As you grow older, and hopefully wiser, you tend to learn some vital lessons. Well, at least that is the way life should be. One of the things that I have finally learned is this-my life without a man is doing just fine. Oh sure, I often miss male companionship; the scent of a man, strong-arms to hug me, and much more. On the flip side, I compensate by learning what makes me as a woman tick; I mean REALLY tick! I’ve been living most of my life from the outside looking in. Whichever way I was defined, I accepted-starting with my parents. For once in my life, I am learning to see the REAL me from the inside out. My validation and self-worth no longer depend on human interpretation-except my personal opinion, and the Divine, God.
It would be a wonderful thing if fairy tale marriages were really REAL. But anyone that has been married knows that it takes a lot of hard work to keep it together. And because we as women were brainwashed into believing they we are nothing without a man, we often do most of the work in a relationship-in every way. I grew up with the fairy tales that deceived woman for years. And we still haven’t learned a thing yet! There is no Prince Charming; no castles in the sky; and in this economy, you’d better pray your man can find a job!
I can’t deny that I have made my share of mistakes in my choice of men. I had no decent parents to show me the way in terms of mate selection, what to keep and what to throw back in the dumpster. So, life grew me up, and yes, it did take a very long time. I was brainwashed, and conditioned like most women to think that having a man in my life was everything. Our society will convince you through various mediums that not having a mate is un-cool. If you are alone too long, relatives and outsiders tend to conclude that there is something wrong with you. You are so flawed in some way that you can’t get or keep a man long enough to experience “happily ever after.” Baloney!
Well now, just let me say this, from what I read, watch on the news and experience within our so-called civilized society, perhaps I am better off without a man. Domestic violence and abuse are so out of control it is scary! At least once a week the news tells another woe of family violence. Men are taking out whole families, killing the children and themselves. There are exceptions where woman are the perps, and that is equally sad.
It is possible that many women can experience more self-satisfaction and inner happiness and peace just loving the single life on their terms. I am learning to do just that. Don’t get me wrong, I do have male “friends,” and they are JUST that. One is married, one is divorced, and one has never been married. Two are Christian men, and the other; well we never discussed that-not yet anyway. They are good people, and they are my dear friends. And yes, it is possible to be JUST friends with men. You have to set the ground rules and stick with them. Besides, I never wanted to lose them as my dear friends, so that is why my heart never drifted into the romantic frame of mind. I love them, and they love me, just the way we are.
I bring this up because I am deeply concerned about someone that I know. She has been an abused woman in several relationships, and I suspect that she doesn’t like herself very much. I am not sure why she allows herself time and again to connect to men that most women would not look twice at. She is currently in a relationship of which I suspect she is planning to take it further, but it is not in her best interest. Playing cupid I am not, and she is certainly allowed to make her own mistakes, but I so loathe the idea of her relationship-here’s why.
First of all, this guy has no job, no car, and he looks like a bum! In my opinion, he IS A BUM! The first few times that I was in his presence, he had on the same clothes. Ok, I don’t knock anyone who is down on his or her luck, or having a hard time. But it was obvious that this man is a bum. It is also obvious that he has no ambition, and no self-pride. There were some real men “back in the day” that would not live off of a woman. If he didn’t have anything to offer her, he would feel some sort of shame, and would most likely turn away. Oh but not today! Too many males, notice I didn’t say men-are looking for women that will literally take care of them. And she is doing just that, taking care of him. It turns my stomach.
Is it possible to say anything to her? No! She would just get angry and our friendship would be further damaged. I have tried to help her in the past. But she won’t listen to the facts and reason. As long as she is caught up in the bliss of a relationship, she is seemingly happy. She doesn’t seem to mind that she is taking care of him. She works, he doesn’t. She moved him into her apartment, he had none of his own. She drives him around in her car, he has none of his own. And worst of all, she has a child to care for. UUUUGGGGHHHHHH!
When we lower our standards, we invite trouble into our lives-even domestic violence and abuse. If a “male” has that much control over your mind/body as described in this person’s relationship, he gets to be the Dictator. Men that aren’t “men” will take advantage of a woman’s weakness in a heartbeat. This is one of the ways that women get stuck in abusive situations. You have a man that doesn’t have a job, car, means of taking care of himself, and now you want to kick him out-because you’re drained. Of course he is going to get angry, even if he is the one who cheated on you with his next intended victim. On that note, he has the nerve to get indignant because you caught and confronted him for the cheating. What happens next? In too many cases, violence and abuse. Now the ugly comes out and you are verbally, and physically assaulted because you are standing up for your rights.
You think to yourself, “I am taking care of him, he should be grateful!” NOT! Now it becomes a game to him. He’s off to see what the next weak-willed woman will LET HIM GET AWAY WITH. And that is it in a nutshell; men do ugly and wicked things because they can! We as women put up with their foolishness just to have someone in our lives, and they wear us out, make us look ugly and old before our time. For the most part, the little boys that don’t grow up have us women to blame. Ok, the violence and abuse is strictly on them. No one is to blame for that except the one who is being violent. But what I am saying is, we as women tolerate too much junk from males, and then we let them go too far sometimes. When he shoves, he will hit; when he screams, he will curse; when he hits, he will murder.
I divorced abuse, and I am having the time of my life building my writing career. It took a long time to understand that having a man is not important, especially if he is the wrong man. And who is to say any particular man is the “right” man? Is it possible that it will take some very hard work in the relationship before The Ogre becomes Mr. Right? We are created beings that evolve, and grow. Well, should anyway. No one comes wrapped in a perfect package. And once the package-the facade is stripped away, you have to deal with the real person and not the fantasy.
So I leave you with this to ponder. Is it that important to have a man if you are not willing to do the homework before you get involved? He’s tall, dark, handsome and alone-why? Who kicked him out? Who left him and why? What is he hiding that could hurt you? He has no job and he wants to move in your place-why? That question should be obvious, but to many women it is not. They believe the hype, and the promises that he has potential. He just needs you to bring it out. What a crock!
Anyway, I just needed to get that out today. Hope it does someone some good.
Get some standards ladies! Real men respect that.
Get strong and stay strong!
No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.
© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
All rights reserved.