21 Feb

By Terry Loving


There are cases where abusers unlearn abuse – but this doesn’t happen often enough to end domestic violence. As long as the perpetrators of violence get their way, there is no real incentive to stop being violent and abusive.


If an equation is removed from the Cycle of Violence, perhaps we would witness a higher number of the abused leaving their abusers. Enduring constant fighting, beatings, verbal abuse, rape, put downs with no Honeymoon – make up stage – what would be the incentive to stay and try to work things out? On the other hand, how the abused feel about them-selves would also be a factor considered – as well as their religious beliefs.


During the make-up stage, promises are made, sex is great, life is (seemingly) normal, and defenses are relaxed. Gifts are given, vacations are planned, and there is a false sense of “everything will be all right now” that deceives. This is a time where the abuser is built up emotionally, and temporarily satisfied. The abused has met his needs to some level of satisfaction, and the beating was just the catalyst to get the abused to comply. On the flip side, the thrashing was very severe because the abused failed to live up to the abuser’s expectations. In either case, a brief reprieve from the violence brings false hope to the victim. She hopes this is the last time.


Each time an abuser is forgiven, the chances of the violence happening again increases. Please don’t misunderstand “forgiveness” at this stage. Ultimately, if we seek God’s forgiveness, we must not be guilty of un-forgiveness. In this case, a woman enduring abuse, and repeating the Cycle of Violence is a different subject matter. We are commanded by God to forgive others their trespasses, but we are not commanded to live with violence and abuse – just wanted to clear that up.


So, each time the violence is forgiven, overlooked, excused, pushed aside, and dismissed – the abuser gains more and more control over the life of the abused. As the years go by, it becomes more difficult to leave for many reasons – financial, kids, low self-worth, religion, and some people just give up. Abusers get comfortable with the buttons they push to evoke fear.


Some experts suggest that abusers abuse because of mental disorders, and issues with anger management. God calls unbridled anger SIN – especially when it causes harm to others. Anger management is possible, for we are admonished to “put off” (Colossians 3:8), “refrain from anger” (Psalm 37:8), “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice,” (Ephesians 4:31). These scriptures and others prove that we have control over our emotions – especially that of anger.


So, does abuse ever stop? Not if the abusers lack empathy for others, and have cold hearts that care only for themselves. If there is no fear of God, no concern for the pain received by victims, no fear of the law or hell – then the abuse and violence will never stop. Divine intervention and the Blood of Christ is the answer. But will the abusers accept the forgiveness of God and repent? Only God and those who hurt others can answer that. Our job is to stay safe, and protect our children.

“When You Keep Wishing & Hoping He Will Change”


“This book changed my life.”

“So close to home it was painful (but necessary)”

“Every woman should read this powerful book!”


Don’t Change the Guy

by Mark Gungor on January 19th, 2010

“If he’s a frog, you aren’t going to turn him into prince charming.”





Sociopath- Psychopath-Narcissistic Personalities


Domestic Violence/Can he Change


Police: Slain Clayton mom missing both ears

“CLAYTON COUNTY, Ga. — The case of a slain Riverdale mother is detailed in police warrants as a gruesome four-day ordeal for the victim and her three daughters.”

“Family members said they urged Bowden to end her tumultuous relationship with Nazario, 33, but it didn’t work.”


Records: Shooting suspect killed previous wife

“Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd said Fogle has been married at least seven times and expressed outrage that he was a free man despite the earlier killing of one wife.”

“Of the seven, he’s managed to kill two of them. I wouldn’t want to marry him if he gets out again,” Judd said.”




After abuse, shattered smiles bring shame, stigma

“Debbie Dent escaped an abusive relationship more than a decade ago. Dent’s boyfriend punched her face so badly in 1995 that she could barely breathe.”

“Her boyfriend went to jail for several years, but when he was released, he convinced Dent that he still loved her and that he had changed. Dent says she felt ugly and alone, so allowed him back into her life. The hitting began again, and when Dent left this time, he tracked her down and beat her right eye in so badly, it had to be surgically removed.”

“Last year, Dent was chosen to participate in the Give Back a Smile program, sponsored by the American Academy of Cosmetic Dentistry Charitable Foundation, based in Madison, Wis. The program provides free care to abuse survivors with broken or damaged teeth.”


“I’ll Change, I promise” Six Signs of Genuine Repentance by Dr. Bryce Klabunde




Domestic Violence Against Women: How to Spot Abusive Men when Dating

Is Your Date an Abuser? Learn the Signs Before It’s Too Late



The Danger Assessment

The Danger Assessment helps to determine the level of danger an abused woman has of being killed by her intimate partner. It is free and available to the public. Using the Danger Assessment requires the weighted scoring and interpretation that is provided after completing the training. The Danger Assessment is available in a variety of languages.

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009-2013
All rights reserved.

Protected by Copyscape Web Plagiarism Detector


Posted by on February 21, 2011 in CYCLE OF VIOLENCE


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  1. crazylifeofalison

    February 25, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    Good summary of the situation. It truly is a terrible thing to endure.

    • ssofdv

      February 25, 2011 at 9:07 pm

      Yes, it is a terrible situation! Thanks much for stopping by.

  2. haunted_doc

    March 3, 2011 at 7:21 am

    that made a hell lot of sense! hmmmm…hope many come across this blog & to their senses before its too late for them.

    you are helping a lot of women out there!!
    God Bless you.

    • ssofdv

      March 3, 2011 at 9:56 am

      Hello haunted_doc,

      My eyes filled with tears after reading your comment. You have encouraged me more than words can express.

      So often those on the front lines wonder if their work is in vain. And now, I am assured that it isn’t. Someone is listening.

      It is the Holy Spirit working through me, I am a servant, willing to be used by God to accomplish His purposes in this matter. We are at war! It is His Power that flows through us, and His Word that heals.

      “My word, which comes from my mouth, is like the rain and snow. It will not come back to me without results. It will accomplish whatever I want and achieve whatever I send it to do.”

      Isaiah 55:11

      Our God is AWESOME! Praise Him!

      Thank you. God bless you as well.

      P.S “I’m just a NOBODY, trying to tell EVERYBODY about SOMEBODY who can save ANYBODY.” (I love that song)

      • haunted_doc

        March 11, 2011 at 4:04 am

        hey terry
        i’m so glad i could do that 🙂 just our Lord working through me to assure you that YES! your work is not in vain! 🙂

        yep, our Lord is an awesome God 🙂

        keep going hun!! 🙂

      • ssofdv

        March 11, 2011 at 9:21 am

        Hello haunted_doc,

        Thank you! Once again, you have made my day. Have a super great, safe, blessed, and very happy weekend.


  3. Hurt

    March 18, 2011 at 7:38 am

    Haunted_doc said the following: “hope many come across this blog & to their senses before its too late for them”

    I’ve come across this blog today and it opened up my eyes to so much confusion that i have been going through, Being in an abusive relationship myself and always trying to search for answers and reasons as to why He needs to be like that and why i need to go through things like im going through, this blog really got to me today.

    Im just so tired of trying to figure things out, my head feels like a tornado, and he makes me feel like im on a constant roller coaster ride, The times that he has lied to me, Played his manipulative mind games with me, abused me and then tries to turn everything around on me to make me look like the bad one is over!!! Im moving out next week, I just want to say one thing, if it wasnt for God on my side i would never have been able to try and stay strong, You know after every abuse, the name calling, the games, the physical, the emotional I’ve grown stronger and stonger, i use to be at a stage where i was just angry, and hurt but now im just left with hurt, Hurt with the fact that i never left earlier, or when i did leave once why did i go back to think that it would change? It realy never does.

    I want to write a book about what i went through the last 16 months of my life, and also hope to give women in a similar situation as me some insight into my life with an abuser, and hopefully it will also open up their eyes to alot of things.

    • ssofdv

      March 18, 2011 at 10:55 am

      Dear Haunted_doc,

      Praise God you were able to find something on my site to help you. It is my prayer that you and many others will find your way out of the turmoil, and with God’s help – start a new life free from pain and abuse. I hurt for all of you, for I know what you are going through. I awake in peace, and I slumber in peace – God’s Peace – but it wasn’t always like this. You too can bask in His Peace – there is nothing like it. It is priceless. Our Lord extends His hands to you, offering you His eternal, unfathomable Peace – take it – it is yours to have – if you want it.

      In many cases, there is no “Why” that you, the abused will understand. Trying to figure out what makes an abuser tick will drive you insane. The cunningness of abuse will keep your mind focused on the abuser, and you will slowly lose yourself in confusion and misery. You didn’t carry your abuser within your belly for nine months – you didn’t raise him from a child – you weren’t there when things happened in his life to mess him up – and you certainly will never touch that dark place where he is possibly hurting, or just plain evil. (NOTE: An abuser’s pain is no excuse for abuse).

      The answers are deep within his soul – and only God knows exactly what to touch and heal. Sometimes, abusers don’t have a label for their anger – it may be a combination of childhood hurts that they cannot explain. Then again, some children have been labeled “the devil’s child.” The “bad seed” they are sometimes called. Who is to say which one you are dealing with?

      Your head feels like a “tornado” because you are not where you are supposed to be. Your life is akin to a train derailment, and it isn’t running smoothly along the Divine path planned for you – therefore you are living a train wreck every day of your life. You recognize the issues, for you state them in your post. You are dealing with, confusion, lies, manipulation, mind games, abuse, false accusations, name calling, games, physical and emotional abuse, anger, hurt, and more confusion.

      Now ask yourself, “Is this how I desire to live?” “Do I not deserve more than this?” YES! You cannot fix, (heal) him. Nor can you fix, (heal) yourself without God’s help.

      Please do not beat yourself up over not leaving “earlier.” Somehow, women were born with this fixer-upper mentality, and we think that we can kiss the boo boos of our loved ones away – not always the case.

      Yes, God is on your side – and yet – He cannot act until you make a decision. You have to give Him something to work with. He will supply the strength you need, but you have to ask for it, seek it, and embrace it.

      Allow God to use your hurt for good. Write your book, and pour your heart and soul into it. Become a source of strength for others, and you will heal in time. Please do not allow the hurt to turn into bitterness. You sound like a very nice person, and I hope and pray that you will be good to yourself along the way. Put your focus on God, and your deliverance. When you are free you will still think about what happened – learn from your experiences.

      Abuse – it rarely stops.

  4. Beatdown woman

    September 28, 2012 at 1:43 am

    I do not understand why that I am in this abusive situation again! He grabbed me by my throat face to face and shattered both of my bones in my right leg. Which required multiple surgeries.He shot me in my upper left arm which I now have very limited use.He got away with it because I was too scared to tell the Police Detectives what he had done.I felt that if I told the truth he would kill my two children. I did recover after 3 and a half years but my physical apperance will never be the same. I did finally get the courage to leave the state and try and start over with out my kids for there safety. His gun shot too me has has required 26 surgeries and still more to go through at the age of 44. My Kids are doing well in a unknown location. I see them when it is safe for me too be in the area.One is in College and my son works full time.It has been 6 yrs when that happened too me. My children were not there so they did not see it, I recently met a man with whom we have alot in common with. He at first made me feel like I was good enough too be with.He made me feel good about myself as one could given my scars , limps ,low self-esteem, my children. He said he will always except me for the woman I am . What an idiot I am!! Just last night he awoke me and told me that …..( you will eat when I say you can, you will do as i tell you too , you will go too bed when I say and get up when I say, you will not have an opinion nor a choice.,he makes fun of me for my disablements . He drives over the road for a Union Co.Now I am scared too say anymore

    • ssofdv

      September 29, 2012 at 1:17 pm

      Hello “Beatdown woman,”

      I am truly sorry to hear of your situation. It is my prayer and hope that you will be able to leave the abuse again, and start over in peace. You are not an “idiot.” Unfortunately, your situation is typical concerning domestic violence and abuse. You are not the first woman to experience more than one abuser. I would like to address your statement:

      “I do not understand why that I am in this abusive situation again!”

      When we are vulnerable after abuse, it isn’t difficult to let someone outside of God and ourselves soothe our pain. Our self-esteem is low, and any kind word gives our spirits a lift. Abusers (sociopaths, psychopaths) – are known to prey on those who have been hurt in some way. Soothing your pain isn’t their goal. Their main objective is to win your heart, and gain control. What was done to you by others is not something they really care about – for they have their own objectives – dominance and control.

      Please understand that this next statement does not make you responsible for the abuse. On the other hand, we have free will and we are allowed to make our own choices. We can choose to take time to heal, or allow another human being control over our well-being. When we move on to another relationship without assessing what went wrong in the previous one, we may doom ourselves to the same situation.

      The abuse is never the fault of the abused, but human beings enter into relationships, form partnerships, and many other alliances through free will. There may be situations in life where people are forced to be a part of a life change they do not agree with, such as parents choosing your mate which happens in many cultures. But as far as the average relationship, we freely choose. Again, the abuse is not the fault of the abused.

      What I have to say in response to your post may not help you right now. But I pray that once you are free, you will take time to heal. Take time to form a relationship with your Creator. Take time to be with your children. Take time to find out who and what you really are. Take time to search for the meaning of YOUR life. Take time to know what went wrong in your relationships so that you can smell a rat from a distance. The abuse is not your fault. Abusers must own their ugly ways and hopefully repent. Please safely find a way out. Pray and ask God to help you find that open door.

      Lastly, please don’t allow what happened to your body cause you to feel inferior. When we have disabilities, many times we are grateful when someone pays attention to us. Unfortunately, abusers know that those who are disabled or suffer some type of impairment do not feel too good about themselves. You must change your outlook. You are created by a Wonderful Creator, and you are special to Him. Please believe that.


  5. FC

    October 16, 2012 at 1:08 am

    What do you recommend for moms who find themselves being violent with their kids (slapping, hitting, being impatient)? I have tried parenting classes/ therapy… anything more specific?

    • ssofdv

      October 17, 2012 at 1:12 am

      Hello “FC,”

      I have two replies, this is the first one.

      Why are you so angry? Who are you really angry with? And why do you take it out on your children?

      I recommend getting in touch with the source of your anger, and pain. You cannot give your children what you do not have yourself.

    • ssofdv

      October 17, 2012 at 1:17 am

      Hello FC,

      Thank you for your honesty, and the ability to recognize that you have a problem that needs to be addressed. Please know that I am not a licensed professional that deals with such matters. Whatever information I share with you will be my own personal opinions, and whatever research on this topic.

      I do understand this though, either you were hurt as a child, or hurt somewhere in your life which caused a lot of pain to turn into anger. The inner rage that you are now exhibiting towards your precious children is not only unfair to them, but to you as well. It is difficult to address your anger issues on a blog, and there seems to be more need of professional and spiritual help. Perhaps the therapy you had wasn’t right for you at the time. Have you tried others?

      Do you have help? Does anyone give you a break? Is the father of your children around to assist you? Did you get anything at all out of the parenting classes? Do you love your children? Do you hate them? Do you take care of them when not abusing them? What was it like for you growing up? Were you abused? What do you do to relieve your stress besides lashing out?

      There are many variables here, and no cut and dry answers. Family dysfunction has many faces and issues that often times are never resolved. People die and leave you nowhere to vent, and fear and shame keeps victims of abuse silent.

      At the end of this reply, it is my hope that whatever information I provide will help you. Most of all, do you know Jesus? Is He Lord of your life? Do you read the Bible? Do you pray? Do you ask Him to help you with your anger? Do you have another adult to talk to? A friend? Your mother? Sibling?

      Venting your frustrations on your children keeps the cycle of violence alive, and the family dysfunction passes on to the next generation. If you are hurting because you were abused as a child, your children will grow up to feel the same way you do now. Instead of a loving mother to be adored, you will be their “Mommy Dearest.” I know that sounds harsh, but it needed to be said.

      Personally, I have enough pain and anger to last me a lifetime. However, it is by the Grace of God that I don’t take it out on anyone. I was one that was “quick to anger.” But in time, the controlling of the Holy Spirit helped me to see things more clearly. It is wrong to pass on what was done to us as children or otherwise, especially to the most vulnerable – our children.

      Ephesians 4:31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.

      Psalm 37:8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret–it leads only to evil.


      Mothers Who Hurt Their Children


      Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. (Applies to mother’s as well especially if single)

      Please ask God to guide you as to your situation.


      • ssofdv

        October 17, 2012 at 1:47 am

        Here’s another thought “LC.”

        Hopefully there will not be a next time, but the next time you slap, become violent or abuse your child or children, step back and put yourself in their place. How would you feel receiving what you are dishing out? How would you feel being slapped in the face?

        When you abuse, you lack empathy. If your heart is stone, only God can break down the wall and plant seeds of compassion in your heart. This is what you are missing right now, empathy and compassion, love for your babies. Repent of your deeds, ask God for forgiveness and seek more help. Your children deserve better, and so do you.


  6. KJ

    February 18, 2013 at 10:49 pm

    I truly do not understand love anymore

    I have been in this relationship since I was 21, and today I am 35. Just right from the begining, I got pregnant with my daughter who is going to be 13 this year. The first time I told him that i was pregnant and he told me to have an abortion, and I refused. I moved in with hom when I was 5 month pregnant, and that is when the abuse started. The beating, name calling while pregnant. When my daughter was 10month old, he abandoned us for another woman. My daughter was admitted in the hospital arround the time he had left us, and he did not show up. Since I was not working, I went to him to ask for money to buy the medication for my daughter and he beat up because he was with the other woman. The next day I went to the hospital to see my doctor because of my injuries and my doctor call the police…he was arrested. The first day that he was in jail, he called me and started to ask for a forgiveness and told me that he was sorry. I forgave him and got back with when he was released from jail. I thought that every thing was going to be alright but it didn’t. He started cheating and verbally abusing me again. I endep getting pregnant, and had a nother little girl by him, then another baby boy in 2006. In 2009, I caught him cheating with two other women and try to talk to him about it, he got mad and beat me up very bad he also broke my knee. I went to the ER and lied that I felt on the stairs. When I was release from the hospital, he said that he was sorry and it’s never going to happen but it did not. Recently we broke up for 7 months and my children were really sad, I called him and asked him if was willing to change to we can raise the kids together. He said, he loves too much and cannot live withput me and his children. Just 1month after he returned and he started again, and the verbal abuse bacame really bad. I have been depressed for the past month, I can’t function properly, I can’t even take care of my children,I have having headaches for the past 10days, and I am so very angry at myself for allowing him to come back in my life. I asked to leave and he said he’s going to leave by the end of this month. Being in the same room with just make me worthless and I am scared to ask to leave right now because of his violence. I do not know what to do anymore, and also do not know if I have to tell my children this time, but I am very tired .

    • alsossofdv

      February 20, 2013 at 10:54 am

      Hello KJ,

      I am truly sorry to hear what is happening to you and your children.
      Your perception of love may be on target, however, it is those who know nothing about love that give love a bad image. The most powerful emotion on earth that represents the God of heaven is love. “For God so loved”….”God is love.”

      It is not uncommon for women to suffer abuse during co-habitation and pregnancy. In fact, these two situations produce higher incidences of violence against women worldwide. It is very common for abusers to cheat in relationships, and they will abuse the other women as well.

      When abusers say “I am sorry,” it is usually their way of getting close to you again. And it is also a way of breaking down defenses to avoid further consequences for their actions. It is very rare that an abuser truly repents from the heart and changes. Without God and much time – most likely they will never change. “I am sorry” is not the same as deep remorse over wrong doing.

      Do you have family or friends that you can confide in? There are many resources listed on this site, perhaps you may find them useful in light of your situation. In either case, you will be no good for your children mentally in this situation. Of course they will be sad to not have their father, but in the long run, what happens when he starts abusing them? What abused women do not understand most times is this; children are the silent victims in domestic violence. They hear, see, feel, internalize, and are affected by the abuse. You may think that you are the only one harmed, not so.

      My suggestion, get safely away, talk to the children later. They won’t understand now anyway. Raising your children in a violent and abusive household does not show them how to love others. It teaches them to either become abusers, or to accept abuse as normal family functions. How can you teach your children wholesome family values when you yourself feel “worthless?” How can you teach them to stand up for themselves, or understand justice if you give in? You must find the strength to move yourself and your children to a safe place. Moving past this situation can be done, you just have to desire it above all else.

      Please call 911 when you are abused to document your situation. The domestic violence hotline is available 24-hours of the day – 1-800-799-7233, (TTY-1-800-787-3224).

      This man does not love you. He has no concept of love. He is a dangerous sociopath, and the next time – your children may be without a mother. The truth hurts, but it is what makes us strong.



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