hiding beneath the mistreatment. You may think it is gone, but there may come a time you will reflect on the good in the relationship, and you will begin to miss your abuser. Don’t be fooled by your feelings. Just because you feel love for your abuser, it doesn’t mean they feel the same. Your feelings can drive you back to the abuse, but nothing will change – it will only get worst, especially when you leave and go back.
Domestic Violence Against Women: How to Spot Abusive Men when Dating
Is Your Date an Abuser? Learn the Signs Before It’s Too Late
“Why do we stay or come back to our abuser? I want to ask us that question….. Here is some reason I think We Stayed.. We stay cause we are told where are you going you have nowhere to go, or who wants you.. how you going to pay bills you can’t make it on your own… We are scare that if we do leave that they would hurt us so we fear for our lives or our kids lives…. They tell us it our fault that they abuse us we ask for it if we didn’t make them mad, or whatever reason they give us…We come back cause they always say “I’m sorry” I didn’t mean to do it or say but baby you know you made me mad and I’m sorry and it will never happen again…We don’t think or want to believe the very one we love is hurting us.“
Connie Defends Husband’s Behavior… After He Shot Her
After being shot in the face by her husband of 25 years, it took over 15 surgeries and almost seven years for Connie Culp to finally divorce him. MORE IMAGES OF CONNIE CULP
SLEEPING WITH A KNIFE UNDER THE BED
US woman becomes hero for battered wives in China
…”she has changed the locks on her apartment. Last week, her husband sent her an angry text message: “In America you should be killed by your husband with gun. This is real American way. You’re so lucky to be in China!”
Later, he wrote, more succinctly, “Kill you!”
Yet when asked if she still loves him, she says she is not sure.
“I hate what he has done to me and our family … but I cannot say that I hate him,” she says. “Maybe the better question is not do you love him, but does love mean accepting and forgiving someone’s violence?
“For me, it does not.”
Why Men Abuse Women
“Tony says it felt like he “blacked out” during the abuse. “You don’t understand what’s going on,” he says. “I completely own up to [what I did], but in that rage, it’s like your brain wires, they aren’t clicking.”
“He says being in an abusive relationship is like being in a drug addiction. “It becomes like your bond in the sense that the woman is like cocaine inside of that relationship. That’s the only connection you have, because there’s no real love,” he says. “In order to overcome it, it’s almost like you have to separate, go to rehab, move out of the dope house and never come back.”
- Domestic Violence and the Disabled (ssofdv.wordpress.com)
- Domestic Abuse – an Amazing Story of Survival (ssofdv.wordpress.com)
- Domestic Violence Jailhouse Calls (ssofdv.wordpress.com)
- Why Don’t People Talk About Domestic Violence? (ssofdv.wordpress.com)
- Permission to Perpetrate (peakcare.wordpress.com)
- Do You See Red Flags? (startstrongaustintx.wordpress.com)
- I Apologized, Now Let’s Move On! (ssofdv.wordpress.com)
- After abuse, shattered smiles bring shame, stigma (msnbc.msn.com)
- Domestic abuse against men rises (bbc.co.uk)
- Why Abused Men Don’t Speak Out (ssofdv.wordpress.com)
- It’s October and you know what that means! (startstrongaustintx.wordpress.com)
No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.
© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.
June 1, 2011 at 10:39 am
Hi ssofdv: Yes, all you have noted here regarding abuse abusers and tainted traits are true. Unfortunately: fear and personal needs are powerful and difficult to change.
Relenting to abuse and abusers serves to only further a horrific lifestyle of hurt and hate. Yes: it is easy to view terror from the outside and offer recommendations and other forms of assistance; how easy is it to live as victims?
We must (try to) realize the frustrations and mental and emotional pain suffered by victims. Living with horror every moment of every day is a dreadful lifestyle; one most if not all of us would care never to experience.
“Why did she stay?” ” Why didn’t she leave him?” ” I would have left that bastard immediately!!!” Oh, yes, and so it goes….
The inability and/or refusal to acknowledge or change such hurt and hate places women in the path of destruction; it is a long and devastating walk; a journey to hell.
Women/Men suffering abuse of any type: MUST LEARN MUST DECIDE to suffer no more. Without the DESIRE to stop it and them, abuse and abusers would never end; and roots of ruin are secure and remain firm; ghoulishly feeding in soils of torment and terror.
“For the Victims We Pray.”
June 1, 2011 at 11:38 am
Hello Delbert, nice to hear from you.
“…fear and personal needs are powerful and difficult to change.”
Yes they are – difficult, but in many cases not impossible.” If the abused are not given hope, then “fear” and “personal needs” will always stand in the way of freedom from abuse – Been there.
“…how easy is it to live as victims?”
It is horrid, never “easy” to live with abuse. As a child it is never “easy” to witness, and it is certainly not “easy” to personally experience it. I never write in the context of not understanding how difficult it is to endure abuse until one is able to leave. I have experienced both sides of the evil, witnessing and receiving. Fear is very powerful. Many women experience a new form of fear during the “fight or flight” stage. Those who escape or try to leave the abuse understand at some point, it is not “easy” getting up in the morning to face another day of hell.
“We must (try to) realize the frustrations and mental and emotional pain suffered by victims.”
Been there– it isn’t difficult for me to identify with the “frustrations, mental, and emotional pain” that victims of abuse are experiencing. Again, I write from a standpoint of my own survival, always, always, in the vein that survival is possible. If we just empathize with the abused and never give them hope, reality, truth, and strength – they will remain in the arms of fury and some will commit suicide because they can’t take it anymore, and see no way out. Truth must always shine through; this is where strength is found.
… “one most if not all of us would care never to experience.”
As previously stated, “Been there” – more than once. I experienced my first bloody nose at the age of 21. Two years after my teenage years ended, I faced the monster of abuse. I grew up with abuse, in and outside of my mother’s house – it was everywhere I turned. And yes, it is an experience that no one would care to experience. However, if we don’t find ways to break the cycle, domestic violence will continue to be the ever growing monster that it is. Just look at the statistics of teen abuse these days. Unfortunately, abusers rarely change. Therefore, the abused must be educated with truth.
“Why did she stay?” ” Why didn’t she leave him?” ” I would have left that bastard immediately!!!”
Outsiders cannot understand the dynamics of domestic violence and abuse. It is only when you have walked in those shoes can you strengthen another abused person. A friend of mine tired of my complaining about my verbally abusive, cruel husband. Her frustrated response one day was, “If you don’t like what are going through, then LEAVE!” That response would seem harsh to some people, and yet, it is just what I needed to awaken me, and strengthen me to leave. I was in a fog – trapped in a mental whirlwind of replaying the abuse over and over again with no remedy in sight. What she said literally woke me up. Is that “easy” for all abused persons? No. But it was what I personally needed at the time. We never know what is said that will help another.
“The inability and/or refusal to acknowledge or change such hurt and hate places women in the path of destruction; it is a long and devastating walk; a journey to hell.”
I agree. But we cannot just leave them there. Abusers rarely change, and often refuse to do so. Unfortunately, many abusers enjoy inflicting pain upon others. They are dealing with a soul sickness, and sin – which needs to be repented of, and changed. This does not happen often, and that is why more emphasis is placed on educating the abused – especially women.
“Women/Men suffering abuse of any type: MUST LEARN MUST DECIDE to suffer no more.”
And this is where we help them to learn what they are suffering. When they embrace truth, and stop seeing themselves as the problem, then and only then will they say, “NO MORE!”
“Without the DESIRE to stop it and them, abuse and abusers would never end; and roots of ruin are secure and remain firm; ghoulishly feeding in soils of torment and terror.”
“For the Victims We Pray.”
Yes, and for the abusers – that somehow God will show us a way to help them to stop abusing. For, if we have no abusers, we have no abused. This evil may not be cured in our fallen world for good, but we can make a difference if we try, and keep truth alive.
“And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” (John 8:32)
June 1, 2011 at 12:03 pm
“We must (try to) realize the frustrations and mental and emotional pain suffered by victims.”
I witnessed my mother’s abuse, and I was too young to do anything about it.
I suffered abuse, and vowed that I would not live my mother’s life.
When my daughter was abused, I wanted to KILL! In my mind of frustration and fear. Never would I have taken a life. I just wanted her abuser to die, go away, leave her alone – I didn’t care how it happened at the time. I just wanted her safe. This type of atrocity can bring out the worst in you that you never knew was there. I am big enough to admit it. Most people hide it. Praise God I am a different person now.
Delbert, abuse affects one in ways that are past understanding.
June 1, 2011 at 1:48 pm
Yes, Terry and well said. Because of your experiencial past none is better qualified to help victims identify and deal with abuse and abusers.
None is more understanding of feelng the hurt and pain and sorrows of terror; all are fortunate to receive and witness the help and avenues of opportunity and comforts afforded in the process of healing and happiness.
Be Well My Friend.
June 1, 2011 at 2:13 pm
Thank you for your support and kind words as always.
Likewise, “Be Well My Friend.”
Mildred L. CALHOUN
August 3, 2011 at 9:52 am
HE there my name is brokenhearted…
I have been abused really bad in the past i had a gun pointed at my head when he pulled the trigger and laughed about it..?..:( I have been stomped-kicked-choked-slapped-he loves pulling my hair-he pushed me- and shaken me- he gave me a bloody nose- black eye- a concussion from punching me in my head- i have been poked with a knife i don’t know if he stabbed me? because he told me that he poked me with a knife if he was to stab me i would know it…yes i was bleeding from my leg a lot didn’t tell anyone about that i was to a shame…so a couple of weeks after that i almost died..:( and now two weeks ago he pushed me- he slapped me while having sex- he choked me-pulled my hair-threated me-he even told me I SHOULD HAVE PUT A KNIFE TO YOUR HEAD AND RAPED U..:(? when i asked him to apologize he straight out said with a scary look on his face he said BITCH I’LL FUCKEN KILL U..:(? why do he force me to have sex with him? why do he play mind games with me? should i take his threats seriously? my family shows him that they love him is that helpful to him or me? PLEASE HELP ME WHAT SHOULD I DO? am i in danger? r my kids in danger he told me that i was taken his kids away from him and good luck..? why won’t he listen to me? i tried to explain why we were leaving AND ONE MORE THING WHY AM I TOTALLY CONFUSED? how can he tell me he’s not going to hit me then turn around and hit me? how can he make love to me and hit me when he makes me have sex..? please someone respond to me i feel like i’m drowning..?…:( by BROKENHEARTED
August 4, 2011 at 3:04 am
First, I am very sorry to hear all that has happened, and what is happening to you now. Are you in “danger?” Yes! Should you “take his threats seriously?” Why would you not? Considering all that has happened to you, can you honestly say that he loves you? If the gun had gone off, your kids would be without a mother – you would be dead or a vegetable. It certainly sounds like this person – boyfriend or husband – HATES YOU!
Personally, I don’t know how you took so much, and question what you should do about it. I am sure that you don’t enjoy the pain – for you would not be reaching out. In my humble opinion, you are asking, “What should I do” – because somewhere deep inside of you, you have come to the conclusion that what is happening is abuse and terribly wrong. Even though I empathize with your plight, I cannot sugar coat my response – you will eventually wind up dead if you continue on this way. Being that I am not a licensed professional, or in the law field, I cannot advise you to stay or go. However, if I were in your shoes, I would have been long gone.
Somewhere along the way, you must accept that he doesn’t listen to you because what you say and feel does not matter. Your pain does not matter – your abuse does not matter, and the fact that your kids witness your abuse – it does not matter to him. It sounds like this person was damaged by his mother or some female in his life, or someone turned him against women. Whatever the cause/excuse for the rage – you have become the scapegoat. All that has happened to you is a crime – literally. It is against the law to treat another human being this way, and he only gets away with it because of your fear and SILENCE.
If an abuser hits you once and gets away with it, rest assured it will happen again – and again – and again. You said,”
“My family shows him that they love him is that helpful to him or me?” Does your family know how he treats you? Would they care if they did know? Would they help you? Most certainly it is “helpful to him,” for he can pretend to be a good guy in their presence, and make your life a miserable hell in private.
There are several useful links on this blog, and my web site that may prove beneficial to you. You don’t deserve what is happening to you, and only you can stop it. If you have the desire to live and live for your children, you will muster up the strength to make use of all the support that is offered to abused women and their children. At some point, your children will be abused as well. It sounds like this person is filled with rage and hate – and it is only a matter of time before it touches your precious children. Again, personally, I would not put up with abuse, and I would find a way out.
NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE – 1-800-799-SAFE – (7233)
If your family won’t help you, if you tell them what you are enduring – please call the HOTLINE to find help in your area.
You are most welcome to post on my site at any time. I really would like to know when you and your children are safe. My heart goes out to you, and I pray that God will give you strength to do what is best for your children. Otherwise, they will witness the violence and abuse, and either grow up to repeat it – or allow themselves to fall victim to it as well. Please, ask God for strength to make it to a safe place.
I will pray for you as well.
ADDRESS CONFIDENTIALITY PROGRAM
WHEN IT IS TIME TO LEAVE
March 13, 2012 at 10:15 pm
My abuser and I have broken up many times and got back with him everytime. This time feels no different. He once again blamed it all on me, walked away with verbal and emotional abuse like it was nothing. I quit my job, changed the city, moved out of state and after all the insults from him and his family who never met me, all I can think of is, does he feel bad about what he does?? Is he going to come back to apologize ?? Is he going to forget all that I did for him?? Is he going to move on very fast in another woman’s arms?? And all those questions that i will never have answers to, they hurt and they hold me back and they are self destructive.
Today is day 7, I haven’t contacted him and I’m not going to contact him, but that doesn’t mean I stopped loving him, it just means, as of today, I love and respect myself that much more. I’m trying to stay as strong as I possibly can, lots of counseling online via chat, psychich readings (as ridiculous as it may sound), lots of studying and talking to friends and family. Any urge to call him, I go online and try to do something creative. I’m a lonely person by nature, always have been, and somewhere on this website I learned that that could be one of my downfalls as to why I miss him, because I truly let go of my lifestyle that I knew for 4 years with him. But I choose to look at my life 4 years before that,…..I was confident, popular, pretty, smart, intelligent, easy to get along with, kind, giving, talkative and a “shining start” as most people say to me as they complement my smile or my personality……..and I misss that person…..I miss myself more than I miss him now because I had to start being honest to myself about him.
He claimed to love me but I have been in love before, I know how constructive and uplifting love can be. Emotional abuse is so strong, you dont’ realize the hole you are in until its too late, and those who haven’t been in that deep of a hole will never understand. I’m a higly educated woman (medical student) who comes from an extremely well off and balanced and loving family. I couldn’t give you any valid reasons as to how I fell in this trap……..but I do know my kindness and patience and loyalty that I have inherited from my parents is far unique and I was taken granted for that. I have to be glad that I came out of this without any permenant physical damage. Emotional scars are still there but I know they will heal because I’m going to work on it myself.
I’m glad I don’t have any STDs or Kids………..I’m glad God has been kind enough to pull me out of this. Those who weren’t as fortunate, thank you for being examples for women like me. Thank you for your courage and telling your stories because in 4 years, this is the first time I have talked about my abuse with this much honesty in public. And if it wasn’t for your stories and posts and blogs and discussions and articles and research……….I would have never known anything else but what my abusers wanted me to know…….and that is, “you are crazy”, “you are bipolar”, “you are borderline personality”……they even make you think their behavior is “because of you”. But it is not true……….we are here to tell our stories because wer were strong enough to run away. We should be proud !!!!!!
March 14, 2012 at 4:21 pm
I feel your energy and it is awesome! Your post reminds me of a part in the movie For Colored Girls Only where Loretta Devine was telling her group of women she counseled, “Somebody almost walked off with all my stuff!” She was speaking of her essence, her body, mind, soul, spirit – the uniqueness that made her the woman that she is. Her former boy-friend emotionally hurt her, but she was centered, and kept her identity close to heart.
I feel that in your writing. I feel that you are scarred, but you still have your “stuff” intact. You stated:
“But I choose to look at my life 4 years before that,…..I was confident, popular, pretty, smart, intelligent, easy to get along with, kind, giving, talkative and a “shining start” as most people say to me as they complement my smile or my personality……..and I miss that person…..I miss myself more than I miss him now because I had to start being honest to myself about him.”
All of the things that you said you were “4 years before” are still there. Your essence got muddied, buried, and bruised – but you are still you. Because you kept a mental picture of the dynamic person that you know you are, this gave you strength – and you will find your way back to your center. Many women lose that snapshot of who they were prior to abuse, feel blessed that you still have a grip on your reality. You also stated:
… “all I can think of is, does he feel bad about what he does?? Is he going to come back to apologize ?? Is he going to forget all that I did for him?? Is he going to move on very fast in another woman’s arms?? And all those questions that i will never have answers to, they hurt and they hold me back and they are self destructive.”
Your questions are normal. “Does he feel bad about what he does??” If he did, he would not have treated you the way he did in the first place. Abusers do not know how to “feel bad” from the heart. And if they do, which is rare – they repent and make changes in their lives – whether they are with you or not. “Is he going to come back to apologize ??” If he isn’t finished making your life a miserable hell, more than likely he will offer you a weak, fake, and insincere apology to gain entry into your world again. Understand that flowers and apologies do not change a person from the heart. It takes much more than that and it takes a lot of time.
“Is he going to move on very fast in another woman’s arms??” This question causes too many women to hurt unnecessarily. Most likely, he may already have another woman waiting to take him in. Abusers are not known to be without another anchor for too long, and they usually cheat to secure another unsuspecting victim while breaking up with you. Being alone is not something abusers can deal with for too long.
Most abused women imagine that the next woman will be treated “better.” Not so. Understand this – if there is no change within an abusers soul, he will carry that same evil into his next relationship. A different woman is not the key to change; she has not the power – as you had not – to bring about change. She will be abused as well. Some women try to warn the new girlfriends, but this will only make one appear to be jealous, and not able to move on. It will do no good.
“Is he going to forget all that I did for him??” Part of what you did for him, you did for yourself. What you gave, whatever it was – helped you to solidify your connection. Is he grateful? Probably not. Will he thank you – don’t count on it. And yes, he will “forget” all that you have done, until he finds someone that can give more, and take more of his punishment. Abusers are not known to be grateful for anything.
I am happy to know that the pain you are suffering has not damaged your life in the long run. Having no children with this person is a good thing, for you can make a clean break with no strings. I am also happy that you have God in your life, and a good family to cherish. Keep reading all you can, and finding ways to distract yourself from further entanglement. If you go backwards, it will only get worst – and you may die the next time around.
Stay strong! Your comments and your story will surely inspire others.
P.S Let the Psychics alone – they are of the devil and will lie to get your money. It is a racket, nothing more.
June 26, 2012 at 8:10 pm
Wow your story has truly touched me. I am 8 days out of a verbal, emotional and sexually abusive relationship that ended with him attacking me for grabbing his phone (he didn’t want me to find out he was cheating on me yet again). I too am well educated and very successful in life. I too was a very different person before him and all I want is to get me back. I keep thinking how could this have happened to me…again(I was married at 19 to a physically abusive man who tried to kill me). I am working very hard now to educate myself on this topic as I never did after the first time. Education I believe is the key to not falling in the trap again.
Thank you so much for sharing your story on here. It does help to know that what I am feeling is not crazy or stupid. It’s real and it could happen to anyone.
June 27, 2012 at 12:17 pm
Thank you for your feedback to “kb.” I am happy to hear that you have escaped the madness. You will get “you” back in time – it takes times and much looking forward. Only look backwards if there are lessons to be learned. Stay strong!
November 4, 2013 at 2:22 pm
I am in the same position! Educated and articulate with so much going for me. It has been eight days since I grabbed his phone and was dragged across the floor and choked as result. Yet still I got emails the next day, which i ignored, insisting there is no other woman. Ok. So you’d rather choke me and risk prison than have me look at your phone? GEE nothing suspicious about THAT!!!!!!!
I don’t want to block his number. When he finally calls I want it known I am ignoring him, that finally he went too far. Let him have his meaningless flings with whores and be alone with no friends which IS his reality. He is not happy I at least take comfort in that, going out to the bar getting beyond wasted which his sister said means he is unhappy. His life his choices.
I am alone in this town and in this country so it is harder for me to move on then most. But I must remember that if I do not respect me, neither him or anyone else ever will. I am lonely but getting strong again.
November 7, 2013 at 4:46 pm
I’m gald to hear you have decided to leave him. It is a hard decision for sure. I agree with you 100% there is something up if abuse and jail time are more appealing then letting your girlfriend look at your phone. I’m sure there are womens groups in your area be it young professionals or mom groups(if you have kids) or even domestic violence support groups. It will help you feel not so alone to get involved. Loneliness can be a bear but at least you have life. Sometimes having an animal to take care of helps with the loneliness. I wish you all the best. The strength is takes to leave is not something to take lightly. Be proud you love yourself enough to take those steps and are strong enough in who you are to recognize it. I’m PROUD of you!!
BTW…an update. I’m over a year out of that relationship. I have no idea what ever happened to him as I got a restraining order against him and then took a great job on the other side of the US. I still remain single but I have an amazing group of people in my life that make each day a little more awesome then the one before. I’m traveling all over the US and will be traveling overseas early next year. I’m happier now then I ever was in a relationship with him. I’m truly blessed!!
November 7, 2013 at 10:21 pm
Thank you Aly for your wonderful response to Sarah. May God keep you both strong and safe. I am proud of you both.
November 6, 2013 at 2:15 am
Hello Sarah, I am very sorry to hear of your situation. It is my hope that you will be able to continue to resist any contact. Rest assured, it does not get any better. Abuse rarely stops, mainly escalates.
You are doing the right thing in taking care of you. I am happy to hear that you know yourself, and that you are a special person who possesses strengths and attributes that will not be denied. Don’t ever let anyone, especially an abusive person change your perception about yourself.
Being alone may make separation more difficult, but you can get through it. There are many lonely seniors hoping for a visit from family, in many cases, from anyone that cares. There are plenty of volunteer opportunities during the holidays – feeding the homeless is one example.
Stay strong! And keep your self-respect for you are so right.
You may contact me anytime.
June 2, 2014 at 10:24 pm
I am on a quest to figure it out. i have been going on a journey back through the doors of yesterday in my own blog to re-visit the chronological memory of why I stayed. I know now that it was more about plain innocent ignorance of not having a lot of dating experience. And perhaps a little bit of codependency mixed in from my upbrininging and wanting to fix things. And the ambivalence of knowing the other side of my abuser. He had a horrible upbringing. His mother was mentally disturbed and his memories of finding his mother sitting on his father pointing a gun at his head and screaming like a maniac while her 8 year old son witnessed everything was just one story. He was the kid with the story you’d never believe. I on the otherhand came from a pretty healthy childhood. Though my dad drank socially and it effected me because my mom overshared too much for a little kid to need to know… for the most part I had a good childhood.
I fell in love with my first love fast and we became pretty serious. I was a virgin and he was my first and I “THOUGHT” my LAST. Because we were engaged, I gave in to more than I thought I would thinking that we would be married. I think I hung on to feeling obliged to marry because of giving in and I really did love him.
Then the abuse started. More emotionally. Berating me and losing his temper. And of course, I felt that I’d caused his abuse. It was back in the days before stuff like that was discussed on talk shows and so I thought I was the only one. I knew about abuse in marriage but didn’t realize it could happen if you weren’t married. THAT is how naive I was about such things. I was also very embarrassed and ashamed. I knew allowing it was not right.
The way I got the nerve to leave was not even about the abuse. It was about him playing games with me, telling me that he wanted to date an old girl friend. Years later he told me that was just him playing with my emotions. Well as silly as it sounds, I put up with all the abuse but not cheating. And it was over for me when I realized or thought he liked someone else. Though it was all something that backfired for him because I stood my ground through all his stalking and persistent times of begging me to come back to him.
June 20, 2014 at 2:30 pm
I took my time responding because I wanted to really think about what you have written.
The question of “why” may never be answered for many of us. The following statement says a lot about the character of most women:
“I know now that it was more about plain innocent ignorance of not having a lot of dating experience. And perhaps a little bit of codependency mixed in from my upbrininging and wanting to fix things. And the ambivalence of knowing the other side of my abuser.”
There is an innocence in our hearts concerning love that causes us to overlook certain truths. The “ignorance” often times is related to a lack of “dating experience.” The last part of your comment really hits home, because women-for the most part are natural born “fixer uppers” and we waste so much of our lives trying to make crooked paths straight. When we are made aware of the suffering past of the man or woman we love, we often try to make things right for them – but we cannot.
No matter how much love and understanding and trying we put forth, those who have been wounded, especially in child hood have to come to terms with their own pain. Many times we think that if we can heal a man’s pain, we will have a good man for ourselves eventually. We are not God! And yet, we too often try to do His work in changing hearts and healing.
You were able to leave due to his cheating because you felt betrayed. All that you were doing and giving was not appreciated – and it took cheating to make you realize that the man is a lost cause. He will mistreat the next woman as well. We have the tendency to think that the next woman is much better than ourselves, but the truth is – this man like so many others are looking for a relationship to heal them, fix them, adore, them, be their all and all. Guess what, they are so messed up that nothing we do for them within a relationship will matter or change anything.
“I fell in love with my first love fast and we became pretty serious. I was a virgin and he was my first and I “THOUGHT” my LAST. Because we were engaged, I gave in to more than I thought I would thinking that we would be married. I think I hung on to feeling obliged to marry because of giving in and I really did love him.
Then the abuse started. More emotionally. Berating me and losing his temper. And of course, I felt that I’d caused his abuse. It was back in the days before stuff like that was discussed on talk shows and so I thought I was the only one. I knew about abuse in marriage but didn’t realize it could happen if you weren’t married. THAT is how naive I was about such things. I was also very embarrassed and ashamed. I knew allowing it was not right.”
When we “fall in love” reason walks out the door. It happens to the best of us. It is a good thing the marriage did not take place. Abuse can happen to anyone, at any time – married or not. The abuse and mistreatment is the responsibility of the abusers. You did not cause the abuse, you were engaged to an abusive personality. Abusers are master deceivers, and they hide their evil when it suits them.
Embarrassment and shame are what many of us are left with after abuse. We beat ourselves up for not recognizing the trap that we had fallen into. Remember, abusers are charmers and they don’t show their dark side until their victims are caught in their web of lies.
Thank God that you are free. I know it is difficult to move on, especially without counseling or someone to talk to. But know that you are not alone. Forgive yourself for whatever human faults you beat yourself up for. Learn from the past, that is most important.
June 29, 2014 at 2:22 am
You might miss your abuser but no matter what he says, HES NOT GOING TO CHANGE! Get out while you can. If he threatens you, take screen shots and print them out. Go to family and friends for help and protection and file a protection order against him asap and stop all communcation. Your life is on the line. DON’T BELIEVE HIS LIES! He’s trying to pull you back into the cyle by sweet talking you and promising to not change. He doesn’t have control over you! Please don’t believe hes sorry because 99% chance, hes not and going to hurt you again. It’s going to be hard to get away but theres shelters and people who will help! Your not alone! My ex almost killed me and if I didn’t ran fast enough up to my apartment, I would be dead right now. I called the cops and filed for protection order and he still trying to get me back but I’m never going back! He tried to kill me 6 times! Its never to late to leave! You can do it. Be strong and give it to God. He’ll take care of you. Now I’m due for court and I’m scared but I’m staying strong and finally leaving him and I do miss him but I have to tell myself he won’t change. Think about it, where was his love when he waa hitting you? He doesn’t love you. Hurting someone isn’t love. Im sure God would agree! And would want you to get away!
June 29, 2014 at 12:50 pm
I couldn’t agree more. Abusers rarely change, most do not. Flowers, tears, apologies, and fake remorse does not equal repentance and change. It takes time for change, and most abusers do not see themselves as the problem. They blame the abused for the abused has not the power to make them whole, or satisfy whatever they are seeking.
Listen to Amanda – she among countless women know that abusers lie to get back with you. Once they are back, the violence and mistreatment gets worst. Why? Now they are angry because their abuse was rejected or met with the law. Get out while you can, especially if you have children.
Yes, you will miss the intimacy and the good times – if any. But understand they are temporary and good sex is not an indication of a “good” and safe relationship. Sex is sex! It does not equate love. Your emotions are involved and often betray your inner judgment.