By Terry Loving
He beat you, said all kinds of terrible things to and about you; threw you down the stairs; stressed you out to the point of you getting ill; lied to you about everything; made your life so miserable that you want to die, and yet – you are jealous that he has another woman. After all that you have suffered, you would think that you’d be happy that some other woman has taken that maniac off of your hands. Instead, you lie awake at night, thinking about your ex-abuser and his new love.
Whether a relationship ends on equal terms, or because of violence and abuse, we always wonder about the new love in the life of our ex. Even if we have moved on, remarried and are reasonably happy with our new lives, the curiosity is still there. A past memory may bring to mind a romantic picnic, or a memorable family holiday. In the case of domestic violence and abuse, the curiosity concerning the new love interest may serve to intensify the painful memories that we try so hard to forget. The bully is gone, moved on with someone new – and you can’t do the same, why?
The abused have many reasons why they feel emotionally, mentally and perhaps spiritually attached to an ex-abuser. For one thing, it took years to get beat down to not loving yourself, and it will take years to heal and learn to set healthy boundaries. In my case, it took me a long time to just like myself, for I spent many quiet moments wondering – “What did I do?” “What did I say?” “Where did I miss the signs?” “Why doesn’t he love me?” “Why did he bloody my nose?” “Can I ever do enough?” “How in the world did I get into this mess?”
If the new woman is perceived to be prettier, younger, has a nice body, or other physical attributes that we zone in on, you start to compare, and jealousy rears its ugly head. You the abused, are left in a mess in every way; barely getting out of bed in the morning, and now you have to experience a slap in the face – again. You thought about moving to a new neighborhood, but your finances are in shambles. When you ex got fired from his job, you took care of everything, including him. And now you are financially broke and broken hearted.
Don’t be fooled by what you see on the outside. The abuser hasn’t changed his ways, just partners. In time –unfortunately – his new love will see him for what he is – violent and out of control. There is no need, nor is it recommended that you should warn her of the dangers of dating him – she won’t listen. Rest assured that the perpetrator has convinced the new woman in his life that his former girl-friend, (you) were nothing but “trouble.” Think about it, do you honestly believe that he will tell her that the relationship ended because he tired of using and abusing you – and he needed fresh meat? You are not a challenge anymore. He beat you down so low that you don’t even fight back, verbally or otherwise. In his eyes, “You are no fun!”
Here’s the real truth. One of the reasons that your abuser mistreated you is because you could not fix all that is wrong with him. As expectations go, new couples are high on the possibility that they have found the person who will complete them. Only God can complete human beings, for He made us. Disappointment sets in when the fantasy wears off, and true personas emerge – hence the violence and abuse.
It does no good to needlessly worry your mind with false notions that the new woman will be treated much better than you were. Give it time, and she will be a prisoner of tainted love just as you were. And know this; marriage will only trap her in a hell that you should be grateful to God that you escaped. Instead of leaving notes on her car or finding other ways to warn her, pray for her – she may not make it out alive as you have.
Most of all get some help! The sooner you find healing for yourself, the quicker you will get over your abuser. You will never forget the awful experiences, but you will be able to move on – if that is your desire.
The more you fantasize about your ex-abuser and his new love, the more you will make yourself sick. The sicker you are, the less productive you will be, and they will move on while you are still stuck. In fact, you will hinder your own progress to turn your life around. Be happy; be glad; REJOICE! You are free! You no longer have to endure abuse from a sick mind and perverted heart. He has found another unsuspecting soul to destroy from the inside out. In time, you will heal if you allow God to provide the healing balm that your soul is crying out for.
Whatever you and your ex used to do together, find something else to do. You must renew your mind, and change your routine. Spend your precious brain power on positive ways to change your life, and not on wishing what could have happened in the relationship. Wishful thinking just keeps you stuck, angry, disappointed, and down on your-self. LET IT GO! Replace every negative thought with a positive. Don’t hang around people who feel sorry for themselves, or people who need to make you feel bad so that they can feel good.
Most of all PRAY! Ask God for help to overcome your pain. The blood of our Lord cleanses us spiritually, and renews our spirits in Him. This world is passing away, and the only important thing in life is preparing to spend eternity somewhere. Don’t let the devil throw you off track and miss heaven. Loneliness may hurt for a while, but at least you will live.
“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”
You can do it with the help of Jesus Christ.
DO YOU REALLY MISS HIM?
- Are You in an Abusive Relationship? (lifescript.com)
- Ten Signs of an Abusive Relationship: The Time to Leave is Always Now! (socyberty.com)
- Emotional Abuse: Understanding Mentally Violent Relationships (emotional-verbal-abuse.suite101.com)
- 17 reviews of A woman who has been abused or beaten by her mate/spouse for the second or third time. (rateitall.com)
- Love, Boomerang-Style (lifescript.com)
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© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
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April 3, 2011 at 1:09 pm
This makes so much of sense! In later stages of abuse, the abuser used this as a weapon saying his parents were extremely controlling and hence had decided the girl he was to marry!!
Inspite of all the abuse I endured, this possibility was something that just couldn’t take!!
It keep surprising me that a man of 21 knew so much of about the working of the mind of an abused.
God help all those suffering in various ways.
God Bless you Terry for soothing so many abused souls.
April 4, 2011 at 12:12 pm
Is this a culture thing – the parents choosing the wife for their son? Are they rich, threatening to cut off his inheritance? Other than that, I don’t see a “strong” young man giving in to his parents desires for his life. Or, is he using this an excuse to dump one he has abused for another?
If you are saying that your abuser is going to marry someone else because of his parents wishes, you are better off. If it is you they have chosen, I say, “RUN!”
Abusers understand a lot about abuse while growing up with it, and practicing it. Men in general study women, and use their vulnerabilities to gain control. Age doesn’t really matter when it comes to minds gravitating towards devious endeavors.
Yes, may “God help all those suffering in various ways.” But remember this, we live in a dying world. In the world to come, there will be no suffering. Many will suffer in this life, especially those who “desire to live godly in Christ Jesus.” As we share in His suffering, we also share in His glory. Yet, I will say this over and over again, domestic violence and abuse are not the will of God.
Take care of yourself.
February 20, 2014 at 1:25 pm
As i sit here reading this passage i am almost in tears….it has been 6years since i separated and divorced my my abusive husband. i have moved on gotten married and had two beautiful children, my current marriage isn’t working out he has left me and our two children. Lately i have been missing my previous husband so much to the point that i have decided to contact him…..to sit down talk to him and get some kind of closure.i don’t know if it will help but i have to try.
i am so ready to move on i’m tired of living in our past memories and the good times we had. i believe he is now married or engaged and i sometimes find myself feeling some type of way about it…
Everything that was said in the article was sooooo true and really helped, it also confirmed alot of what i already knew. I liked it most of all because it used biblical principles.thank you so much continue to be a blessing to god’s people
February 21, 2014 at 12:01 pm
I am very sorry to hear of your situation, my heart goes out to you. It is normal to think of past loves and remember the good things about them. In the case of your ex-husband, you must also remember the abuse. It is OK to forgive if that is your preference; however, never forget how he treated you in the past. Abuse rarely stops, and abusers rarely change.
It is not uncommon for the abused to imagine that an abuser will treat his new love with respect. It is only your imagination that conjures up this image – you don’t really know. And most likely, the new partner is suffering in some way as well.
If an abuser hasn’t changed from the heart, please believe that the new woman will be abused too. The reason why women think the new partner will be treated better is because they blame the abuse on themselves. Properly assigning responsibility for the abuse will help you to move on. It was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done to change your ex.
Instead of looking backwards and focusing only on the “good” times, focus on a new life and future for you and your children. Men will come and go; your children are yours forever. It is my hope and prayer that you will be able to see the big picture and move on. There is no need to go backwards, there is nothing there. Again, abusers rarely change.