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DO YOU REALLY MISS HIM?

By Terry Loving

He almost killed you, and yet – you miss him. Your mind says, “RUN!” But your emotions are very much connected to your abuser, and you waver between leaving him alone, or taking him back. He apologizes, cries, and begs for another chance. The mirror doesn’t lie – you are scarred and bruised, but you miss him so much that you are willing to forgive and take him back.

WHY??????

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Once you have sex with someone, a strong spiritual, physical, and emotional bond is born. There is an attachment that is hard to break, and separation leaves a void within your soul. Sex created a bond that God intended to be shared within marriage. God created sex, and it was given not only for procreation, but to seal the bond of marriage – till death do you part. When you have sex with someone, you give a part of your soul to another. The best analogy of closeness I can give is that of mother and child. Mother and child bond during pregnancy for a lifetime. Even if parents mistreat or neglect their children, that bond will always be there.

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When women express that they miss their abusers, not only do they miss the intimacy, they miss the “thought” of that person – and what they could be if they were not abusive. Meaning, what you really miss is what you imagine in your mind how you would like things to be. Think about it, do you really miss the punches, slaps, kicks, chocking, verbal abuse, and whatever else your abuser dishes out? Unless you are a masochist, I would think not.

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When you are in love with love itself, it is difficult to separate fact from fiction. Women were created with nurturing emotions so that we would love and care for our offspring. Somewhere along the way, many women have lost that inner nurturing, and exhibit coldness towards their children. God made women to be the nurturers in the home. We are the central glue that holds things together. So it is no surprise that we try to make peace when we are abused.

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Many women will speak of their abusers as “having a heart” underneath their tirades and violence. We are forever looking for the good, while trying to ignore the bad behaviors. We want to believe so badly that an abuser can change, that we give them second, third, fourth and perhaps fifth chances before we run out the door – if we make it out alive.

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We also have a tendency to live in the past within our minds. If the abuser was nice at first, that is what our minds hold onto, and our hearts long to go back to when things weren’t so bad. But that rarely happens. Once the lion is out of the cage, he seeks to devour.

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So I ask again, “Do you really miss him?” Or, are you holding onto that tainted fairy tale in the back of your mind? Lonely women in particular will allow their emotions to focus on their loneliness, and conclude that they cannot live without a man – their abusers in particular. When compromise is set in motion, loneliness, and not the pure and simple facts – he makes your life a miserable hell – you are suckered into taking him back. Abusers rarely change. No matter how much he cries fake tears, pleads your return, and promises not to hit you again, it is all in vain.

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You cannot love away abuse. You cannot do enough to make him stop mistreating you. Some people are evil and that is a fact. And please understand that witnessing violence, or being abused as a child is no excuse for domestic violence and abuse. Violence is a choice. Just because my parents were alcoholics doesn’t mean I have to follow in their footsteps. And I did not.

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The next time you find yourself missing your abuser, after you have escaped with your life – and possibly the lives of your children – be honest with yourself. Take out a sheet of paper and write down what you miss about your abuser, and be honest enough to admit the truth. The things that you write down, ask yourself if you could really have them again. Ask yourself if your abuser has truly repented, sought help, gave his life to God – and is now living a changed life – without you. If he cannot live a repented, changed life without you – claiming that your coming back to him will be the catalyst for change – RUN FAR AND FAST!

Abuse rarely stops.

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“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

John 8:32

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SEX MAKES YOU STUPID

YOU MISS HIM BECAUSE YOU LOVE HIM –

BUT HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU!

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RT 365 DAYS OF LOVE: DAY 284 ~ THE 5 PILLARS OF MANHOOD (HOW MEN SHOULD LOVE & RESPECT WOMEN) by Jaeson Ma

“Women don’t want nice guys or good boys, women want men on a mission, men on adventure, men who are dangerous. This is why many women are drawn to bad boys because bad boys live with a sense of risk, danger, mystery and unknown. Men were created to live fearless and to live by faith. But if you walk into a church today what you find are a bunch of boys playing with their toys, working at predictable jobs, and living boring lives. It’s sad, but most guys get their sense of adventure from playing video games or watching TV, what happened to our men?”

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Antonio – “I had erased her personality.”

Winner of seven Goya Awards, including Best Picture, Director, Lead Actor and Actress, Iciar Bollain’s raw drama exposes the hard truths about domestic abuse. With her son in tow, battered wife Pilar (Laia Marull) finally flees her violent husband, Antonio (Luis Tosar), taking asylum at her sister Ana’s (Candela Peña) home. Free from the clutches of her abusive husband, Pilar struggles to start a new life; problem is, she still loves Antonio.

Cast: Laia Marull, Luis Tosar
Director: Icíar Bollaín
Genre:  Foreign
Format:  DVD and streaming

http://www.netflix.com/Movie/Take-My-Eyes/70027136

YOU CAN READ MORE REVIEWS ON AMAZON

“Some people reading the title to this movie may mistakenly think this is a macabre and grotesque tale of spousal abuse. It is not. Rather, it shows exceptionally and sympathetically the struggles and loves of different types of people involved in these types of abuses. There are scenes where, even though we despise Antonio’s abuse of Pilar, we still understand her love for him. Any movie that can emotionally convey something that complex and real is worth studying carefully.”

“Even though I don’t usually like sub-titles – this one is worth it! I showed it at my Batterer’s Intervention Group for Men and they gave it a thumb up too!”

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NOTE: I watched this movie last night, 06/25/11, and it is still with me. This is one of the best honest and raw portrayals of domestic abuse that I have ever seen. What I like most about this movie is that fact that it includes a counseling program where you witness the other side of the abuse – the mind of the batterer. No Amazon or Netflix links here, just recommending a movie that will help with understanding the dynamics of domestic violence. And it is definitely RAW!

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

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Help! I Still Love My Abuser!

“Why do I continue to feel love for this person that abused me?  I DON’T miss the abuse, but I do miss the good times we had… I still cry sometimes because I miss what I thought we had.  Is this normal?”

Loss of a Relationship

“When you give up a partner, you give up a lifestyle as well. You give up shared friends, shared activities, as well give up the comfort of being half of a couple. You knew there was someone around; maybe you saw each other or chatted daily. You knew you would have something to do or someone to be with on Saturday night. Even if you stayed home alone on Saturday night, you knew someone was there. You had a partner. Your life changes when you break up with your partner. All of this takes some getting used to. It takes time to regroup and rebuild.”

(click on above link to read more)

How to Finally Stop Obsessing Over Your Ex

I am not a fan of COSMO – however, the tips make sense.

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HE HAS A NEW LOVE AND IT HURTS!

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“He beats me up… but I always forgive him”

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“My boyfriend tried to beat me should I forgive him?”

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“my husband beat me”

NOTE: Leaving abuse is never easy. You will carry your feelings with you – and the love that is hiding beneath the mistreatment. You may think it is gone, but there may come a time you will reflect on the good in the relationship, and you will begin to miss your abuser. Don’t be fooled by your feelings. Just because you feel love for your abuser, it doesn’t mean they feel the same. Your feelings can drive you back to the abuse, but nothing will change – it will only get worst, especially when you leave and go back.

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Domestic Violence Against Women: How to Spot Abusive Men when Dating

Is Your Date an Abuser? Learn the Signs Before It’s Too Late

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ABUSE SUPPORT

“Why do we stay or come back to our abuser? I want to ask us that question…..  Here is some reason I think We Stayed.. We stay cause we are told where are you going you have nowhere to go, or who wants you.. how you going to pay bills you can’t make it on your own…  We are scare that if we do leave that they would hurt us so we fear for our lives or our kids lives…. They tell us it our fault that they abuse us we ask for it if we didn’t make them mad, or whatever reason they give us…We come back cause they always say “I’m sorry” I didn’t mean to do it or say but baby you know you made me mad and I’m sorry and it will never happen again…We don’t think or want to believe the very one we love is hurting us.

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Connie Defends Husband’s Behavior… After He Shot Her

                            

 

SLEEPING WITH A KNIFE UNDER THE BED

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US woman becomes hero for battered wives in China

…”she has changed the locks on her apartment. Last week, her husband sent her an angry text message: “In America you should be killed by your husband with gun. This is real American way. You’re so lucky to be in China!”

Later, he wrote, more succinctly, “Kill you!”

Yet when asked if she still loves him, she says she is not sure.

“I hate what he has done to me and our family … but I cannot say that I hate him,” she says. “Maybe the better question is not do you love him, but does love mean accepting and forgiving someone’s violence?

“For me, it does not.”

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Why Men Abuse Women

“Tony says it felt like he “blacked out” during the abuse. “You don’t understand what’s going on,” he says. “I completely own up to [what I did], but in that rage, it’s like your brain wires, they aren’t clicking.”

“He says being in an abusive relationship is like being in a drug addiction. “It becomes like your bond in the sense that the woman is like cocaine inside of that relationship. That’s the only connection you have, because there’s no real love,” he says. “In order to overcome it, it’s almost like you have to separate, go to rehab, move out of the dope house and never come back.”

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

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© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009
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Posted by on May 25, 2011 in LEAVING ABUSE

 

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