31 Jul

As you grow older, and hopefully wiser, you tend to learn some vital lessons. Well, at least that is the way life should be. One of the things that I have finally learned is this-my life without a man is doing just fine. Oh sure, I often miss male companionship; the scent of a man, strong-arms to hug me, and much more. On the flip side, I compensate by learning what makes me as a woman tick; I mean REALLY tick! I’ve been living most of my life from the outside looking in. Whichever way I was defined, I accepted-starting with my parents. For once in my life, I am learning to see the REAL me from the inside out. My validation and self-worth no longer depend on human interpretation-except my personal opinion, and the Divine, God.

It would be a wonderful thing if fairy tale marriages were really REAL. But anyone that has been married knows that it takes a lot of hard work to keep it together. And because we as women were brainwashed into believing they we are nothing without a man, we often do most of the work in a relationship-in every way. I grew up with the fairy tales that deceived woman for years. And we still haven’t learned a thing yet! There is no Prince Charming; no castles in the sky; and in this economy, you’d better pray your man can find a job!

I can’t deny that I have made my share of mistakes in my choice of men. I had no decent parents to show me the way in terms of mate selection, what to keep and what to throw back in the dumpster. So, life grew me up, and yes, it did take a very long time. I was brainwashed, and conditioned like most women to think that having a man in my life was everything. Our society will convince you through various mediums that not having a mate is un-cool.  If you are alone too long, relatives and outsiders tend to conclude that there is something wrong with you. You are so flawed in some way that you can’t get or keep a man long enough to experience “happily ever after.” Baloney!

Well now, just let me say this, from what I read, watch on the news and experience within our so-called civilized society, perhaps I am better off without a man. Domestic violence and abuse are so out of control it is scary! At least once a week the news tells another woe of family violence. Men are taking out whole families, killing the children and themselves.  There are exceptions where woman are the perps, and that is equally sad.

It is possible that many women can experience more self-satisfaction and inner happiness and peace just loving the single life on their terms. I am learning to do just that. Don’t get me wrong, I do have male “friends,” and they are JUST that. One is married, one is divorced, and one has never been married. Two are Christian men, and the other; well we never discussed that-not yet anyway. They are good people, and they are my dear friends. And yes, it is possible to be JUST friends with men. You have to set the ground rules and stick with them. Besides, I never wanted to lose them as my dear friends, so that is why my heart never drifted into the romantic frame of mind. I love them, and they love me,  just the way we are.

I bring this up because I am deeply concerned about someone that I know. She has been an abused woman in several relationships, and I suspect that she doesn’t like herself very much. I am not sure why she allows herself time and again to connect to men that most women would not look twice at. She is currently in a relationship of which I suspect she is planning to take it further, but it is not in her best interest. Playing cupid I am not, and she is certainly allowed to make her own mistakes, but I so loathe the idea of her relationship-here’s why.

First of all, this guy has no job, no car, and he looks like a bum! In my opinion, he IS A BUM! The first few times that I was in his presence, he had on the same clothes.   Ok, I don’t knock anyone who is down on his or her luck, or having a hard time. But it was obvious that this man is a bum. It is also obvious that he has no ambition, and no self-pride. There were some real men “back in the day” that would not live off of a woman. If he didn’t have anything to offer her, he would feel some sort of shame, and would most likely turn away. Oh but not today! Too many males, notice I didn’t say men-are looking for women that will literally take care of them. And she is doing just that, taking care of him. It turns my stomach.

Is it possible to say anything to her? No! She would just get angry and our friendship would be further damaged. I have tried to help her in the past. But she won’t listen to the facts and reason. As long as she is caught up in the bliss of a relationship, she is seemingly happy. She doesn’t seem to mind that she is taking care of him. She works, he doesn’t. She moved him into her apartment, he had none of his own. She drives him around in her car, he has none of his own. And worst of all, she has a child to care for. UUUUGGGGHHHHHH!

When we lower our standards, we invite trouble into our lives-even domestic violence and abuse. If a “male” has that much control over your mind/body as described in this person’s relationship, he gets to be the Dictator. Men that aren’t “men” will take advantage of a woman’s weakness in a heartbeat. This is one of the ways that women get stuck in abusive situations. You have a man that doesn’t have a job, car, means of taking care of himself, and now you want to kick him out-because you’re drained.  Of course he is going to get angry, even if he is the one who cheated on you with his next intended victim. On that note, he has the nerve to get indignant because you caught and confronted him for the cheating. What happens next? In too many cases, violence and abuse. Now the ugly comes out and you are verbally, and physically assaulted because you are standing up for your rights.

You think to yourself, “I am taking care of him, he should be grateful!” NOT! Now it becomes a game to him. He’s off to see what the next weak-willed woman will LET HIM GET AWAY WITH. And that is it in a nutshell; men do ugly and wicked things because they can! We as women put up with their foolishness just to have someone in our lives, and they wear us out, make us look ugly and old before our time. For the most part, the little boys that don’t grow up have us women to blame. Ok, the violence and abuse is strictly on them. No one is to blame for that except the one who is being violent. But what I am saying is, we as women tolerate too much junk from males, and then we let them go too far sometimes. When he shoves, he will hit; when he screams, he will curse; when he hits, he will murder.

I divorced abuse, and I am having the time of my life building my writing career. It took a long time to understand that having a man is not important, especially if he is the wrong man. And who is to say any particular man is the “right” man? Is it possible that it will take some very hard work in the relationship before The Ogre becomes Mr. Right? We are created beings that evolve, and grow. Well, should anyway. No one comes wrapped in a perfect package. And once the package-the facade is stripped away, you have to deal with the real person and not the fantasy.

So I leave you with this to ponder. Is it that important to have a man if you are not willing to do the homework before you get involved? He’s tall, dark, handsome and alone-why? Who kicked him out? Who left him and why? What is he hiding that could hurt you? He has no job and he wants to move in your place-why? That question should be obvious, but to many women it is not. They believe the hype, and the promises that he has potential. He just needs you to bring it out. What a crock!

Anyway, I just needed to get that out today. Hope it does someone some good.

Get some standards ladies! Real men respect that.

Get strong and stay strong!

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Posted by on July 31, 2009 in SURVIVING DOMESTIC ABUSE


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  1. annb106

    August 3, 2009 at 1:02 am

    You have that down to the letter. We should realize that we can be just as happy and satisfied, being alone. After all that is what we need, so that we can learn about self love. Without that we really have nothing. We need to see things for what it really is. They say that nine times out of ten, if it walks and talks like it’s not worth your time it usually isn’t. But, there are those smooth talker’s. Once again if it sounds and looks like it’s too good to be true it usually is. Usually we get a glimpse that something is not right, that is the time to walk away instead of holding on to something that somewhere deep down inside we know that there is something really wrong. Holding on to someone that has nothing, and not trying to get anything except for a free ride, it will be a long road to heart-ache and pain. The only reason those people try to cling to someone that has something is because they are blood sucking leaches. We don’t need a man that we have to have backs. We shouldn’t accept the broken promises. It is truly time for women to get a life and see men for what they are. If they don’t have anything to offer you in the beginning, they wan’t have anything in the end, unless it is what they have taken from you.
    Barbara Hart

  2. ssofdv

    August 4, 2009 at 12:39 am

    Hello Barbara, and thank you for stopping by. I really appreciate your comments, and you have very valid points as well. Oh yes! The “smooth talkers” are everywhere. And they have it down to a science what pretty words will get them in the door. They are the “opportunist” that perfects their game so well that it is difficult to see through the lies. They are the smell good brothers in our churches; the bums that know they are bums, but will run a game anyway. They are the baby-daddies that don’t pay child support: the creeps that worm their way into our heads, hearts, homes, pocket books, and make our lives hell. But is it their entire fault? Hhhhmmmmm.

    I had a guy tell me one time that women are the way they are because men make them that way. Meaning the women would jump off of a cliff just to have Your-High-oops, I mean, Your-Sorry-ness. The gist of what he was saying is, men act like gods of the universe, and needy women treat them as such. We treat them like husbands before marriage, and we volunteer a life of servitude even without the ring and marriage license. We do this all in the name of marking our supposed territory, forgetting that no human being truly belongs to another. And what do the users do after all is said and done? NEXT!

    An eighty-year-old friend once made this comment: “If we had better women, we would have better men.” Mrs. Fuller made this comment after we had gone to the movies to see the Color Purple. At first I took offense to what she said being that we had just watched a horrific tale of domestic violence. I thought she was blaming the abused women in the movie for the violence. She wasn’t. When I really thought about it, what she said made sense in general. I choose to interpret it this way though: “If women raised the bar, the men would have to jump higher.” Even if the majority of the women in the world chose to keep on keeping on, those of us who are enlightened can and must raise the bar of standards in our personal lives. If not, if we keep on doing the same things, well it stands to reason that nothing will change.

    We have no right to complain about the quality, or the lack there of concerning men-if we are going to perpetuate the crime. I have learned the hard way that you can’t give your heart without receiving action. Lip service is an old game that women should, by now, scoff at and kick to the curb. It doesn’t take five years to realize that a man is stringing you along. Most of all, if you can’t stand your own company,your alone-ness,you are in trouble.

    Learning to love you is not a selfish act. To say you don’t “feel like cooking dinner tonight” is no cause for a beat-down. The wrong person in your life can make you despise marriage, and the God who ordained this Holy institution. I still believe in marriage. I am just “doing me” at the moment. I feel freer than I have ever felt in my entire life. I spent my childhood caring for alcoholic parents, got married, raised kids, and escaped abuse. Now, I am using my gifts for the kingdom of God, and doing my best to keep striving for holiness. Is it easy? No, it is not. However, I imagine my earthly struggles are much easier than an eternity in that extremely hot-eternal place. I am enjoying the ride.

    My final thoughts for this post, raising the bar means: no more compromising our souls, and our well being for pie in the sky. No more shackin’ up. No more being wives without commitment. No more accepting the okie doke from jokers who are articulate with lying speech. No more looking the other way, but facing the truth head on. No more accepting role reversals-men are the providers according to the Word of God. Women are to bring up the rear-a helpmeet. No more giving more chances than deserved. No more putting man before God, no matter how good he looks. No more allowing scum to move in your home and terrorize you and your kids, and taking over like he pays the rent-with his no working-trifling self. No more putting sorry men before your precious children. Stop taking food out of your kid’s mouths, short-changing your hungry babes to please him. No more allowing the devil to walk all over your soul, tinkle in your face and call it rain. If not, ha! He’s gonna leave you anyway.

    You get my drift?

    Love ya!

  3. annb106

    August 4, 2009 at 1:55 am

    I thank you for you comment on my site, and I thank you for this message also. I went to your site and was truly impressed with it. It is time for a change. If we don’t stand up and make a change in our lives we will be dombed.It is time to stop settling for less,or allowing people to treat us the want to because they feel that they can. Keep up the good work.

  4. ssofdv

    August 4, 2009 at 2:32 am

    Barbara, you are very welcome! And you keep writing your heart out as well. God will bless us for giving back, and sharing the pain of others. You are so right; IT IS TIME FOR A CHANGE!

    Do you think people-especially women understand that they are settling for less? How can we know what their less is? I mean, you and I understand what settling for less means to us, but I often wonder if other women really understand that they are settling. Could it be that they never raised their own standards, nothing to be dropped in this case? Or could it be that no one has ever taught them the difference? Such as a loving father or older brother?

    I often wonder too if the reason it is difficult for women to leave undesirable relationships is because they have no relationship barometer. If society and the media are the measuring tools for relationships, is it any wonder that there is so much divorce, domestic violence and abuse?

    I read somewhere that psychologists, and those who treat mental illness are not prepared to help those who are violent in their homes. One writer even suggested that since this is the case, “…women should take the initiative to educate themselves concerning abuse and domestic violence;” it is our only defense. I agree. God help us.


    • Joan

      February 13, 2012 at 7:04 am

      I must say, this caught my eye:

      “Do you think people-especially women understand that they are settling for less? How can we know what their less is? I mean, you and I understand what settling for less means to us, but I often wonder if other women really understand that they are settling. Could it be that they never raised their own standards, nothing to be dropped in this case? Or could it be that no one has ever taught them the difference? Such as a loving father or older brother?”

      I think there are cases where the standards of which you speak were never high, because there was no positive example like the older brother or loving father you mention. This in conjunction with the idea of needing a man is dangerous – this is what men are like, I need one, ergo this is the cross I must bear. Conversely, I think there are many women who are quite aware that they are settling but the need for a man affects them just the same. Speaking from personal experience, I had great examples of biblical manhood in my life, most notably my father, but after a few encounters in the dating world, I figured that men weren’t made like that any longer. Quite frankly, I still don’t believe there are too many – if any -that would meet such a standard, but now I’m determined not to settle for less than God’s best.

      • ssofdv

        February 14, 2012 at 9:13 pm

        Hello Joan,

        Yes, I honestly believe that “women understand they are settling for less” – I was guilty once upon a time. We make all kinds of wrong moves out of loneliness, and the need to “belong.” Women are programed by families and society to seek a male, for to be without indicates some sort of flaw within our lives. We are also conditioned to believe that we cannot make it in a male dominated society without having a man – to protect and to financially support.

        Why do we forge ahead when it is wise to wait? Many times women believe they can fix up a man, and make him be what they need him to be. We often think that just because a man acted improper with some other woman, it does not mean he will treat us the same way – which in many cases is not the truth – especially concerning domestic violence.

        As far as “raising standards” go – you bring up very valid and realistic points. In my case, no one had taught me to have standards – I was raised by a drunk, and an absent father I saw once in a while who never spoke about life, except his own. There was no “loving father” in my life, and my “older brothers” were too busy telling me to “get lost!” My story is much like many other women who had no positive role models in their lives. What I learned about life mostly, I learned from the streets – from people not in my family. This is very common.

        Even though no proper foundation was set within my life, as I grew older I learned a few things. When you go through being treated badly, eventually you should know a “good” man from those who make your life miserable with violence and abuse. In my case at least, there were “no positive” examples to help me navigate relationship dynamics. Unfortunately, you are correct again – “I figured that men weren’t made like that any longer.”

        There are many men who attend worship services, but not many of them can be considered “great examples of Biblical manhood.” Too many are willing to compromise spiritual integrity, and often pressure women into doing the same in order to have a supposed “godly” man.

        I am happy that your father was a “great example” of godliness for you. Not many of us can claim this blessing. And because you have a “standard” by which to measure godliness, that is a good thing.

        Thank you for your input. It is valued greatly. May the Peace of God be yours abundantly.

  5. Joan

    February 13, 2012 at 12:52 am

    Dear Terry,

    You state (I believe correctly) in both your website and blog that the church does a poor job of addressing domestic violence – when it does at all. I think it is important to note that the lack of counsel tends to begin much earlier than that. Honestly, the only real difference I see between the church and the world in terms of dating guidance are mentions of not being unequally yoked and remaining celibate, with little direction as to how to do so. Perhaps if church culture celebrated singleness as a legitimate lifestyle – you know, the one Christ lived – as opposed to a life that one is condemned to, there wouldn’t be so many abusive relationships in the first place.

    Just a thought.

    • ssofdv

      February 14, 2012 at 10:10 pm

      Dear Joan,

      Yes, the church “does a poor job of addressing domestic violence.” As far as the “lack of counsel,” it really should begin at home. The problem is, many homes are experiencing domestic violence, and breeding the mentality of either an abuser, or one that will succumb to abuse. Our homes have become very dysfunctional.

      Many ministers and lay people feel that domestic violence is a “private matter.” However, when the dynamics of a household begin to involve hospital trips, the court system, foster care, friends, family, police, neighbors, etc., it is no longer “private.” I also believe that many ministers do not want to get involved, and feel that doing so is more than they can handle. And we have to count in the fear factor as well.

      Even if they gathered valuable information to pass on to the abused, and believed them when they cry for help, that is a tremendous effort right there.

      And yes, the church needs to break it down when it comes to life issues. Just telling folks – “Because the Bible said so!” – is not enough. And to be fair to true ministers, Jesus did not expect them to be responsible for everything. Meaning, each believer has a gift from God that they are expected to employ for the sake of the Kingdom of Christ. For the most part, the preaching of the Bible is not being applied to everyday life. And forget “hell fire and brimstone.” Preachers give the people what they want for the most part. They have “itching ears” and want no part of truth.

      Young people need mentors. But sadly, the “village” I grew up with has vanished. And many young people are so disrespectful these days that most adults do not want anything to do with them – even their own parents. Human beings do not care about other humans anymore. There is much that can be taught concerning celibacy, but then there are other intuitions that hand out condoms. Unfortunately, you can be “unequally yoked” within the body of Christ. Not everyone that carries a Bible is after the heart of God.

      For me, “singleness” is a “legitimate lifestyle” that should be cherished. It is our society that makes it feel like a curse to be single. You can accomplish many great things for the Kingdom of God being single with no distractions. Is it easy? For those who have no desire to marry, perhaps it is. But the challenge comes with the issue of celibacy. It is the best way, for I have yet to see where any good comes of going against the Will of God.

      When I think of all the abuse out there, I value my singleness. In addition, I love having no distractions to get in the way of my service to God. We live in a fallen world, and not too many people will be able to experience a happy blissful marriage. It takes a lot of work just to stay together. Personally, I would rather spend that energy giving my life and time to Jesus Christ. You never know when He will return, and I want to be ready.

      Joan, I value your opinion and feedback. Thank you!


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