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HE BEAT ME – AND I APOLOGIZED

by Terry Loving

He lies, cheats with other women, you confront him, and BAM! While nursing a bloody nose, you kick yourself for  bringing up the subject of cheating and lying. You are angry with yourself – again – for wanting to know the truth. If only you had let it ride he wouldn’t have gotten so angry. But you didn’t – you couldn’t – you shouldn’t. The violence was really bad this time, and yet, you said to your abuser, “I am sorry.”

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There was no mistaking the fact the Missy’s live-in boyfriend was cheating. She found a pair of bloody ladies underwear in his hat box. It wasn’t her intent to go snooping, but he stays out all night many nights, and he had become quite indifferent to Missy’s needs. She needed to know what was going on. He had plenty of opportunities to get rid of the evidence, and yet he brought it home – as if it were a souvenir. Did he want her to catch him in his lies? Was he looking for a confrontation so that he would have an excuse to leave her? Or was he saving an excuse to beat Missy again – because she was in his business?

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Why do abused women apologize to their abusers after a beat down? They apologize because they feel responsible for the violence and abuse. Domestic violence can make you so crazy in the head that you take responsibility for actions that are not your own. You begin to see yourself as the failure in the relationship, and falsely conclude that you deserve chastisement. The last time I checked, it is the cleansing Blood of Jesus Christ that changes your behavior – not a beat down from your mate. Perfection walked the earth, but He has returned unto the Father. The rest of us are simply human, prone to making mistakes.

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Apologizing to your abuser means that you are looking inwardly, and not correctly assessing the situation. Once you are able to view the violence from the mind of a spectator – a third person watching what is going on – then you will see the truth. In the midst of the turmoil, the abused sees the abuser’s anger, and themselves as the cause – not so. No, here is the real truth – your abuser has a very serious anger issue, and he (or she), does not know how to manage their emotions. You are not the cause – you are the scapegoat.

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While the blows are damaging your body, your mind is thinking – “If only I hadn’t said anything.” “I should have kept quiet.” “How could I have been so stupid?” “I knew this would make him angry.” Do you not have a right to confront wrongdoing? HIV is a very real thing – should you not have the right to be concerned about its possible transmission? Yes, you have every right.

Domestic Violence Awareness Embroidered Patch
(click on the patch to see more)

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The message that you convey to your abuser when you apologize is this, “You must increase, I must decrease.” “You must become greater and greater, I must become less and less.” “You must become more important, and I must become less important.” It is as simple as that.

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The next time this thought crosses your mind, “He beat me and I apologized,” imagine yourself shrinking, getting smaller – while your abuser grows into an evil giant. Imagine yourself as an ant crawling on the ground – and a big shoe crushes you – stamps out all the good that God placed within you. When you put out the trash, imagine yourself to be one of the discarded articles closed tightly within that plastic bag – dropped on a curb – thrown away – useless. This is how your abuser sees you, but not so with God.

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“As He says also in Hosea, “I WILL CALL THOSE WHO WERE NOT MY PEOPLE, ‘MY PEOPLE,’ AND HER WHO WAS NOT BELOVED, ‘BELOVED.’” (Romans 9:25)

“Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.” (1 Peter 2:10)

“They” (abusers) – “will do such things because they have not known the Father or me.” (1 John 3:1)

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Is He/She Abusive?-
You’re not Crazy.
Learn the disease. Stop the abuse.

(click here to learn more)

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“My Husband Beat Me, Should I Divorce Him?”

“So when he complains of the pain you are causing him by leaving, think of it this way: For a man who has abused you to complain of the pain it causes him when you leave him only suggests that it is in his abuse of you itself that he finds pleasure and comfort. That is a chilling thought. But it is unavoidable: If the object of his abuse causes him pain when it disappears, then it must be in the abuse itself that he finds pleasure.”

http://www.salon.com/life/since_you_asked/2006/12/01/knots/

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BLACK WOMEN AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

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12 Hours of Terror: Conn. Woman Held Hostage by Arsonist Ex

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“THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT!”

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The Danger Assessment

The Danger Assessment helps to determine the level of danger an abused woman has of being killed by her intimate partner. It is free and available to the public. Using the Danger Assessment requires the weighted scoring and interpretation that is provided after completing the training. The Danger Assessment is available in a variety of languages.

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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

GOD HASN’T GIVEN UP ON YOU – SO WHO ARE YOU

TO GIVE UP ON YOU?

No portion of this web site may be copied, edited, or used in any form without prior permission.

© Spiritual Side of Domestic Violence Org., 2009-2012
All rights reserved.

 
14 Comments

Posted by on February 26, 2011 in SPEAK UP! SPEAK OUT!

 

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