http://ssofdv.wordpress.com/2011/11/28/the-holidays-just-get-to-him/Image by heraldpost via Flickr
By Terry Loving
Rarely.
There are cases where abusers unlearn abuse – but this doesn’t happen often enough to end domestic violence. As long as the perpetrators of violence get their way, there is no real incentive to stop being violent and abusive.
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If an equation is removed from the Cycle of Violence, perhaps we would witness a higher number of the abused leaving their abusers. Enduring constant fighting, beatings, verbal abuse, rape, put downs with no Honeymoon – make up stage – what would be the incentive to stay and try to work things out? On the other hand, how the abused feel about them-selves would also be a factor considered – as well as their religious beliefs.
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EMBROIDERED PATCHES – Click on picture to see more.
A portion of the sales will go to THE WOMAN’S RESOURCE CENTER (http://www.wrcdv.org/) – in Atlanta, GA. The link to SSOFDV online store is,http://spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org/cgi-bin/online/storepro.php.
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During the make-up stage, promises are made, sex is great, life is (seemingly) normal, and defenses are relaxed. Gifts are given, vacations are planned, and there is a false sense of “everything will be all right now” that deceives. This is a time where the abuser is built up emotionally, and temporarily satisfied. The abused has met his needs to some level of satisfaction, and the beating was just the catalyst to get the abused to comply. On the flip side, the thrashing was very severe because the abused failed to live up to the abuser’s expectations. In either case, a brief reprieve from the violence brings false hope to the victim. She hopes this is the last time.
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Each time an abuser is forgiven, the chances of the violence happening again increases. Please don’t misunderstand “forgiveness” at this stage. Ultimately, if we seek God’s forgiveness, we must not be guilty of un-forgiveness. In this case, a woman enduring abuse, and repeating the Cycle of Violence is a different subject matter. We are commanded by God to forgive others their trespasses, but we are not commanded to live with violence and abuse – just wanted to clear that up.
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So, each time the violence is forgiven, overlooked, excused, pushed aside, and dismissed – the abuser gains more and more control over the life of the abused. As the years go by, it becomes more difficult to leave for many reasons – financial, kids, low self-worth, religion, and some people just give up. Abusers get comfortable with the buttons they push to evoke fear.
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Some experts suggest that abusers abuse because of mental disorders, and issues with anger management. God calls unbridled anger SIN – especially when it causes harm to others. Anger management is possible, for we are admonished to “put off” (Colossians 3:8), “refrain from anger” (Psalm 37:8), “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice,” (Ephesians 4:31). These scriptures and others prove that we have control over our emotions – especially that of anger.
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So, does abuse ever stop? Not if the abusers lack empathy for others, and have cold hearts that care only for themselves. If there is no fear of God, no concern for the pain received by victims, no fear of the law or hell – then the abuse and violence will never stop. Divine intervention and the Blood of Christ is the answer. But will the abusers accept the forgiveness of God and repent? Only God and those who hurt others can answer that. Our job is to stay safe, and protect our children.
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Don’t Change the Guy
by Mark Gungor on January 19th, 2010
“If he’s a frog, you aren’t going to turn him into prince charming.”
http://www.laughyourway.com/blog/cannot-change-the-guy/
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“WE ARE ON OUR HONEYMOON – AGAIN”
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Sociopath- Psychopath-Narcissistic Personalities
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Domestic Violence/Can he Change
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Police: Slain Clayton mom missing both ears
“CLAYTON COUNTY, Ga. — The case of a slain Riverdale mother is detailed in police warrants as a gruesome four-day ordeal for the victim and her three daughters.”
“Family members said they urged Bowden to end her tumultuous relationship with Nazario, 33, but it didn’t work.”
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Records: Shooting suspect killed previous wife
“Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd said Fogle has been married at least seven times and expressed outrage that he was a free man despite the earlier killing of one wife.”
“Of the seven, he’s managed to kill two of them. I wouldn’t want to marry him if he gets out again,” Judd said.”
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THE HOLIDAYS JUST GET TO HIM
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After abuse, shattered smiles bring shame, stigma
“Debbie Dent escaped an abusive relationship more than a decade ago. Dent’s boyfriend punched her face so badly in 1995 that she could barely breathe.”
“Her boyfriend went to jail for several years, but when he was released, he convinced Dent that he still loved her and that he had changed. Dent says she felt ugly and alone, so allowed him back into her life. The hitting began again, and when Dent left this time, he tracked her down and beat her right eye in so badly, it had to be surgically removed.”
“Last year, Dent was chosen to participate in the Give Back a Smile program, sponsored by the American Academy of Cosmetic Dentistry Charitable Foundation, based in Madison, Wis. The program provides free care to abuse survivors with broken or damaged teeth.”
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“I’ll Change, I promise” Six Signs of Genuine Repentance by Dr. Bryce Klabunde
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“THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT!”
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http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org
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- The Signs of Domestic Violence (everydayhealth.com)
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crazylifeofalison
February 25, 2011 at 2:12 pm
Good summary of the situation. It truly is a terrible thing to endure.
ssofdv
February 25, 2011 at 9:07 pm
Yes, it is a terrible situation! Thanks much for stopping by.
haunted_doc
March 3, 2011 at 7:21 am
that made a hell lot of sense! hmmmm…hope many come across this blog & to their senses before its too late for them.
you are helping a lot of women out there!!
God Bless you.
ssofdv
March 3, 2011 at 9:56 am
Hello haunted_doc,
My eyes filled with tears after reading your comment. You have encouraged me more than words can express.
So often those on the front lines wonder if their work is in vain. And now, I am assured that it isn’t. Someone is listening.
It is the Holy Spirit working through me, I am a servant, willing to be used by God to accomplish His purposes in this matter. We are at war! It is His Power that flows through us, and His Word that heals.
“My word, which comes from my mouth, is like the rain and snow. It will not come back to me without results. It will accomplish whatever I want and achieve whatever I send it to do.”
Isaiah 55:11
Our God is AWESOME! Praise Him!
Thank you. God bless you as well.
P.S “I’m just a NOBODY, trying to tell EVERYBODY about SOMEBODY who can save ANYBODY.” (I love that song)
Peace
haunted_doc
March 11, 2011 at 4:04 am
hey terry
just our Lord working through me to assure you that YES! your work is not in vain! 
i’m so glad i could do that
yep, our Lord is an awesome God
keep going hun!!
ssofdv
March 11, 2011 at 9:21 am
Hello haunted_doc,
Thank you! Once again, you have made my day. Have a super great, safe, blessed, and very happy weekend.
Peace
Hurt
March 18, 2011 at 7:38 am
Haunted_doc said the following: “hope many come across this blog & to their senses before its too late for them”
I’ve come across this blog today and it opened up my eyes to so much confusion that i have been going through, Being in an abusive relationship myself and always trying to search for answers and reasons as to why He needs to be like that and why i need to go through things like im going through, this blog really got to me today.
Im just so tired of trying to figure things out, my head feels like a tornado, and he makes me feel like im on a constant roller coaster ride, The times that he has lied to me, Played his manipulative mind games with me, abused me and then tries to turn everything around on me to make me look like the bad one is over!!! Im moving out next week, I just want to say one thing, if it wasnt for God on my side i would never have been able to try and stay strong, You know after every abuse, the name calling, the games, the physical, the emotional I’ve grown stronger and stonger, i use to be at a stage where i was just angry, and hurt but now im just left with hurt, Hurt with the fact that i never left earlier, or when i did leave once why did i go back to think that it would change? It realy never does.
I want to write a book about what i went through the last 16 months of my life, and also hope to give women in a similar situation as me some insight into my life with an abuser, and hopefully it will also open up their eyes to alot of things.
ssofdv
March 18, 2011 at 10:55 am
Dear Haunted_doc,
Praise God you were able to find something on my site to help you. It is my prayer that you and many others will find your way out of the turmoil, and with God’s help – start a new life free from pain and abuse. I hurt for all of you, for I know what you are going through. I awake in peace, and I slumber in peace – God’s Peace – but it wasn’t always like this. You too can bask in His Peace – there is nothing like it. It is priceless. Our Lord extends His hands to you, offering you His eternal, unfathomable Peace – take it – it is yours to have – if you want it.
In many cases, there is no “Why” that you, the abused will understand. Trying to figure out what makes an abuser tick will drive you insane. The cunningness of abuse will keep your mind focused on the abuser, and you will slowly lose yourself in confusion and misery. You didn’t carry your abuser within your belly for nine months – you didn’t raise him from a child – you weren’t there when things happened in his life to mess him up – and you certainly will never touch that dark place where he is possibly hurting, or just plain evil. (NOTE: An abuser’s pain is no excuse for abuse).
The answers are deep within his soul – and only God knows exactly what to touch and heal. Sometimes, abusers don’t have a label for their anger – it may be a combination of childhood hurts that they cannot explain. Then again, some children have been labeled “the devil’s child.” The “bad seed” they are sometimes called. Who is to say which one you are dealing with?
Your head feels like a “tornado” because you are not where you are supposed to be. Your life is akin to a train derailment, and it isn’t running smoothly along the Divine path planned for you – therefore you are living a train wreck every day of your life. You recognize the issues, for you state them in your post. You are dealing with, confusion, lies, manipulation, mind games, abuse, false accusations, name calling, games, physical and emotional abuse, anger, hurt, and more confusion.
Now ask yourself, “Is this how I desire to live?” “Do I not deserve more than this?” YES! You cannot fix, (heal) him. Nor can you fix, (heal) yourself without God’s help.
Please do not beat yourself up over not leaving “earlier.” Somehow, women were born with this fixer-upper mentality, and we think that we can kiss the boo boos of our loved ones away – not always the case.
Yes, God is on your side – and yet – He cannot act until you make a decision. You have to give Him something to work with. He will supply the strength you need, but you have to ask for it, seek it, and embrace it.
Allow God to use your hurt for good. Write your book, and pour your heart and soul into it. Become a source of strength for others, and you will heal in time. Please do not allow the hurt to turn into bitterness. You sound like a very nice person, and I hope and pray that you will be good to yourself along the way. Put your focus on God, and your deliverance. When you are free you will still think about what happened – learn from your experiences.
Abuse – it rarely stops.