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AFTER THE VIOLENCE – THEY HAD SEX

20 Oct

By Terry Loving

It was another night of violence – body slamming – glass breaking – yelling – punching – the same scenario,  every time. Except this time, something was different.

My mother wasn’t sitting on the couch nursing her wounds. Maybe she didn’t get hurt that badly this time? Someone did – the sounds of violence were too intense for no harm done. Something was different though – it was quiet – too quiet – did someone die? Hopefully, it wasn’t my mother. What would we do? Where would we go? It was quiet, too quiet.

……………………………………………….

As I slowly crept to the closed bedroom door, I heard moaning. Someone was still alive. Did my mother need a doctor? Was she bleeding like the last time? I was afraid to open the door – but I had to know if my mother needed help. My hands were shaking, but I forced them to turn the knob, and open the bedroom door. It was a “No-No” to open the grown-ups bedroom door without permission – but this was an emergency – my emergency – I had to find out if my mother was still alive.

……………………………………………….

Nothing could have prepared my young mind for the confusion I experienced that day. My mother was alive, hurt, but alive. Her abuser was in the same position that he was always – on top – they were having sex. I stood there for just a moment trying to take it in. I wasn’t interested in the act itself – but the explanation. How could she take a beating like that, and they have sex afterward? I was a kid then, I can’t remember my age – but I knew that what was happening wasn’t something that was supposed to happen. Sex?? How??

……………………………………………….

A friend of mine confided in me that his parents had sex after the violence as well. Ike Turner and many other abusers expect/demand sex after they beat their victims senseless. For abusers this is the icing on the violence, a coming down after a building up. For the victim, this is forced sex, humiliation, torture, adding insult to injury, and in many cases – marital rape.

……………………………………………….

As a child, I could not understand why my mother would allow it. As an adult, I realize that she had no choice. Why face another beating when you are already bleeding and broken – just give in and survive. And that is what sex after a beat-down amounts to – survival. No one can convince me that a battered woman enjoys sex after physical abuse. Personally, I had a hard time being intimate with my ex-husband after his verbal tirades. In fact, I didn’t. So, I know that this isn’t sex that is enjoyed. If so, then both abuser and the abused have serious issues.

……………………………………………….

If you are living with violence and abuse – sexual abuse – it won’t be long before you are an empty shell. You will be among the walking dead, soul-less, and you will have nothing left. I pray for your strength to get out of the hellish life you are living, seek help. If you stay, there are only two roads that will lead your life – anger and revenge – depression, and possibly suicide – either way – death. You are worth much more than that to God. He loves you. You are worthy of love and respect no matter what you have gone through. Honor yourself – live!

……………………………………………….

NATIONAL CENTER  – on Domestic and Sexual Violence

http://www.ncdsv.org/

SIGNS OF ABUSE AND ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

MENTAL HEALTH RESOURCES

http://www.findcounseling.com/journal/domestic-violence/sexual-abuse.html

……………………………………………….

“My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold and my refuge; My savior, You save me from violence.” (2 Samuel 22:3 – NASB)

……………………………………………….

http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org


No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.

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16 Comments

Posted by on October 20, 2010 in SEX AND THE BATTERED WOMAN

 

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16 responses to “AFTER THE VIOLENCE – THEY HAD SEX

  1. belinda

    November 12, 2012 at 4:30 pm

    Does abuse stop ? he was in jail for almost four months. good behavior let him out… he beat her twice and assualted her w deadly weapon..the car also he found spiritual help in jail baptized. court judge put ten year stay away him from her and her from him. neither want to follow court order they say it is love. he pulled her hair punched her kicked her into closet and stumped her leg….they are together in love? is it all better he is no longer considered an abuser? changed in such short time? i have cut him out of our daughters life. she is a baby girl 7. yrs old. i do not want them around her….it is all drama..i am sad and hurt deeply . he is the daddy.. i just want to keep my beautiful daughter safe!

     
    • ssofdv

      November 14, 2012 at 2:53 pm

      Hello Belinda,

      Unfortunately, abuse rarely stops. A prison term and “good behavior” while incarcerated has nothing to do with inner change and repentance. This is just a way of playing the system – pretending to be a “model” citizen while in prison. The hardened and dark hearts are still the same. And just because one gets “baptized,” that does not mean any real change within either. It takes much more than these actions for abusers to change if they ever do. It doesn’t sound like his “spiritual” experiences in prison did him any good – not that there is no Power in the blood of Jesus – just no power in the religious rituals of today.

      If a court order and a judge cannot keep two people bent on destruction from one another, there isn’t anything you can do either. “Love?” – Not hardly – more like serious dysfunction. They both need help that you cannot give them. He is still considered an “abuser” by his present actions. This sounds like a very dangerous situation that will not end well. The best that can happen is that the child involved will be safe from harm. I am sorry for your experiences. I will pray for you and your family.

      Peace

       
  2. Belinda

    July 4, 2013 at 3:58 am

    JUNE ……MY DAUGHTER CALLS ME SAYING I LOVE YOU! COME THIS WEEKEND….I LAUGHED REASON…HE CHEATED….ON ME….LEFT ME TO BE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN…..HE HAS SERIOUS DOMESTIC ISSUES ….TWO FELONYS…HE WAS IN COURT A COUPLE DAYS AGO…FACING CHARGE CORPORAL INJURY….JUDGE REINSTATED PROBATION WAS IMPRESSED HE HAD TAKEN 26 classes …and gave him till 2014 to complete more plus community service ….my question? If this relationship they have is not healthy. Why does it continue and why does he Risk it all. We have a Beautiful daughter together. I do Love him. although my Priority is our Blessing Gift from God. Our daughter . Her Safety and give her love..stability..in a loving home seeing whats Best for her…I let him know I love you but you need to be a healthy dad. Will he ever understand the Responsibility of a Father..and if Court ordered both him/her stay away TEN years NO contact….why does this continue 2012 May he Beat her First Felony now 2013 Second Felony Charge Corporal Injury …Help……

     
    • ssofdv

      July 5, 2013 at 12:23 pm

      Belinda,

      At this point, the only wise thing you can do is take care of yourself and your daughter. It is unfortunate that you have a connection to this sick man, and that you are aware of his domestic issues. Your daughter’s father is not a “healthy dad.” And she would be better off without him as long as he is conducting his life this way – but that is a choice you will have to make.

      “Why does this continue?” – because there are two people involved that are sick. The woman does not feel good about herself, and is probably beat down by now. It would take inquiry into her background to fully understand why she accepts such mistreatment. She desperately needs help and so does her abuser. Hopefully he won’t kill her one day, but from the sound of things it is very possible.

      Your ex “risks it all” because he has a serious problem with abuse. He feels entitled to do what he does, so the law means nothing to him. Again, knowing the background of both the abused and abuser may shed some light on the situation. Where and from whom did he learn to be abusive? Why is he so angry? What are his fears? Does he fear abandonment? Many abusers do fear being left alone, so they control by abuse. Who is to say why he does what he does, except because he can and it is allowed because the woman breaks her own court order and allows him back in her life.

      Personally, I would not want my daughter around him as long as he lives this way. What positive things can she really learn from him? He knows nothing about love, therefore, he could not teach her about it or even sincerely show it. Stay safe Belinda. Keep your distance would be my advice. There is nothing you can do for these self-destructive grown ups except pray for them.

      Peace

       
  3. Belinda

    August 2, 2013 at 12:31 am

    My daughter dad…..is out reinstated probation. needs to keep taking classes. and do 120 hrs community service. the woman he abused ….and court put ten year stay away…now is saying she will be his wife soon. i said a Ring and a Piece of paper does not make a relationship. The way you treat each other …tenderness…kindness…respect…loyalty..honesty..patience this shows love….she insisted they are in Love! I got frustrated and said Hopefully we all can get are Shit together by the time ….Our daughter is graduating sixth grade to be there all together….for her…it has always been about him being taken care of…never has he hold a job steady…since i was pregnant …he needed me to be there…i was i gave him so much Love. i was Patient …understanding…and he choice to cheat and go with her. now he has two Felonys and they think ???marriage is the solution???? Pray all i can do? i feel hopeless and helpless! although being A single mom with my Beautiful daughter I am So Blessed!

     
    • ssofdv

      August 2, 2013 at 12:28 pm

      Hello Belinda,

      Yes, “pray” is all you can do. They are grown-ups, and allowed to make their own choices in life. “Love is blind” as the saying goes. However, in this case both parties need some serious help. Their relationship is more about sickness than love. The is nothing that you can do or say to help this woman see the truth. Nor can you keep your daughter’s dad from seriously hurting or killing this woman some day.

      Marriage is certainly not the answer for this couple, but no one will be able to stop the wedding. Focus on your daughter, and being the best mother you can be for her. If the situation is not good for her to be involved in, then make the loving choice to keep her at a distance. You will have the courts and the history of abuse and the felony to help you plead a case if necessary.

      You gave up your life, sanity, and peace once for him – isn’t it time to break free? Let them go, and live your own life. You are staying connected to unnecessary drama that keeps you stuck in the past. It is their lives to live. As much as you desire to rescue this woman, you cannot. She as all abused women will have to come to the place of “enough” on her own. Prayerfully she will survive to be able to make that decision.

      You feel “hopeless” and “helpless” over something that you cannot control. I know that feeling all too well. “Let go, let God.” He gave us all free will, use yours to make a wonderful life for you and your daughter.

      Peace

       
  4. Belinda

    September 20, 2013 at 12:51 am

    My daughters dad out now. working and getting DUI classes and domestic classes ect…i change my cell phone number to avoid chaos…drama between the girl he will be marrying this weekend. he calls my work alot insisting to see our daughter…i asked him give it a year…you concentrate get your things together…and assured him it will go fast. gave the good news our daughter now third grade…reading advance…doing really well in school. he insisted need to see her….things get so unreasonable with..them because trying to make arrangements to meet.all of sudden his excuses no money for gas…ect…so then why call saying want to see our daughter. he says he loves me? wants my Pu??? all mind games…today i went to court put a restraining order to Protect my daughter…let Court know his domestic history and alcohol abuse among more..Judge Denied it? Hearing is set for two weeks…now what can i do…i just want to keep my Beautiful daughter mentally..emotionally and physically Safe….and Healthy .

     
    • ssofdv

      September 21, 2013 at 10:40 am

      Hello Belinda,

      Your request of you ex is very reasonable. He should be focusing on changing his life for the better. You can have his calls blocked at work, providing it won’t make things hard for you with your employer.

      His getting married soon shows that he has not put in the time to make change in his own life. DUI and domestic classes don’t change a person’s heart and character. They just learn what they did wrong, and most times repeat the behaviors for their hearts are still the same.

      If he has no money for gas, sounds like he has no job as well. As far as him saying that he “loves you”, he truly has issues. Obviously he isn’t capable of loving anyone, let alone himself. Red flag!

      In many states you can appeal a denied restraining order. Whatever state you live in, type in Google – “How to Appeal a Restraining Order Dismissal.” You will find many links concerning this topic.

      Understand that the courts do not make decisions based on feelings and emotions – just facts, more so, proven facts. Please research the links and see if there is something that can help you. If you are in danger, perhaps they will reconsider.

      Please let me know how you are doing, and thank you for the update.
      Peace

      https://www.google.com/search?q=denied+restraining+order+how+to+appeal&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a

       
  5. Belinda

    September 30, 2014 at 3:58 am

    The Wedding was Sept 2013. NO ONE WAS ABLE TO STOP THE WEDDING! On the Contrary it was Supported by my daughters Grandma… She bought the Wedding Ring and Arranged to Pay for all expense. small Ceremony at Chapel Any time Wedding. It is now year later. My daughter Dad and i are Peaceful. and with Respect to his wife. Peaceful as Well. My Beautiful Daughter is now Nine…Doing well in school…We count our Blessings! We are trying to Draw close to Jehovah God…so he will Strenghten us and Guide us the right direction. I believe things Happen for a Reason…Lessons to Learn in Life…so we Love….Laugh and Learn and we Need Peace….We Choose to Be Happy….We also Choose to Love Jehovah God and His Ways…which are True and Righteous.

     
    • ssofdv

      October 3, 2014 at 3:19 pm

      Thank you for the update Belinda. I am happy to hear that all is well. Choosing Jehovah is the right choice for help and guidance. Jesus is the Prince of peace.

      Peace

       
  6. Belinda

    July 2, 2015 at 9:21 pm

    So much has Happened….very SaD.
    our daughter almost ten now, in a couple of month’s. Right before her dad was sent to jail again for Domestic Violence. He called me saying I love you! And i want to be in Good Company with you , our daughter and my son. I said “You decided to marry Patricia” make arrangements…he then was so mad…said that blank ..blank sits on her fat a.. and blank…blank Don’t know what to do? I again said…you two are married..that’s your Problems…..we hung up saying I Love you!

     
    • ssofdv

      July 14, 2015 at 7:44 am

      Hello Belinda,
      Unfortunately, we can only change ourselves, and this is difficult at times. Your ex has a lot of deep seated issues that he needs to work through. You may truly love him, but he has a wrong concept of love for others, even himself. Humans tend to look to other humans to make their lives bearable. Much conflict comes in relationships when we enter in with unrealistic expectations of our mate. It happened with you, and it is happening with your ex and his new wife. No one can “fix” him, or cure what ails him but God and himself.

      Stay well, and stay strong Belinda.
      Peace

       
  7. Belinda

    September 22, 2015 at 2:06 pm

    Our daughter just turned 10yrs, last Friday; )
    Her dad was given 3 yrs State Prison, he had credit for Previous Case and has been in since last year December 😦
    Protective Order was placed on his wife by Judge ( No Contact)
    And now that he is getting out, his ride will be his wife and supposedly her father?
    Three Felonies all Domestic Violence with, her!
    She plays two roles the victim and wife!
    What’s the odds of him returning to State Prison?
    They should of never married, all they have had is issues of Domestic Violence!
    I believe both have issues of Domestic Violence 😦
    What’s the ending, our daughter not having her dad, and this is just very sad:(
    Whenv we it STOP!!!!

     
  8. ssofdv

    October 1, 2015 at 11:50 pm

    “When will it stop?” Unfortunately, not until someone is dead. It happens all the time. Sad but true.
    Protect you and your daughter, that is all you can do.

    UPDATE: I spoke this from experience. Most all of the self-destructive people I have known are “dead.” They were violent, alcoholics, drug addicts and lived life like no other person mattered – not even God. People who live this way usually do not live very long lives. They simply self-destruct, or worst yet – someone takes their lives.

     
  9. Belinda

    October 26, 2015 at 3:38 am

    October 23rd 2015 My daughter’s DaD is released from High Desert State Prison, i have alot of mixed feelings?
    SaD, knowing the facts of his situation! He broke Parole right out of Prison. He has no Respect for Authority and neither does his victim /wife! Can he really love her? Dead ? Will this really be the ending?
    Wait! Pray and Stay Positive Focus on our Beautiful Daughter now 10yrs old…He called, I did not answer….Drama. he came to San Diego..to see his Father! And quickly wanted to just hug ? Our daughter? That’s not Love!!!! A quick 5min HuG…..both my daughters Dad and Patricia are supported by my daughters Grandparents 😦
    That’s the sad reality! 50 yr old man…we was in our mid 30s ….when we was…3yrs our daughter was…when the Domestic Violence Issues Started between Them..I have mixed feelings!
    Happy he is out Free 🙂 not in Prison. .I do love him…Want the Best for him! Just very, very, SaD! His decisions going back to the same…..
    Dead! Will that be the ending? Someone Dead?

     
    • ssofdv

      October 26, 2015 at 1:53 pm

      Hello Belinda,
      “Dead! Will that be the ending? Someone Dead?”

      Neither us are God so we cannot say for sure how the story ends. “Dead” – it happens a lot as some people are self-destructive and have great difficulty changing their lives. Could there be another “happier” ending? It is possible. However, the parties that are causing others and themselves harm have to be willing to change. They cannot do this alone. Nor can you change either of them. We can love self-destructive people from afar, and that is all we can do – pray and hope.

       

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