26 Feb

by Terry Loving

He lies, cheats with other women, you confront him, and BAM! While nursing a bloody nose, you kick yourself for  bringing up the subject of cheating and lying. You are angry with yourself – again – for wanting to know the truth. If only you had let it ride he wouldn’t have gotten so angry. But you didn’t – you couldn’t – you shouldn’t. The violence was really bad this time, and yet, you said to your abuser, “I am sorry.”


There was no mistaking the fact the Missy’s live-in boyfriend was cheating. She found a pair of bloody ladies underwear in his hat box. It wasn’t her intent to go snooping, but he stays out all night many nights, and he had become quite indifferent to Missy’s needs. She needed to know what was going on. He had plenty of opportunities to get rid of the evidence, and yet he brought it home – as if it were a souvenir. Did he want her to catch him in his lies? Was he looking for a confrontation so that he would have an excuse to leave her? Or was he saving an excuse to beat Missy again – because she was in his business?


Why do abused women apologize to their abusers after a beat down? They apologize because they feel responsible for the violence and abuse. Domestic violence can make you so crazy in the head that you take responsibility for actions that are not your own. You begin to see yourself as the failure in the relationship, and falsely conclude that you deserve chastisement. The last time I checked, it is the cleansing Blood of Jesus Christ that changes your behavior – not a beat down from your mate. Perfection walked the earth, but He has returned unto the Father. The rest of us are simply human, prone to making mistakes.


Apologizing to your abuser means that you are looking inwardly, and not correctly assessing the situation. Once you are able to view the violence from the mind of a spectator – a third person watching what is going on – then you will see the truth. In the midst of the turmoil, the abused sees the abuser’s anger, and themselves as the cause – not so. No, here is the real truth – your abuser has a very serious anger issue, and he (or she), does not know how to manage their emotions. You are not the cause – you are the scapegoat.


While the blows are damaging your body, your mind is thinking – “If only I hadn’t said anything.” “I should have kept quiet.” “How could I have been so stupid?” “I knew this would make him angry.” Do you not have a right to confront wrongdoing? HIV is a very real thing – should you not have the right to be concerned about its possible transmission? Yes, you have every right.

Domestic Violence Awareness Embroidered Patch
(click on the patch to see more)


The message that you convey to your abuser when you apologize is this, “You must increase, I must decrease.” “You must become greater and greater, I must become less and less.” “You must become more important, and I must become less important.” It is as simple as that.


The next time this thought crosses your mind, “He beat me and I apologized,” imagine yourself shrinking, getting smaller – while your abuser grows into an evil giant. Imagine yourself as an ant crawling on the ground – and a big shoe crushes you – stamps out all the good that God placed within you. When you put out the trash, imagine yourself to be one of the discarded articles closed tightly within that plastic bag – dropped on a curb – thrown away – useless. This is how your abuser sees you, but not so with God.



“Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.” (1 Peter 2:10)

“They” (abusers) – “will do such things because they have not known the Father or me.” (1 John 3:1)


Is He/She Abusive?-
You’re not Crazy.
Learn the disease. Stop the abuse.

(click here to learn more)


“My Husband Beat Me, Should I Divorce Him?”

“So when he complains of the pain you are causing him by leaving, think of it this way: For a man who has abused you to complain of the pain it causes him when you leave him only suggests that it is in his abuse of you itself that he finds pleasure and comfort. That is a chilling thought. But it is unavoidable: If the object of his abuse causes him pain when it disappears, then it must be in the abuse itself that he finds pleasure.”




12 Hours of Terror: Conn. Woman Held Hostage by Arsonist Ex




The Danger Assessment

The Danger Assessment helps to determine the level of danger an abused woman has of being killed by her intimate partner. It is free and available to the public. Using the Danger Assessment requires the weighted scoring and interpretation that is provided after completing the training. The Danger Assessment is available in a variety of languages.




No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009-2012
All rights reserved.


Posted by on February 26, 2011 in SPEAK UP! SPEAK OUT!


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14 responses to “HE BEAT ME – AND I APOLOGIZED

  1. delbertdelbert

    February 26, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    Domestic violence of any type is wrong. Men/Women who abuse spouses use violence to hide truth; that being, the need of help. Something inside them is crying out “help me,” and they are unable or unwilling to acknowledge the need of assistance.

    The victim need never feel responsibility for the abuse, though always they do, and they need never to apologize for the abusers malicious behaviors. Victims need help and must remove themselves from the source(s)of violence.

    Aid is available in many places, family, friends, counseling, religious institutions, other.
    Seek and find help.


    • ssofdv

      February 26, 2011 at 4:53 pm

      Hello delbertdelbert,

      You are so right, however, pride won’t allow those who are hurting inside to seek help. My ex told me that I was the problem, and he didn’t need help – I needed it. Everything was my fault, and he was “right” all the time. Of course that was a lie.

      Until abusers come to realize that their behavior is demeaning and damaging, they will continue to behave the way they do. If a heart lacks empathy and compassion, it will remain hardened and violent. True love is missing from many relationships, and sorry to say, many people haven’t a clue what it is all about.

      “Because lawlessness is increased, most people’s love will grow cold.” (Matthew 24:12)

      Thanks for stopping by.

  2. delbertdelbert

    February 26, 2011 at 9:15 pm

    Hi ssofdv, I agree, and unfortunately, it is a sad truth: Abusers refuse to admit both the need of help and that they have a problem.

    Always, it is the fault of the “Victim.”

    In childhood and as a teenager, I witnessed abuse of my mother. Naturally, and even in childhood, I attempted to protect her. The child remained helpless against a grown man, but the teenager was successful.

    The abuser feels powerful when he/she has nothing to fear. The victim feels powerless, and continues to yield, often feeling/believing/expressing “he/she” loves me. You well know that love has no place in an abusive relationship.

    Unfortunately, even law enforcement can be helpless/useless “until something actually happens.” Of course, by then and sometimes, it is too late.

    • ssofdv

      February 27, 2011 at 12:16 am

      Hello delbertdelbert,

      I read your post, “He Is Hurting My Mother,” and it brought back memories of my own experience as a child. Like you, I was the defender of an abused mother. I was too young to help her in any way, but I was always first on the scene when the violence began. All I could do was scream, “Leave my mommy alone!” What a horrible way for a child to grow up. You never forget the helplessness that you felt, and it has far reaching consequences.

      Unfortunately, my brothers learned to hit women as well. They lived what they learned. One became a Christian, and the other was killed by his girlfriend. It is strange how life turns out sometimes. My brother was stabbed to death in front of my mother’s house, with one of her own kitchen knives. The same violence that she allowed her children to witness for years came full circle – and claimed the life of her oldest child. She knelt down in a dirty Philadelphia street, crying over a child that was taught the way of Cain in her household.

      Domestic violence is a power struggle; the weak prey on the weak – but only one emerges with a false sense of victory. No one really wins – and everyone involved loses. Abusers need the abused to feel powerful, and yet, they could have what they try to beat out of their “victims,” they just never learned the power of love and self-sacrifice. They feel no need to admit any wrong, for they are convinced that the lessons of life they learned are right – though distorted.

      I have a friend that is a retired police officer. He hated domestic violence calls. There were times, before the laws changed, that the abused would attack him for arresting their abusers. They want the violence to stop, but they don’t want their abusers arrested. Now with new laws, they have no say in the matter if evidence of abuse is present. In many cases, the abused go right back to the same situation – the police often feel helpless and eventually indifferent. There may be exceptions; however, it is a fact that charges have been dropped when the victim should have pressed forward. I personally witnessed this.

      “Dysfunctional” love is a monster!

  3. Delbert H. Rhodes

    February 27, 2011 at 3:22 am

    Hi ssofdv, Yes, for a child to grow-up in a violent environment is horrible. The consequences are long-lasting, a lifetime. Like you, I too rushed to my mother’s side, and though tiny, placed myself between her and my stepfather. Still, today I can feel the keyboard pressing into my back. YOU NEVER FORGET.

    Like you, I risked injury to protect Mom from harm. Love provides every strength every ounce of courage every shield, though sometimes not strong enough, against violence.

    Children of violent homes grow to become different beings, either they are filled, as you are, by love, or and unfortunately, as in your brothers’ case, they become violent. Surely, as do you, whenever, and even now, I think too long, or when writing about my experiences, I cry.

    Sometimes the tears fail to stop, sometimes, I don’t want them to stop, because I feel that crying cleanses me (of the hurt). (But) no, though the moment is cathartic, it lasts only a moment.

    My God, ssodv, the loss of your brother is horrible, and the fact that it occurred violently, even worse. Though our siblings may have become infected by the germs of hatred, still we love them, we want them to stop, to return to who they were.

    Losing a sibling to the same environment that borne the evil is devastating. Even more when the weapon used is from the home of a family member. Your suffrage is huge and I understand and feel it.

    I too am an ex-police officer. I well know the feelings the police harbor about domestic violence. Yes, responding to these calls is very dangerous, as you know, the spouse, significant other, many times resorts to violence against the police. Many times officers are injured, even killed, when removing violators who, just moments before, were beating a victim.

    The law says, look for obvious injuries, and then locate the violator, and then make the arrest. This change in the law is good, but sometimes violators are not found. Sometimes they return home, resuming the violence, sometimes killing the victims.

    I agree “Dysfunctional” love is a monster! Perhaps the greater malady is, continued refusal to acknowledge the problem of violence.

    ssofdv, like the many, you and I share similar pasts, it is strangely amazing, is it not, how something as horrible as violence, also brings people together.

    Thank you for returning

    • ssofdv

      February 27, 2011 at 5:53 pm

      Hello delbertdelbert,

      I truly wish that the abused and abuser alike could see the damage that is done to the children. Sadly, children are the last to be considered in violent relationships. Too much emphasis is placed on trying to fix, mold and shape one another, while the children suffer in silence. Another thing I don’t understand is this, if he beat you senseless, why trust your children to his care?

      I was around five or six years old when one of my mother’s abusers molested me. I was home sick, and he was my babysitter for that day. Of course she never knew – he threatened to kill her. And why not believe him? He tried to kill her while beating her, so of course I believed him. I never said a word. She died without knowing the horrors that her children suffered. And yet, she was a contributor – she betrayed me for alcohol. And she stayed much too long.

      I risked my life as a child to save hers, and she betrays me – go figure.

      Yes, children of violent homes certainly grow up with issues. Even if you don’t adopt the ways of violence, you are still damaged in many ways. The violence and confusion short circuits the positive messages parents are supposed to instill, and your little mind shuts down from the stress of trying to make sense of the senseless. The confusion affects your entire life. And yes, I cry as well thinking about the past. Even when I don’t want to, there are always triggers. On the other hand, writing about domestic violence doesn’t afford me the opportunity to push it aside.

      And quite frankly, it has been hidden for too long – time to come out in full force. Talking about it, and writing about it helps with the shame – in the sense that I realize I had no choice as a child but to live with the misery – so what happened is not my fault. Children tend to take on blame and shame that is not theirs to own.

      Like you, I believe the tears serve to cleanse. But like you’ve stated – it is just for a moment. I suffer from depression where overwhelming sadness comes like a ton of bricks at times. I believe this is due to the things that my mind suppressed that I haven’t dealt with – for, I don’t know what they are. My childhood is a fragmented blank.

      Yes, it was horrible losing my brother that way. He used me for a punching bag when we were kids, until I got big enough to fight back. Still, I loved him and I understood his pain too. I was his scapegoat – at the same time, he didn’t allow anyone to mess with me. So it was a mixed bag of love and confusion.

      I can relate to your experiences as a police officer. My friend shared his frustrations with me many times. One lady who was bleeding and obviously battered, jumped on his back and started punching him in order to make him let her abuser go. Needless to say, he was dumbfounded. And you are correct, the abusers often return with a vengeance. Now they are angrier that they had to deal with the law, and feel that the abused should not have made the call. And yes, the violence resumes, and often the abused ends up dead. If they don’t want the abusers arrested, then they should find a way to leave. It is a mistake either way not to protect yourself.

      “ssofdv, like the many, you and I share similar pasts, it is strangely amazing, is it not, how something as horrible as violence, also brings people together.”

      Yes, it is amazing. And I am happy to know you as a fellow soldier in the fight against the horrors of domestic violence. We must press on – the children must be saved! The abused must be educated.

      Peace to you.

      • delbertdelbert

        February 28, 2011 at 3:18 pm

        Hi. Yes, I agree: Abusers and the Abused must realize-care about-the affects of abuse on children. Of course, and most times, they look away, resort to scapegoating, hiding truths.

        Yes, and why would mother permit the battering boyfriend to babysit? Because he “loves her.” Right! Foolishly and let us never believe uncaringly, Mommy would do this, somehow never realizing the imminent danger to the child,and especially a female child?

        How many have suffered the horror you have, how many have died? How long can children suffer in silence? How and when does a child feel safe to venture(normally)into relationships-of any type?

        The answers though available, fail to remove the tragic truth and long lasting hurt. You well know that even bringing violator to justice, never fully heals the child. Justice, even Vengeance has a price. Unfortunately, the children are left forever repaying the cost.

        Though time permits repression, it never removes memories.

        NO! ssofdv: the horror that happened to you was NOT YOUR FAULT.

        For a mother a parent to ignore, abandon a child to recreational indulgence, is shameful and unpardonable. Innocents are to be ever protected and parents MUST abide.

        Your brother used you as a scapegoat, but protected you from outsiders. Naturally, the strange relationship hosting violence and vigilance is conflictual,confounding.

        Naturally, though your brother hurt you, still you loved him, after-all, he was your brother. Who could not understand this. Yet understanding fails to heal injured feelings.
        Your feelings.

        Love Hate environments cement relationships of various types, siblings, spouses, friends, we know this, still, children MUST never be targets of violence and for any reason.

        Yes, as FELLOW SOLDIERS we must champion the quest against hate violence and abuse. These traits, human though they be, need controlling. They require removal from social networks. Children must be protected.


        (Abusers must be educated.)

        ssofdv, I have linked your blog on my site. Others must be reached by your important message. There is another posted, “captivating bitter,” who suffered similarly to you.

        I am new to blogging and am developing the site, and do hope to attract more who share feelings and concerns.

        Peace to you.

  4. ssofdv

    March 4, 2011 at 8:46 pm

    Hello delbertdelbert,

    “Unfortunately, the children are left forever repaying the cost.”

    This says it all.

    Thank you.


  5. earnestine boggan

    April 25, 2013 at 7:37 pm

    I’m 33 years old I’m dating a49 year old he never call me I always call him he curse me out and soon as I question him he gets so upset and started calling me ugly names and I stay when he tells me to go I’m not crazy he tells me he loves me but he never prove it. When I first met him he lied about his age I found out long in this so called relationship everything was pretty much a lie this guy told me he loves me and he don’t have my number program in his phone. One night I checked his phone he text other women but next text or call me he never been to my house I always ask too come so him it takes forever for him too response he tells me when he upset that he don’t want me and he also said that is why I don’t call you and he say he said it because he was mad at the time. Please tell me what I need to do I never when threw anything like this before.

    • ssofdv

      April 26, 2013 at 12:41 am

      My Dear Earnestine,

      RUN! As far and as fast as you can! There is no love there. This man obviously has some very serious issues, and if he hasn’t started physically abusing you in time he will. He is already emotionally and verbally abusing you, and at “49” I personally do not see him changing. Physical harm is on the horizon and you should get away, and seek help for yourself.

      Dating an older person does not mean that you will be blessed with a wise individual. Re-read your post and pick out all the reasons why you should get as far away from this man as possible. Listen to your reasons:

      1. “he never calls me”
      2. “I always call him”
      3. “he curse me out”
      4. “he gets so upset”
      5. “calling me ugly names”
      6. “he tells me to go”
      7. “he tell me that he loves me, but he never proves it”
      8. “he lied about his age”
      9. “everything was pretty much a lie”
      10. “he don’t have my number program in his phone”
      11. “text other women”
      12. “he never been to my house”
      13. “I always ask him to come …takes forever for him to respond”
      14. “he tells me he don’t want me”

      My dear, you just gave yourself 14 reasons to RUN far and fast away from this abusive man-child. HE IS AN ABUSER! You have 14 RED FLAGS waving and screaming the truth.

      Please seek counseling as to why you accept being treated so badly. Perhaps you were mistreated and abused as a child and you feel that mistreatment is all that your deserve – not so! Please leave this man. There is no love, no future, and no regard for your feelings at all.

      Also, I strongly advise you to stay single until you heal your inner pain. If not, you will accept the wrong kind of man and you may get trapped in an abusive relationship and never get out.

      I will pray that you heed the advice given.


  6. Delbert H. Rhodes

    April 26, 2013 at 7:18 am

    Earnestine, as noted in Terry’s message, you have indicated fourteen (14) reasons, which are critical markers, red flags. They indicate serious trouble in your relationship, and things do not appear to be improving. Leaving this man is the smart, sensible thing to do. He, obviously, does not love or care for you; once more, he is abusing you.

    Though you may make excuses for his terrible behaviors, in time, your excuses would serve only to destroy your life. Escape this horrible situation, and get counseling. Give yourself time to heal before entering another relationship, and carefully select the next man.

    Be Well.

    • ssofdv

      April 26, 2013 at 11:54 am

      Delbert my friend – thank you so much!

      It is my hope and prayer that Earnestine will take heed and leave this man. I would hate to hear of what he will do to her next. She must learn to love herself, and first seek love from within. Let us pray for her and the many that are trapped in a web of evil.


      • delbertdelbert

        April 26, 2013 at 4:58 pm

        Hello, Terry. You are welcome; and yes, we shall pray for Earnestine, and others suffering similar situations.

        Stay Connected.

  7. lydya92

    May 21, 2013 at 3:15 am

    Reblogged this on klydya and commented:
    End the Violence.
    Speak out!


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