15 Apr

By Terry Loving


The caption on this poster asks a very good question.

Why do we rant about non-sensible issues, argue about sports, debate politics – and ignore an evil that is destroying our homes and our country? Our society treats the topic of domestic violence as if it were some best kept secret. Well, in many cases, I suppose it really is – although it is detrimental for all involved. Secrecy is what keeps the madness alive.


Just because violence and abuse happens behind closed doors – mostly – it doesn’t change the fact that domestic violence is a crime. We ignore the fact that a violent spouse or dating partner is breaking the law when they physically harm you. Think about it – if domestic violence isn’t a crime, then why do perpetrators get arrested? Why are the abused labeled as victims? – Because they suffer at the hands of those who commit the crime of violence.


We can understand – to a point – why the abused themselves do not expose their plight. Fear of further harm from their tormentors is probably the number one reason. And those who eventually escape the insanity – years later describe how they were ashamed, embarrassed and didn’t want others to know their situation. On a personal note, I didn’t want my family members involved because I didn’t want any harm to come to them. And yes, there was a level of embarrassment for me as well.


As far as our churches go, believers in Christ should be speaking out the loudest, and reaching out to the abused and the abusers. Granted, most abusers will never change, but there are exceptions – those who desire to change – but don’t know how. Isn’t it the responsibility of God’s people to show the erring a better way to live? Prove that Hope can change a heart? Lead and love by example? Fulfill the Great Commission? Teach as the Master Teacher has taught?


Would not reaching out to the abused fill church house pews? These days, it seems that church attendance is all about numbers – fill the seats – fill the buckets, baskets, plates – whatever means of collection of money implemented. My guess is, the abused would not only fill up the seats, they would tell others, “Come, see – we have found the Messiah.” The Lord’s true messengers would preach hope where there is despair; lift up where the abused are torn down. Isn’t this what the Good News is all about? I suspect that most churches want to fill the pews, but only with members that will come, worship, dance, shout, tithe, lift up the preacher, work in the church house, and don’t make waves. The church has failed its duty.


So what will it take for people to see domestic violence as the crime it is? I believe it will take a mass concerted effort on the part of all involved. Meaning, the abused must speak out; the laws must get tougher; children must be protected by stiffer laws; the abusers must acknowledge their wrong and repent; churches need to work with organizations that fight domestic violence; we must educate our young people about violence and abuse and much more. This crime must be taken seriously, and not viewed as a private matter. When it involves the police, health care, the work place, our judicial system and such, it is no longer private.


When we stop hiding behind a sham of a life, we will acknowledge the truth. Pride is a powerful motivator to keep domestic violence secret. Every abused person wants family and friends to believe that all is well with them. No one likes feeling like a failure, and too many women take the blame for something they cannot control. They equate admitting abuse with admitting they have failed the relationship – not so.


When I pray for my granddaughters, I pray that they will never cross paths with the future abusers being groomed in violent homes today. Let’s be real, the likely-hood of our young children and grands dating angry people is very high. Many of the children suffering in violent homes today will be the adults that our children will interact with on some level in the future. The welfare of future generations should get people talking about domestic violence, and doing what they can to end it. But will they? Will you?


And I also pray for abused women and their children that they find a way of escape. And let us not forget that men are abused as well. The men that don’t fight back should not feel ashamed for being a real man. Real men don’t hit! Our children should not witness either parent committing violence in the home. Domestic violence is a horrid life for a child to live – been there. You never get over it. My mother’s generation didn’t talk about it. My generation opened up a little more, and I pray that the next generation will not stand for it. Whatever foundations those on the front lines lay today will impact the children of tomorrow.

“Kelly Winter, who was blinded by her boyfriend, has urged other women to seek help and escape domestic violence.”


Are you talking about domestic violence – with your church leaders – employers – law makers – neighbors – family members? Are you doing anything to make a difference – making a phone call – volunteering at a shelter or other organizations – writing about it – teaching a Bible class on abuse – anything????


Last but not least, it takes prayer, lots of prayer to bring about changes needed to end domestic violence. You may say, “I’ve tried that.” Keep praying. Change does not come overnight. Nor does it come when we want it to – but it does come.

“Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.” James 5:16

“The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”

“Prayers offered by those who have God’s approval are effective.”

“The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”(or woman)


“We also know that law is made not for the righteous but for lawbreakers and rebels, the ungodly and sinful, the unholy and irreligious; for those who kill their fathers or mothers, for murderers…” 1 Timothy 1:9

“Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.” Galatians 5:23

“Her boyfriend shot her face at point-blank range, but Carolyn Thomas survived. Follow how doctors restored her obliterated face.”
The Oprah Winfrey Show  |  April 08, 2011

Read more:


“It’s not the malicious acts that will do us in, but the
appalling silence and indifference of good people.”
Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Florida divorce proceeding turns violent — in judge’s chambers

“A bailiff was not in the room at the time. The judge said if he had had any indication that Gonzalez was violent, he would have had security in his chambers. Scott-Gonzalez said in the past, she had twice sought restraining orders against her estranged husband but both attempts had been denied.”






Why Doesn’t The Church Talk About Domestic Abuse?


Click to Empower – What to Say When You Think Someone is Being Abused








Domestic Violence Awareness Embroidered Patch

Domestic Violence Awareness Embroidered Patch
Click to see more

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Posted by on April 15, 2011 in SPEAK UP! SPEAK OUT!


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  1. delbertdelbert

    April 17, 2011 at 9:18 am

    Hi Terry, this is a super article indentifying details of sadness. Though I agree with all you have written: the greatest sadness is that no matter how much is said demonstrated discussed or written about domestic violence and abuse, seemingly, the horror continues.

    Yes, we who care must never yield always toeing the line against these evils; the human family suffers each moment each time someone is harmed; the human being bears the scars of this criminal behavoir.

    “The welfare of generations should get people talking about domestic violence, and doing what they can to end it….” Agreed.

    For without discussion, serious considerstions and other forms of engagement, this disease would never be removed, and then left to mutate.

    Hope Love and Prayer are our greatest swords. Acknowledgement is the first fire to burn. The skies and our hearts and minds must ever glow brigthly with a passion to heal this wound to forever remove its scar.

    Be Well, Terry.

    • ssofdv

      April 17, 2011 at 10:51 am

      Hello Delbert,

      Thank you very much for commenting. Yes, “the horror continues.”

      One of the biggest obstacles is the fact the most people see domestic violence as a “private” matter – it really isn’t. When you lay all of the components end to end, you have the domino effect – touching many lives – institutions, law enforcement, and our judicial system, etc.

      The most horrid of all is the lack of addressing this evil as SIN. In this area, the church as a whole has failed. This once great institution could and should have an impact from the pulpit. On the other hand, what we are witnessing today is the “Great falling away.” Not only are Christians abandoning the very spiritual principles of our God and Savior, but the heart of people in general has grown cold. The Bible warned us that this would come, and here it is.

      I often think about the next generation and the legacy that we will leave them. If more people would just think about the welfare of their own families – especially the children – things would change. Unfortunately, we live in a selfish society – where hearts of stone only care about self-comfort and ME gratification. Sigh.

      No matter how big the giant, we must continue to fight the good fight of faith. We must continue to be a light in this dark world. Even when we feel overwhelmed, we must rest – but never quit! We are the hands, eyes and mouths of the Lord on earth. Our mission of mercy is huge, but it doesn’t compare to what Christ has done for us. This is the message that must go forth, even when no one is listening.

      Thank you for being a part of our small, but life-changing army.

      • Delbert H. Rhodes

        April 17, 2011 at 11:15 am

        Terry, as you well know many would be the responses to your comments; however, simply put, I say “Absolutely.” Also, and of course, you “are” welcome.

      • anonymous

        February 25, 2014 at 1:49 pm

        I love the attention you are bringing to Domestic Abuse, the face of Domestic Abuse. But sometimes I think those photos are the problem. Sometimes domestic abuse doesn’t look at all like that, but it’s still abuse. Studies have shown emotional abuse is more traumatic to victims than physical abuse, and it isn’t against the law. My face looks just like anyone elses face, but I am a survivor of domestic abuse. I feel like the general perception of a victim of domestic abuse is someone with bruises and cuts, like above. But most often it doesn’t look like that. But it’s still abuse and it is still wrong.

      • ssofdv

        February 25, 2014 at 4:39 pm

        Hello anonymous,

        I agree that not all abused women have physical bruises to prove their abuse. The purpose of the most gruesome pictures I could find was more for impact. Too many people do not take domestic violence and abuse seriously. It is my desire to get people to see what goes on behind closed doors – a crime!

        You have given me something to think about and possibly write about; the hidden scars of abuse that no one else can see. Many abusers hit where clothes can cover up bruises, careful not to hit a woman in the face. And others abuse psychologically and damage emotions resulting in self-esteem that was once vibrant, but now lost.

        Actually, I did touch on the topic of Gaslighting,

        And Verbal abuse on my web site,
        I now have these links on the article. Thank you for your comment. May God heal your wounds and use your pain for His Glory and helping others.

  2. Carolyn S. Hennecy

    October 12, 2011 at 8:54 pm

    I hope it’s okay to share an upcoming event that I am directly involved with. No matter where you are, you can view it. ABC Action News of Tampa will be airing their primetime Emmy award winning special, “Taking Action Against Domestic Violence” on Friday, October 14. It will air at 8:00p EST, and will be available on the internet at 9:01p EST, immediately following. The link to view it is: You will be able to see my story. Domestic violence does not start with a punch, a kick, a gunshot or knife. It begins with a word or phrase of degradation. It continues. It becomes a matter of Power & Control. The abuser panics when he/she feels power and control over the victim is being lost. I agree. The silence cloaks the abuse. It suffocates the victim with a total loss of “me,” self-esteem and sense of value. I hope many will take time to watch this special.

    • ssofdv

      October 12, 2011 at 10:05 pm

      Hello Carolyn,

      Sure, I will be happy to post this information. And I will make a personal note to watch the show.

      Also, please spread the word about my domestic violence embroidered patches. A portion of the sales will go to THE WOMAN’S RESOURCE CENTER ( – in Atlanta, GA. The link to SSOFDV online store is,

      They were there for me when I needed help, and this is my way of giving back so others may be assisted. In addition, this in my personal crusade to get people talking about domestic violence and abuse. I attached four patches to a t-shirt, and made up business cards with my blog and web address. I also included the National Domestic Violence Hotline number. The purpose is to strike up conversations, and give vital information to the abused. I gave a card to a guy the other day when he inquired about the patches. So many people need to be educated. And this is one of the ways that I hope to strike up conversations. I plan to put more patches on my winter jacket as well.

      Good luck with the show. Lord willing, I will be watching.

    • delbertdelbert

      October 13, 2011 at 10:45 am

      Hi Carolyn,
      Thank you for informing Terry about the show. I too intend to view it. Domestic Violence is a hurtful issue and every voice against it is needed helpful and appreciated. I too witnessed this horror at home in childhood.

      Happy to know you

      • ssofdv

        October 13, 2011 at 11:24 am

        Hello Carolyn and Del,

        I taped a note to myself on the fridge to not forget to watch. And yes, “Domestic Violence is a hurtful issue.” It stays with you for the rest of your life. You are correct Del, it is a “horror.” I pray that many will wake up and get involved soon.

        Peace to you both.

    • ssofdv

      October 13, 2011 at 11:29 am


      I put your entire request on my “Home Page” until the show is over tomorrow. I with post the link for web access on various page thereafter.


  3. delbertdelbert

    October 13, 2011 at 10:46 am

    Oh, and thanks Terry for posting the information regarding Carolyn’s story.

    • ssofdv

      October 13, 2011 at 11:20 am

      You are very welcome my friend. We must work together and become “a force to be reckoned with.”


  4. delbertdelbert

    October 13, 2011 at 12:53 pm


  5. Fatina

    September 5, 2014 at 11:02 pm

    I told him thanks for the relationship and he sent me to hell for two days. He tortured me the whole time. He kept me naked to ensure I wouldn’t run; he would choke me unconscious just to keep brining me to so he could do it again, again and again. He stabbed me but I was numb and didn’t feel a thing or cry out. He did much more but I just wanting to speak up and out after coming across this site. I to kept my mouth close. I felt who cares anyway.

  6. ssofdv

    September 6, 2014 at 3:20 pm

    Hello Fatina,

    I am very sorry to hear of your situation. It is difficult for our minds to accept the evil nature of humanity, but it is very real. What has happened to you is pure evil, and it is my hope and prayer that you are far away from your abuser.

    You have been silent for too long. Your healing needs to start with you speaking out and finding sites such as this one to learn the truth – you were not to blame. You were not responsible for what happened to you. And rest assured that there are many people in this world who care about you and what you have suffered.

    Please keep speaking out and find healing for your soul. Keep reading and if possible get counseling. You may contact me at any time. Stay strong.


  7. Speaking Out

    October 8, 2016 at 5:59 pm

    I did speak up, again and again to find friends (whom I had assited before, one in law school) all turning away. Professionals that gave horrifc advice, when the damage was done and I went back to them, turned away. I was told “I invited it, I had a “toxic” mind, and was futher denegrated. One Catholic priest asked me what did I do to “deserve” it and I said ask the young boys your prest raped what they did.

    The answer (learned from one person with a PhD who had overcome/transformed her own child hood abuse) told me (when I learned the truth and called my self “stupid”) NO one is vulnerable.

    They predate on the vulnerable and in the case of Social Psychopaths (see literature below) use others “control by proxy” to obtain their aim – to murder in my case. (came close) O.J. Simpson is the perfect example — always in this case (charming “angry” man – more like enraged”) who uses that to almost hynotise others – easy peasy as well.

    I have realized that others do nothing as one can either assist, or pretend it does not exist and like a rabbit in a neck vice (lab experiments which was one of my research papers) a person NEEDS an outside helping hand, NOT just talk. (I did animal, child other rescue since a small child)

    I’ve learned from my “journey” experience if mindful becomes wisdom, that Domestic Violence is a family affair but a societal illness. I tell a fraction of my “story” sorry if I ramble a tad.

    Unfortunately, the person involved was a true Psychopath, narcissist, pathological liar and fully capable of murder. I was obtaining my Masters, not uneducated in other words.

    ”Most abusers abuse surreptitiously. They are “stealth abusers”. You have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse. ”

    “Never forget that social psychopaths know exactly what they are doing.”

    What is a Psychopath?

    THE PSYCHOPATH – The Mask of Sanity

    Note at the article below – “Control by Proxy” which is what my x did – use everyone (and I mean everyone) to further his aim and these were his last words to me, “I was one step ahead of you from day one” and “now you will end up in the streets homeless” and “no one will care”. He was a master at conning ALL even the police.

    Be advised that I was at one point bedridden completely (a friend coming to care for me) at night tossed to the floor and stomped on – I would crawl to the stair well to hide each night… I did try to “get out” as so many would admonish me for not doing later.

    Note their “magnetic” quality in the article – he would leave letters out from other woman (serial predator it turns out) and one was Oxford professional, wealthy and within a few days, devoted (until 1 1/2 year later she woke up) She knew I was being abused (I had tried to warn her) and wanted to sue me – I told her she would lose all due to the evidence I had by then. She was as well involed in charity for domestic violence. (he had put her photo on a porn site as well).

    She was my “guardian angel” in fact as I was able to come out from behind locked doors and along with one officer who eventually believed me protected me until I could come to my family member.

    I was stunned at how cruel other woman could be – they themselves being just as used – as if one could love one person while abusing another???


    Eventually one person properly understood what I was dealing with (decades later) (along with ONE officer who unlike the others would laugh along with the abuser even as they saw bruises from head to toe) did some research and told me decades later (was at a nadir at one point) that “he is a stealth operator, no one will believe you” and that when he told him to leave for the night the laughing charming man, turned to so much rage he had gone for his gun. By then I was financially indigent (Masters lost) and rents had gone sky rocketing in a major city and shelters were horrific (people killed).

    Although he told and used all he knew, even his own family (they called me a parasite until he was no longer able to hold any job, fired for sexual harassment on the job, drug use – semi famous chef), friends that he was broke I later learned with permission from the States AG for tax fraud – who allowed me to go through his computer and all records (finding replies to housing opportunities, his 300K in savings – much due to his claiming me as a dependant) cocaine and possibly meth use (Officer said they can kill and not care at all) and much more.

    All I went to for help, PhD’s in psychology, Spiritual leaders, many many others, he would go and they easily believed his lies as truth and my truth as lies (I found tapes of some of the sessions). I was so shocked at how easily he was able to CON so many I was sick. I would always have to bring in my records (rent checks so on) to show I was telling the truth!

    It was stunning – this ability to con “Masters”. I found out he would go to bars, tell others I was fat, ugly, deformed so the men would set him up with other woman (targets, one of whom committed suicide). I used to model btw. Just as I was leaving this city, I ran into one of the persons that told me this, and he kept saying “we felt sorry for him” and I showed him bruises and I said “what about me” what about (other woman), eventually he shook his head as if coming out of a “coma” and gave me a hug! Peopl don’t want to admit they as well have been conned.

    *(I did get a restraining order but he’d break in and I needed to be in the city for another year. As well he told the new management I never paid rent (although I has sent them 3 months rent along with the lease, which they illegally sent to him – he had moved out) as well he kept shutting off the utilities – even as I paid his arrears accounts and the current – they are relentless, for one reason they don’t want the truth to come out.

    I vowed to never keep silent when at a young age (21) working for a major hotel on the East Coast a young woman was raped by a VIP. They called her “Crazy Sxxdy” and when I asked why it turns out she had been raped and no one believed her. I was shocked as the same person had attempted rape with me but being white, he from Nigeria and my bosses Italian I barely squeaked out we’d both be killed. (he was a huge football size type of man). So he sought another target – she was a lovely lady of color.

    I meet a man at one of my three jobs while attending night college (2nd degree) and thought something was funny, easy to anger so on. I ask his colleagues if there is any issues, so on. Very long story short, and finding this out way too late (after a fire in our building whereby I ended up vegetative due to chemical exposures and unable to move, let alone “get out” and using holistic means regained some functionality, by then the rents way beyond what disability pays, and no one ever believed me from day one.

    He conned our mutual CPA so my taxes were higher then they should have been (even as I asked him why)… he was able to mesmorize all with his “charming manner”.

    He was like O.J. Simpson, the “charming angry man” (Social path) and went from day one to all therapists, teachers, spiritual leaders so on that I went to and told lies (never paid rent so on).

    People would “feel sorry for him” and total strangers would come up and smack me, woman (were the worst) called me vile names – it was like being attacked by piranna.

    The police (eventually ONE officer did some research) were conned as well, he would tell them he made the calls. I was entrapped (as he predated on many other woman – all thinking I was evil them not realizing they were being used until he moved on to his next target – giving them all the HPV virus and not caring – all “b’s” deserve to die.

    Eventually ONE PhD (having overcome her own situation) called to warn me what he was (hence the “diagnosis” which exactly fit). The one officer protected me until I could sell/give away my possesions and having sent photos to a family member (to convice them) here I am.

    Millions lost in wages lost, Masters placement lost (in a health field assisting the elderly) decades of art and sculpture, and much more.

    But I learned a HUGE lesson, never listen to any one who tells you to stay, give them love, don’t feel fear (people who studied with Dali Lama) so on. They all got conned as well but did not have to deal with the life altering consequence.


    Just a short description from one person in the field.

    What is a Psychopath?

    THE PSYCHOPATH – The Mask of Sanity

    “Psychopaths are social predators who charm, manipulate and ruthlessly plow their way through life, leaving a broad trail of broken hearts, shattered expectations without the slightest sense of guilt or regret. Their bewildered victims desperately ask, ‘Who are these people?'”

    If he really feels anything at all, they are emotions of only the shallowest kind. He does bizarre and self-destructive things because consequences that would fill the ordinary man with shame, self-loathing, and embarrassment simply do not affect the psychopath at all.

    What to others would be a disaster is to him merely a fleeting inconvenience.

    “Likeable,” “Charming,” “Intelligent,” “Alert,” “Impressive,” “Confidence-inspiring,” and “A great success with the ladies”:

    In many instances, the magnetic attraction of the psychopath for members of the opposite sex seems almost supernatural.

    The untroubled self-confidence of the psychopath seems almost like an impossible dream and is generally what “normal” people seek to acquire when they attend assertiveness training classes.

    Imagine – if you can – not having a conscience, none at all, no feelings of guilt or remorse no matter what you do, no limiting sense of concern for the well-being of strangers, friends, or even family members.

    Imagine no struggles with shame, not a single one in your whole life, no matter what kind of selfish, lazy, harmful, or immoral action you had taken.

    And pretend that the concept of responsibility is unknown to you, except as a burden others seem to accept without question, like gullible fools.

    Now add to this strange fantasy the ability to conceal from other people that your psychological makeup is radically different from theirs.

    Since everyone simply assumes that conscience is universal among human beings, hiding the fact that you are conscience-free is nearly effortless.

    You are not held back from any of your desires by guilt or shame, and you are never confronted by others for your cold-bloodedness.

    The ice water in your veins is so bizarre, so completely outside of their personal experience, that they seldom even guess at your condition.

    In other words, you are completely free of internal restraints, and your unhampered liberty to do just as you please, with no pangs of conscience, is conveniently invisible to the world.

    You can do anything at all, and still your strange advantage over the majority of people, who are kept in line by their consciences will most likely remain undiscovered.

    How will you live your life?
    What will you do with your huge and secret advantage, and with the corresponding handicap of other people (conscience)?

    The high incidence of sociopathy in human society has a profound effect on the rest of us who must live on this planet, too, even those of us who have not been clinically traumatized.

    The individuals who constitute this 4 percent drain our relationships, our bank accounts, our accomplishments, our self-esteem, our very peace on earth.

    Those who have no conscience at all are a group unto themselves, whether they be homicidal tyrants or merely ruthless social snipers.

    What differentiates a sociopath who lives off the labors of others from one who occasionally robs convenience stores, or from one who is a contemporary robber baron – or what makes the difference between an ordinary bully and a sociopathic murderer – is nothing more than social status, drive, intellect, blood lust, or simple opportunity.

    What distinguishes all of these people from the rest of us is an utterly empty hole in the psyche, where there should be the most evolved of all humanizing functions. [Martha Stout, Ph.D., The Sociopath Next Door] (highly recommended)

    Social Psychopath, Narcissist and Pathological liar (stealth abuser)

    Abusive men are often very charismatic, living in virtual denial, quick to blame and manipulate others into thinking and believing they are Mr. Wonderful.

    These manipulative tendencies often create doubt in a woman’s mind over a period of time as to whether she herself is at fault for the abuse, where she then begins to try and make changes in herself in hopes it will end the domestic abuse in the home.

    ”Most abusers abuse surreptitiously. They are “stealth abusers”. You have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse. ”

    “Never forget that social psychopaths know exactly what they are doing.”

    Control and Abuse by Proxy

    And Relationships with Abusers, Stalkers, and Bullies
    If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbors, the media, teachers – in short, third parties – to do his bidding.

    (and other women, countless other women, often cheating on those he professes to love and “she’s the one”)

    He uses them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target.

    He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices.

    And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done.

    Consequently, psychopaths feel no remorse when they hurt or defraud others. They don’t possess even the most rudimentary conscience.

    They rationalize their (often criminal) behavior and intellectualize it. Psychopaths fall prey to their own primitive defense mechanisms (such as narcissism, splitting, and projection).

    Anger Management Programs and Couples Counseling for abusers haven’t brought much change in these men, as abusive men have the unique and disturbing ability to manipulate and persuade even their counselors that they themselves are simply misunderstood and not at all to blame for the problems at home.

    One of the most prevalent features of an angry and controlling partner is how he frequently tells women how they should think and tries to get women to doubt their own perceptions and beliefs.


    Violence in the family often follows other forms of more subtle and long-term abuse: verbal, emotional, psychological sexual, or financial.

    It is closely correlated with alcoholism, drug consumption, intimate-partner homicide, teen pregnancy, infant and child mortality, spontaneous abortion, reckless behaviors, suicide, and the onset of mental health disorders.

    Yet, even today, society – for instance, through the court and the mental health systems – largely ignores domestic violence and abuse in the family. This induces feelings of shame and guilt in the victims and “legitimizes” the role of the abuser.

    Violence in the family is mostly spousal (significant other et al) – one spouse beating, raping, or otherwise physically harming and torturing the other. Other vulnerable familial groups include the elderly and the disabled.

    Abusers exploit, lie, insult, demean, ignore (the “silent treatment”), manipulate, and control.

    There are many ways to abuse. To love too much is to abuse. — That Charm! That attention! —

    It is tantamount to treating someone as an extension, an object, or an instrument of gratification. To be over-protective, not to respect privacy, to be brutally honest, with a sadistic sense of humor, or consistently tactless – is to abuse.

    That humor is anger coached in sarcasm.

    To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore – are all modes of abuse. There is physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse. The list is long.


    One of the favorite tools of manipulation in the abuser’s arsenal is the dis-proportionality of his reactions. He reacts with supreme rage to the slightest slight. Or he would punish severely for what he perceives to be an offense against him, no matter how minor.

    He was and is that controlling and takes great delight in having more then one woman in these various roles at a time.

    Characteristics and Traits

    Like narcissists, psychopaths lack empathy and regard other people as mere instruments of gratification and utility or as objects to be manipulated. Psychopaths and narcissists have no problem to grasp ideas and to formulate choices, needs, preferences, courses of action, and priorities. But they are shocked when other people do the very same.

    Most people accept that others have rights and obligations. The psychopath rejects this quid pro quo. As far as he is concerned, only might is right.

    People have no rights and he, the psychopath, has no obligations that derive from the “social contract”.

    The psychopath holds himself to be above conventional morality and the law. The psychopath cannot delay gratification. He wants everything and wants it now.

    His whims, urges, catering to his needs, and the satisfaction of his drives take precedence over the needs, preferences, and emotions of even his nearest and dearest.

    The psychopath firmly believes that the world is a hostile, merciless place, prone to the survival of the fittest and that people are either “all good” or “all evil”.

    The psychopath projects his own vulnerabilities, weaknesses, and shortcomings unto others and force them to behave the way he expects them to (this defense mechanism is known as “projective identification”).


    Like narcissists, psychopaths are abusively exploitative and incapable of true love or intimacy.

    Psychopaths are irresponsible and unreliable. They do not honor contracts, undertakings, and obligations.

    They are unstable and unpredictable and rarely hold a job for long, repay their debts, or maintain long-term intimate relationships.

    Psychopaths are vindictive and hold grudges. They never regret or forget a thing.

    They are driven, and dangerous.

    They are impulsive and reckless, aggressive, violent, irritable, and, sometimes, the captives of magical thinking, believing themselves to be immune to the consequences of their own actions.

    Abuse of Information

    From the first moments of an encounter with another person, the abuser is on the prowl. He collects information. The more he knows about his potential victim – the better able he is to coerce, manipulate, charm, extort or convert it “to the cause”.

    The abuser does not hesitate to misuse the information he gleaned, regardless of its intimate nature or the circumstances in which he obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his armory.

    Impossible Situations

    The abuser engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he is sorely needed. The abuser makes sure that his knowledge, his skills, his connections, or his traits are the only ones applicable and the most useful in the situations that he, himself, wrought. The abuser generates his own indispensability.

    The need to manipulate them arises out of their propensity to destroy everything and everyone around them. To manipulate a narcissist is to survive. It is a survival tactic of the victims of narcissists.


    Or, they would throw a temper tantrum over any discord or disagreement, however gently and considerately expressed.

    Or, he would act inordinately attentive, charming and tempting (even over-sexed, if need be).

    This ever-shifting code of conduct and the unusually harsh and arbitrarily applied penalties are premeditated. The victims are kept in the dark. Neediness and dependence on the source of “justice” meted and judgment passed – on the abuser – are thus guaranteed.

    Dehumanization and Objectification (Abuse)

    People have a need to believe in the empathic skills and basic good-heartedness of others. By dehumanizing and objectifying people – the abuser attacks the very foundations human interaction. This is the “alien” aspect of abusers – they may be excellent imitations of fully formed adults but they are emotionally absent and immature.

    Abuse is so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric – that people recoil in terror. It is then, with their defenses absolutely down, that they are the most susceptible and vulnerable to the abuser’s control.

    Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuse are all forms of dehumanization and objectification.

    IV. Ambient Abuse and Gaslighting

    The fostering, propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation.

    *early on during charm stage – then when trapped overt rage.

    *There are no acts of traceable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings of control. Yet, the irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen. This is sometimes called “gaslighting”.

    In the long term, such an environment erodes the victim’s sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly.

    Often, the victim adopts a paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders himself or herself exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus reversed: the victim is considered mentally deranged and the abuser – the suffering soul.


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